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  • Partner hit me after 13 years

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    Old 07-02-2018, 02:19 AM   #1
    Kit
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    Partner hit me after 13 years

    Hi,

    My partner had an emotional affair a few years ago, I had suspicions and asked him was he talking to someone els which he denied so I checked his phone and found messages where he was calling a college from work baby and ending conversations with xxx and arranging to see her. He left that day for a week. He said he developed a massive crush on her because she showed him attention. We got over that but because he said he couldn't remember any details due to, self diagnosed breakdown, I have remained worried about this and recently found out that the small amount he did tell me was a lie.

    A few months ago, He started being shady with his work phone and turned all notifications from on watspap off. This has been a constant source of frustration to me and I tried everything to get him to talk about it but he refused and got angry with me saying he feels like he's walking on eggshells with me because I'd told him I would not accept other women's phone numbers on his private phone or any kisses on any text to any other woman or any other friendship with any other woman. I spent the weekend trying to get him to turn notifications on but he refused. I got more and more angry inside and for some unknown reason when I saw his phone on Sunday morning I cracked, got angry and we started arguing. Out of frustration and anger I done something I've never done before, I threw my cup out of the conservatory and it broke on the floor. He launched at me like he has done twice in the past, physically restraining me and I snapped and fought back, hitting and pushing him to try and get him to release me then he smacked me across the side of my head. Although he said he was sorry, he's been acting annoyed with me ever since and when I tried to talk to him about it again later that day he walked away accusing me of going on. He's always had a temper, mostly over minor things but his reaction is always excessive when things don't go the way they're suppose to. I genuinely don't know what to do. I feel shocked and very sad. Any advice would be welcome.

     
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    Old 07-02-2018, 07:03 AM   #2
    quincy
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    Re: Partner hit me after 13 years

    My suggestion is to leave.....start legal process if needed, and make an appointment to start counselling for yourself.

    Each time you forgive, it's another notch in his belt to continue his abuse. Don't be a willing partner in it.......

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    Old 07-02-2018, 07:03 AM   #3
    yayagirl
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    Re: Partner hit me after 13 years

    Dear Kit,

    I want to share some with you, because I lived with a jealous and suspicious mate and the oppression is unbearable. Your anger is understandable, but your violence (throwing a cup out of frustration because you had failed to talk things out with him) is completely unacceptable.

    If he cheats that is not acceptable, either. But trying to control him rather than to control your own self is your own failure that has nothing to do with him. Trust is about controlling yourself and self control is necessary before you can have a healthy relationship. If you have a problem with anyone you still need to respect and control the only person over whom you have power and that is yourself.

    In my opinion, if we feel suspicious and insecure so that we think we have to place boundaries for others, that relationship is already unstable and not trustworthy. So it seems you never did not trust him even before the first 'relationship' occurred, plus you accepted him back after his lack of self-control and with no reason to think he would never do it again. I'm not excusing him at all. I am telling you that you need to strengthen your own boundaries and self-control. Now you have become violent and you want the issues between you to back-track. In my opinion, that is not going to happen.

    Neither of you are trust-worthy to use self-control at this point. Relationships only work with trust. I want to share that I have been married 36 years to a man that cheated in his first marriage. (I was married before as well, and that husband did regularly cheat on me, I found out.) My present husband used to be suspicious if I even laughed while speaking with a neighbor across the fence. I let him know immediately that I would not tolerate oppression over his fears and that he had to deal with them. Our relationship would not have worked out if he sneaked around looking at my phone or on my computer, in my purse, etc. I would have left him. Suspicion breeds violence as we can always find reasons to believe our own suspicions.

    Then things get out of hand as it did when you simply saw his phone on. If you don't believe or trust that he is faithful then your job is to walk away. NOT to throw a cup or throw a fit.

    The deal is if we don't trust a person we need to get out and stay out of that relationship. We can drive ourselves and others over the edge by our own jealous suspicion. You both are wrong. You know who this person is and you stayed on.

    Hon, you have decisions to make. For yourself, not for him. We cannot control other people. We can only control and make decisions for ourselves. Please make other living arrangements before the violence gets worse. You both have feelings for each other, but they are the wrong feelings. Do what you need to do and take care of yourself.

    Love,
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    Last edited by yayagirl; 07-02-2018 at 07:44 AM.

     
    Old 07-02-2018, 07:35 AM   #4
    Kit
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    Re: Partner hit me after 13 years

    I thank you for your advice however, You mention my violence throwing a cup but you make no reference to him physically restraining and hitting me, why is this. Do you think he was justified ?

     
    Old 07-02-2018, 07:47 AM   #5
    Kit
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    Re: Partner hit me after 13 years

    Thank you, I think I need time to totally consider what Iím best doing.

     
    Old 07-02-2018, 08:28 AM   #6
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    Re: Partner hit me after 13 years

    Dear Kit,

    This has nothing to do with justification. Neither of you are 'justified' for violence. Realistically, if one throws something out of anger we can expect someone else may feel threatened and feel a need to restrain you.

    Neither of you behave appropriately. Violence just breeds violence. Well-meaning people get hurt and killed by reactive behavior.Neither of you are behaving in a safe or appropriate manner. I personally would stay away from both of you.

    A smart person walks away until the anger dies down, and/or leaves that relationship. We can only control our own responses.

    When our reactions are out of control, we have no room to blame the other person for being out of control.
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    Last edited by Administrator; 07-02-2018 at 08:32 AM.

     
    Old 07-02-2018, 08:43 AM   #7
    Kit
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    Re: Partner hit me after 13 years

    OMG I didnít throw the cup at him I threw it outside on the flags, the complete opposite direction to him. I would never throw anything at anyone.

     
    Old 07-02-2018, 09:10 AM   #8
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    Re: Partner hit me after 13 years

    You were not accused of throwing the cup at him. Kit what was your purpose in throwing the cup? Throwing any object not meant for throwing is violence. Why try to make light of your action?

    When we do an act of violence we can expect that anyone present may perceive it to be a threat and be reactive.

    What I see is two violently reactive people that have had enough.

    Someone is going to get hurt if you fail to understand that you are only responsible for your own actions, and you must take responsibility for your own actions.

    Get out of the relationship if you can't control yourself. We cannot control other people. If he is intolerable to you, leave. That is your own responsibility.

    You are the one here asking for help. Were he here asking he would be told the same thing.
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    Last edited by yayagirl; 07-02-2018 at 11:00 AM.

     
    Old 07-02-2018, 11:07 AM   #9
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    Re: Partner hit me after 13 years

    Given the amount of volatility I advise you to leave and make safe arrangements to get your things. If you have legal issues to deal with such as with a landlord, do that with a witness, preferably a law officer. You can ask the police to be present.

    Hon, you have been playing with fire for a long time. One or both of you are going to get burnt if you don't stop your part in it.

    Don't try to work things out with anyone that you don't trust. Clearly you don't trust the man you are with.

    Love,
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    Old 07-02-2018, 12:05 PM   #10
    Kit
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    Re: Partner hit me after 13 years

    I am extremely happy that today he has been to the doctors about his anger problems and is getting referred for counselling. he admitted heís Had anger problems since he was young but never sort help. Over the years when outbursts have been excessive and yes twice before he has physically restrained me for different reasons I always tried to encourage him to seek help, he would never even consider it until what happened yesterday. I will now happily stay and support him all the way however, I will never accept physical restraints or hitting. Thank you for your advice and I had already taken on my own faults and have address them

     
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