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  • Helping a friend in an abusive relationship

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    Old 07-07-2018, 07:26 AM   #1
    mtr56
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    Helping a friend in an abusive relationship

    Hello
    So a very close friend of mine has been in an abusive relationship and is currently stuck in a “honeymoon” phase. Full disclosure: this girl and I arent just friends, which is a major reason why me helping her is so difficult.
    I met her back at the beginning of April and we became fast friends and started flirting with eachother. At this time I did not know she had a boyfriend and a few weeks later I asked her out. She admitted to me that she had a boyfriend, which naturally surprised and confused me. I asked her why she was flirting with me then and if she was unhappy with him. And she opened up to me and described to me an emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship. The earliest confirmed instance was when she caught him cheating on her in January. He gaslighted her to make her blame herself for his cheating and abuse, because “she stopped sleeping with him.” He has put her down behind the scenes, and has violent moodswings that have terrified her and threatened her on multiple occassions. She has tried to break up with him at least 4 times, but is met by isolation, intimidation, abuse, and then follows it up by grand gestures to show her he’s changing. She stills says he is a good guy and that isnt who he is. They have dated for a year and were close friends before hand.
    I soon found out I am the only person she has ever told about his abuse. She adamantly refuses to tell her friends or family about it, because I think she is afraid that they will hate him, and she thinks he will change. Since then we became romantically involved when she was preparing to break up with him for the 4th time. There was no cheating involved, but I know she began to feel guilty. She wanted to wait until after exams and at the end of a long planned vacation with him to leave him, because she didnt want to stress him out during exams and wanted to remain friends with him. I unsuccessfully tried to get her to leave him well in advance. The day before her vacation she called me an hour after I left her house where things were good to end it with me, because she wanted time to be single and figure out her life, which I respected. However when she got back from her vacation, I asked her about the breakup and she told me she didnt because “he didnt want to.” Days later she began to try to change her stories about his abuse and control to downplay it all, saying it was her decision and downpaying all the episodes before, or outright denying them. She gave me an ultimatum to drop my attempts to convince her to leave him or she cant be friends with me anymore. I am worreied about her but I told her I would tone it back if she promised to get help, come to me if he hurts her gain, and tell her friends and family everything. She promised though I learned she never did. She has continued to flirt with me since then, knowing full well how I feel about her, and has said she is coming to stay with me sometime in July to see me and her friends, knowing full well we would be sharing a bed. I became upset by her flirting because I felt like I was being used for attention and that she was merely escaping into me and leading me along. We agreed to tone the flirting and for her to stop flirting, howver since then she has become more flirty with me, repeating the initial process from when I first asked her out. This weekend she is visiting her boyfriend and its tearing me apart, because I truly worry about her and want her safe, healthy and happy, and also our inability to be just friends means I cant help her as I should, because I am frustrated by how she is treating me with my feelings, and I feel she doubts my worries and warnings because of those feelings, but I am the only person in any position to help her. I dont know what to do to protect myself and help her get out of this.

     
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    Old 07-07-2018, 08:23 AM   #2
    yayagirl
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    Re: Helping a friend in an abusive relationship

    Dear mtr56,

    To put it bluntly, you are not in a position to help and she doesn't want helped. She has no relationship with you and she has been completely using and playing you. She is not in a 'honeymoon' phase with the other person. She is deeply involved with the other guy and she chose him over you. You were just a sideline with which to cheat on him.

    People that do that are not trustworthy and it's a waste of time to feel sorry for them. They really don't care about anyone. You seem like a caring person, but keep in mind that you helped her in her cheating. A seriously caring person does not get intimately involved with anyone already in intimate relationship with another person.

    The only person we can fix is ourselves. It seems that you were excited by the emotions you felt by her games. But that is not serious behavior by you or by her. She has been toying with you and now she is done with you. She has no desire to be 'saved', and according to what you wrote, it is very clear she wants to be where she is at. She wants you to move on now that she is finished playing with you. Going by all that you wrote, she is a player.

    I don't need to 'know' her to know she is not in the least way serious about you. Probably is not serious about the other guy either, but she prefers him. She toyed with you.

    Hon, make friends with gals that do not cheat or play games with her body or life. You deserve better than that. Hang onto your own integrity and stay away from anyone that tempts you to help them cheat.

    I am sure you will argue that she is a great person. It doesn't matter how 'great' she otherwise may be when she chooses to play with your and other people's emotions. She is not in any manner your friend, and she doesn't need to be saved. She needs to grow up, and we cannot make people grow up.

    Don't ever allow yourself to be used. She should not be allowed to stay at your place.
    But you have to learn this for yourself, because I'm sure that none of this is the advice you hoped to get.

    Take care of your self. All the best to you.
    __________________
    ~ YaYa ~

    Last edited by yayagirl; 07-07-2018 at 10:51 AM.

     
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    Old 07-08-2018, 04:38 AM   #3
    MSNik
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    Re: Helping a friend in an abusive relationship

    I would put an end to this "relationship" immediately. Do not have her to your house for the plans you have made. Simply end it and tell her its over.

    You are being used. You are the guy she is cheating with. She doesnt want to end this relationship she is in and no matter what you think- she is lying to you. The reason she hasn't told anyone else about this "abuse" is that it may not be happening...you are being played the sucker. She is telling you whatever she wants and probably loving all the attention you are giving her because you feel bad for her.

    Meanwhile, if this guy finds out about you, its YOU who will be having problems. How would you like it knowing your girlfriend went away to see friends and slept in another man's bed?

    Hate to say it, but I doubt very much she is in a abusive relationship. I think she is lying to you for your attention...And, if I am wrong, the fact that she is in this relationship and not actually leaving tells me everything I need to know. She is cheating on her boyfriend with you. Period.

    Tell her when she is free and clear to come live with you forever, to call you- until then, good luck.
    __________________
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