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  • Abuse? Narcissism? Mood Disorder?

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    Old 07-10-2018, 01:33 PM   #1
    HadEnoughOfHim
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    Abuse? Narcissism? Mood Disorder?

    I feel like I am crazy!

    Been married for over 20 years. Two teenagers. Husband is just not "right."

    * He does things that causes problems then never says sorry - example - he ran over the neighbor kid's bike, then blamed me for screaming to try to stop him when he pulled into the driveway. He never said sorry - just claimed that I "sounded like an idiot" to all of the neighbors.

    * He does whatever he wants whenever he wants. He doesn't ask and is out to all hours of the night, even though he has to work in the morning. He will criticize me when I do anything outside of the home, and even try to prevent it.

    * He spends whatever money he wants whenever he wants it. If I try to spend money on myself or the kids, he will tell me it isn't needed, and berate me for spending money.

    * He berates me for staying home with our kids when they were younger, even though it was both of our decision. I "ruined" his life because "all of his friends are close to retirement, and have lake houses, new houses, boats, etc. I ruined things because I didn't earn an income for years when I stayed home.

    * I work full time - a very stressful job. He berates me for not having dinner made (even though he works from home and could start dinner), laundry done, and house cleaned. When I try to clean on the weekends when I am off, he yells at me for "doing work during HIS time."

    * Everything is about him - everything is his decision. He plans vacations at 2am when I am asleep and tells me "this is what we are doing." Then he complains that there is no money. He starts a hobby or a sport, and he expects me to enjoy that as well - and I am "boring" and he is wasting his life away with me because I don't want to do exactly what he wants to do.

    * He blames me for him not having a relationship with his mother, who passed away 12 years ago. He never talked to his mother, and never invited her over - it was me that kept that relationship going. Yet, interestingly, he has nothing to do with my mother, and somehow I still have a great relationship with her. (him not having a relationship with her was ALL his doing).

    * He blames me because our daughter doesn't want anything to do with him. He has no relationship with her, because he is never home. He misses all of her events. He is always in some bar, on some friend's boat, or on a golf course somewhere - that turns into 12 hours of being gone.

    * I am too boring because I don't want to sit in bars like he does. I work full time, I have teens/teen events to go to, and I still have to do all of the shopping, housework, etc. when I am not working. I'm just exhausted - going to a bar is the last thing I want to do. There just isn't time and I don't have any help.

    * Every wife/woman is funnier, better looking, skinnier, and smarter than I am. I am reminded of this over and over again. They also make so much more money than I do (I make less than half of what my husband does - but I also took many years to be home with children).

    * In public, if I speak when we are with others, he will roll his eyes, interrupt me, tell me I am being ridiculous or say what I am saying is wrong. Every single time. He monopolizes all conversations so I can't get a word in edgewise. If I interrupt, he will rudely turn to me and say "so and so was speaking, please shut up."

    There are more things - digging through my things to "find" stuff to yell at me about. (he never has found anything), repeatedly quizzing me on where I go and who I am with - but this list is a start.

    I was seeing a therapist for awhile, but stopped because he didn't like me "spending the money." I suspected he was having an affair a year ago, because out of the blue he started texting me when I was at work, saying he wanted a divorce, that he deserves a wife that listens to him and does what he says. My response - "ok - go file. Let me know the details." The next day he reneged.

    Am I crazy to think that this is some type of abuse?

     
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    Old 07-10-2018, 07:04 PM   #2
    Seraph
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    Re: Abuse? Narcissism? Mood Disorder?

    No you are not crazy! This man is abusive to you under any definition except physical (so far). There is verbal abuse (insults, criticism), emotional abuse (blame, withholding of any positive attention), financial abuse and general all-round jerkish behaviour. He definitely sounds like a narcissistic type and these people NEVER change. This is who he is and who he always will be. Your life will get worse over time. It sounds as if he is behaving worse as time goes on. Time to have a really good think about your future. Be warned tho - when you tell him you are ending it, two things will happen. He will go ballistic and be quite dangerous, and/or will become Mr i-will-change Perfect. Until you slide back into your designated role of doormat/punching bag where you belong. This is not a life. You can survive far better on your own. Luckily he has not completely trodden down your spirit, so gather your strength and leave. Best wishes, Sera

     
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    Old 07-10-2018, 11:17 PM   #3
    yayagirl
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    Re: Abuse? Narcissism? Mood Disorder?

    From personal experience I think you may as well stay with him, at least for now until you understand your part in that dance. I am very serious.

    We need to learn to stand up for ourselves and take care of our own attitude and model how to be a whole person to our children, rather to be reactive or non-reactive while making judgement on the other person. Believe me, if you ask your therapist he/she will be glad to talk about your part in this problem.

    I had to learn how to speak to untrue judgements/comments in a way that didn't spark an argument and did not put my partner down. Not saying I always do it appropriately. We are only responsible for our own thoughts. We can learn to have a kind and responsible conversation if another makes a mistake in judgement about us.

    It doesn't work to ignore inappropriate behavior, but we do need to own our part in the conflict, and understand that no one has no power to 'make' us feel put down. WE feel what we feel for our own reasons and we can learn to speak across regardless what another says or does. What I learned from therapy is that my partner felt that I was dismissing him and putting HIM down. I discovered that I was projecting my own 'attitude'. Not to say he was or is always 'appropriate' but we are not responsible for other person's reactions or responses. We are only responsible for our own.

    Change in a relationship has to start with ourselves.
    Love,
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    Old 07-23-2018, 02:24 PM   #4
    rosequartz
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    Re: Abuse? Narcissism? Mood Disorder?

    yes he's abusive.....why are you still with him?
    he's a narcississt

     
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    Old 07-24-2018, 03:19 AM   #5
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    Re: Abuse? Narcissism? Mood Disorder?

    No, you are not crazy. Yes, this is verbal abuse. The bigger question is why are you still with him if this has been going on for so long? Sounds like your kids are older now....he will have to continue to support them. Are you ready to take care of yourself and start your life over? You can either choose to continue living like this, or leave. You cannot change him, only yourself.
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