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    Old 05-17-2004, 03:25 PM   #16
    sookchi
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    Question Re: Help-My friend is locked in a house and abused.

    I got a message, she managed to fix her phone. She is going on a picnic with her husband and her mother!?! She seems to be out of immediate danger.....or is she? I still am going to visit her on saturday....should I keep incouraging her to leave? her husband doesnt know im involved..... I should definatly keep it that way....yes? She can stay with me and I can get her help.... I should keep incouraging her.....I hope she listens to me....she needs a FRIEND not someone to take over her husbands role in CONTROLING her and TELLING her what to do.

    You all think that I am doing the right thing now? Or not?

     
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    Old 05-17-2004, 03:59 PM   #17
    JLKH
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    Re: Help-My friend is locked in a house and abused.

    If she is being kept in the house against her will and you know for a fact that abuse is going on then you must call the police. This is a crime and she does not have to "want" help for them to act in this case. But you have to seriously be sure otherwise yes you could make things worse for her. I would take the advice of calling a women's abuse hotline first. Check your local phone book there should be plenty in there.

    Good luck.

     
    Old 05-17-2004, 04:13 PM   #18
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    Re: Help-My friend is locked in a house and abused.

    This post is getting stranger....Does it matter what I think? I can only suggest what I would do if my bestfriend or a good friend was in a situation as you mentioned your friend was - I would hog tail myself over to the house w/a trusted male friend of mine, brother, or boyfriend, or an uncover police officer and do my own investigation on what the crap is going on.

    Your friend asked for your help, did she BEG for your help or just commonly ask for your help? You said you don't want to be like her husband by controlling her or telling her what to do...Well, my friend by you doing it you are merely saving a life not destroying one. Again, this is if your friend is really in harms way...I mean...she finally calls you and tells you she is going on a picnic with her husband and her mother? What is Up with that?

    There are different types of friends - those who sit and wait for things to happen and those who make things happen. Now, I'm not saying YOU can save this woman from her husband...BUT...your posts says otherwise.

    When my sister's exhusband beat her up - she called me, I called the police, I drove 70miles an hour to her house which was only 2 miles from my own house - I got there before the police - My idiot brother in law was HIDING upstairs from little old me, the cops arrive, my SISTER doesn't press charges instead I almost get arrested for disordering conduct for trying to get her to press charges, I begged her, and pleaded with her...Like the cops said to me I can't do anything, they can't do anything UNless MY SISTER filed charges,
    I tried talking to other cops, I went to see a lawyer for my sister, I wanted this abusive man Out of Her life, yes...my sister was ****** at me...I had some guys scare him that worked for awhile...What finally worked was when my niece - my sister's daughter told her she was no longer going to live with her in that situation and was going to come live with me, I also confronted the idiot brother in law and told him to HIT ME because it would be the last time he would hit any woman - He did not hit me and he finally let go and divorced my sister. Had I not fought for my sister's saftey I don't know and don't wish to know what would have happened...My sister and I are STILL very close, she thanks me now and is glad that I was stronger for both of us.
    Mind you, I may look tough or act tough..but I am not...I'm just a scared little girl in a woman's body..and When I stood Up to that man...I was shaking so bad but my angry got me through..

     
    Old 05-18-2004, 06:35 AM   #19
    eightball61
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    Re: Help-My friend is locked in a house and abused.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by sookchi
    should I keep incouraging her to leave? her husband doesnt know im involved..... I should definatly keep it that way....yes? She can stay with me and I can get her help.... I should keep incouraging her.....I hope she listens to me....she needs a FRIEND not someone to take over her husbands role in CONTROLING her and TELLING her what to do.

    You all think that I am doing the right thing now? Or not? ::
    As a friend you are doing a good a deed by telling her what best for her and in this situation its to leave. Although you should keep you distance to some degree so it doesn't make things worse if he finds that your onto him.

    I believe you are doing the right thing as a friend but remember all you can do is voive your opinion. The actions that need to be taking place would have to be through her intention because its her situation.

     
    Old 05-19-2004, 01:52 AM   #20
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    Re: Help-My friend is locked in a house and abused.

    When I first read this post, I didn't know how to respond. Very little detail was provided initially about the situation and we humans tend to be so melodramatic sometimes.

    The things that went through my mind were.
    If she was locked up, how was she communicating with Sookchi? Her phone, probably. At some point, her phone was broken and I envsioned her putting together a couple of makeshift flags to communicate by semaphore. Maybe she used a flashlight at night and depended on the old reliable Morse-Code, ... - - - ... , ... - - - ... (SOS). It could happen. She did manage to fix her phone didn't she. She is a female version of McGyver.

    I am not trying to lessen the serious issue of physical spousal abuse but let's get real here. She is going on a picnic!

    In all seriousness, if I was in that situation, I would help out and try to handle it myself first, whatever good that usually does. I would go over there, knock on the door and ask questions without taking sides. I emphasize "without taking sides". It's important not to be confrontational either. If I wasn't satisfied with the answers to my questions then I would evaluate whether to call the police or not. It is true. Some women don't want you to call the police no matter how much they are physically abused.

    I will tell you a true story involving a friend of mine. It happened about 20 years ago. He was involved in a similar situation where he tried to intervene on a couple arguing outside his apartment complex. He tried to come to the woman's help. He took sides. The guy turned on him as well as the girl. My friend decided to bow out. He apologized for butting in and started to back away. The guy and girl followed. My friend kept apologizing and walked all the way back to his apartment and went inside. The other guy wouldn't let up. He busted down my friend's door and went inside after him. By that time my friend had picked up his .357 and shot him point blank center mass. The police came and determined it was justifiable homicide, self defense. It didn't have to end that way. Sad but true.

     
    Old 05-19-2004, 06:08 AM   #21
    eightball61
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    Re: Help-My friend is locked in a house and abused.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hoop

    I will tell you a true story involving a friend of mine. It happened about 20 years ago. He was involved in a similar situation where he tried to intervene on a couple arguing outside his apartment complex. He tried to come to the woman's help. He took sides. The guy turned on him as well as the girl. My friend decided to bow out. He apologized for butting in and started to back away. The guy and girl followed. My friend kept apologizing and walked all the way back to his apartment and went inside. The other guy wouldn't let up. He busted down my friend's door and went inside after him. By that time my friend had picked up his .357 and shot him point blank center mass. The police came and determined it was justifiable homicide, self defense. It didn't have to end that way. Sad but true.

    Wow Hoop, I am sorry to hear what happen in this situation. This story is right about one thing and that is stuff like this happens everyday. There are people out there that want help from other when facing these types of situations and they usually back fire with a psycho threating both people because they stuck there nose where it shouldn't have been.

    We try to be good and help others out but we also have to watch for our safety. I believe it was said in here a few time but for cases like this it is the best interest for her friend to make a stand. Its totatlly right for the friend to be there and give supportive advice but at the same time she need to watch her ground. Hopefully with in time this girl just makes the stand and says see you latter.

     
    Old 05-19-2004, 06:27 AM   #22
    Salinas1
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    Re: Help-My friend is locked in a house and abused.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hoop
    I will tell you a true story involving a friend of mine. It happened about 20 years ago. He was involved in a similar situation where he tried to intervene on a couple arguing outside his apartment complex. He tried to come to the woman's help. He took sides. The guy turned on him as well as the girl. My friend decided to bow out. He apologized for butting in and started to back away. The guy and girl followed. My friend kept apologizing and walked all the way back to his apartment and went inside. The other guy wouldn't let up. He busted down my friend's door and went inside after him. By that time my friend had picked up his .357 and shot him point blank center mass. The police came and determined it was justifiable homicide, self defense. It didn't have to end that way. Sad but true.
    If the spirit and letter of the story you told is just as you told it, the ending, while no doubt sad, may have prevented untold terror and pain to many future potential recipients of this man's anger.

     
    Old 05-19-2004, 01:15 PM   #23
    Ninispjc
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    Re: Help-My friend is locked in a house and abused.

    In my opinion it doesn't matter if the woman wants the police involved or not. If the woman has allowed herself to get so deeply involved in this bad situation to the point where her husband has locked her in their house, she is not thinking clearly. The man is breaking the law whether his wife wants him to go to jail or not. Someone here said they had a friend in a similary situation who did not ask for help until she was almost killed. Should we wait for this woman to almost be killed to call the cops? And what if what we think is almost turns out to be absolutely? One poster here said you should wait until she hits rock bottom and when she thinks its bad enough she'll get help. Well, she's at that point but doesn't know it. She CAN'T help herself. And Hoop is right, you should not get directly involved yourself. I think it would be a mistake to even go over to the house "without taking sides" and assess the situation yourself. A woman has asked for help. She says she can't call the police herself, but it sounds to me like she's desperately hoping her friend will call the police for her. To me, like one of the other posters said, I wouldn't even have to think about it. I'd call 911 immediately and let them worry about whether or not it's serious enough to take someone to jail. 10 women are murdered by a husband or lover every single day in this country. That's about one every two hours. My question is, for those of you who think that immediately calling the police is not the right option, how many women have to be murdered before we start caring enough about this problem to try to stop it?

     
    Old 05-20-2004, 06:21 AM   #24
    excaliburgrl
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    Re: Help-My friend is locked in a house and abused.

    i have to wonder though, if she does get the police involved and then the wife decides to leave...i wonder if this will make his violence escalate...sorry if that's spelled wrong...

    there are no guns allowed in my house...just a dog that barks if anyone comes near...
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    Old 05-20-2004, 06:27 AM   #25
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    Re: Help-My friend is locked in a house and abused.

    That IS a possibility, Excaliburgirl. I've read that the most likely time for an abused woman to be killed or injured by her abuser is when she tries to leave. It's true. The abuser becomes desperate and wants to stop her at any cost. That's why it's very important to have a place to go where he can't find the woman. Not a friend's house, not a parents' house, but somewhere really unlikely. Either a shelter or some friend he doesn't know about who lives far away. It is a very dangerous situation and has to be handled right. After all, if the woman stays, she is likely to be injured or killed as well. I feel so bad for women who are in this situation.

     
    Old 05-20-2004, 06:30 AM   #26
    excaliburgrl
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    Re: Help-My friend is locked in a house and abused.

    no kidding...this is one of those situations that you can be killed if you stay or killed if you go...if you don't plan it right anyways...i definitely wouldn't go somewhere where he can find me...i just read a story recently about a girl that went to a friend's house and the hubby killed her friend....
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    Old 05-20-2004, 05:34 PM   #27
    eightball61
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    Re: Help-My friend is locked in a house and abused.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by excaliburgrl
    no kidding...this is one of those situations that you can be killed if you stay or killed if you go...if you don't plan it right anyways...i definitely wouldn't go somewhere where he can find me...i just read a story recently about a girl that went to a friend's house and the hubby killed her friend....

    If the situation get this tough then why can she just get a protection order against him & if she had the money why couldn't she hire someone to eatch over her for the time being?

     
    Old 05-21-2004, 06:57 AM   #28
    excaliburgrl
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    Re: Help-My friend is locked in a house and abused.

    jeff, if someone is truly crazy, then protection orders mean nothing...i had to put an order on an ex, but i still lived in fear that he wouldn't abide...and sure enough he didn't...still called my house...

    but having somebody watch over her is a good idea...or even a nice vicious dog...
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    Old 05-21-2004, 07:34 AM   #29
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    Re: Help-My friend is locked in a house and abused.

    If she doesn't want the police involved then someone else needs to step in.
    my post above wasn't a joke-a (girl)friend of mines boyfriend was smacking her around (injured very seriously once and spent time in hospital) and she wouldn't do anything because he had virtually brain washed her and police and social service have the hands tied to a certain extent.
    Anyway, after the hospital incident us group of lads decided that was enough - so we took him into the woods and showed him a freshly dug hole, and assured him if he laid a finger of her again he would be going in it.
    Did the trick - he left town - she cried as she "loved" him!!, but she's still alive and her broken ribs got better. only language psycho's understand I'm afraid
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    Last edited by Del_00; 05-21-2004 at 07:37 AM.

     
    Old 05-21-2004, 07:37 AM   #30
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    Re: Help-My friend is locked in a house and abused.

    and sometimes it does take having the bijiggers beaten out of ya to make ya understand...or just the threat...but either way...the friend could get in trouble if she had friends threaten this girls husband...
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    Last edited by excaliburgrl; 05-21-2004 at 07:38 AM.

     
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