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katte 28 01-13-2005 03:43 AM

Sexually abused in the past , lost boyfriend over it
Hi ,
It's true and it's going to be a long hard road. My ex and I had other problems but my avoiding sex was hard on him. I had been to counseling for this before but left when it wasn't economical. I'm racked with unbelieveable guilt and his leaving makes this worse. He won't be my friend or support me , even though I was there through some of his bad times. I don't know how I'm going to live with this. It eats and eats at me..We never had intercourse and even though we had our problems , he couldn't help me. Does anyone here know ..How do we live with the full effect of such a terrible trauma ? I feel like people don't get it , when your own father hurts you , it's tough to trust. My ex has his own problems...and I guess he can't support me. Not sure he ever really could. The good news is : I'm going back to therapy. I have to. Going on like this just isn't an option. thanks for listening. Has anyone here lost someone due to something like this ? Take it easy everyone and thanks for listening.
katte 28

pcantona 01-13-2005 09:31 AM

Re: Sexually abused in the past , lost boyfriend over it
Hi Katte!
It is a very hard thing to deal with and it is too hard to deal with all by yourself. It is a good decision that you decided to go to therapy for this.
The problem is with you and the road may be long before you heal up emotionally. Normal people that has not gone thru anything like this(including me) probably might not understand anything what you are going thru and the demons that you are fighting. You probably should stay away from serious relationships until you feel that you are able to function normally. Unless you get the 1 in a million guy that understands all of this and will be patient with you, but it is not very likely.

I did date/friendship with a girl that had been brutally raped when she was younger and she told me this straight up, before we even had any type of relationship and it was not based on sex&love, but rather a close friendship. It never worked out for other reasons, she moved out of the country. But the close friendship we had together was nice and I really did care about her alot and understood what she went thru. I guess during the time we were seeing each others, I was some type of therapy for her. Some times I slept over at her house because she wanted it, but in different beds and at some of those occations she wanted to sleep next to me and be held. She said she was scared to be alone and that she needed to learn to trust a man slowly again without having sex. I was ok with that. My point is that sometimes you have to seek out help for this and sometimes you have to find ways to heal yourself too and not be afraid to be honest about it, both to yourself and to others.

kerry1 01-13-2005 06:09 PM

Re: Sexually abused in the past , lost boyfriend over it
Yeah, you need to find a man like Pcantona. They are rare, but you deserve a good man. It's not your fault you were raped. I was sexually abused too, but emotionally, not physically. It's still abuse, and it still messes up your life. And the media sexually abuses us every day, if you think about it. I've lost guys who didn't understand me and didn't want to. I'm not speaking to you from a healthy perspective, either - I'm not healed. I got so sick of men and their selfishness that I dropped out of the game and chose to be alone. If I meet a man like PC I might change my mind.

Why would you want to be with a guy who didn't want to understand you? There's so much more to a relationship than intercourse. This ex of yours is not worth the trouble. You may not realize that now, but you will later.

katte 28 01-13-2005 11:19 PM

Re: Sexually abused in the past , lost boyfriend over it
kerry1 ,
Everyone I know has at one time or another said that my ex is an insensitive loser , who was looking for sex. I am beginning to see that , as he was controlling , and verbally abusive. Yeah , I want a nice guy. Like Pcantona , I agree. I think that with the right guy sex would not be such a focus , but more natural. You are right , there is more to life than sex and for now , I'd love a guy who isn't going to be a jerk. I seem to attract those...I feel unworthy sometimes , so I attract jerks. However , I've decided to get honest with myself and lately , I have taken less crap , from people in general. I'm finally getting it. I don't want a guy like my ex but I still feel guilty , sometimes. I did love him , at one time. On the whole , I believe that I don't want him , and he needs to not come around.
Pcantona ,
Thanks for the story and advice. You seem nice and such kindness is heart -warming, since I'm on the low income therapy waiting list , you know ? I have had therapy before and because of it , I have more faith that I'll be able to deal with this much better , once I begin healing again. I'm on the waiting list but I expected that. Thanks so much , both of you. I was abused by my father sexually and also by a male janitor at a catholic school..and few people know how it can affect a person. guys.
katte 28

pcantona 01-14-2005 06:39 AM

Re: Sexually abused in the past , lost boyfriend over it
Hi Katte!
One of the best ways to get better and feel better is to talk about it with people that you can trust. Going to therapy is a way to do this. They will help you heal yourself. Unfortunatly they can not go in and surgically remove your pains and traumatic experiences. Only you can do this thru therapy or by talking to people that you trust or even on a message board like this helps.
All too often people like this are left alone to deal with this and it is just too much for one person to process and most people just do not understand.
My only own experience with this is with this girl that was my close friend and my observations from the outside was that she was self destructive as well. When I met her she was a borderline alchoholic too. I am pretty sure she tried to drown her traumatic past in alchohol. I think that this is very common, even though it can take many forms of self destructive behavior.
I also think that when you have gone thru something like this you feel worthless and un-worthy. And when you are down like this, there are alot of people that can take advantage of this and hurt you even more. This is why some many men and women who has been abused in the past keep meeting jerks and get abused in one way or another again and again.

The only problem is that if you go on the path where you just alienate yourself from the surrounding or say..I am not gonna date anyone or befriend anyone. Then you will be alone and being alone when you have traumatic thoughts will just continue to make you this way, you will never get or feel better. You can only get better by trying again and try to be trusting again, but with the right people.

katte 28 01-14-2005 03:26 PM

Re: Sexually abused in the past , lost boyfriend over it
Pcantona ,
Thanks for your insight. You are right , I am self - destructive , at times but not on the scale I used to be. When I was younger , I was worse. You are right , I have a problem trusting men and people. I've made strides in being open and more compassionate toward people. My anger is there but it's less. I'm social by nature and have a wide circle of friends and people I know. Only my two best friends know about my past , so I'm not alone , completely.They don't live in the same town anymore , though. It's just that this whole thing has been tough on both of them and that's part of the reason I came here. I need to go to therapy and not drag my friends through this ( forever. ) Even though they don't mind , they say. Anyway , I'm lucky to have found them both. They have known me a long time but I didn't even tell them until recently...You are right. I'm slowly understanding that not everyone deseves loyalty and my trust. 31 years old and I'm finally learning. When I get down or alone at night , I really feel bad , sometimes , but I don't feel that way all the time. I used to and it was so bad...but I still need therapy. I feel stuck now that there are good things happening to me , you know ? Like I don't deserve it ??? Hmmm...Thanks for all the insight. By the way , I'm applying for college and I'm excited. BTW , the big trigger for all my bad feelings lately , it's that my abusive , addicted father keeps telling my family that he's going to visit me and he's told others that he's going to try to kill me. He's madness and he has no conscience. I don't think he'd show up here. I'm prepared for it , if he does , though. Thanks , again.
katte 28

deaflegacy 03-17-2005 07:52 PM

Re: Sexually abused in the past , lost boyfriend over it
It had happened to me more than once, I would not do anything intimate with the then-boyfriend and he would definitely have problems with that.

I've lost more than one boyfriend to that fact and now I've given up on having any relationship at all.

It hurted, it always hurted but in the end, I'd think to myself that the relationship was not worth any pain and leave it at that.

I understand how you feel.

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