Hi there
I'm 28 and I grew up in a physically & emotionally abusive household, and now I am concerned that I was possibly sexually abused as a child as well.
I grew up with my mother, who was physically & emotionally abusive. She was a single parent, and she had quite a few b/f until she married my step-dad when I was 11 and he used to physically abuse us. I used to see my bio father on & off until I was about 8 or 9, then only on special occassions and since I was 18, not at all. I also dont speak to my mother any more, and have a very impersonal relationship with my step-dad.
I have
never been very interested in sex, and recently I have
absolutely no interest at all, and when I think about sexual relations I've had with anyone other than my two long-term boyfriends, I feel disgusting. And recently, the thought of
anything to do with sex at all disgusts me.
I was thinking about why this is the other night and something suddenly popped into my head that shocked and scared me. I remembered that when I was 11ish, I used to think someone was coming into my room while I was sleeping and having sex with me, but that for whatever reason, I didnt know. I used to prop my door before I went to sleep so that I could tell if anyone had opened it.
Then in thinking about this, I realized some other things from my childhood that I never connected together. I used to be deathly afraid of men until I was about 18... I couldnt talk to them, and felt extremely uncomfortable around them. I also recalled that as a young child (4-7ish) I used to partake in some pretty "adult" sexual acts with a boy that lived across the alley from me. He was the same age as me, and most of the things we did, were my idea or mutual. My mum found out, and I got in big trouble and wasnt allowed to see him anymore. As well, during that time (age 4-7) I used to (I guess technically) masturbate at VERY inappropriate times, like during story time at school, at my mum's friends house... basically anytime, any place. I used to do it secretly, so no one knew... but I remember very clearly doing it.
Since I was 16ish, I have dealt with depression (was severe, but is now good). When I was 19ish I became bulimic and still am, although it is under control. I also have anxiety issues and PTSD from an incident when I was 19 that involved my best friend being beaten into a coma & now has brain damage. I have been in counselling for some time, with my most significant improvement over the past year (I can honestly say I have my depression, anxiety, bulimia and PTSD under control). I always thought all these "issues" were contributed to my physically & emotionally abusive upbringing, which is true I'm sure, but the way I acted as a child in regards to sexuality, seems weird, and not normal. I asked my mum if she knew, or even suspected that I had been sexually abused. She said she couldnt think of anything, and didnt think any of the stuff I mentioned above was abnormal.
But to me it doesnt seem normal at all.
I am looking for any thoughts on this.... because I dont really know what to make of it all.
Thanks alot
Becky
