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    Old 09-09-2005, 02:29 AM   #16
    knotme
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    Re: Was I abused...???

    hello no.1

    wow!! hypno really works!! I'm amazed at all the details, at such a young age. Glad it worked out 4ya!!

    cheers,
    knotty

     
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    Old 09-11-2005, 12:50 PM   #17
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    Thumbs up Re: Was I abused...???

    Congrats Hedge!!! I know some of this must be terrifying for you, but it sounds like you are well on your way to finding some answers. I'm so happy for you.
    Kristina
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    Old 09-27-2005, 12:38 PM   #18
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    Re: Was I abused...???

    As a child I was abused emotionally and physically. AS an adult I was abused emotionally, financially and physically. I didn't realize I was abused as a child until I realized my husband was abusing me. I thought it was normal to be hit, yelled at stolen from ect....

    I have never done regressions. I have done conscience therapy, looking at the similarities at my childhood and my marriage. It worked for me to realize this is not normal..... so now going forward..... I am a green belt in karate. Ok I know a bit weird but OMG as strong as I feel outwardly I feel inwardly. Looking at what I will put up with and what I won't anymore; who I am who I was and who i am going to be.

     
    Old 09-30-2005, 05:55 PM   #19
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    Re: Was I abused...???

    Hi. I've posted on another board here because I have struggled with addiction and recovery. You are welcome to read my other posts for that part of the story. Long story short, I was in recovery for almost 11 years from drug addiction, relapsed and I am now at the two week clean mark. What I am beginning to realize is that I became complacent in my "recovery" and the growth ceased.
    I had alot of childhood trauma. Emotional, physical, verbal. I also lost beloved people at a very young age that were very important to me and seemingly were my only link to "real" love and friendship. My highschool best friend died in a car accident when I was 18. My fiance died in a car accident when I was 20, 2 months from the wedding date. In both cases I felt like I lost my only link to people who could really relate to me, who really understood me and who really loved me without conditions.
    I also believe I may have been sexually abused. I only have occasional flashes - it's like a black and white snapshot almost. I was about 4 or 5 years old. The scene is always the same.
    I've never been in "traditional" therapy. I am pursuing that now. The only counseling I've ever had in my life relates to my substance abuse issues. I am now 37 years old and I feel like it's time to face my demons. The demons that probably lead me back to the drugs to dull some inner pain or defect that probably originated long ago.
    I just read your posts and felt inspired to tell someone a little of my story. It helps to see that there are others who have experienced similar losses and pains. It's frightening to face this stuff. I live it over and over again in some ways through my interactions with my own husband and children. Thankfully, I did not repeat the cycle of physical and emotional abuse with my kids. Thankfully I have a wonderful supportive husband who has put up with much from me through our marriage and has stood with me like a rock. But I feel like I could be a better parent & wife. I so often see my father in some of my reactions with my kids and it just makes me nauseous. I know we are never perfect, but I do not want to hurt my children. I want them to grow up feeling they were loved and nurtured. Not hated and tortured.
    Thanks for listening. It's helpful just to get some of it out and off your chest.

     
    Old 12-16-2005, 02:13 AM   #20
    Hedgehog No 1
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    Re: Was I abused...???

    This is almost an update - but not quite...

    I have resurfaced this because (from another board) there is someone else who might get some help from this thread.

    I am also moving forwards very carefully with my treatment.

    I would add, that although I am somewhat of a 'basket-case' from an emotional point, the progress I am making is good.

    I am getting my answers and have already had my first (of many) conversations with my father (by phone) and felt wonderfull afterwards.

    I will keep you all posted.

    Merry christmas and a happy new year.

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    Old 12-16-2005, 06:15 AM   #21
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    Re: Was I abused...???

    Hello Hedge
    Dont know if this was the board you mentioned but I can diffenantely understand. I too was sexually, emotionally and physcially abused but never really honestly dealt with it until a few years ago when I discovered the same family that abused me abused my daughter. I was like a raging mother bear when I found out and that's when it hit me like a baseball bat to the back of my head. My parents didnt care, in fact just the opposite they hid, denied, and left my sibling and I to fend for ourselves. The sad fact of the whole issue, is it was one of my siblings that sexually abused my daugther and once again my parents did the same to my daughter as they did to me.

    Reacting as I did to my daughters abuse forced me to face my own abuse. It caught me so off guard, it has left me rather shell shocked and Im still trying to deal with the
    constant waves of PTSD. Im terrified to trust others, I have no friends and will walk away at anything that comes close to hurt or betrayal even if nothing is meant by it which you have first hand experience with. Thank for accepting my apology.

    I no longer speak to any of my extended family. As my counselor says now Im in a continual process of greiving because they are all still living yet pretending nothing ever happened.

    The sexual abused was on and off for many years. If the truth be known I have never much cared for sex and the older I get the more I dispise it. Part of that could be from being drug when I was 15 and raped repeatedly unable to fight as the drug left
    me in a paralyzed state. That situation also occured via someone I had known for a while and trusted.

    I dont know if sharing some of my experience helps but I can honestly say the abuse and rape left me feeling like I was worthless and unloved, which has created a domino affect as I continually seek reasurrance Im loved and valued.

    My hope and wish to anyone who's ever experienced such hurt, pain and trauma is to find peace and comfort. So I'll end with this, Wishing you and your loved ones a Warm Comforting Holiday Season, K

     
    Old 12-16-2005, 08:32 AM   #22
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    Re: Was I abused...???

    IF you were abused (at least physically, possibly sexually)
    How do you/did you find out?

    I always knew it happened. I had just never labelled it "abuse" until I went into therapy in my late 20's after becoming extremely depressed (or tired of being chronically depressed).

    How did you deal with it?

    Therapy. Antidepressants. Therapy. I'm o.k. now. Life does get better. A lot better.

    How has it changed you?

    Deep-seated anger. Anger, anger, anger. I still deal with it, but handle it through exercise and being aware of it. I'm also stronger. More empathetic. Compassionate. And feel grateful that it wasn't worse. Being thankful for the millions of things that HAVE gone right in my life helps a lot. I'm not starving in Africa and dying of AIDS.

    How has it changed your relationships?

    Recognizing it hasn't changed my relationships. Relationships sucked when I didn't know what was going on, when I felt confused and depressed and blamed myself for it all ("something's wrong with me"). Therapy helped me not take on the shame of others' actions anymore, not turn that anger inward (depression) like I was.

    Be careful. Move at whatever pace YOU are comfortable moving. It may be that you weren't abused after all. And if you were, it will come to you when you are ready.

    There was a really good book out years ago regarding dealing with abuse. I wish I could remember the name. You might want to do a search and do some reading.

    Good luck. People get through this and become more stable and more satisfied with life. You can do it.

     
    Old 12-16-2005, 09:45 AM   #23
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    Re: Was I abused...???

    Morgan
    I figure you question was in general to everone but I'll answer. Yes I always knew
    but thought I had dealt with it, until my daughters abused finally came out after
    13 years. All of a sudden I was viewing my abuse thru a mothers eyes and realized
    not only had I educated my daughters but I never allowed anyone outside of the family to watch them, as all my sexual abuse came from outside family members.
    Then to find out not only two seperate family memebers abused my daughter but my extended family all stood together (including my siblings who were also victims) protecting the offender (my brother) and even getting angry at my family for exposing him. For some reason the after affect of their behavior was worse then finding out about the abuse. Maybe it was like having salt rubbed into the first wound when they denied my abuse then denied and then tried to hid my daugters. Maybe someday I will be able to find a positive aspect to this whole ordeal but its still an open wound that wont heal. Wishing you Happy Holiday Memories, asltw (actions speak louder than words)

     
    Old 12-17-2005, 09:30 AM   #24
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    Re: Was I abused...???

    I'm glad that it's coming together for you!
    In my experience abuse is one of the hardest things to overcome, but it certainly sounds like you're on the right road!
    Congratulations and Merry Christmas!

     
    Old 12-21-2005, 06:29 PM   #25
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    Re: Was I abused...???

    I was sexually abused as a child by a male neighbor. I told my mother about it and she kind of disregarded it as child's play. As a result, i became very independent, judgemental, self-reliant, and I don't let anyone in, because if I let someone in I gethurt and who will help me. I was 31 years old before I confronted these demons.

    I would think you would remember SOMETHING if you were sexually abused but I am certainly not an expert and I am certainly not saying you weren't abused. As far as relationships it has made my husband and I's relationship very difficult because I don't trust him, don't let him in, and I get very, very angry a lot and over extrememly smal l things. He has been a saint and put up with me finally admitting after 10 years of being together that I am controlling and have an anger issue. However, we have close to calling it quits several times and struggle with it every day

     
    Old 01-27-2006, 03:49 AM   #26
    Hedgehog No 1
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    Re: Was I abused...???

    UPDATE

    I tried the hypnotherapy - it only brought all my supressed anger and rage to the surface. So it was agreed that we would stop that until I was in a 'safer' frame of mind before continuing.
    I continued regular therapy on a weekly basis to try and move myself forward. The result of that was a free-fall into depression and suicidal feelings. Apparantly all to be expected.
    I am now back on meds to help with the 'overactive' thought process and also meds to help me sleep. (something that has eluded me for so long I can't remember how long.

    I am slowly destroying the relationship with my kids as they neither understand nor have the ability to cope with how I am behaving.

    I have just about destroyed my relationship with Carol. - it goes something like this - I am very ill, I can't cope with how I feel, Carol can't cope with how I am, she knows the causes of my ilness go back to my childhood and parents, that makes her angry, she has no outlet for her anger - except towards me. That makes me even more insecure and withdrwn and creates a situation of being 'clingy' towards her even more, this only makes her more angry because she can't cope with me as I am anyway.

    Vicious circle or what!!!

    So I am back on the meds . The very thing I tried to rid myself of over a year ago. My P-Doc says it should only be a temporary measure until I am settled and then continue with the therapy again. However, he suggest that I should be going once a month, not once a week. Apparently I made things worse by being impatient. (yet another trait of mine).

    So the warning to anybody else...

    Be VERY VERY carefull.

    I'll consider keeping this thread open as there are very few dealing with this subject. I will refrain from 'graphic' details, but will inform you as and when my 'picture' becomes clearer in my head.

    As a foot note when I spoke with my father on the phone I quized him concerning a four inch scare i have above my right eye which occured when I was three.( this is possibly my 'trigger incident') I never really knew the truth and never expected to find out but his answer was amusing (and digitally recorded by myself...!!!) He said he hit me with a shovel ... and if he didn't, he should have ...!!!

    I'll keep you posted . I am having a four week break from ANY treatment with my new meds, then going back to see my P-doc. Then we will discuss if I am ready to start psychotherapy again.

    Hedge ~
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    Last edited by Hedgehog No 1; 01-27-2006 at 03:54 AM.

     
    Old 02-14-2006, 04:35 AM   #27
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    Re: Was I abused...???

    UPDATE

    Well, it has now been three weeks since I started taking meds again.

    I was given 'FLUANXOL' (FLUPENTHIXOL DIHYDROCHLORIDE).
    Initially I was prescribed a dose of 1mg twice a day.
    This had the desired effect of stopping my mind from 'racing' all the time but left me feeling very sedated. Quite a bit too sedated, in fact.
    So I dropped the dosage to 0.5mg twice a day.
    (I am quite used to safely self-medicating)
    I was left feeling very calm but NOT over sedated.
    I skipped my morning dose yesterday as I still felt sedated.
    I decided last hight NOT to take my evening dose as I really felt like I didn't NEED it.
    It has now been over 36 hours since I've taken anything.

    I feel calm, relaxed, NOT sedated, fairly happy and cheerful.
    Is this feeling what is known as 'NORMAL' ...???

    A feeling I have often wondered what it would be like to experience.
    I am hoping that this sensation is something I can hold on to.

    I am due to see my P-Doc this time next week.
    Preferably without medication but if I NEED to, I will accept the fact that I will have to take meds for a while. Who knows?

    My overall mood has now turned to the considering of returning to full-time work. A MAJOR step forward for me.

    I'll keep you all posted...
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    Old 09-22-2006, 08:23 PM   #28
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    Re: Was I abused...???

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hedgehog No 1
    IF you were abused (at least physically, possibly sexually)
    How do you/did you find out?
    How did you deal with it?
    How has it changed you?
    How has it changed your relationships?
    Have you considered any form of regression?
    How did it affect you?
    1) I think I repressed the memory - or, at least, I didn't know that what had happened to me was sexual abuse....until I read a letter from a girl in a teen magazine and I thought, that could be me.

    2) I dealt with it by writing a letter to my youth pastor and telling him about it, with the clipping from the magazine. At the time I was going to therapy for depression. I eventually told my parents.

    3) It has changed me because now the pieces are all fitting together and I can see how this event has shaped my personality and the certain ways that I think and live in this world. It has caused me to have more compassion for those who have been sexually abused and also those who have EDs, and I have a desire to help them now.

    4) It changed my relationships because now I am searching for deeper, more meaningful relationships with people, not superficial. I really long to talk with people and get to know them. I don't know if it has changed my relationship with my parents or the others I have told (because I haven't seen the latter much anymore).

    5) No, I have not considered any form of regression. Although sometimes I still feel like a child in that I miss my mom a lot and my childhood days.

    6) It affected me in so many ways. I have grown stronger because of this, and I will not let it ruin my life.

    There is so much more I can say about this. If any of you have any questions or comments, please feel free to PM me.

     
    Old 10-03-2006, 08:46 AM   #29
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    Re: Was I abused...???

    hedge, speak to your counsellor about if you should go in for this, i take it you mean hypnosis?

    I'm a hypnotherapist and it can help, but i feel you would need to be a bit further along and mentally stronger before going down that road, it can help, its going to be hard, but its never as bad as the actual event ( if it happened at all )

    good luck and keep working hard, you owe it to yourself and your family to beat this!!!!!

    hugs

    Sarah XX

     
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