HealthBoards

HealthBoards (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/)
-   Abuse Support (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/abuse-support/)
-   -   My sister is Abused, help (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/abuse-support/440011-my-sister-abused-help.html)

Kia3238 10-23-2006 05:50 PM

My sister is Abused, help
 
My 19 year old sister has a 1 year old with this guy I can not stand! I am her older sister and I want to do nothing but protect her. This guy is 23 and she even has a protection from abuse order on him. He has hit her more than once and cheated on her as well. My sister and the baby used to live with me but recently moved into her own place and I feel like all is going downhill. Just today I went to my dad's house and this jerk was there, all I wanted to do is hurt him, but BEING NICE I just said what are you doing here. Well my sister got mad at me and left. She said he changed, well 'he changed' many times & has still been the same jerk he always was. I even gave him a chance last year & invited him into my home but he has proven numerous time he's nothing but bad. When she was pregnant, he was in jail! Needless to say, he does not have a job and does not pay child support. She even has full custody of the baby. What else can I do, I know it's her own life. How can't she see she deserves so much better?! I want her to know she can come to me with anything, but at the same time I am not going to give in & pretend the way this jerk treats her is ok. :confused:

akazie 10-23-2006 11:42 PM

Re: My sister is Abused, help
 
This is a touch situation to be in but honestly, it is up to your sister if she wants to be in this relationship. All you can do is try to be there for her, it isn't worth losing the relationship you have now with your sister. If she is in love, she will probably put up with this behaviour, one day she might realise that this guy isn't for her.

happymom28 10-24-2006 06:58 AM

Re: My sister is Abused, help
 
The only thing you can do is try to be supportive of your sister no matter what she does. If you are judgemental of her choices you run the risk on alienating her. This is probably exactly what that jerk of a boyfriend wants.

When she is ready to get out of this relationship she will. If you have never been in an abusive relationship before than you have no idea how hard it can be. I know it's tough to sit there and see what your sister is going through. My older sister watched me do it for years before I finally left for good.

Just be there for her. Try to get her to do things with you without him involved that don't revolve around talking about her relationship. Maybe this will help her open up to you. We all know that this is no good for her or her son, but when the time comes for her to leave (and hopefully that will be soon) she is going to need you more than ever.

brazilman 10-24-2006 08:11 AM

Re: My sister is Abused, help
 
[QUOTE=Kia3238]My 19 year old sister has a 1 year old with this guy I can not stand! I am her older sister and I want to do nothing but protect her. This guy is 23 and she even has a protection from abuse order on him. He has hit her more than once and cheated on her as well. My sister and the baby used to live with me but recently moved into her own place and I feel like all is going downhill. Just today I went to my dad's house and this jerk was there, all I wanted to do is hurt him, but BEING NICE I just said what are you doing here. Well my sister got mad at me and left. She said he changed, well 'he changed' many times & has still been the same jerk he always was. I even gave him a chance last year & invited him into my home but he has proven numerous time he's nothing but bad. When she was pregnant, he was in jail! Needless to say, he does not have a job and does not pay child support. She even has full custody of the baby. What else can I do, I know it's her own life. How can't she see she deserves so much better?! I want her to know she can come to me with anything, but at the same time I am not going to give in & pretend the way this jerk treats her is ok. :confused:[/QUOTE]

Hello

I think I can discern two agendas here. One is clear and relatively justifiable, whereas the other is almost hidden and dispensable.

I understand that your first agenda is to protect your nephew (or your niece, I don't know which) rather than your sister, because your nephew or niece is certainly the weakest one in this plot and it seems that the two parents don't much care about it. All in all, your sister is an adult, isn't she? And even if she is legally not an adult yet, you are not her mother. What do your own parents think about the situation? Are they indifferent to it? Unless you could start a lawsuit to prove that your sister and this guy are morally incapable of raising their kid, which will bring you onto a collision course with them both, there is very little you can do, except being with the child and trying to have a positive influence upon it, that is, minimizing the ill effects of its uncaring parents. (Maybe your sister isn't really uncaring, but her association with this guy makes her appear to be so.)

The second hidden agenda is somewhat interwoven with the first. The first agenda shows that your concern for the kid is justifiable (after all, you are its aunt), but then again that you are being too maternal, and that is possibly not your role. Besides, you are demanding too much from yourself. The second agenda emerges from this point: you are not only being unreasonably maternal, but also it seems you are using this as a cover for your own life. Possibly you find your present life to hollow and meaningless, so you have clung to your younger sister's "predicament" as a sheet anchor.

I hope you can look well into these questions and find the best way to use your energy, preferably into your own life.

JC

lovethoscurls 10-24-2006 09:09 AM

Re: My sister is Abused, help
 
It is very normal to want to protect the ones we love, unfortunately in this situation you can't. Your sister will not leave until she is ready. Love is blind, and you will push her away by trying to either make her leave him, or by being rude to him. You need to ignore him and be there for her and her baby when they need you. This is a very tough situation, because as you said you don't want to sit and watch it, but you have to. Unless of course the child is in danger, then you need to take legal action. You can make a report without them finding out it was you.


Good Luck!!

Nina000 10-24-2006 04:24 PM

Re: My sister is Abused, help
 
Yes, I know the feeling and you are absolutely right to worry, but like others said, you can't do anymore. SHE needs to see his bad side and this is not easy at all.Maybe she will get tired of his irresposibilty/abuse. I just hope that she doesn't realise it too late. No one more than me know how damaging these relationships could be. I was in this situation, in your sister's position. But it would only burden me more if my family knew/reacted angrily. I don't blame you at all, but you can't do anything, unfortuantely, except report him to the police anytime you see him hit her/abuse her.

Kia3238 11-11-2006 02:54 AM

Re: My sister is Abused, help
 
Thanks to all for posting their advice, expect Brazilman. I am my nephew's aunt, in no way I think of him as my son. I know my place and in no way do I think your negativity is welcome on this board. I don't need a front, I have my own life. I love my sister & my nephew with all my heart and anyone in this situation would feel the same. My sister is 20 and my nephew is 1. My mother is not much of a positive influence and most of my life I've been the strong one for my little sister, as I am doing now. That is my place, to be strong for her & to do the best for them. Not a cover for my own life, because I am happy with everything I have. Are you?

galinaqt 11-11-2006 04:58 AM

Re: My sister is Abused, help
 
[QUOTE=lovethoscurls]It is very normal to want to protect the ones we love, unfortunately in this situation you can't. Your sister will not leave until she is ready. Love is blind, and you will push her away by trying to either make her leave him, or by being rude to him. You need to ignore him and be there for her and her baby when they need you. This is a very tough situation, because as you said you don't want to sit and watch it, but you have to. Unless of course the child is in danger, then you need to take legal action. You can make a report without them finding out it was you.


Good Luck!![/QUOTE]
They would certainly guess who reported, but she should still do it. May be one day her sister will be greateful to her.


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:03 AM.