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    Old 09-27-2007, 05:56 AM   #1
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    I feel I am being psychologically I unreasonable?

    I really need some advice on this one. I'm not sure what constitutes abuse here, I don't want to offend any one going through anything worse, but I just can't handle my marriage any more.

    I've only been married about a year. My husband is constantly telling me he hates me and he only married me because he felt guilted into it. When I say something about it, he says he was joking. We fight constantly, and he tells me he's the only one that could put up with me because I'm such a (insert nasty name here). He doesn't let me go out with friends, and when I mention it he'll just get angry really fast and tell me the house isn't clean enough. Last week he slapped me in the face at a restaurant and then laughed and said it was a joke. I am still so embarrassed by it, and when I talk to him he said he was only kidding and I take things too seriously.

    The thing is, I still love him so much, and I can't make myself leave. I feel like I'll regret it. i've been with him for 7 years (married for 1), and I don't know if I'm just used to him or if I still love him. He's always so nice for a few days after we fight that I kind of live for those moments, it's all I have.

    So I'm not sure of my next step. I'm afraid to leave. I feel like I'm walking out instead of working on it. He flatout refused to talk to a marriage counselor, so that route is out. Right now he is in one of his happier moments, but I still feel miserable, like it is wearing on me to go through this constantly. I need help, and he won't let me leave to go see a therapist, so i'll sneak these in.

    Thanks everyone, I hope you all have a wonderful day. Take care.

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    Old 09-27-2007, 06:04 AM   #2
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    Re: I feel I am being psychologically I unreasonable?

    this is definitely considered abuse, emotional/mental and even physical. He slapped you once already.. its only a matter of time before he does it again, and/or worse. He's trying to keep control over you; not giving you permission to go out, telling you the house isn't clean enough... are you his child or his wife??

    Was he always like this, or did it just change once you were married?

    I'm sure you love him, but I also think that as you've said, gotten used to it. You've been putting up with it for so long. But.. you shouldn't be tolerating it. I'm glad that you've already talked to him about this, and have suggested counseling. His refusal to go seems to say that he doesn't see anything wrong in his behavior, and that he is happy with the way things are. If you really want to work on this marriage then you need to give him an ultimatum. Counseling, or you leave. To show him you are serious, arrange with a friend or family member to stay with them for a bit. Let him know that you're not going to put up with his abusive treatment anymore.

    Are the few days of his happy mood worth all the bad? Think a few years ahead.. do you plan to have children one day? Do you want him to treat your children the same way.. or have them see you be treated like that? If you don't put a stop to it now, it will only get worse...

    Old 09-27-2007, 06:26 AM   #3
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    Re: I feel I am being psychologically I unreasonable?

    Thanks for your reply, I am glad to hear someone else's opinion. Sometimes it's hard to know the right thing when you're caught up in so many intense feelings. He has really only started this since we got married, he was always a little wierd about me going out with friends, but it was never this bad. We didn't live together, and maybe that is why I didn't notice it so much before.
    I used to look forward to having children with him, but now I almost fear it because of the way he's changed.

    I guess if I give him an ultimatum, I'm really going to have to be prepared to leave if I have to. I feel so much like I don't have the resolve to do that, this is so hard. I wish I knew these things earlier, I've grown so attached to his family, because I don't really have one of my own. But, that is life, I suppose.

    Thanks for your help, I am going to try this and see what happens.

    Old 09-27-2007, 06:36 AM   #4
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    Re: I feel I am being psychologically I unreasonable?

    You are in an abusive relationship. I've been there for 6 m and was sick from it for a very long time. It is not harmless to your mental and phisical health to start with. You can have depressions, ptsd and so on.
    It is very typical be abusive than nice for few days, isolating friends and family, trying to persuade you that you can't get anybody else, phisical abuse. I personally think that person like that can't be changed. You better of alone or with a descent person. It doesn't have to be like that. Live him before you have kids with this crip.

    Old 09-27-2007, 06:41 AM   #5
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    Re: I feel I am being psychologically I unreasonable?

    he is definately abusive

    Old 09-27-2007, 06:50 AM   #6
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    Re: I feel I am being psychologically I unreasonable?

    The fact that he raised a hand to you in public, personally, is just astounding to me. He slapped you in the face? When does that become acceptable? It doesn't matter if he thinks he was 'joking' (which, come on, we all know he wasn't... a light punch in the arm, a flick on the nose, that's joking around, a slap in the face?! No way!), and it's certainly not acceptable for him to say he 'hates' you and only married you out of guilt. What the hell is that?

    He is controlling and abusive... I really think that there isn't much you can do to change him and how he's acting, it is in your best interest to run - not walk - in the opposite direction of this man. I know it's difficult, a lot of us have been there in the past, because of your long-term relationship with him, but he is not safe. He is dangerous, and so abusive... the good times do NOT outweigh the bad - look how horrible you feel now.

    There are people out there who will love you so much, who will want to give you the world and would NEVER imagine telling you they 'hate' you. Why would you want to give up that opportunity for this jerk?

    Old 09-27-2007, 06:56 AM   #7
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    Re: I feel I am being psychologically I unreasonable?

    You really need to stick your ground on this..b/c as I said, if its not resolved it will only get worse. And you can't give him empty threats... thats why I suggested staying with a friend to show him that you're serious.. that you are prepared and willing to leave if he doesnt take the steps to better himself.

    Keep repeating to yourself what you said: "I almost fear it now." (about having kids) I don't need to tell you that this is a far from healthy or normal way to feel about kids and marriage.

    Can you talk to his family about his behavior? Maybe with their support he will have some more incentive to get help.

    Definitely do not let this behavior continue. It will be extremely hard, but it is much better than the alternative.

    Old 09-27-2007, 07:18 AM   #8
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    Re: I feel I am being psychologically I unreasonable?

    I just read your first post and hit reply so I appologize if I repeat anything.

    Yes, this is abuse and you are in NO WAY being unreasonable. Honestly, I don't think it is "love" that you feel anymore. After 7 years I just think you are conditioned to accept his treatment toward you.

    He doesn't want to go to marriage counselling and puts everything on you being too sensitive or whatever other excuse he uses. He refuses to see that HE IS THE PROBLEM! Because of this your marriage can't be saved. It will continue to spiral downward. I am just amazed that he had the balls to hit you public! My ex-husband would never do anything in public because it would ruin the persona of himself that he liked everyone else to see. That shows me that your husband is capable of A LOT worse! I would be very fearful if I were you.

    Do you have any family or friends around that you can go stay with? If you do, go somewhere safe and file for divorce. There is assistance for abused women like you to help you put an end to the marriage. Don't wait. I promise you he will NEVER change. It's too late for that. He needs a submissive woman to control. You deserve far better than this.

    I meant to ask, do you have any children? I pray you haven't gone that route yet. I really don't want you to feel compelled to stay for them.

    Old 09-27-2007, 07:53 AM   #9
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    Re: I feel I am being psychologically I unreasonable?

    Please be very very careful; I don't even know you and I already wish I can be there to help you out of this...

    I knew someone very close to me at one point in my life and she married a guy just like your husband... She asked me if she should marry him. I didn't want to tell her NO, yet I did say that if it doesn't work out, she can always consider a divorce, YET, if she has a child with him, she's bound to him pretty much for the rest of her life through their child...

    WELL, this was over 10 years ago; she got married, he started to hit her right after they got married, it got worse and had a child right after....

    She CANNOT leave him because she now has a child with him and it would be impossible for her to make it on her own and cut ties with him until the child is much more older...

    Guess what? HER child one day confessed to me that the husband hits and abuses them too. The child was so scared that they told me not to tell "mommy or daddy" I told you because I am afraid daddy will hit me again...

    YOU ARE very lucky and smart to not have had a child with your husband!

    This woman's husband does the same as how your husband treats you; ITS considered domestic violence and can be a considered criminal offense to hit/slap someone - that's how bad/serious your situation is AND I am shock that you would have to question if his treatment would constitute abuse... Its not your fault, if you have to question at this point if what your husband is doing is right or wrong, I can imagine what other horrible things he is doing to such a wonderful human being like yourself.

    He's also brainwashed you very thoroughly as well, and that's exactly what "Seasoned Abusers" do to their victims...

    Please seek a women's domestic violence support group in your community to help build and implement a plan to get you out of this dangerous, life-threatening situation...

    Also, I suggest you at least consult with a divorce attorney - this is going to be very important especially because people like your husband is dangerous and will be a nightmare to deal with legally on your own if you do plan to separate.

    I know this is hard to say yet the level of his treatment towards you will never change; he's not seeking help and denies any help or resolution you offer for your relationship... YET, you can change - it will be difficult in the beginning, yet just remember their are people trained to help people like you: You are not alone...

    Please be well and there's a light at the end of this experience if you deal with it proactively...

    Old 09-27-2007, 08:03 AM   #10
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    Re: I feel I am being psychologically I unreasonable?

    He is abusing you. Both verbally, emotionally and pysically. He hit you once at a restaurant, didn't anyone see? If it happened once it can happen again. Sometimes my b/f says things to me too and then says he's joking and that I take things to seriously. Not as bad as your husband says but he says things to me and he knows I don't like that. In general though, people who know me or who just met me and realize the way I am tend to say things to me then say there just kidding. Thats a huge pet peeve to me. Although I thought about it and thought well it depends what was said. And you can't hit someone then say it's a joke, like no way. Anyway so he won't let you and him see a marriage councelor. Does he work? Or go out? When he's not home call one. Look in the yellow pages and get a number. Or an emergency hotline for abused women. Don't leave the house cause what if he comes back and sees your not there? So call someone. Call a friend or something cause you are being abused and need to get out of it. You don't need that kind of treatment.

    Last edited by babydiva; 09-27-2007 at 08:08 AM.

    Old 09-27-2007, 08:21 AM   #11
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    Re: I feel I am being psychologically I unreasonable?

    That is absolutely abuse. An ex boyfriend of mine was similar to that, yet not as extreme. He never flat out called me names like your husband does, but he was very emotionally absuive and controlling. The fact that your husband is already emotionally abusive and controlling is a BAD sign. And he has already hit you. My ex did the same thing. And he too played it off as a joke. It is NEVER a joke when you physically touch another person. It is NEVER ok. You need to think about your future. Psychologists and the general population alike will tell you that these are all warning signs for a seriously abusive relationship. Things like this usually progress. It starts out seeming "harmless" and just gets worse and worse. I know how hard it is to leave someone you love, but you seriously need to consider what your future may have in store for you if you stay. I can't imagine you want to be one of those abused, neglected, and controlled women, do you?

    Another way to look at it is this, how much can he really love you if he is treating you like that. You deserve someone who will REALLY love you. Part of loving someone is not only telling them and being in love with them, but ACTING like you love them as well.

    I will just tell you, it was one of the hardest decisions in my life to leave my ex. I thought we were going to get married and be together forever. But I realized I wasn't going to be that abused girl, so I finally got up the strength and left. I have never made a better decision in my life. It's been over 3 years now, and I am so happy with my life. I am with a man who truly loves me, and there is no comparison with my ex.

    Good luck!

    Old 09-27-2007, 08:44 AM   #12
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    Re: I feel I am being psychologically I unreasonable?

    I Also Had A Ex Like That.. In Public Would Throw Things At Me While We Were At Dinner. He Would Emontionally Put Me Down Everday That He Could! Of Course He Would Say He Was Kidding And He Loved Me But It Would Happen Everyday! I Loved Him Just Like U Do Your Husband But I Couldn't Take It. Emontionally I Coulnd't Take It. He Drained Everything Out Of Me. I Was Scared To Even Go Out With My Friends! He Got To Do And Say What He Wanted. He Would Also Be Super Nice At Times But Managed To Some How Hurt My Feelings. From Personal Experience Please Get Out While You Can It Will Be Sooooo Hard. But It Will Make U So Healthy And It Will Be Worth. Please Get Out Before U Have Kids Because Once You Have Kids It Will Twice As Hard. You Don't Want To Live A Miserable Life. You Wil Hate Yourself.

    Old 09-27-2007, 09:40 AM   #13
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    Re: I feel I am being psychologically I unreasonable?

    Just to add my 2 cents...

    Yes, it is absolutely abuse, not only mental and emotional, but physical, with the slap. I know you don't want to leave him, but really, wouldn't a nice, peaceful, calm life alone, knowing that you're going to go through the whole day not getting yelled at, bossed around, berated, belittled, insulted, knowing you can go out in public and know for sure you're not going to get slapped or hit or yelled at or humiliated or embarrassed? Are those precious few sweet moments really worth all the rest of the garbage? Are they really worth throwing away your strength, confidence, self esteem, your trust in your own judgment and own intelligence and abilities? What really do you have in this life if you don't have trust and confidence in yourself? You're so focused on how much you love him, but have you ever asked yourself honestly, as much as it hurts, does he really love you? Is this how someone treats you when they really love, honor and respect you? What if he decides he doesn't want you anymore and he leaves? Where will you be then?

    It's always a mistake to put all your eggs in someone else's basket. You must fight, and fight hard, for your independence, freedom, and your life. Get up on your own two feet and get to a point where you are able to leave him if you want to and don't let him stop you. If he ever, I mean EVER raises a hand to you again, get yourself to a women's shelter fast and NEVER go back, or you'll only have yourself to blame for what happens after that. You know deep in your gut what you have ahead of you with him. It's up to you to protect and look out for yourself.

    Old 09-27-2007, 09:54 AM   #14
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    Re: I feel I am being psychologically I unreasonable?

    You need to leave this person but you also need to be smart. First you need to contact legal aid or a lawyer if you can afford it and find out what your legal rights are as far as finances etc....Protect your money. At the same time plan where you can go. Parents/family/friend/or battered womens shelter. I would not confront him while you are alone with him...I would just simply put my plan together and then leave with all that you can take...per lawyer's advice. Then call him and tell him...never do it face to face unless you have a couple of people with you that can protect you if they have to. I also think that you might need an order of protection...he sounds like he might come after you just to 'talk/slap' some sense into you. Never be alone with him after you leave...even just to talk when he promises hand to god he will not harm afraid be very afraid. Good luck to you.

    Old 09-27-2007, 11:24 AM   #15
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    Re: I feel I am being psychologically I unreasonable?

    He'll never change.. it's just not going to happen. No and's, if's or but's about it. If you stay, do you really want to be with someone who refuses to make you happy? Don't you want a man out there that would go to the ends of the Earth to make you happy? Because there are men like that out there. I snagged one of them.

    I used to be with an abusive man like your husband. It was horrible. How I lasted 3 1/2 years I have no idea. I didn't have a life. My home was like a prison since I wasn't allowed to go anywhere without him. ANYWHERE! except work. If I went to the bank after work without him, I would get yelled at. I shiver when I think of those times and I try to block it all out.. bad times in my life then... the emotional and physical abuse was horrid..

    You've been with him for 8 years so you have become used to this situation. You've gotten used to this "normal" behavior. But it's FAR from normal. You've become the submissive woman-the only type of woman your husband would be with, cause thats who he can control.. Honestly I don't know what to say since you've lasted this long with this "man". What could anyone say to make you leave? What can anyone say to knock some sense into you?

    We only get one shot at life and we need to make the most of it. Life is way too short to be harassed everyday for every little thing. That isn't even life..that's prison...and you have done nothing wrong so why must you be punished everyday?

    You stay for the "good times".. those aren't good times.. those are phony times. It should be good EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! I mean of course couples bicker and argue.. but to be harassed everyday except for those "good days" is NO EXCEPTION.

    He may honestly think in his mind that he loves you.. but he doesn't.. he doesn't even love himself.. hes not even happy with himself.. or he wouldn't need you to control...

    I wish you all the courage in the world to get your life back...

    Last edited by Ms_ENV27; 09-27-2007 at 11:25 AM.

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