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vvaneeden 08-31-2009 06:56 AM

how do you know when you were sexually abused?
My husband told me that he was sexually abused by his uncle when he was between 4 and 10 yrs old. He was an introvert at school but blaming that on the fact that his father was an alchoholic and they never had basic essentials. when we married I had two kids from a previous marriage. His father of 60 lived with us and then my daughter who was 14 at the time became rebellious. to make a long story short, we discovered that my father inlaw had intercourse with my daughter, I chucked my father inlaw out of my house and went to the police station to make a case, of which he only got at 2 year suspended sentence because of his age. when all this happened I approached my husband again of his statment of being sexually molested by his uncle, who then told me that he had lied and made up the whole story for the sake of attention and he cant remember ever being abused. When I didnt believe him, he told me what actually happened was that he would perform sexual acts with his down syndrom brother and that he was disgusted at himself for doing this as a young child. Is there any way he was sexually abused? as I am beginning to think that it might have been his father. He never got acknowledgement from his father and still today at the age of 36 is still craving acknowledgement from his father which he is not getting. He was even a bit upset with me when I went to the police with his father after what he did to my daughter and his mom and sister all said that my 14 yr old daughter had seduced their 60 yr old father....could this even be true? as a social worker told me that no man wakes up at the age of 60 and commits such a disgusting act..but there is no evidence that his father ever done this in the past. My husband is abnormally forgetful, has to go and wee sometimes in the space of 10 minutes after each other and claims he has always had a weak bladder since childhood. suffers from terrible migraines and he is a compulsive liar, he will tell a lie if it makes other people like him or he will tell a lie and justify it as he had to tell the lie because I cant see when my kids manipulate me or lie to me about things that he feels deserves punishment...which I find very scary. I have drilled him over and over and he insists he cant remember ever being sexually will he or me ever know if this did occur?

Mary83 08-31-2009 09:53 AM

Re: how do you know when you were sexually abused?
I don't know if the physical "symptoms" you're describing have anything to do with sexual abuse, but his emotional "symptoms" seem to. If he committed sexual acts with his brother, that may be a sign of sexual abuse... possibly when he was younger and/or too young to remember. Is it possible that someone (his dad or uncle) forced him to commit sexual acts with is brother? Either way, the mentality to do something like that, with or without actual encouragement from someone else, is a sign of sexual abuse. The signs of sexual abuse stay around forever, and sometimes the memories only come back after a long time... typically after something triggers them.
As the social worker said, the dad has been a sexual abuser his whole life...whether or not this is the first time he's done it. And no, you're 14 year old did not "seduce" him as some are saying. Your husband's father is the adult, and even if she did flirt with him (which sounds unlikely in the first place), it's his responsibility to put a stop to it.

Anyway, to make a long story short, it definitely sounds like your husband has been sexually abused. It may be that he is hiding it, or maybe he really doesn't remember it. Sometimes when people go through traumatic experiences they block them out of their memory. Or it may have been when he was too young to remember.

rosequartz 08-31-2009 10:02 AM

Re: how do you know when you were sexually abused?
I don't have the answer, but I'm sorry your daughter had to go thru this!
I'm disappointed that your husband would allow his father to live with you, and I suspect he knew what his father was capable of.
I'd chuck the husband out with the father in law.......
the whole family sounds messed up to accuse your daughter of secuding her grandfather....gimmee a break......there's a lot of denial and dysfunction going on in that family.....

trystme 08-31-2009 10:11 AM

Re: how do you know when you were sexually abused?
Unfortunately, if he won't tell you then there is no way for you to know what happened to him. The whole lot of them sound like damaged goods and if it were me, I'd keep them all away from my kids including your husband. I hate to say that, but from just what you have told us, I just wouldn't take the chance.

Lysander 08-31-2009 03:27 PM

Re: how do you know when you were sexually abused?
With respect, I think that no matter how understandably concerned you are, it is not your place to drill your husband or bring up memories of something that may or may not have happened. If that is a part of his past he needs to reclaim to help himself, that's better done with professional help. If he doesn't remember or doesn't want to remember, there's nothing you can do, and ultimately knowing wouldn't change anything that happened - it is the present and protecting your family that you need to worry about now.

I'm very, very sorry about what happened to your daughter. It is common for family members to blame the victim when one of their own murders or abuses an innocent person. Who would want to believe that of someone they love? But it happens. It is also not unusual for victims themselves to be angry when their abuser is caught. I used to know a man that had been repeatedly molested by his uncle as a child and he refused to tell his mother because he didn't want to disrupt the family - even though this pedophile had a son of his own that he was probably abusing. This friend would rather let another boy be abused than make his mother upset by revealing that her brother was an abuser. There are so many layers of guilt and shame, loyalty and hatred that comes into play with sexual abuse.

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