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I was abused by my dad

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Old 03-15-2011, 12:40 PM   #1
Join Date: Mar 2011
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emlking HB User
Unhappy I was abused by my dad

The abuse started when I was 16, well i think i was 16, I honestly can't remember it lasted that long. My dad raped me several times and touched me inappropriately. He did this nearly everyday for nearly 2 years, I told my mum in November last year and she called the police straight away and he was arrested that same day. My dad admitted it straight away to my mum and said he believed i was not his daughter, I am. He was very controlling towards my mum & my sister and we were never allowed a social life and we always had to do as he said. He used to tell me I was a waste of space and he used to get really angry at me for no reason and start shouting abuse at me, I was so scared.
Now he has gone i do feel relieved and feel free, he has ruined my life and I think about what he did everyday. I also feel guilty and that this whole thing was my fault, I do seek councelling, it does not really help though, I prefer to cry alone and scream, I get very angry and break things.
I'm now 17 coming up 18 and are slowly getting on with my life, I wish things had been different and he was a normal dad, I will never ever be able to trust him again but i dont hate him, hes my dad.. I seriously need help :(

The following 5 users give hugs of support to: emlking
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Old 03-15-2011, 02:55 PM   #2
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Re: I was abused by my dad

youve been thru so much and been so strong. im so glad your mum made sure your dad was arrested but im sure this is still very hard to adapt to life now. you still love your dad and thats totally understandable altho Im sure very confusing for you . the main thing for you is that you get as much help as you want and need. perhaps a support group in your area for people that have been thru the same thing would be more helpful than one on one counselling. I hope you know none of it is your fault and that you arent to blame.

Youre mum and family probably feel bad too feel guilty too but you are all victims of this abuse. can you talk to your mum? can you talk to friends and perhaps their mums? do you have time when you can still enjoy your teenage years and take part in things you enjoy and can focus on. Im sure it is so hard to forget but with lots of help and support you have every chance of coming out the other side and coping well and living a good life in the future, you deserve to have a loving partner one day and the sort of family life that you never had. Perhaps writing feelings down and making time to talk to people, but also trying to think about your future and allowing yourself to make positive plans about the life you have to live...I wish you lots of happiness...

Old 03-15-2011, 04:49 PM   #3
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Re: I was abused by my dad

Please do seek help. I was molested repeatedly by my brother and never dealt with it until 30+ years later. Take care of the damage now.

Old 03-16-2011, 05:04 AM   #4
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Re: I was abused by my dad

Hi emlking

Your father is a creep. How terrible that any child has that as a truth! But the first step of recovery (as if there is any one step, there isn't) is to realize that someone else's actions are their own and it says NOTHING about YOU, or your value or worth. Gosh, KUDOS to your mom. And KUDOS to YOU!

Of course you are angry, but turn those feelings toward the abuser. Anger is not hate. But it's a real, honest emotion. We can love someone and still hate what they did. It's important to hate evil behavior, in my opinion. You can learn some ways to get the anger out that are not destructive. My therapist told me to get a pile of newspapers and tear them, and say "I am so mad." So I went through the motions a few times, but all of a sudden i was ripping the paper to shreds, screaming and crying and cussing my perp out. Then that blast of emotion died away. I learned that I can get it out, and that it doesn't last forever. This taught me that emotions make us sick when we hold them inside and don't express them. Emotions need to be expressed so we can relax. I also have written many letters. My nasty perps are not alive, but writing them letters, and doing things like ceremonially shredding the letters in the name of throwing away self-blame helped me get my emotions out. There are many other ways to help ourselves heal.

Abusers always try to make their actions all about the other persons, but what they do is really only all about themselves. Abusers are self-centered deceivers and manipulators. It's no one's fault that it happened except your dad's. Don't let your love for your dad confuse you abut hating what he did. He didn't have to do it. He made the choice. I know you must feel helpless. Well that's what children are. Helpless. You were supposed to be protected, but your dad lied to himself and told himself what he felt like doing was OK because he didn't owe you protection and respect. He is a liar, pure and simple.

Every time you look in the mirror, tell yourself the truth. "My dad's behavior is vile and I did nothing to deserve what he did". Eventually, you will be able to see yourself separate from him. You are not like him for hating his behavior. You needed him, and he threw you away like trash. That was a horrible offense against an innocent child. Of course you wanted your dad's attention. But he chose to pervert that innocent child's needs.

I think you are very brave and smart. You have a lot of emotional muck to wade through like many of us, but take your time, you are getting through!

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Old 03-16-2011, 06:53 AM   #5
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emlking HB User
Re: I was abused by my dad

Thankyou so much for your help, reading them has made me smile and I am slowly starting to believe it was not my fault.
My dad writes letters to my mum and she just basically tells him about my sister thats all, he can not have any contact with my sister as she is under 18. My mum wants nothing to do with him and I really do not know what I would have done without her, she has been amazing.
He got 7 years and 4 months for what he did to me yet he is only serving 4 years.. I think it should have been longer.

My sister wants nothing to do with him now, she has realised what he did was wrong and it could have happened to her when she turned 16 so the letters are going to stop.
My dad seems to think that when he is released everything is going to go back to how it was, none of his friends want anything to do with him now, he wrote saying he is going to see us all, he really isnt.

The following 3 users give hugs of support to: emlking
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Old 03-16-2011, 07:27 PM   #6
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Re: I was abused by my dad

I was abused by my step father as a child and like some others didn't tell for more than 30 years......I told a friend who didn't know what to say and my mother who was controlled by my step father also. The truth is always the best. I am so proud of you for being a brave teen and telling the truth. But please get some counseling now (even though you might think you're ok now)....not getting help now might impact future relationships for you. One more thing, please survive your abuse rather than continue to live as a victim.....then you win and he doesn't. (hugs)

Old 03-16-2011, 07:44 PM   #7
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Re: I was abused by my dad

Please...don't ever believe any of this was your fault. Your dad is lucky I ain't his wife, as he would probably never have even made it to jail.

You, your mom and sister are victims but hopefully with counseling and talking about it time will heal. Your very young so don't let this ruin your life as there are many VERY nice people out there and hopefully one day you will find Mr. Right and live a very happy life together.

Can't even imagine what you all went through but when he does get out, everyone should keep their distance from him. I think your a very smart person NOT to hate him, as hatred will only ruin you. It will take time to heal but you seem strong and I know you will get on with your life.

All the very best of wishes to you and your family...JJ.....
When you come to the end of your rope..tie a knot and hang on!
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