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I'm scared

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Old 04-23-2011, 06:59 PM   #1
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Baltimore, MD, USA
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larko HB User
Unhappy I'm scared

I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years and we have lived together ever since. When we met we both liked to drink together and have fun, but now it has gotten worse. There was a time in the past when we were drunk and I slapped him and he choked me. I had a restraining order put on him, but he cried and became depressed I felt bad so I went back to him.

We constantly fight and bicker, and he thinks it is not a big deal. He has anger issues, abuses alcohol, drugs, he is nasty, racist, and has a gambling problem as well. Because of drugs and alcohol he becomes mean, he screams all the time, bangs on the table, and smokes a ton of cigarettes. He might be the worst person EVER. He doesn't yell at ME all the time, he usually yells because of a gambling loss. You would ask, "why are you with him?" and I answer...because I love him, he has a good heart at times, we share interests, and he might have potential.

He wants to do so much with me in life, but we haven't done anything in months besides drink! He drinks everyday and thinks he doesn't have a drinking problem. I am scared to leave. I want to help him. I always think he is going to change, but now I am aware he will not. We are getting married in September, our family and we have spent a lot of money already for the wedding, we even sent out invitations. Now I am scared of him. I lock myself in the bedroom sometimes and he breaks in. After yelling for a while he comes in and tries to hug and kiss me like NOTHING HAPPENED and then asks me WHAT'S WRONG? Help!

I want him to get better he might be sick. He made me become depressed with high anxiety and gives me panic attacks. I even have chest pains. The other day he forced me to drive somewhere at 3am and we got into a bad accident. None of us were seriously injured, but now I need to get better and to stop doing any drugs or drinking because I am grateful for my life.

He seemed to get over the accident quickly, he drank a whole bottle of vodka today and won't stop yelling at the TV (sports). I need a lot of advise, not to leave him (which is obvious) but how he can get better.

My plan is to stop drinking so he has no one to drink with and maybe he will cut down? I don't know.

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Old 04-24-2011, 07:18 AM   #2
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Re: I'm scared

He needs to go to treatment.
Now is your one chance to "save" this high-potentialed, good-hearted person you care about.

Call his parents (I'm assuming they have money and will help, since they're investing in your wedding).
Tell them their son has a severe alcohol and drug problem, and that you're afraid he might not live if they don't help him get into treatment somewhere.
Arrange an intervention: you and his family.

Tell him that the only way you can stay with him is if he goes into treatment. Tell him that this is not because you don't love him, but because you love him so much that you cannot sit by and watch him kill himself.
If he refuses, you must be prepared to leave (he may not accept help until he hits rock bottom, which will be hastened if everyone he cares about abandons him. Just remember, you're doing it for his own good).
Tell him that if he agrees to treatment, you will stand behind him forever, no matter what.

That is the only way to save this person.
You must involve his family. It's too much for you to do alone.
For one thing, they need to make arrangements for a bed in a treatment facility, and have this ready for him before you confront him. As soon as he agrees, you all need to be prepared to take him to the treatment facility, that very day.

So call his parents and tell them whatever you have to in order to make them understand the seriousness of this situation. He is sick, and needs medical and psychological help.
I know that tattling on your loved one and going behind his back talking to people about him doesn't feel right, but in this instance, it is right. It's the only right thing. This is a life or death situation, and this may be the only way to save his life. Just keep reminding yourself of that if you feel guilty.

Best of luck.

Old 04-24-2011, 05:27 PM   #3
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Idaho
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Re: I'm scared

I have talked to shrinks (I won't go to a drug & alcohol counciler) several times. I have been told that they know patients that drink 1/2 of a fifth every day that are not alcoholics. They also have patients that drink one time a year and are alcoholics. If you are on Lexipro you are seeing a Dr. of sorts. I sugest that you have him see the same one you are, for ease. If your on Lexipro 1 beer will act the same as 3 to 4 beers. So if you drink a six pack you will probably be on your face. Got that teeshirt signed. et

Old 04-25-2011, 12:13 PM   #4
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Re: I'm scared


I must say your boyfriend needs to make choices on his own, as do you.

you can only change yourself. If you are waiting for your boyfriend to decide when the time is right, you may be waiting a very long time.

Do what is best for you and then you will have the strength to provide him assistance, if you choose to do so.

Best Wishes.

Last edited by Administrator; 07-30-2011 at 09:37 PM.

Old 04-25-2011, 06:48 PM   #5
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Re: I'm scared

Thing is, you need to take care of yourself , first and foremost. you wrote a lot about the man your going to marry. He has severe problems, and needs help. He can only help himself for all of his addictions. Probably an in patient treatment program. but, he has to admit he has these problems first , and willing to get himself better. Right now, the 2 of you are just feeding the addiction, and living a very chaotic life. Marrying a man that is so unstable because you say you love him. Abuse , addiction are not love. A wedding can be postponed. I beleive both of you need treatment. If he does not want to , then it can't be forced. Take care of yourself, keep safe. Stop making excuses for him.

Old 04-26-2011, 12:10 PM   #6
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Re: I'm scared

Move out. He needs to get help. No one should go into marriage while this is the situation. Money is nothing compared to being with someone who probably won't get better because "you will always be there anyway, so why bother stopping?"
If you open the door even a little bit - the devil will fling it open. Keep it closed with prayer.

Old 07-30-2011, 01:25 PM   #7
Join Date: Jul 2011
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Re: I'm scared

Ok, my experience is, you help yourself 1st. Get your head together and get STRONG. So now you feel good about yourself and in control. Give your mate the choice of joining you or going it alone. If he truly cares for you he will be there or at least try. If he isnt prepared to he isnt committed. Now it gets hard,,,,,,, Are you prepared to tell him to join you when he is, or tell him you are moving on. All the best xxx

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