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Abuse or not? Really need some advise please...

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Old 02-05-2012, 12:48 PM   #1
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Bristol
Posts: 2
littlemisshenni HB User
Abuse or not? Really need some advise please...

I am new to this site and i am posting as now i am so desperate to change the way my life is and i have no idea what to do so hoping for some opinions and maybe advise..

I'll try to explain a complicated situation as short as possible..
Me and my partner have been together for nearly six years and we have two children, five and nearly four. We met at work in a small company where he was the MD and i was the secretary (yes, how original). As soon as we went on a date, he was very serious and said that we were now a couple and after three months he asked me to move in with him as that would be financially benefiting me (i was in my mid twenties and he was fourty and very successful) I also fell pregnant then (but didn't find out till a few weeks later)
I am scandinavian (id been in the UK for two years for 'adventure') and he is British.
Just before my due date with no 1 i started feeling very homesick as i had all my friends and family back home and asked if we could try it but he said No and that i had to take responsibility for my own decisions as we met in London. (he was at this stage unemployed) As we never discussed UK vs Scandi i decided to 'forget' my homesickness and try to make it work in the UK.
From day one he had been very 'protective' of me and says things like 'i want to be looked after' and at first it seemed quite romantic but i always felt a bit overwhelmed with his enthusiasm - he was also very quick to pick up on my insecurities and i felt he picked on me a lot for minor things and god forbid id spill anything etc then id get an earful of his anger..'youre so disorganised', 'you dont look after things well' etc etc..Being a typical scandi girl and very independent i found this very hard and having to live off a man was very hard ( i lost my job when they found out we were dating and pregnant, he also had to leave)

I always told him that he gets too angry too quickly and that he was picking in me too much but i was always told 'i am too sensitive', i am trying to pick a fight with him or he is just trying to help me get thicker skin (referring to my dad being an alcoholic so i MUST be a mess and no wonder so he's being very understanding....i was fiine though till i met him)

He also started being very controlling with money - At first very generous then when i was getting monthly household money (i was in charge of all food and household stuff, clothes for me and kids, my phone bill, childcare, bday presenst etc) and demanded id keep every receipt and even made an excel spreadsheet for me to add all receipts to under different categories and sub catergories and to show him sometimes on a weekly basis and sometimes on a monthly basis. Hed also ask to go through my bank statements so he could see where the money goes..
His excuse is that this is normal in all relationships and that he is just doing it to help me get better with money. Doesnt feel normal though.

Four months after i gave birth, we fell pregnant again and had to move out of London and as my homesickness and isolation was getting worse, i asked him if we could please try scandi (also because i would get a very good paid job there that would make a difference to how we'd work financially as a couple) but he said it was never going to happen. we met in London so i have to stay here. We then moved to the other side of the UK to be closer to his family (still unemployed and living off his savings etc) but as i gave birth to no 2 he started working in another city and was never home. My youngest had lactose intolorance and didn't sleep for the first 4 months (he could be up feeding/screaming for four to five hrs in one go at night) and looking after my 17 month old as well, i was knackered, i didn't make any friends and we never saw his family so i was so unhappy and started getting ill all the time. I had tonsilitis to-three times a month. After a year there we then moved to the city he worked (after another NO about scandi and weekly bad rows about my unhappiness). we did get to know some nice neighbour and i did join mum groups etc but still felt numb with tiredness and unhappiness so even if i made an effort to make it work, my heart would always tell me this isn't right.. He lost his job there and has been unemployed since (two years) and i still ask about scandi and one of my arguments is that when he has got no job, hes got nothinkg to lose but i am just being selfish, greedy and all sorts.

I ahve no problmes understanding how hard it must be to be the only breadwinner but this is why id like to try scabdi as i would ahve a significnt salary and he wouldmnt be on his in the UK it won't even cover the childcare and my hrs would be long + we have no support network (he is a typical London businessman so he would never 'lower' his standard)

Whenever we argue, i am always called names that i cannot mention here that are not just ugly, horrible names but also shows that he has some bitterness towards me for a reason that is beyond me. I will be called a ..... freeloader for example as i have the guts to take household money off him every month.
The names can go on and on...

After 18 bouts of tonsilits in 10 months and countless rows i decided id had enough and told him im leaving - Then he just went mad and said i could ****** off, he doesnt care but no chance od take the children ith me...i went out for a couole of hrs to calm down and when i came back, hed gone out and taken me and our childrens passports fom my wardrobe and sent them off to his mother...
I have begged him to go to couples counselling for four years but he has always said not needed as we dont have problems..anyway, he now agreed to it..couple of days after this i got ill again but this time my temp went up seriously high and (like always) id be lying on the floor feeding the children as too ill to stand up..even if he is unemployed (hed be in his study looking for work for ten hrs a day so too busy to help)...anyway, he always gets really annoyed when im ill and this time i told him somethings not right and i think im going to faint..he just called me a hypocodriac, slammed the door and left me to bath the children...two hrs later i was taken away in an ambulance and kept in hospital for two weeks with pneumonia and kidney infection

Couples counselling has not done any good and she picked up on emotional abuse and financial control but i still felt it was minimized..anyway, she referred me to a groups session and i go on a weekly basis (in secret) which i find very helpful..although i am struggling to think of this as abuse o do definately think this is not how a relationship should be like...I am desperate to leave him but he will just tell me how selfish i am for ripping the family to pieces and for not thinking of our children ( i feel that is what i am doing though as i dont think they will be benefiting from a relationship like this) and how ungrateful i am etc etc..

Sorry, this is sooo just felt good to get it out without actually talking to someone...

Ple, if you have any advise, opinions or anything to share regarding this..please do so. i am at my witts end and have noone else to talk to..

(Ps: he also proposed 5 months in to the relationship and said he wanted to get married soon...still waiting..not that i want it now though)

Thank you!

Last edited by littlemisshenni; 02-06-2012 at 06:18 AM. Reason: Didnt censor the words names he calls me..

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Old 02-06-2012, 07:36 AM   #2
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: East Yorkshire, England
Posts: 7
Flounder1987 HB User
Re: Abuse or not? Really need some advise please...

Hi littlemisshenni,

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, and well done for writing it on here. I joined recently myself and wrote a post about what attracted me to this board, and so I can appreciate how difficult yet exhilerating finally telling someone must have been.

The best that I can suggest is getting an agency involved. I'm uncertain what exactly would happen, and whether they would discourage you from returning home - from your post your partner seems a complete plank, but there's no mention of any improper behaviour towards the children and so there would undoubtedly be a custody battle and then an access hearing for the parent who would live without the custody. It may be easier for you to stay in this country in order for that to work.

However, I do think that someone needs to get involved to help you to leave this 'man'. I think we're all guilty of playing down certain behaviours in new partners and attempting to get used to them, but when we look back we realise it just wasn't right. It sounds like you need some help leaving him in a way that would allow you to keep contact with (or custody of) your sons. However, I do think from what you have written, that everyone may well be better if you were apart. Life is to be enjoyed and love is to be embraced - neither should be feared! Best of luck, and keep your chin up. I'm certain that all will work out well for you

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littlemisshenni (02-09-2012)
Old 02-09-2012, 03:52 AM   #3
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: aus
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Re: Abuse or not? Really need some advise please...

missheni, I feel so bad for you after reading your story. Your partner though is a control freak and the things you described are not normal because a marriage should be a partnership but he is taking a domineering role. I suspect it's easier for him to do this since you don't have any family in the country either and no where to turn for support. I think the best thing you can do is leave him and file for divorce, he can't take your kids away from you but his constant control and verbal abuse could work in your favour when it comes to the divorce, depending on the divorce laws of your country. Do you have access to all bank accounts? If you can't leave now then you need to start putting some money away secretly to set up on your own and leave and there may be abuse groups who can help you get your head around what to do.

He won't change, he is just a bully and is making you miserable but you have rights! and it doesn't matter what he threatens you with, because the courts will decide things like custody, at best he may get shared custody but he wouldn't get full custody of the kids unless he can prove you are abusive to them etc. You would usually also be entitled to 50% of the property etc that was acquired during the marriage. good luck to you, and it's time to walk away and not let this bully make your life miserable anymore. Divorces can get nasty when one person starts losing control but be strong and stand your ground and make sure you get everything you are entitled to.

Old 02-15-2012, 05:12 PM   #4
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Re: Abuse or not? Really need some advise please...

You have a verbally abusive control freak on your hands. He will not change unless he goes to counciling.

I hope you can get enough money saved so you can take your kids and go back to Scandi.

Can you get new passports without him knowing? save money for them.

(((Big Hugs))) and I wish the very best for you.


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emotional abuse, unhappy lonely depressed

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