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topazscorpian 03-18-2012 03:22 PM

Repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse surfacing
For a very long time I have suffered with feelings of emptiness, loneliness, self-hatred etc which have pushed me to experiment with eating disorders, I cut myself for a short period, abused alcohol but stopped eventually because I knew it was bad for me. I've never fully understood why I felt so depressed and anxious at times and my therapist seemed not to fully understand what was the cause; there were things such as bullying at school and an emotionally abusive/sometimes verbally abusive father but none of these things were really bad enough to make me feel so awful.

My therapist said I seemed well enough to leave therapy after a year and 7 months later bad feelings started to come back, seemingly, for no reason. But 2 weeks ago I got drunk round my friends house celebrating some as level exam results and I got back some memories of sexual abuse occurring when I was about 3 years old which I talked to a trusted friend about at the party. Basically, I remembered being molested by my 12/13 ish year old neighbour who was like a brother to me and I adored him, I wondered if I had just imagined it but there are to many memories not connected to him that hint I may have been abused -

<no details please>

I think it still affects me to this day (e.g the fact I'm 17 and have never had my first kiss, think all boyfriends would only ever abuse me, rape me, cheat on me, think I'm repulsive etc).

Since the moment I got back some of the memories of sexual abuse I feel so angry, sad, like there is a huge void in my life, I can't concentrate at school now because of remembering, now seeing couples hold hands and kiss or even just seeing couples kills me inside, or people just talking about relationships hurts, I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, feel abnormal and utterly depressed at times. I feel so lost and alone, I don't know anyone who's been through this.

The worst thing for me though, is the fact my therapist says that what that boy did to me was awful and monsterous but when I talk about the feelings it has caused me to feel now she shrugs them off!!! Like I should just get over it, believe I wish I could but I can't, it's like she's sort of ignoring it because she doesn't want to deal with it with me.

I don't have any questions I just want to hear about how other people have dealt with this, how you got thorough it if you have, I just feel so confused and mixed up right now.

Phoenix 03-24-2012 06:43 PM

Re: Repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse surfacing
Hello topazscorpion,

Welcome;you've come to the right place.

Here you can feel free to vent,receive advice and/or support,within a setting that is non-judgemental.

We understand the nature of abuse because we have been subject to it ourselves.
When and/or I say I feel your pain,you can rest assure that the statement is genuine and not simply some template material.

Please post more,if you are up to it;you're among friends here.


fallenangels88 03-27-2012 09:29 PM

Re: Repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse surfacing
I suffer from the same exact thing and I still have trouble dealing with it and where I have a sexual relationship I have really bad aniexty where I sit up at night turning lights on checking under beds locking windows feeling so unsafe in my own home is the worse feeling to have. Im sorry that you was abused as young as three there are really sick people out there.

Arianna2 03-30-2012 01:04 PM

Re: Repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse surfacing
It is amazing how many of us are out there. I never really realized the scope of it all until I joined this Message Board. And hearing others and just knowing I was not alone helps alot. I am sorry you have to go through this, and hope you get some relief from your struggles.

Ive been abused a few different times, but they were repressed for many years. When it all came to the surface I was astonished to see how it had made an impact on my life (lack of friends, no social contact, unhappiness etc) My therapist on the other hand didnt make light of how I felt NOW.. Maybe a new therapist for you?

You are not alone... huggs

PainMgt 04-26-2012 02:27 AM

Re: Repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse surfacing
Sounds like its time for a new therapist. Not everybody with a paper diploma in a picture frame hanging on their wall is cut out to be counselor/therapist/psychologist. After reading your first post, kinda sounds like something that happened to me when I was that age except it was an older neighbor girl that took advantage of me. As well as some babysitter's houses that I had to spend the night at.

That was many, many years ago. I don't like to think or talk about it, but that's just me and who I am. In fact I have never told anyone except my mom right after she picked me up from the babysitter the next morning that one and only time. So where am I going with this? I moved on with my life. I had several girlfriends and other than that neighbor girl episode. I was a virgin when I met/married my wife. Don't know what advise to offer you. Sounds like you are young, and have your life ahead of you. Don't be afraid of making new loving relationships, for the most part there is some one out there maybe two, three or four, meant to be with you, you just have to reach out and find them. You've heard about the 10% right? The ones that make everybody else look bad. The rapists, child molesters, thief's, etc..

A friend of mine sometimes says "Just live with the cards that are dealt to you," or something like that anyway. Which is something to ponder. The past is done with, time to live in the present, and plan for the future. If talking to somebody about your past helps you feel better about your present then so be it, but find someone that your words don't fall on deaf ears. Get treated and move on.

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