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  • My sisters bully me and i cant cope!

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    Old 09-11-2012, 09:13 AM   #1
    hazel680
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    My sisters bully me and i cant cope!

    Hi i have never posted here before but have a have a big problem and its depressing me! I am the youngest of 3 sisters and for most of my life my sisters have been very mean to me! I am over 30 now and am the only person to go to college in my family and try very hard to be a good person but my family are dragging me down and I cant cope!

    First of all my eldest sister left her kids when I was 17, I moved in with her ex husband to help look after them and now she has some relationship with them she hates me and abuses me any chance she gets! Her eldest daughter who I would of given a kidney to is also passive aggressive aggressive towards me for no reason

    My other sister has constantly been at me all my life! when I was a child and friends would call she would say "What do you hang around with her for "? and steal anything i had and hide it

    She turned out to be an alchoholic and was in a very destructive relationship I used to go to her house to find her on the floor only to pick her up and get mmore abuse!

    An example of her bahaviour is one night she rang me in the middle of the night to go get her ..i got out of bed with my partner went to her to find her drunk asking for a lift up the country .. when I said no (she would not tell me why she had to go_ she called me ugly fat etc (my boyf had also never met her before so it was very embarrasing) anyway i found out she was trying to run away from her boyf to meet some junkie she had met in rehab!

    Now she is in a new relationship and recently I paid for some decorating in my elderly parents house -and she asked me if her new boyf could do it as he has no work so I agreed - and he ripped me off big time! and did not finish the work - when I confronted her she went nuts and accused me of having 5 abortion s and said she would tell my new partner this ! I did nt by the way ! but she was just throwing abuse at me as usual !!
    I completely cut her off after this and then she text me looking for a money .. when I said its a bit unfair to ask me for money after everything she said she did nt want to discuss that and when I said no she said i shoud be kicked around the place and said shed tell my boyf stories about me !

    Anyway I have cut all contact with the two of them but it hurs me that I have no sisters ! When I see friends having support etc with their family it really hurts that I will never have that.!
    Every x mas I stay at home with my parents all day and they just come in for half an hour and leave! this year I have told them in advance I wont be home for x mas and they should decide who stays at home and none of them will!

    I dont want to leave my parents at home on their own yet I cant stay there with them and eat dinner with these people !! the thing is no one knows what they do to me and at any family gathering s i always look like the grumpy cow cos i dont talk to them and simply feel uncomfortable
    I cant cope anymore - sorry for the essay any advise would be greatly appreciated !!!!

     
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    Old 09-17-2012, 02:44 PM   #2
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    Re: My sisters bully me and i cant cope!

    Any advise would be greatly appreciated???

     
    Old 09-18-2012, 09:33 AM   #3
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    Re: My sisters bully me and i cant cope!

    I'm so sorry you are being bullied by your two sisters. You are 30 years old and don't have to be the victim anymore. They sound very toxic to your well-being so I would visit your parents before Christmas and before any holiday since you know you sisters may be there and try to be all you can be for your parents who will need you in the future. I hope you can share your hurt feelings with a therapist or a good friend and don't hold onto anger towards them. That would give them more power and control over you. You don't need them in your life even if they are your sisters. I don't have any siblings but I wouldn't tolerate that kind of behavior from anyone. Do you have close friends?

    Best wishes and please set boundaries and be strong and don't let them manipulate and control you anymore. They are not trustworthy and need help themselves. They sound like users and those people will use others to get their way.

     
    Old 09-22-2012, 01:31 PM   #4
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    Re: My sisters bully me and i cant cope!

    Wow. Take your story, only be the oldest sister, and you have me. When I started saying, "No," to them, instead of cleaning up every mess they made in their lives, I was "evil," "possessed," - even "brainwashed." It's been very hard, and I would have done things a little differently than I did, to whit:

    I moved and refused even to talk to them. I was tired of being yelled at, accused, coerced, you name it. I even had to call the police to get them out of my driveway once, because they were yelling at and threatening me (locked inside the house).

    I've now learned that one can lovingly detach, instead of amputate. I'm not completely sure of all the moves, because by the time I heard of it, surgery was complete. I was really disgusted with all of us - Me, for taking it for so long, but still missing them, them, for never taking stock, then responsibility. I blamed all of us.

    I think if I had moved away, but kept talking to them, they would not have traveled to coerce money out of me, and I could have always refused over the phone. "...I'm sorry, but I don't have it." I could have let their calls go to voice mail. Moving was the best thing I ever did, but since that time, one of them managed to pass away - smoked pot everyday, died of lung cancer. The other one is a boozer, and there's no telling what state she is in.

    Having no family during the holidays is an adjustment. I'm free to do whatever I want, and I have met friends who treat me more like family than my "family" ever did. I think the hardest part was losing my delusions of grandeur. When I was the go-to, get-it-done, problem-solving, money-bags "good girl" of the family, I was also their queen. They always "knew" I had the best of intentions, and would listen avidly to my advice, forgive and lovingly joke about my foibles. I could do no wrong.

    ERNG.

    As it turns out, I'm human, screw up all the time, and have a full range of emotions, especially those I would like to consign to the devil, but must instead take responsibility for allowing my thinking to get out of balance. Every day, I learn something new about myself - and it turns out that I am not nearly as picky as I thought I was. It was mostly defensive, to keep them from ruining what life they left me.

    It sounds like you have hit a limit. Not going to be with your parents for one year is not their whole lives. You can still talk to them, write to them, and maybe make your stay one week earlier or one week later. You can let your parents know that you will never leave them alone, even if your timing has to be a little different to make it easier on the whole family, to reduce fighting and arguing. You would like to enjoy their company on your own, without worrying that a melee will break out. Take them out to dinner, or bring them to your home.

    Let them know you are still their daughter, and maybe later when your emotions have leveled off, you can still all get together as a family, and that you still love your sisters. You just need a break.

    If a sister shows up during a visit, and you feel like you are going to explode, just go to the store or coffee shop for a break, instead. Come back with some bagels or something. Meet up with some old friends.

    I hope you think of a solution that will work for all of you.

    Be peaceful, be well.

     
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    Old 09-24-2012, 04:07 AM   #5
    hazel680
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    Re: My sisters bully me and i cant cope!

    thank you for your reply... yes i do have friends... but at the end of the day it s suppossed to be family that are important.... they are for life... i suppose ive accepted ill never have that .... and know once im not involved with them they cant hurt me... thank youx x x

     
    Old 09-25-2012, 11:30 PM   #6
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    Re: My sisters bully me and i cant cope!

    My sister is also abusive but you know what I have realised, I have taught her to, I have taught her that it is ok to treat me like that, like AverageUser I was the go-to, problem-solver, good girl who got on to get along BUT what I didn't realise was that while I was trying not to hurt her (because I could see and relate to her pain) I was letting her hurt me. I would try to solve her problems, all the while she would be abusive to me and I would still try and help, so I taught her that no matter how bad she treated me I would still try to help her.

    That is one part of it, the other is that they don't learn to do for them self what they know you will do if they tantrum loud enough. By helping them out all the time we have made them dependent on us and they get angry when we refuse to deliver because that is what has always worked. They do not know that they can do it for them self..

    I have this relationship with my mother and my sister, my mother made it my roll in our family, I find it very hard not to play that roll.

    Like AverageUser I have tried to amputate my sister from my life and I can tell you that it does not go down very well at all, because we have always been in the pattern of she gets what she wants when she screams loud enough, so if you try to amputate, tell them to leave you alone, that you do not want to see them then they escalate and become more aggressive and abusive because that is what has always worked in the past, has gotten them what they wanted, SO what I suggest you do when they call is be nice, and when you want to get off the phone say you have a Dr's appointment so you have to go, or some one has just knocked on the door, or sorry but I have to go pick up my kids, or I was just about to go out the door, or I am meeting someone I cant' talk, I can't talk now, I'm cooking... I think you get my drift.

    I did this with my sister not that long ago, she did get a bit upset, but when she cried and screamed and yelled what a horrible person I was and said that I had hung up on her (witch I had not) to the rest of the family, I said again I could not talk because I was cooking! and I had not hung up on her! They reasoned that she was drunk and her tantrum fell on deaf ears. They can not fight it when there is nothing to fight, when you are not saying no.

    I guess like everything, you will need to practice because the first time will never be perfect.

    I have also though that if I find myself in a position were in the future I feel I can not get out of seeing her I would only meet her in a public place, ask her "were are you?" "thats funny because I am going to be right near there, how about we meet at ... for a coffee at this time"... Then when she starts to become abusive, "oh look at the time, I have a Dr's appointment, I have to go". Don't wait for her to say ok or bye, see you or anything because she will not, and by doing so you are inadvertently asking her for her approval, witch you will not get, that go's for if and when she calls you as well.

    I know it is hard to do this, it feels like your losing a sister, but really they were probably never there for you anyway. It is more likely you are having to let the fantasy of what sister is to you go, the hope of what it could be and the dream of what you want it to be or should be, it is the loss of what we have wanted it to be. I am at the same point, I started to think about our relationship, what it has been like, how she has treated me, and started to realise that she has never been a sister to me. It hurts to let go of trying to make it work and her happy but she can only make herself happy, it can also make you really angry when you realise how bad they have treated you and you let them treat you.

    Sisters love and respect you, they treat you with dignity, they support you and they can be your best friend and not your sibling.

    I wish you all the best
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    Old 09-26-2012, 05:31 AM   #7
    hazel680
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    Re: My sisters bully me and i cant cope!

    Hi thanks a million for your reply
    I have had no contact with them now for a while and am feeling better
    I cant stand the thought of my parents being there for x mas day on their own (my sisters will pop in in the morn) so it looks like i will have to go home to avoid that!!
    anyway it s nice to hear that someone else understands... sometimes i wonder what will i do if i get married .. what is the the point in having them at my wedding.. and then if there not alot of questions will be asked and my parents would feel awkward....
    as they say you can choose your friends but not your family!!!
    I know no family is perfect but there is a cancer eating away between me and my sisters it s horrible and it doesnt bother them at all!!
    Thanks for your advise xxx

     
    Old 09-26-2012, 07:36 AM   #8
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    Re: My sisters bully me and i cant cope!

    I don't have any sisters but I've had friends that have manipulated and used me in many ways and I let them because I was afraid to confront them but when I did have enough and confront them they became very angry at me and were mean and hateful. It is interesting when you do something for someone and they are happy that they don't care how you feel about it until you stop and say no or you can't do this or that. I think this behavior I have and am working on is people pleaser and also enabling. People don't respect people who do everything for them and they get mad when you don't do it for them. When you set boundaries and say no or you are unavailable to their abuse and toxic behavior then they may or may not respect you later on in life. Some people are users and all they do in life is manipulate and only think about themselves. Some are abusers of drugs, sex or alcohol and they really don't care how they treat others. I think that as I have learned to grieve the things I wish people were in my life like a loving and compassionate father and wish people were honest with their feelings and actions, that I am not as disappointed with what others do and I am only responsible for how I treat or act towards others. It is hard to change your behaviors but it will bring emotional healing into your lives and their are other people who will treat you better than your own blood family. Best wishes and I'm glad you could separate from those people who disrespected you.

     
    Old 09-26-2012, 09:33 AM   #9
    hazel680
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    Re: My sisters bully me and i cant cope!

    Hi
    Thank you for your reply
    it looks like youve learned to deal with your sister assertively.. good for you!
    I dont have any problems with my sisters calling me because they will only do that when they want something! The middle sister is a new relationship (after her last disastrous one) and as I gave out about him ripping me off when I gave him some work she does nt want to know me !! untill she needs something again !!!
    Again ya i suppose the best thing to do is accept that the "fantasy" of having a healthy relationsip with my sisters is simply just a fantasy it does hurt tho....
    I even asked my father to take me out of his will because it s the last thing linking me to them
    I suppose we set the patterns by letting then abuse us by being there for them and they cant handle it when the "roles" change...
    I do often wonder why my family is so dyfunctional when my parents really are good people ....

     
    Old 09-26-2012, 02:46 PM   #10
    hazel680
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    Re: My sisters bully me and i cant cope!

    Im so sorry
    just read your post again i didnt realise one of your sisters had passed away
    anyway your very brave and you r right to live your own life and be happy and not to carry the burdens of your family.. god knows we get no medals for it!!!

     
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