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Verbal Abuse advice

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Old 03-04-2013, 02:53 AM   #1
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CDW10 HB User
Unhappy Verbal Abuse advice

Hi this is my first post and I could really use some advice.

To keep a very long story short, the person I love deeply has recently ended our relationship because I'm verbally abusive.

The instances they are referring to have happened twice during our relationship. They happened when they acted very wrong with me and I lost my temper at the fact that they wouldn't apologize at the time and were not willing to discuss it further. It consisted of me yelling and saying things like I can't believe you could be so disrespectful to me, your are victimizing yourself. those are the main things I said and repeated during my yelling that they bring up. I did not call them names I was yelling at them for treating me poorly and not owning up to it. One example was I lost my temper when my significant other pointed at me and said the heck with you and then followed shortly with "I'm done, I'm breaking up with you." Over a small argument. which they eventually agreed was completely out of line, yet did not feel like giving a heartfelt apology. This is not an excuse for how I reacted, it was wrong and I should have dropped it when they wanted to and revisited it in the morning when we both had cooled down. Both instances I apologized deeply and said I will work on it never happening again. I was told the first time that if it did again we would be over because it is verbal abuse. My issue is that Jamie (my significant other) is verbally abusive as well, atleast I feel anyway. but they do not agree. Jamie likes when I put my exes down to them and tell them how much better they are. Sometime while I'm saying something negative about an ex to her, they will take it as a positive and get upset. It was obviously not my intention to do this in fact it was the exact opposite. Jamie's response is to then say somthing back to me with the intention of hurting me. For example, Jamie once said "well my ex slept with over 20 people" I said "ok... well im not sure why you find that cool, wouldn't that mean they're more prone to infections? And I recieved the response, "Yea well it means they have a lot more skill" This was said very nastily after I had answered a question posed about an ex that rubbed Jamie the wrong way, when my intention was to do the opposite. Jamie thinks this isn't nearly as big a deal as what I have done and thus is only willing to focus on my fault. I told Jamie, I'm not saying their the same, what I do very well could be worse, but the point is you too are verbally abusive to me and it has to stop. Because I am not willing to end the relationship over this they feel it is not the same and not that bad. I told jamie I wouldn't end the relationship because you admit its wrong and I know you will work on it and thats most important to me. I know I have been wrong and I've been verbally abusive. I just need some outside advice on this whole ordeal.

Last edited by mod85; 03-04-2013 at 10:36 AM.

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Phoenix (03-10-2013)
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Old 03-10-2013, 08:00 AM   #2
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Re: Verbal Abuse advice

Hello CDW10 and welcome.

Have you considered anger management classes.

While we can't control what comes out another persons mouth,nor their actions,we can control the way we respond to the particular situation.


When in doubt, post it out.

Old 03-10-2013, 10:23 AM   #3
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Re: Verbal Abuse advice

While I do not feel that what you described is verbal abuse, Phoenix is right about anger management. You need to control your reactions to having your buttons pushed. Take a deep breath, and paraphrase the statement back to her. Actually your gf sounds more verbally abusive (it does not have to be yelled to be abuse). Are you generally quick to anger, or is it ONLY when things like this are said to you? Find some books on anger and conflict resolution skills and work on it. Sera

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