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30 years of Marriage and Verbal Abuse

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Old 04-28-2013, 10:08 AM   #1
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Virginia, US
Posts: 2
inva HB User
Unhappy 30 years of Marriage and Verbal Abuse

Hi all,
First, I feel a little guilty posting about this like maybe I'm just a whiner, because he's never physically hurt me, and the verbal abuse is not THAT bad and I know a lot of you have much more serious problems, but.... after 30 years of marriage to a man with anger issues I'm ready to leave. Yet for some reason, I can't bring myself to do it. Why? Because he's always sorry and apologizes! I know abusers do that, but he seems so sincere. I can't figure out if his behavior justifies me leaving him and tearing up the family. I'm 50 and he's 52 and our daughter is 10. It's like that song by REO Speedwagon "I make you laugh, you make me cry, I believe it's time for me to fly".... We have a lot of yelling and criticism going on around here, usually initiated by him (in the words of my daughter "things were fun until daddy got home") I'm easy going and he's very harsh, he's prior military and has a lot of control issues. He's super critical of things and has developed some OCD and germaphobe stuff lately, and yes we are in marriage counseling and I'm in individual counseling. I have a great job and can afford to move out tomorrow! I have no real roadblocks to leaving except that he says he loves me SO much and wants this to work. So... I don't leave. I don't want to hurt him for what most would consider "mild verbal abuse", like telling me my ideas are stupid, not understanding me, road rage and being rude to others, making my daughter cry by being too harsh on her - but no physical stuff. I think he gaslights too. Has anybody been so miserable yet doesn't take the next step? I'm just hoping somebody can relate so I won't feel so alone. Thanks for listening.

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Old 04-30-2013, 12:08 PM   #2
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Location: las vegas nevada USA
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Re: 30 years of Marriage and Verbal Abuse

Hi, I am sorry for your situation as I know how it feels because I left a verbally abusive wife years ago. There is no such thing as mild verbal abuse, it's like being mildly pregnant. Verbal abuse is cumulative in nature as the perpetrator is out to destroy the psyche of the victim through manipulation, control and guilt so he feels more in control of you.If you leave he will beg, cry, make false promises and try to use every trick in the book to make you stay......Will you be ready to handle this without folding? I know it will be difficult so you have to remain a rock with your decision and the consequences as related to his reaction.Is your daughter ok with the new arrangement?.....I have a feeling she would be happier living with just you, There is no excuse making a ten year old cry with verbal abuse,by a parent and all the apologies in the world do not even come close to justifying that. \As you can by now tell I am in favor of you moving out as I think you and your daughter can live a happy life together without this unpredictable abusive man All the best to you and your daughter.......

Old 05-04-2013, 09:03 PM   #3
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: USA
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marie72 HB User
Re: 30 years of Marriage and Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse can be very hard to deal with. It is insidious and will chip away at your self esteem. It can also affect your daughter and how she views herself. The fact that you daughter feels that way about her daddy is not a good thing. Is he aware that she feels that way? Was he always this way or is he becoming worse with his control and anger? Does he have mood swings or is he consistently bullying?

Old 05-06-2013, 11:26 PM   #4
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 176
marie72 HB User
Re: 30 years of Marriage and Verbal Abuse

Sorry you are going through this. I tried posting on this 3 separate times since last week but none of my posts are here. So all I can say is whichever choice you make please be aware that you daughter will be alone with him during visitations. So if you do not feel comfortable with that you may need to make sure your daughter is protected.

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