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  • is this emotional abuse?

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    Old 05-28-2013, 01:19 PM   #1
    Dolly13
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    is this emotional abuse?

    I have been dating my boyfriend 2 years long distance since he is in the military and was stationed far from me. We now live together. There were things he did that caught my attention early on, but I dismissed because he was smart, sweet, shared the same interests, and seemed to have good intentions long-term. For example, getting upset if i didnt answer his calls, calling me back to back, and sending me msgs like "you are too busy you cant answer" or "what are you doing that you cant answer." He would get upset if the calls dropped a lot particularly in the american eagle fitting room in my hometown mall. He got mad once because I didnt have phone numbers saved on my new phone and said "you shouldnt be messing with someone else." This didnt occur ALL the time, but when they did, it gave me a feeling that I had to never miss his call and be close to the phone like if I was "warned." Now I live with him and I'm happy that he takes care of me financially and he always has fun plans for dates and he tells me I love you all the time. However, there has been several instances that have brought me to believe that he is hurting me emotionally. The other day his text msgs on his iphone didnt show the name so I got suspicious and went to lay down. He went to the room and took the blankets off me aggressively and raised his voice insisting that I tell him what was wrong.. Then some other time, I told him to turn his phone off at night simply because it woke me up and he said "you dont even know dont say anything. it was an email." I was walking to the restroom so he called me a "dumb squat and said it was because I walked away. Of course, i was crushed as i cooked him breakfast. He picked at it and told me to get over it. He always rushes me so the other day i told him "hurry up" 5x as he was showering and he said "shut up. i dont take as long as you. Keep talking your stuff." Then once i said he wasnt being a good parter because in the mall he rushes me and he said my ex bfs weren't good partners either. I said "they were, trust me." he furiously said "shut up dont compare me." I understand he got mad, but his choice of words are Bad! i dont like bad words being said to me but when i tell him it hurts me, he always says something to suggest that it was my fault "you were acting dumb" "you were comparing me" "you were walking away from me." Now, I feel like if he hurts me, i just have to keep it to myself and just hope he doesnt blow up. I told him to have more patience while driving and he said "i hate stupid drivers. I dont not like them, i hate them." He challenges me and always thinks he is right. I don't like shopping with him anymore. I dont even tell him anything about his driving. I just let him be. But i wish he was more patient. He always buys groceries and worries about what im going to eat. He accomodates me at home always making sure im ok. I want him to be my best friend, since I left my family and friends to come live with him in a different state.

    Last edited by mod85; 05-28-2013 at 04:56 PM.

     
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    Old 05-28-2013, 11:27 PM   #2
    Budgiegirl
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    Re: is this emotional abuse?

    You essentially have answered your own question --- YES he's abusing you. Right now it's emotional and verbal, but the threat has been demonstrated to you that it could be physical any minute, as when he 'aggressively' yanked the blankets off you. You are already in danger. In fact, the minute you moved to be with him you placed yourself at his mercy. These type of people work like this -- you are isolated, no friends or family, and he makes sure you don't make any new contacts. You are subject to his opinions, his edicts, his commands. Your self-worth will continue to take a hit until you will wonder how you ever did anything on your own.

    Before you have a child with him, do yourself a favour and get away. You are not being treated as an equal and things will get worse. Men (and women) like this have almost a formula whereby they create the kind of partner they want, and he is exhibiting all classic signs. Unless you want to acquiesce your right to being treated as an equal partner, surrender your individuality, and live as a second-class citizen, then please leave, or at least move out to get your own space.

    Good luck.

     
    Old 05-28-2013, 11:40 PM   #3
    Budgiegirl
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    Re: is this emotional abuse?

    I've been having a heck of a time posting replies, but I'll try again.

    Yes, it is emotional abuse and it is going to escalate to physical. That much you have picked up on yourself, as you said he 'aggressively' yanked the blankets off you.

    He has you where he needs you -- no friends, no family, no new contacts -- you are subject to him alone. He controls your world and unless you want to abdicate your right to a life of your own, unless you want to spend your days as a second-class citizen, then please leave -- or at least move out. The only way this would be worse is if you had a child with him. Before things escalate and your options narrow further, please get out. He won't change. This type of person never does and they never lack for available victims.

    Good luck.

     
    Old 05-31-2013, 03:00 AM   #4
    cetiya
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    Re: is this emotional abuse?

    this relationship sounds like a nightmare. you need to tell yourself that being in no relationship is better than being in a bad one. i'd rather be alone than be miserable. if youre scared then you need to do whatever it takes to be independent. you need an emotionally healthy relationship and this doesnt sound like one to me.
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    Old 06-01-2013, 07:15 AM   #5
    lenvegas
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    Re: is this emotional abuse?

    Hi, if he curses at you, hurts your feelings and has you living in fear for not answering the phone, yes this is definately emotional abuse and it trumps everything good he does for you. He is wound too tight and it is doubtful he will ever change so you need to have a back up plan to leave if circumstances warrant. Do not ever think you are partly to blame because you are nor it is the fact he is trying to control all of the aspects of your life. In a healthy relationship people do not treat their partners the way he treats you and even if he is a good man 90% of the time the other bad 10% is a deal breaker. Sincerely.......lenvegas

     
    Old 06-01-2013, 11:33 AM   #6
    lenvegas
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    Re: is this emotional abuse?

    Hi Dolly, yes it is abuse because he is hurting your feelings, cursing at you and filling you with fear if you do not answer his calls. He is doing this as a way to completely control you and I am afraid it will slowly escalate in the future. Even if he is 90% good and 10% bad it is still not worth being emotionally abused some of the time. I know how these things work........if you ever left him he will beg, plead and promise that things will be better and when you take him back he will be doing the same bad things within a month. You could have a back up plan to leave him if he becomes any more intolerable but as I inferred, once you leave him do not go back.......Take care.

     
    Old 06-03-2013, 03:03 PM   #7
    Jo-chan
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    Re: is this emotional abuse?

    The short answer is YES, this is emotional abuse. I know because I've had ten years of firsthand experience with it.

    I know you feel secure in this relationship, but I strongly suggest you end it now and get away from this guy. Don't try to work it out. Don't try to stay friends. Eliminate all contact and try to move on with your life. Don't let this guy take up any more of your time OR take away any more of your self worth because you are better than that and you don't deserve the kind of hateful treatment he has been giving you.

    Check out this article when you have time. It was a real eye opener for me:

    http://www.sheknows.com/health-and-wellness/articles/970741/what-is-emotional-abuse

     
    Old 06-03-2013, 03:07 PM   #8
    Jo-chan
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    Re: is this emotional abuse?

    The short answer is YES, this is emotional abuse. I know because I've had firsthand experience with it over the last ten years.

    I know you feel secure in this relationship, but I strongly suggest you end it now and move on with your life. Don't try to work it out. Don't try to stay friends. You don't deserve the hateful treatment this guy has inflicted on you and you need to get away from him.

    Last edited by Administrator; 06-03-2013 at 03:21 PM.

     
    Old 06-03-2013, 07:34 PM   #9
    Jo-chan
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    Re: is this emotional abuse?

    The short answer is YES, this is emotional abuse and I speak from experience. I know you feel secure in this relationship, but I strongly suggest you end it now and cut all ties with this guy if possible. This kind of emotional torture will not get better with time; only worse, and you can't change him. He loves having control over you and will make up new "rules" to keep you constantly trying to please him (which is impossible) and he will continue to blame you for his problems. He will make you start to feel like you're losing your mind, if he hasn't already, but remember that you're the normal one here.

     
    Old 08-08-2013, 08:42 PM   #10
    Chowchow
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    Re: is this emotional abuse?

    Yes. It is. Get out.

     
    Old 09-17-2013, 12:53 AM   #11
    Myliehoods
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    Re: is this emotional abuse?

    It sure is abuse. And will get worse. Get out now.

     
    Old 01-02-2014, 08:39 AM   #12
    secretme0402
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    Re: is this emotional abuse?

    YES YES YES! This is absolutely emotional/verbal abuse.

    Honey - coming from a woman who has been in this for many many years, RUN NOW! Do NOT have children with this man! I did, because I was "fooled" by the early years (oh, he had a bad day...he has financial pressures...if I love him enough, it will go away). It never goes away. It only gets worse. You deserve so much more. You deserve a man that respects you, and treats you with love and respect. I've seen my self esteem whittle away. You will find the right man, you will. You just need to be a WHOLE person before you do. Take care of yourself, and the right man will come. Don't settle for anything less!!!

     
    Old 01-12-2014, 04:52 PM   #13
    JanieBB
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    Re: is this emotional abuse?

    YES! Get out of this relationship NOW! He will only get worse, believe me. I've been there. We went to counseling, he went to counseling.....It never got better.
    Honey, get out NOW. Pease don't have kids. It will tie you to him forever. It's bad now. It gets worse after you marry. They will promise you the world to keep you....but they never, ever change.
    You deserve better. It's good you noticed this before marriage and kids. Get out now while you can.

     
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