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I Have Always Felt Uncomfortable Around My Dad, Is This Serious?


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Old 08-06-2013, 01:37 PM   #1
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I Have Always Felt Uncomfortable Around My Dad, Is This Serious?

I have always felt extremely uncomfortable around my dad. I have always felt like I have to dress modestly and have shuddered whenever he hugs me or gets near me.

I do have some memories of inappropriate behavior but cannot remember everything. I have always wondered how serious it actually was. I minimized it my entire life and convinced myself it was just a dream. I never spoke out about it until 20 years later. My family however is protecting my dad and says that it was inappropriate but not grounds for divorce. I feel like they are not taking it seriously. My youngest sister is having a hard time with it because my dad never abused her and treated her like gold. She was his redemption child. She has gotten incredibly angry with me for saying he sexually abused me and for calling him a pedophile and saying I don't want to have anything to do with him anymore. And she is extremely upset that I want my parents to get a divorce. Mind you, my mom has never been affectionate with my dad, has never been cordial to him my ENTIRE life, constantly nags him, so it's not like I am asking her to leave a healthy happy marriage. My mom also was sexually abused as a child so this is why she treats my dad this way, not to mention my dad has raped my mom several times. I feel that is grounds for a divorce alone besides what he did to me. As, this is the reaction my family has had, it has only furthered my confusion on how I should feel about what happened to me.

What I remember is my dad and I laying on the couch watching TV one night and I asked my dad if we could play "the kissy game." He said we had to wait until mom went to bed. I did not understand why. I was around 3-4 years old. My next memory is us laying on my bed together and us making out and kissing on the neck. I do not remember much of it as I was so young. I remember a separate occasion of asking him to play the game and he said no. I got upset and did not understand why. I also remember taking a bath with my dad, as well as him constantly trying to walk in on me in the bathroom while bathing and in my bedroom changing. I started to lock the bathroom door and pull out the drawer so that he couldn't get in and would pull the shower curtains all the way to the walls so that there were no cracks. He would unlock the door and peek through the crack of the door and I would scream and cry. He also would whistle at me whenever my shoulders were showing and say, "oooh sexy shoulders!" He did this to my younger sister as well but she does not remember it. He also would lick our faces and thought it was funny. Because of all the other things he did it creeped me out and always made me cry. I cannot remember him touching me inappropriately. I have no idea if more happened to me or if this is all. I have told my family everything that I remember and they think it's inappropriate but not sexual abuse nor grounds for divorce. I wish I never told my family. The only reason why they know is because my mother found a vague journal entry that talked about me experiencing something that would cause my parents to get a divorce. She interrogated me for hours till I finally told her I thought something may have happened.

My mom talked to my dad about this and he called me crying shortly after and said, "I'm scared your mom is going to leave me. You know I would never hurt you." He denied ever doing anything inappropriate. I never spoke of it again for 4 years and felt immensely guilty like I had made it all up.

Just recently I brought it up again because I felt sure that it was inappropriate and really did happen. He finally admitted that we did play the game and the next time I asked to play it he said no because he thought it was inappropriate. My family thinks he is noble for this. Because he stopped it from continuing. However, they don't want to see that the damage was already done and that he has made me feel guilty and question if it ever happened by the phone call that he made after the first time my mom talked about it. They also want me to forgive him. I have since cut all ties from my family and have moved 2,000 miles away.

My mom was sexually abused as a child and remembers everything because she was older than me when it happened. Everyone including her keeps saying they are so relieved that nothing more happened to me and that at least I didn't experience what mom did. I'm tired of them comparing our situations and minimizing how I feel. It makes me feel dumb for ever talking about it like I'm being dramatic. Everyone keeps forgetting that I do not remember everything that happened to me because I was so young and that my dad will only admit as much as I remember and word it in a way that makes it seem like it wasn't wrong.

My sisters and I were also sexually abused by the foster parents that my mom was sexually abused by when she was a child. I've been raped and sexually assaulted by various men throughout my adulthood. All my life I have been able to disassociate myself from things that have happened, minimize it, and numb myself to the point that I think it doesn't affect me. That's why I'm confused about how I should feel about all this.

I would like to get people's opinion on if what happened to me really was serious and if it is grounds for divorce. Sometimes I wish I could just remember more so that my family would take this seriously.

 
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Old 08-06-2013, 03:42 PM   #2
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Re: I Have Always Felt Uncomfortable Around My Dad, Is This Serious?

I am sorry that this has happened to you and that your family did not step up for you. The same thing has unfolded in my own birth family where my father was inappropriate with my sister. My mother never admitted that it was happening, and accused my sister of insanity. Your parents sound like mine.
Firstly, let's get your mother's divorcing your father off the table. You have no say in this matter. They clearly have a very complicated and unhealthy relationship, but for whatever reason they will stick together. Their marriage is their own problem. I feel that you think that this divorce would be an admission on your mother's part that he did the very wrong things that you remember. It is not going to happen; she would have left him on the day she found out, but she didn't and she won't now.
You need help to deal with this. There are many many survivors like you out there. Try to find a group or class you can go to. They will know exactly what you are going through, and you need this support. A therapist would be good too, but expensive. You have so much hurt and anger inside you. So many horrible things have happened to you. Your self image is at rock bottom. I feel it is like a beacon you send out, a big flashing sign saying "hurt me!". Please do seek help, and accept that you will have to heal without your family. They will never get it. Hugs, Sera

 
Old 08-06-2013, 04:24 PM   #3
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Re: I Have Always Felt Uncomfortable Around My Dad, Is This Serious?

Thank you Seraph for your reply. It is good to get an outsider's perspective on the issue. Whenever my family tells me that it is not grounds for a divorce, it makes me feel like they are not taking it seriously because they still want him to be a part of the family. And that hurts. I want them to be as angry with him as I am. And I feel that he deserves some sort of consequence and should not be allowed to just continue having a relationship with everyone unaffected. I especially am concerned about the holidays because I am not going to come around if he is there. And they have already made it clear to me that he will be there. So that leaves me to either suck it up and be miserable so I can see the rest of my family, or miss out on the holidays to avoid him.

But I definitely understand what you are saying in that the divorce is not my choice. I'm seeking out counseling now and hope that it will help me through this. Thank you so much for your advice.

 
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