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  • A strange and uncomfortable feeling around my dad and grandpa

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    Old 06-15-2014, 03:43 PM   #1
    BloodyMarii
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    A strange and uncomfortable feeling around my dad and grandpa

    When I was young I begin having sexual fantasies at the early age of four. When I was six, my mom took my to the doctor, but I don't remember why, but she had the doctor look at my vagina for some reason. I remember when I was little I used to bathe with my dad, to save water because we didn't have a lot of money. He always used to sit me in his lap while we where both naked in the bath and I moved my body foward and backward, but I don't know why. I remember that when I was around two or three my dad used to watch porn in front of me, so I don't know if that has something to do with it. Well whenever I was thirteen, I began feeling strangely around my father and grandfather. My father the most at that point. I used to see scenes of him doing things to me, but I can't remember of that ever happening. I've always felt uncomfortable around the two of them. My grandfather watches a lot of porn and I remember telling my grandma and mom about it when I found out, but my grandma said "That's what men do." My mom was upset on the other hand though. When I was in eighth grade I was battling anorexia and depression, and I cut myself a lot. I felt worthless, and like I wasn't even a real person. This was two years after I was molested by two boys in sixth grade. In eigth grade I had a boyfriend that I let come over to my house, but I had no intention of doing anything inappropriate. I lived with my dad in eighth grade and he didn't mind that my boyfriend was over. We went to my room and I wanted to play video games with him, but he kept touching on me, going in my pants. I felt really uncomfortable and told him I wasn't sure about what was going on, but he kept trying to kiss on me. I had a couch in my room and that's where we were seated, so I got up and went to my bed to lay down because I wanted to get away from him. (stupid, I know) I told him that I wanted to take a nap, so he laid down with me. After a few minutes he began touching me again, and it was really making me uncomfortable, and I pushed him away several times, but he continued. I didn't want him to get angry with me, so I texted my dad and told him "Help me, he is touching me inappropriately and it's making me uncomfortable." But my dad didn't care. He said, "Its your problem. You brought him over." To me by text. I eventually gained the courage and told him to go home. I broke up with him after that. Recently I have been feeling really uncomfortable around my grandpa. More than usual. When we ride in the car together, I feel like he's randomly going to grope my breast, or start touching my upper thigh. I keep having flashes of him raping me as well. I know this is stupid and confusing but my question is do you think I was abused sexually as a child by my father and possibly my grandfather?

     
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    Old 06-15-2014, 04:07 PM   #2
    beamybea
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    Re: A strange and uncomfortable feeling around my dad and grandpa

    I think you already know the answer to that question. Part of why you wrote what you wrote in your post is because you have to let it out. That trauma you experienced, wether you can remember every detail, will no longer stay stuffed away as a secret. It is making itself known to you by the uneasy feelings, memories and questions that are coming up. Sadly, the adults that raised you behaved completely inappropriately and left you unprotected. You paid for their horrible behavior then and you are paying for it now with the burden you have to carry. The good news is that you survived. You are stronger than you know and that is also in your favor. You will need that strength as you go forward. Your journey is just beginning and it is going to be a long one. Dont be afraid. You are not alone. There is help. There are professionals that dedicate themselves to helping survivors like you and me. You deserve to thrive and not be just a survivor. It will take work and faith. Depending on your age, you can seek help on your own.
    Do you go to school? They may have resources. Counseling, support groups and spiritual groups are available in almost every community.
    You are a good writer, you would benefit from journaling your thoughts and feelings. There is healing in that. Dont be afraid- you will be amazed at the amount of help and support you can get from the right people and places. im so sorry you didnt have what you needed when you were a child. Ive been where you are right now and I can promise it will get better. Now its up to you to take care of yourself...get help!

     
    Old 06-15-2014, 05:30 PM   #3
    noevr
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    Re: A strange and uncomfortable feeling around my dad and grandpa

    Hi, yeah please please seek out counseling. And don't worry, they have heard everything and it will help you. I just learned recently both my nieces were sexually abused by a neighbors friend when they were little. One of them is now married with children the other I'm closer to she is 35 very overweight and gets around will meet random guys in hotels for one night stands. She was married once but he was big and they had an open relationship. It's a low self esteem issue created by these terrible people in her childhood. She made me promise not to tell her father, my brother.

    So please, talk to someone, go thru the school if you're still in school or go to a church, find a hotline. All else fails find social services in your area. You don't have to give up who did it even though I think it would be good. Do you know the Dr you saw as a child?

    Best of luck xo cathy

     
    Old 08-09-2014, 09:18 PM   #4
    GarriAnn
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    Re: A strange and uncomfortable feeling around my dad and grandpa

    Child, I am so sorry this has happened to you. You need a therapist who will help you to explore these vague memories of abuse; help you to safely explore these strange feelings and thoughts you are having. I would strongly recommend you going to a female therapist; nothing against the good works of a male therapist but having been in your shoes, you will always feel more comfortable discussing these thoughts and feelings with another female.

    In my opinion you are not only having some disconnected memories but also having body memories. I know how bizarre this sounds; body memories, how can the body have memories, but when something happens to the person and the body of someone who is not mature enough to understand the whole subject of sex and all that is involved, trying to repress it, your spirit can only remain silent for so long. Sooner or later things will begin to happen; acting out in a way you don't understand but could also get you into problems.

    Early on when I started therapy I began having severe pelvic area pain. My therapist advised first I have a check up to rule out any medical problem but since I was not ready to "own" the memories, my mind then began to allow my body to "feel" the memory. I realize this may not make a lot of sense but try to believe what I am telling you.

    I spent a lot of time in therapy working through terrible physical abuse and extreme sexual abuse. Also, I had two abusive marriages, the second marriage very violent. While in therapy, I was heavy in the midst of abuse at the hands of the man who vowed to love and protect me. He dared to curse the man who abused me as a child but that didn't stop him from abusing me, his wife, who after each beating he vowed it would never happen again. It was only after he died I met someone who shows me love and respect each day, in other words, he treats me like any woman/girlfriend/wife should be treated, would want to be treated; having never raised a hand to me nor called me anything except my name.

    I would be willing to listen as a friend if you would like to contact me. Not sure how that works, maybe someone can steer us both in the right direction or as the case may be, pressing the right tabs.

    Peace and love be with you child, for that matter, peace and love be with us all.
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    Old 08-09-2014, 09:37 PM   #5
    GarriAnn
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    Re: A strange and uncomfortable feeling around my dad and grandpa

    Child, I am so sorry this has happened to you. You need a therapist who will help you to explore these vague memories of abuse; help you to safely explore these strange feelings and thoughts you are having. I would strongly recommend you going to a female therapist; nothing against the good works of a male therapist but having been in your shoes, you will always feel more comfortable discussing these thoughts and feelings with another female.

    In my opinion you are not only having some disconnected memories but also having body memories. I know how bizarre this sounds; body memories, how can the body have memories, but when something happens to the person and the body of someone who is not mature enough to understand the whole subject of sex and all that is involved, trying to repress it, your spirit can only remain silent for so long. Sooner or later things will begin to happen; acting out in a way you don't understand but could also get you into problems.

    Early on when I started therapy I began having severe pelvic area pain. My therapist advised first I have a check up to rule out any medical problem but since I was not ready to "own" the memories, my mind then began to allow my body to "feel" the memory. I realize this may not make a lot of sense but try to believe what I am telling you.

    I spent a lot of time in therapy working through terrible physical abuse and extreme sexual abuse. Also, I had two abusive marriages, the second marriage very violent. While in therapy, I was heavy in the midst of abuse at the hands of the man who vowed to love and protect me. He dared to curse the man who abused me as a child but that didn't stop him from abusing me, his wife, who after each beating he vowed it would never happen again. It was only after he died I met someone who shows me love and respect each day, in other words, he treats me like any woman/girlfriend/wife should be treated, would want to be treated; having never raised a hand to me nor called me anything except my name.

    I would be willing to listen as a friend if you would like to contact me. Not sure how that works, maybe someone can steer us both in the right direction or as the case may be, pressing the right tabs.

    Peace and love be with you child, for that matter, peace and love be with us all.
    __________________
    ~GA
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