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  • Dad threatens me - feeling intimidated constantly

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    Old 08-13-2014, 04:37 PM   #1
    Frayed Silence
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    Dad threatens me - feeling intimidated constantly

    Hi all

    I would be happy if anyone can help advise me on a serious issue that has been going on since I was a young child (since I can remember) or even, if you do not mind, share some experiences.

    My dad has always been threatening and verbally abusive to me and all of my family since I can remember and it scares me a lot and he just laughs when I tell him I feel scared of him. He has threatened to throw me out (I do contribute a lot financially but he does not care about this and gladly takes it but does not thank me and I cannot afford to live on my own due to serious illness that is chronic). He has threatened to throw me out even though he knows how ill I am and how much I would suffer if I could not afford my own house and end up homeless. It is as if he takes great joy out of threatening me and others he meets or has relationships with.

    The argument and threat started as he was in the bathroom with no light on and the door wide open for all to see (and there are three women in the house) and I previous weeks before advised him to put the light on at least so others do not walk into him having a wee (which I did and again) but this time he still went in having a wee in plain view with no light on and door open and I basically asked him why he still did not put the light on and why he did not take my advise but instead he attacked me verbally saying he does not listen to me and that it is his house in an aggressive tone. I then said in a stern tone as I was not happy with his aggression and answers that it was a family home (not just his as we all contribute and share it). This is when he got so verbally abusive and chased me into my room and threatened me with homelessness by being thrown out and that he does not care about me or what happens to me even with my illness. I apologised twice but he carried on verbally abusing me and refused my apology and warned me never to 'challenge' him again. He sees me as a 'challenge' to his authority and hates me. I wish I was never born to be honest as he has always disliked me despite my academic achievements, lending him loads of money and a listening ear when he has got himself into bad times. Yet this is how he really feels about me and it breaks my heart. He is not a real father and I feel ashamed I am even related to him. I wished I had never even said anything but the thing is I am a free-thinking adult just like he is, yet he believes strongly that all of us live in his house and must obey him, never 'challenge' him ever.

    He has even told me when I was very young that I would never amount to anything as I was bad at maths and he was bad at teaching it to me as he was aggressive verbally and used to bash the table in impatience and time me to get it right. I never learnt anything but how a father can be so nasty to their own flesh and blood. He never ever encouraged me, just put me down. He even said I could not even write my own name as he believed I was so dumb. This has seriously harmed my self-confidence but I had managed to start increasing it by going to college and being taught by proper tutors who believed in me and cared.

    He has always been the one to be in charge in his mind even over his wife who he has treat in some awful ways (only verbally but nasty things said nonetheless). He has basically told her she has done nothing for all his married life with her (she has done much for me and our family and is very committed towards everyone, which I greatly admire). He is a liar. He has even lied to my mother about me many times about what his arguments were about changing it to make me look the sole bad one when it takes two to tango. Yes, I will not help the situation but he has to always act the good guy who can do no wrong. He basically changes what I have said in my argument and twists it so he is felt sorry for and gets a sympathy vote. He has even told my mom to basically go away in swear words which I will not publish here. This was one of the Christmasses we had when he was being a moody sulky one. Now I know why... because there were arguments I did not have any idea about until my mother opened up to me.

    He never ever apologises for the hurt he causes me, my sister and my mother. He only bullies us all. Yet we cannot get out of this awful cycle due to money issues (got to sell house to afford smaller one and separate) or change him for the better but I see this as never happening as he never realises he acts in such an abusive intimidating way. I argue too but never to intimidate like he does. He is a nasty piece of work and I wished I was not his child (now an dule but he treats me like a child who has to agree i.e. 'yes man' with everything he says or does or wants to do). He has no reflective skills and is unable, from what I see, to even acknowledge his behaviour and its negative impact on his family that he claims to 'look after'. Anyone can say they care about someone and anyone can say they look after their family but if the actions are not there then that says it all.

    I know I will not help at all as I am unfortunately fiesty and do not like bullies or people that oppress me like he does. This is usually why such an argument starts and he carries it on by verbally attacking his own family members and threatening to throw us out. He has even threatened to hurt my mom (he told me years ago). I refuse to tolerate such abusive behaviour that could turn physically dangerous and feel constantly threatened and like I cannot breathe and that I am walking on egg shells. This is why I do not tend to hang out with him as I am scared of him. I am ill as it is and do not need such an evil person near me who scares me in such a way. Arguments between me and him also happen due to his lack of manners or caring behaviour. He pushes round us without any 'excuse me' or 'please' etc. He also stole out of my bedroom without me knowing as I was out. He is just not a normal caring dad. I feel I have something missing and that this has effected me quite a bit.

    I have contributed much money over the years to him and our family and all he says is nothing, just takes it from me and one time even said it was nothing at all, but it was a lot to me and I would rather have kept it if that is how ungrateful he is towards me. He is not my dad and never will be. He does not act like one.

    He has also and continues to verbally attack people while they are sitting eating their dinner at the dinner table which has upset people many times and now me and my sister will not sit at the table due to knowing this is going to happen. It is just so dysfunctional here.

    The thing that frightens me is that he feels this house which mom also owns is his house not anyone elses' and uses it to intimidate me, my mother and my sister into submission and absolute oppression. Basically he is a bully and nothing more.

    I will not tolerate being a door mat for him to constantly tread on and stomp on just because he gets a kick out of it, which I know he does as he would not behave like this all the time otherwise. Even when I apologise and admit I am wrong, even if I am not, he continues to chase me, point his finger at me in my face and verbally threaten me. He does not care one bit about our family or else he would not behave like this.

    I have been bedbound and he never came to see if I was alright or show affection in any way or bring me something to eat up. He just sits watching tv or on the computer. He even verbally attacked me when I most needed help for my illness saying I did not deserve help and that he did not care about me at all. He did this to his own child who is ill with a serious illness. He even tried to get my sister on his side to attack me. I cannot believe his evilness. Who is he? Not my dad that's for sure. I refuse to believe I am even related to him as it really makes me feel so ashamed to be part of him and feel so bad if I turn out like him as it scares me.

    Please could any of you give me a bit of advice or if you do not mind share some experiences. I cannot afford the extortionate rent prices of housing nor to buy my own house so feel trapped in a vicious and evil downward spiral that is seriously affecting my self-confidence and mental health as I feel threatened constantly and not in a stable home with someone like that oppressing me and my family. I also have a chronic serious illness that means I am extra vulnerable to further illnesses (i.e. infections) and he knows it and is using it against me. Why he had me is beyond me but I guess he had me as it meant he had someone who he could tell what to do and oppress, which he is even though I am now an adult.

    Other people he has dealt with/met have also commented on feeling threatened by him and not liking him. I agree with them and know it is at least not just me being super sensitive.

    Many thanks for hearing me out. It is much appreciated even though my dad says I am ungrateful and hates me as I have my own mind and voice, which is why he uses the word 'challenge' as he feels challenged by me.

    Edit: My dad used to physically spank me or threaten me with physical abuse and throwing me out in the rain, etc, when I was a child and it resulted in me feeling very unloved and unwelcome. Just like I do now. He clearly does not love me. I do believe he shows behaviour of a narcisist and wonder maybe if I can get him to a doctor or sectioned under the mental health act as I believe him to be a danger to not only our family but others outside too. The only issue is trying to get him to go as he refuses, blaming everyone else for his behaviour.

    Kind regards


    Last edited by Frayed Silence; 08-13-2014 at 04:41 PM.

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    Old 08-24-2014, 08:45 AM   #2
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    Re: Dad threatens me - feeling intimidated constantly

    Hi, it sounds as if your father is so self loathing that he is not capable of showing love. He has been this way so long that his brain is stuck in this destructive pattern and as a result not only does he suffer but everyone in contact with him suffers also. Happy men spread love and good will while miserable men spread misery. The worst way to interact with this type of person is to go on his level and answer nastiness with nastiness. Try niceness, kill him with kindness, many times this technique will disarm the aggressive behavior of these individuals and confuse them.It is important for you to know of all the people he makes miserable, the person who suffers the most misery is himself......Good luck to you

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    Old 01-05-2015, 02:57 PM   #3
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    Re: Dad threatens me - feeling intimidated constantly

    I am sorry you have to live under same roof with such abusive person. You never said how old you are and what kind illness you have. If you are teen or an adult -2 different ways to handle this situation. You also never said how is your mom handles such situation. How did she let him throw you in a rain when you were a child?
    Hard for me to understand how a mother lets a father to treat her kids this way, especially ill?
    Does she work? If everyone so unhappy, than why not to leave him? If everybody go to work, you can afford to rent a place, just to get away from this abuse?

    Many questions without answers....

    Wishing you well

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