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jaffaX 08-31-2014 09:22 PM

What if? Past child abuse
 
Ok, so I don't really know what to say but I have to get this out.

As a kid I played with other kids 'inappropriately'. But I didn't/don't understand why I did.

I hate myself for doing so. I loath myself and feel that I will never deserve forgiveness. May it have been my naivety for wanting to fit in with a group of girls in my class who played 'house' differently or something that my mind blocked.

All I can think is ' I deserve to suffer.'

I think that what I did as a kid has something to do with my frequent Night Terrors of someone I trust touching me. I never see their face but I can just feel that I know them and trusted them at one point.

Recently it came out that a friend of the family was touching his granddaughters. It was someone I NEVER thought would do such a terrible thing. Some on I once thought family. I have this nagging feeling that he may have touched me too. I have blocks of my childhood I don't remember. I feel cold and empty inside, I feel such guilt and shame. Could I have been touched and not remember it?

I don't know what to do. I've been holding this in for years, I'm constantly afraid that my family and friends will somehow find out my shame and will hate me or not understand, just as I still don't understand.

I suffer greatly from panic and anxiety attacks that sometimes trigger outta no where, I constantly feel like something bad is going to happen. That whatever goes wrong will be my fault.

Was I at fault for my actions as a child, or were they caused by something out of my control?


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