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  • It all started with a dream

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    Old 09-03-2014, 05:56 AM   #1
    angel222
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    It all started with a dream

    it all started with a dream 2 days ago. I woke up from the dream with me saying you know something happened, and I kept saying that for 5 minutes. I know that something happened, but what and when. so I started to narrow down the possibilities. as to when it has to be in 5th grade, that year with no reason that I can see - if I stop and think- I didn't go to school I would hide in the street until my parents left the house and came back. that year when I showered I would put towels on the mirror because I couldn't look at myself naked. it scared me. my breast grew fast but I didn't want to put a bra or anything at all because I said -no I don't have anything, the next year I put on a bra I was already cup B. as to who, before that year I was daddy's girl the year after I hated him, more like, get away from me you disgusting person. but I didn't ask myself why I hated him it just was. the next year my little sister ,3 at the time, became his favorite. I think I was conditioned to think too many things are normal which really are very sick. my little sister ,22 yo now, thinks of herself as my fathers "spiritual wife" I remember my mom saying that to me when I was 10, and accusing me of stealing him, the more I think I remember more stuff. a game where I ride him like a horse and once asking, dad is your gun on you, what is that. that is so wrong. I can't let my husband touch my breast I actually tell him, don't touch me there you creep. than I say sorry I don't know why I say that. I went to a couple of therapists who say that I act in every way like I was sexually abused but I always said, I don't remember anything. when I sleep if my husband hand is touching me than I always ask, is that you, and i'm scared until he answers. most nights i'm afraid that someone is standing beside me looking at me, so now I put my laptop there. a couple of weeks ago I decided not to have any contact with my dad, and I was really mad at him, but I seriously didn't know why. my mom used to beat me up, she's not nice either, but for some reason I decided to forgive her, and move on, but I can't even look at my dad. I was aware that my dad never looks in my eyes but at my breasts, but than thinking well so it's not like he's doing anything so he's just creepy but not "a bad person". thanks for whoever reads this I needed to get this out there. and i'm 31 now.

     
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