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  • when the past comes kicking the door down

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    Old 09-12-2014, 07:50 PM   #1
    just V
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    when the past comes kicking the door down

    This is difficult for me. Not because I have a hard time communicating. But because I haven't been believed much about it my entire life. Most people just don't want to be bothered to help, listen, support or comfort. It's been a dead end. One riddled with lame anecdotes and stock phrases. One where the others involved, seem to frolic off without a care, while I'm the one picking up the pieces for decades. The one trying to be the diplomat. The peace maker. Yet the one always labeled the bad guy, the trouble maker.

    I'm the youngest of 2. We are 10.5 years apart. Classic, emotionally absent alcoholic father and emotionally and physically absent passive aggressive, enabling, codependent mother. I have no fond memories of family events, really. No father/daughter talks. No daddy's little girl. No closeness with my mom. No support, only subtle, constant put downs and 'what's wrong with you?". Ever since I was born, my sister picked on me. Actually, both my mom and sister. They'd gang up. They'd tease me if I was sitting on the toilet with my Little Golden Book, trying to eliminate the junk food I was raised on. They'd crack the door, peep and snicker, or fling the door open, point and laugh and make comments. Even taking photos of me, all upset about it. Hilarious, right? I was 4, but remember it clearly. They would also tease me about touching my private parts. They literally kept that teasing up for decades. At least 45 years of it. I wish was kidding. I'm not. It wasn't until I got a mediator from church to confront them with me a few years ago, they finally stopped. Then I was the bad guy for putting them through that humiliation. It's ok to enjoy pummelling me with hubris, but not ok for me to try to stop it? All my attempts at shutting off that narrative over the decades, were just laughed off... waved off... eyes rolled at... something wrong with me for being annoyed. Always something wrong with me. Always my fault. Always me with the problem. The bad guy.

    My family (meaning, my mom and sister... dad gone since 1991), have always disapproved of my way of being. My thoughts, my feelings, the way I do things, how I think, etc. I have a high IQ (166, but so what, just saying for the sake of the story and I'm not an idiot like they treat me). Nothing I do is right, because it's not how they'd do it. And they are alike. My sister is like my mom but x300. Both passive aggressive. Both will talk behind your back and spread stuff that isn't true. But my sister is much worse... so much more destructive and dangerous in that regard, that I have had to cut her out of my life entirely. She would be constantly trying to control me. Never let up. How I wear my hair. How I do my very successful business (I'm a business owner and she's failed every time she's tried to run her own). I have had no help from anyone creating it and maintaining it. She has sabbotaged my relationships with her children. Telling them lies about me. It started when the eldest (only 8 years younger) began to confide in me because he didn't feel comfortable talking to his mother. When she found out, she did something, because my relationship with him was over and has never been fixed. Then her youngest has a little girl, who just loved me for some reason. Would always talk about me (I'd hear), want to see me. I bought her a gift because we were to meet up at my sister's house. A cute little purse, pink, with a big yellow sunflower on front with a happy face on it. Inside the purse were a bunch of cute little things. I set the purse on the counter and took a nap. While I slept, my sister took the purse over and gave it to her grand daughter, herself. When I found out... my sister told me with her usual smirk, while watching my reaction. I was so devastated that I cried for hours at such massive cruelty for no reason. But this is how she is. You think everything is fine, then BOOM! Blind sided with such abuse that your head spins and your heart shatters. As she acts like, 'What?' all innocent. Even saying, "I gave it to her for you." Evil. She has told so many lies about me to family, that I cannot even begin defend myself. She says I'm crazy. Flatters family with fake care and concern, then drops these little poison bombs. And I swear to God, I have no idea why she has always done this to me. But she's been at me since I have memory.

    I had a tragedy in 2008... my husband (who became an alcoholic) liquidated our assets, sent the money to his mother in another country and abandoned me, leaving me with a huge debt I didn't create and no home. I'm still not fully recovered from that. Emotionally I'm still a mess. But as a result, I had to move in with my mother. Never in my wildest dreams did I think she would pick up treating me like a stupid kid. I did the child to adult transfer with my girls... from being the mom and them being kids, to me being mom and them being adults. Adults that have a right to be treated as such, without my meddling and disrespect. Wasn't easy, but I did a pretty good job. Apparently my mom never made such a change. I am constantly needled at for just being myself. Talked to like I need instructing in everything. Persecuted for simply being 'me'.

    I don't drink or do drugs. I don't do anything people usually consider bad behavior, other than being open and honest. I don't cheat, lie, steal, use others, etc. But it's never good enough. There's always comments. Always judgements. "Why are you doing it like that" or "Why don't you do it like this?" A constant pummeling. It errodes my very being. This is mainly why it's taken me so long to recover from the great loss I experienced with my x husband. The house isn't good enough. This or that. It's always something. Always little comments and hints dropped. Never straight talk. I feel like I'm busting my backside and never get any praise. I don't ask for much, either. There's been no support for the individual I am and have grown into being. I'm very talented, so I'm told, in creative things. I can make money at it. I'm only praised when it makes someone else look good (as far as family is concerned). I would be proud of a child of mine who was honest, had integrity, kept their word, helped others selflessly. But I get nothing for that. I know God sees and rewards... but there's something about the disapproving mother that can rot your soul...

    I could go on and on and on with stories of abuse. And I guess people don't see it usually, because no one is physically hitting me or really doing it in front of others. But my sister has told so many false stories... I can never clean up such a mess. So she's out. Until a tragedy happens and she thinks it's her chance to worm her way back in. She has no shame. She's apologized to me 3 times over the years, for all the harm she's done to me. Then gone right back to it like she never missed a step. Now I'm the bad guy because I want no part of her anymore. 5 decades of that and I've had quite enough, thank you. I'll give her no more opertunity to harm me. For both our sakes. But I'm the bad guy because my mom wants us to get along, and it's me who isn't 'getting along'.

    But I have tried to talk to my mother when something comes up. Like how people that care about each other do, when they need to work through problems. I try and she refuses to speak to me about any of the issues. I complain about her constantly telling me what and how to do things, about eaves dropping on me and surveilling me. About gossiping about my private information. She complains about me needed my privacy and not keeping my door open all the time. About me having a say in how I want to be treated. She tells me it's my fault. All of it is my fault. Then, when I get someone to help me like that one time with the mediator, she shuns me for weeks because I did something so horrible as to force her to confront the abuse and let the dirty cat out of the family bag. How dare I ! It's what's going on now. She has started randomly accusing me of things I have never done, nor would ever do. Crazy-making type stuff. Completely made up. Scares me because she's willing to argue with me over something that never happened. Once I force her to see the facts, to admit that such a thing never happened, she's mad at me. I'm bad, once again. A lot of walls and fear. I know my mom loves me, too. In her own way...
    I do not know how someone can claim to love another, then do such massive destruction to them without a care in the world, see no reason to apologize, then blame them for it. It's beyond my ability to wrap my brain around. But I can hope it gets better, right? I can continue to change myself. I cannot give in to giving up.

     
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    Old 09-13-2014, 08:38 AM   #2
    Machaon
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    Re: when the past comes kicking the door down

    Hi just V!

    You sound like an amazing, intelligent, caring, forgiving person; and also quite a survivor of abuse. I find it amazing that you have endured so many years of abuse, especially as a child, and still turned out so to be such an amazing, thoughtful, caring individual and mother.

    I am not a medical professional, but it sure sounds like both your mother and sister have some mental issues. When dealing with those with mental issues, reason and logic and reasonable behavior are futile almost non-existent. Their thought processes just don't work right.

    I hope that you are able to recover financially and are able to move out of your mother's place and into a much healthier environment. In the meantime, stay strong, as I'm sure you will!

    Take care...
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    Old 09-13-2014, 11:56 PM   #3
    angel222
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    Re: when the past comes kicking the door down

    your mother and sister sounds very similar to mine. I have decided to cut them from my life too. the biggest question I had was why, why are they treating me like that. than you try harder to be a better person to show them that you are not a bad person. but I discovered in my case that was the problem. you are strong, successful in business, managed to raise your children in a good way, you are smart. they can't stand you in their life, when they are so dysfunctional. they really can't go through the day when you are showing them all their defects, just by being you. the best solution in my opinion for both sides is staying away from each other. you can try and find the people around you that see what a great person you are and are confident enough in themselves to support and love you.

     
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    Old 09-15-2014, 05:50 AM   #4
    just V
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    Re: when the past comes kicking the door down

    Wow, thank you both for the response. Much appreciated <3

    My sister is gone from my life but tries, on occasion, to worm her way back in, via some kind of tragedy. I fell for it for years. No more. I am trying to be honest in forgiveness for her, but she still needs no part in my life.

    I have to stay away from her for both our sakes. Mine, for safety (understatement!) and for her sake, so she has no opportunity to continue being evil to me. But with my mom... she is the only one I'm making special exception for. She's my mother. And a time will come where she won't be here anymore. God help me, is all I can say, in that regard. I need it! lol.

    The 'why' about issues like this, can certainly be the problem. It's something of an entity that takes on a life of its own and, like passing that baton of abuse, can be used by us to carry out their task. Lovely to raise a child like that, isn't it? Ugh. And while none of us is perfect, my seeking to understand, often is crazy-making at the same time. Really trying to find a way to love without much expectation. My logical brain is in major conflict with that. But alas... life! lol.

    Last edited by Administrator; 09-15-2014 at 08:01 AM.

     
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