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davejoann1 01-03-2009 11:00 AM

when will i stop missing my husband
when will i stop missing my husband

caringsister54 01-03-2009 08:31 PM

Re: when will i stop missing my husband
you will never stop missing a person whose passed. it's been almost 4 years for me. My mother-in-law told me that each year that passes it gets easier to go through each day but there's never a time or a certain situation that won't cause you to miss the person ever.

What you are grieving is the loss of what you knew was your life. Those words that defined you and who you were. You need to step outside yourself and find something to give yourself over to so that you can start gaining new definitions or adjectives.

I was a wife, I'm still a mother, friend, co-worker, now I have new definitions; widow, girlfriend and a few others that I've yet to know.

So I'm sorry to say that you will never stop missing the person who passed, but you will be losing the pain that's associated with those memories. The pain will lessen.

There's no time limit for grieving so don't put a time limit on yourself, it'll only frustrate you.

Take Care


showe0005 01-04-2009 04:42 PM

Re: when will i stop missing my husband
That is a question that I would like toknow also. It has only been 3 weeks since I lost my husband but it feels longer. I just wish I could hear his voice or his smile one more time.

caringsister54 01-04-2009 09:52 PM

Re: when will i stop missing my husband

there's no time limit. It is what it is for however long you chose it to be. For me, I decided that my husband opened my heart to love and I didn't want to close it back up again. I had put the intimate part of that relationship aside for so very long while he was sick but I wanted the entire package again. It was something he gave me which was my ability to love and accept love back.

Both husband and my Lord decided I was worth it and sent me my boyfriend, a little over 2 years after my husband left.

I also signed up for teaching other less-fortunate people in English as a second Language and also looked at volunteerism opportunities through my job. So, the grieving will leave or lessen when you chose to stop looking inward and look outside yourself and see what you can do.

There's no time limit. Take whatever time you feel is appropriate to honor the one who passed, the pain will lessen the memories never will

Caring Sister54

showe0005 01-05-2009 02:20 AM

Re: when will i stop missing my husband
People keep telling me how strong I have been through the whole time he went through his chemo and bone marrow transplant but I dont feel very strong. I cry everday and it seems the pain gets worse with everyday.

caringsister54 01-05-2009 07:19 AM

Re: when will i stop missing my husband
what is happening is normal, do not fight it. Realize that while he was sick you weren't able to address your needs and buried them in your quest to be there for him. That became either your primary job or a part-time job because you worked full-time somewhere else.

My husband needed a kidney transplant but never got one. First year we were told he wasn't sick enough yet, second year he was on the list and his siblings were going through their testing even though none of them was a perfect 6 out of 6 match. I'm glad though that the transplant never happened. if it had and he still died, it would be more traumantic for all of us.

Please understand that grieving is painful and can lead to depression that also can give you body aches, chills, fevers, etc. Your body is fighting to survive this brutal pain. Give yourself time. Take to bed and rest.

Realize that you must give yourself time to find what your next purpose in life will be because God relieved you of this other purpose.

I am walking testimony that one can seemingly be "a-okay" after a death. Sometimes that's true, sometimes not. and on the 'not' days, I reach out and let others know I'm not having a good day; my boss, my co-workers; my children and the wonderful guy who God sent into my life. Being that he's also a widow he perfectly understands.

Hang in there and post here anytime. You must understand what you are dealing with is a normal bodily reaction to the grief and just like the flu, you will recover from this.

Love always

PSM 01-05-2009 09:38 AM

Re: when will i stop missing my husband
Listen to what Caring Sister is saying...I'm a widower, not a widow, and I'm not sure if my responses would be appropriate in your situation. But I'm confident sharing these thoughts. Today is 15 weeks since My Wife was cremated. I grieve every day. Your life IS different now, and the first few weeks after you get through the zombie-like shock are the hardest. I can vouch for time helping. My mental state at 15 Weeks is much better than it was at 5. Time and communication are the keys. Utilize these boards, talk to friends, talk to old friends if possible. See a therapist with experience in bereavement/grief counseling. Cry it out, talk it out. And you know'll never, ever, get over it, but, in time, you will get through it.
And as for people telling you how strong you've been, let have!
My prayers are with you Lady. Please don't let anyone rush you into stopping or shortening your grieving process. Possibly for the first time is all about you. God Bless.

PSM 01-05-2009 10:08 AM

Re: when will i stop missing my husband
Also...careful with your estate. Unless you are an attorney, or have one you trust, you may need some type of guidance. Health care organizations love to "double dip", meaning, you've paid your part (co-payment) but they try to slide the full amount past you thanks to computer billing, or downright greed. You may be so caught up in your grief, that you just cut a check to get a bill out of the way. Lawyers call it fraud. Some social workers are trained in this. Get help. Find out your state's Credit card laws. You may not be responsible for non-jointly held CC accounts. Again, don't let anyone rush you. Take the phone off the hook if you need to. At 3 weeks, I was running ragged. If this is happening to you, slow things down. Your issues, at your pace. Every grief/bereavement book, pamphlet or web post I have read state the same thing: Grieving for a life partner is a full time job. And it's true. Your life has changed in so many ways, you need the time to think things through.

thisworld 01-05-2009 12:26 PM

Re: when will i stop missing my husband
pms, I lost my hubby Nov8. he just turn 65. he was a professional civil engineer. we had a beaufiful home of 3o years and it forclose in April. we had excellant credit and had to turn to credit cards to live on. since he was told Sept. 2007 he had lung cancer and the income stop and had to turn to credit careds just to live. he own his own company and work was falling down anyway before he got sick and he then work for someone else. have one day gone the next. he was the best provider but cancer jump in. and took everything we had. fortunatly iv sold alot of antiques, collectorables . but you cant see baby grand piano but once. collection agencies is calling everyday. going to a lawyer tommorrow. sorry for your loss and yes we all need to lean on each other. sorry also goes to showe I call every day and also people tells me Im so strong to deal with losing a house and everything he work for and losing my best friend. maybe I am . just too sad to me. take care disney

PSM 01-05-2009 06:17 PM

Re: when will i stop missing my husband
You ARE strong. You prove it every day when you lift your head off of your pillow. Cancer steals so much from everyone, I'm truly sorry for your loss. As for the collection agencies, well, they can't take away what's important, like your integrity, your humanity and the Love you still have for Your Husband. And financially, they can't take what you don't have. Good luck with the lawyer. I pray that you get a good one. God Bless.

caringsister54 01-06-2009 06:11 AM

Re: when will i stop missing my husband
If the house is jointly owned, they can only attach themselves to the part that was considered 'his'. You say that he owned his own business, wasn't disability taken out of the business expenses? and why didn't SSI kick in when he was no longer able to work???

Keep that in mind, you may have monies owed to you. I also found =-= upon my Mikey's death -- that credit cards he opened with both of our names were the ones that his life insurance had to pay off, those that he opened and put be down as an authorized user -- walked away from his obligation and didn't take any life insurance money.

Remember, anything in both your names is still 1/2 yours and no one can attach themselves to that.

PSM 01-08-2009 08:57 AM

Re: when will i stop missing my husband
I've been posting since New Year's Eve when I found this board out of desperation. Today marks four (4) months since my Beloved passed on, right about 10am eastern time. So I ask, how long does it hurt so bad that you just want to lay down and die yourself. I've tried to be upbeat, positive, and supportive...but when I look at the fresh snow on the ground, and know that just a few years ago (2006) we were cross-country skiing, putting tracks in fresh snow just like the kind that's outside, that we'd stop, and laugh, and race with each other, and see who could make it down the big hill without falling...well I just don't know what to do. She was hardly 40 years old, and died a hard prolonged painful death from ov. cancer, and the images that my brain has blocked out, of the pain, and distress, and tears, are starting to come back like snapshots that can't push away. I think I hurt more today than the day My Girl died.

caringsister54 01-08-2009 11:03 AM

Re: when will i stop missing my husband
Sorry to say -- there's no time limit. If you want to drive yourself nuts, circle a date on a calendar about 4 months from today and when you get to that date, feel that you need to no longer mourn? It doesn't make sense to put that stress on yourself.

Mourning is necessary as is laughing and crying. Continue to cry. BUT you must understand that you still have a purpose in life in God's eyes so don't disappoint him.

You are expecting to feel normal? What's normal? I laid in bed for 3 weeks only getting up to get something to eat or use the restroom. Then I went back to work. I still come home from work and take to my bed, its what my body and mind needs sometimes and my house has so many memories of my 'old' life that I just can't sit in the living room anymore. I feel very cold in it and its warmer upstairs where my bedroom is. Other times, I come home from work and head straight to my boyfriend's house to spend time with him.

Don't cheat God, you still have some good things to offer. BUT don't expect or feel that you have something wrong because you don't feel like dancing in the street.


PSM 01-09-2009 08:12 AM

Re: when will i stop missing my husband
Dear Caring Sister,
(and from reading your posts I believe you are, and do care) I'm thinking of relocating to a gentler climate...I was house sitting for a friend in the southwest through the holidays, as I just couldn't imagine being in this, our house, at xmas & New Year without My Girl. I was mourning, yes indeed I was, but since getting back here to NY, The floodgates are open, I can't seem to stop crying, sometimes the sounds that come out of my mouth aren't even intelligible. I sound like a Pentecostal ******** speaking in tongues...only screamingly sad. Do you think relocation to an unfamiliar locale, with a sunnier, gentler, climate might help? This house is like a museum of broken dreams, She is everywhere I look. I know I must mourn, and accept it. But this is torturous. I lost my job when acting as caregiver, as we all know, you can only take so many weeks off, even with the kindest of employers, and don't even feel that I could go back to a productive career yet. I could probably borrow and afford to move. Would I be doing disrespect to My Wife, who loved this house, and worked so hard to make it nice, by leaving and getting a fresh start. It's just SO sad here. Our Cat sits at the window, waiting for Her car, I open the closet, and there are her clothes,
I sleep in the bed, in the room She died in. I want to run away from home at 52 years old, and understand that you can't run from your grief, but can you remove yourself to a place where there are less "triggers" for remorse? I've always had a bit of light-deprivation depression, and being here, now in the winter is just beyond depressed. What is your take on relocation? PSM

caringsister54 01-09-2009 10:17 AM

Re: when will i stop missing my husband
Grief Therapy repeats a lament that makes entire sense. DO NOT MAKE MAJOR LIFE-CHANGING DECISIONS IN THE FIRST YEAR OF GRIEF!

When my Mikey died, even though he was declared in a hospital, I know it was right in front of my face in my living room with him in his recliner. The only thing I was asked by my daughter was to get rid of his chair. It was in good shape and my Mother-in-law's recliner just broke so she has it now.
I purchased myself a chaise lounge.

The house it happened in was on our side of a duplex that was and is my entire childhood home. I was 15 months old when my parents closed on the house. Wouldn't have been easy for me to up and leave since my mother was showing early signs of dementia and I truly had no money to be able to leave and my job was 6 miles from my house.

Before you decide to make a major relocation change, may I suggest that you change the wall colors, since you're not working, go out and get a coat of paint and paint a room. I redid the bedroom we shared. I wallpapered top half, put a chair rail and painted the bottom half. Why I did it after he left when we slept in a room with cracked walls and ceilings for so many years, I have no answer. But that room is my sanctuary now.

Its not time to sell, the housing market busted and you won't get your top dollar. Make it a point to look and get a job. Even if you do it through a temp agency first. Make sure that the employer interviewing you knows that you wouldn't have left your job but you needed to be there for your spouse.

So you wanted my answers and that is what it is. While you may suffer from light deprivation, you can get it by going out walking, open the window shades, put brighter light bulbs in the lights and go out and walk some more.
I wouldn't make relocation changes right now!

I will think about you so keep coming back and letting me know how you are doing okay?

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