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showe0005 01-04-2009 05:18 PM

Missing my husband
To make a long story short my husband was diagnoised in May that his Non Hogkins lymphoma was back and he would need a bone marrow transplant. August of 2008 he went through the transplant with flying colors. The doctors were really amazed he handled it so well. Around the first of November 2008 he started having some problems but nothing the doctors could really figure out. November 12 2008 he went in the hospital with breathing problems. November 7th he had a chest x-ray that showed nothing and November 12th the xray showed his lungs filled with fluid. After a couple of days running test the docotrs informed us it was ARDS and that he only had a 10 percent chance of coming through it. He remained in ICU for 4 and a half weeks before he passed away. It has been 3 weeks and I still came come to face that he is gone. We were married for 7 years and it was the best 7 years of my life. We were together at work, at home and on the weekends. We did everything together. And frankly I dont know if I want to go on without him. I dont think I could ever do anyhting to myself but I really wouldnt care if I went to sleep and never woke up. I miss him so much and dont know how to go on without him. When we married he had a 7 year old (which is 14 now) that I adopted and i know I have to be here for her. But it is so hard. I really just dont know what I am going to do.

becky15 01-04-2009 06:31 PM

Re: Missing my husband
I am so sorry for your loss. I know exactly what you are going thru. I lost my husband of 23 years on Nov.25, 2008. We were as close as you and your husband. We did everything together. We spoke on the cell phone at 4:30 Tuesday nite and at 9 pm we were searching for his body. He drowned going to check on his beloved boat. Talk about shock and grief. It is now over 1 month and it feels like yesterday and I cry everyday. I sleep on his sweater and outloud I call for him. But we have to go on. My 80 year old mom who is widowed, keeps telling me that I will get used to it in time, she also says that we are here now, the world is for the living. I also lost my brother in Sept of this year. My brother's widow writes to him in a journal, it keeps her sane and she feels comforted. I just talk out loud to my husband. You have to think of your child. Life will take care of you. I never asked for this, like you. We were planning to retire next year but guess what, God made other plans. That is what you need to go on. There are plans for you still.

showe0005 01-05-2009 03:14 AM

Re: Missing my husband
Thanks for your reply. I sleep with the sweatshirt my husband was wearing the night before he went to the hospital. I am going to try to return to work today (Jan.5) and I know it will the hard.Walking by his office everyday and him not being there. Its not like I can walk around it because we work in a secure building. There is one way in and one way out. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. My first marriage ended in divorce after 21 years and it wasnt this hard. I havnet been able to deal with any of his personal belongings. His shoes are still in the living room where he took them off. I cant bring myself to move them. I just miss him so much.

caringsister54 01-05-2009 08:24 AM

Re: Missing my husband

when you return to work, if you find that you can't stay, ask for more time off. Keep his shoes in the place for however long you want. There's nothing to say that you need to touch them or more them.

I kept the clothes that my husband wore on his way to the hospital the last time but about 5 months after his death I realized that he was a clothes horse and had more than me and there were people around who could use them better so I gave them away.

My husband was a big guy and we had the gamit of sizes from 2x to 5x so there was plenty to go around. I kept all the tee-shirts my kids remembered him wearing, I intend to cut them up and make a quilt for them to have when they marry and move out.

My son called from the "road' and when I told him I was cleaning out the clothing, he immediately thought I was changing everything that was the way it was when his Dad was alive and he was going to come home to a totally strange house. I assured him nothing else was changing except his Dad's clothes were going to more needier people than us. When he got home he understood.

Give yourself time and talk, talk, talk, tell everyone when you have a good thought of when its a bad day. You have people there to support you and the ones that walk away versus the ones that gather around you and support you will totally surprise you in the end.

Talk, Talk, and Talk some more, let others help you through this. You will get through it, I promise.

becky15 01-05-2009 06:28 PM

Re: Missing my husband
How was work today? When I returned the 4th week, it was too soon. I ended up crying everyday and running to the bathroom. I took another week. Today was my first day back and it was better. But at home, I can't stop crying because I feel so lonely. I know what you are going thru. One of my neighbors left a book in my door about grief and says she prays for me. I don't know if that made me feel worse or better but at least people are watching out for me. I was married before also for 9 years and my husband Sal came along and rescued me after a terrible divorce. He rescued me for 23 years, always took such good care of us. I think we are still in the beginning of our grief and over a lot of time, we will heal. We will never forget, but we will heal and that is what we have to hold onto and lots of memories!

showe0005 01-05-2009 07:19 PM

Re: Missing my husband
Well today was not as bad as I thought it would be, but after people told me they were glad I was back I would tell them to stop there or I would be in tears. It was hard because all the guys that worked for him really wanted to say more to me but I just could not let them.The guy that has taken his place at work did tell me he had found more personal items. I told him I would pick them up later. I still had a few times today that I just couldnt hold back the tears. And now that I am at home its hard to hold them back. I know people say it will get better, but right now I just dont see it.
How was your day? Did you make it o.k.?

becky15 01-06-2009 07:48 PM

Re: Missing my husband
[QUOTE=showe0005;3839143]Well today was not as bad as I thought it would be, but after people told me they were glad I was back I would tell them to stop there or I would be in tears. It was hard because all the guys that worked for him really wanted to say more to me but I just could not let them.The guy that has taken his place at work did tell me he had found more personal items. I told him I would pick them up later. I still had a few times today that I just couldnt hold back the tears. And now that I am at home its hard to hold them back. I know people say it will get better, but right now I just dont see it.
How was your day? Did you make it o.k.?[/QUOTE]

becky15 01-06-2009 07:56 PM

Re: Missing my husband
I am glad you went back to work. I know how hard it had to be. Did you find it all surreal? I love my job and enjoy working but I didn;t realize that part of the happiness on my job was the fact that I had a happy marriage and a good partner. Now it is like I have to redefine myself and take on a whole new aspect to my identity. I am not Sal's wife anymore but just plain old me, steph.
My therapist recommended a grief counselor to me who called me right away. when I started crying on the phone and then apologized, she said that when you are in grief, your tears contain toxins and it is good to cry and release them otherwise they stay in your body. Wow, whether you believe that or not, it made me feel better and I hope it makes you feel better when you cry. It is so hard not to anyway. Sal would always tell me "One day at a time" and boy are these days the worst.

showe0005 01-07-2009 04:57 AM

Re: Missing my husband
It is hard being at work and knowing that he is not there. And looking around and seeing things that I know he had a hand in doing. My husband was the security manager for our place of employment. The building we work in you have to be cleared by the government to work in. So everywhere you look you see things that he put in place. Its hard but in a way it makes feel a little closer to him because I know what his job meant to him. he loved his job and was dedicated to it wholeheartedly. He was also at work by 4 am in the morning nad would be there until 3;30pm. So when you walk through the building it is almost like being at home you see him everywhere. I miss him more and more everyday. Like you said I don't know who I am anymore. At work people I don't know, knows who I am "Tom's wife" . But now I am not sure who I am. I still want and always want to be Tom's wife. I love him and miss him more everyday. He was the best thing that ever happened to me.

caringsister54 01-07-2009 07:17 AM

Re: Missing my husband

In my case, my husband was a vendor. I see the things he sold my company every day as well. I also hear his company name or overhear someone say the name of one of his co-workers and it kills me. I truly think my company is giving his company more business now than when he was alive :)

My Mikey was a big presence -- not only in personality but size. It was the obesity that resulted in his medical problems that precipitated his death.

My prayers are with you honey. God will shine the light and let you see the end of the tunnel someday at his choosing not yours unfortunately. But, you will get through the pain you are feeling.

While you will never forget your times with him or the memories of your lives, you will be given a purpose to live again.

Take Care, you are in my prayers


becky15 01-08-2009 06:39 AM

Re: Missing my husband
To showee and caring sister:
Reading your replies are comforting. Being in this new club that we didn't want to be a part of(I think caring sister said it), is so hard. Last night I called a good friend who lost his wife this past October. I had left a message for him and he didn't respond but since I lost Sal , I understood why. You just are in a numb state. We spoke last night over an hour. He is going thru the same emotions we are. He has his ways of coping and I am grateful that I found this forum. I know deep down in my heart that each day will be less and less mourning and more and more of celebrating his life with me forever. I cried at work yesterday when I heard someone discuss their vacation and it dawned on me that we had the nicest vacations together which I will have no more. So I ran to the bathroom and cried. I guess we will just continue with that.

caringsister54 01-08-2009 11:57 AM

Re: Missing my husband
I still do that. My husband wasn't only a vendor of my company where I come across or overhear the company name, etc. BUT he was a very heavy doo wopp music lover and had a substantial music collection.

Music was always playing in my house. So the Drifters, Delfonics, The Teenagers, Moonglows, Temptations, etc. that plays on the radio sometimes causes me to run to the bathroom.

Or when people are talking about their celebrations of things that I know I'll never have. I love my girlfriend deeply but when she told me she was celebrating her 25th Anniversary and I remembered that I'll never get that chance, I cried off and on all day. I flipped by being envious and angry at her to being sorry for myself. I've never been envious of another or angry at the happiness of others but since his death, it's all new to me.

I broke down seriously bad at a friend wedding watching the daddy/daughter dance! He died 7 weeks before my daughter walked across the stage to get her diploma, etc.

So yes, we all 'run to the bathroom' and run the shower, flush the toilet, or run water so no one can hear us. Even now, almost 4 years later, the tears come easy and for the love of my Mikey, they probably always will. My boyfriend understands and holds me and I do him when he is thinking of his wife and their lives.

BUT share with others those bad days, so they'll understand and help you through them. It does help.

showe0005 01-08-2009 06:46 PM

Re: Missing my husband
I had one of those run to the bathroom days today. I just could not hold the tears back today. Like you all I am thinking about vacations and our weekends at the lake and just being with him. I miss him so much. I catch myself second guessing some of the decisions we made before and during the bone marrow transplant. We live in Lexington Ky. and Tom was a huge UK fan. I am from Memphis Tn. Of all years the wildcats went to the libery bowl this year which is in Memphis. That is one time I would not have had to drag him to Memphis. Even though he didn't mind going he always had to put up a fuss and act as is I was forcing him to go.But he has 3 kids there also. So every Thanksgiving we would be in Memphis. His daughter-in-law,myself and he would be up and out of the house by 4:30 am to shop on black Friday. He loved it. He really looked forward to it. He had a obession with Kroger. My mother always said he must have stock in Kroger because were ever we are we had to go to Kroger. When he was in the hospital for the bone marrow transplant about a week before they released him, he got it in his head he wanted to go to Kroger. I told him no we would get in trouble. He pouted like a litle kid. So I finnally told him o.k. but you have to wear your mask and don't touch anything. So we told the nurses we were going for a walk and we left the hospital and went to Kroger. He walked in and walked around and was ready to go. We got back to the hospital and he was fine. When I think about this it makes me sad on one hand and makes me smile on the other hand. He was really something very special. This board has really helped me to feel that there are others out there that really do know what I am going through. My family is wanting me to move back to Memphis (my Mom and daughter) but I hate the thought of moving back there. I love it here and don't plan on moving back there. I did have Tom buried there and will be buried next to him but as far as living there I don't want to live there. Idon't have any other family here but I do have alot of good friends here and I have a good job. And my memories of him are here which I understand I will take those with me but for now I want to be here. Again I am really glad I found this board .

becky15 01-08-2009 08:36 PM

Re: Missing my husband
Thankyou caring sister. Your words are comforting

caringsister54 01-08-2009 09:09 PM

Re: Missing my husband
you are very welcome Becky.

Oh Showe005. How I wish we could meet and hold one another and have a good cry! But you are still grieving. Many months from now you may just want to move back. I understand and want to tell you that in each grief therapy session they always tell you "don't make any big decisions for the 1st year". fo hold off doing anything.

To all of us,
you may not have this where you live but when my Mikey died, the newspaper had his obituary on the net and there was a link to a guest book for him. People went there and started to write condolences or memories of him doing this or going there . .

I ended up using that web page, writing to him each night and I wrote from deep down the bad place I was in mentally. I wrote about my anger for him leaving me like he did. I wrote about the actual time of death and what he was doing and what it did for me.

I wrote and wrote and continued to write. It guest book was 'up' for one year. Before it ceased to exist, I printed out the pages and believe it or not, I'm still writing my "letters to Mikey" only its not as daily. Its whenever anything happens to me, the kids, cars, relatives, my dates, etc. I write when I'm happy, I write when I'm not. But one thing is certain, it showed me where I was mentally months ago and gives me the happiness to know how far I came. Also, each year I take a Christmas card and write a year in review letter to him about the kids, and their or my accomplishments and how much I truly miss him. I seal the card and put it in his Christmas stocking. After I'm dead, my kids are free to open the cards in order and read their lives in review. Even though God sent me a wonderful man I'm now dating, it doesn't mean I miss Mikey less or didn't love him enough, these letters to Mikey and/or the Christmas cards will show them this.

I just want to share with you his obituary 'thank you' card content that I wrote myself the day he died and I had printed. The card also contained one of my favorite pictures of him smiling.
My card says:

Michael was truly a blessed man, but we were all blessed more by knowing him, being around him, laughing with him, and loving him.

From the moment of his creation and forever more, Michael was always surrounded by people; whether it was at home, work or at play.
Even with his passing, he is not alone, for he went to join our Lord and the ones who passed before him.

To all of us he left behind, the music of his life and the memories of Michael will still play on.

Thank you on behalf of Michael's children (I named them) his siblings and their families, his mother (her name) and most of all from his wife (me) I am gratefully appreciative of your expressions of support whether it was your card, flowers, fruit baskets, phone calls, hugs, or your prayers during our difficult time.

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