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    Old 05-23-2004, 05:31 AM   #1
    babk01
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    Unhappy Spouse with ADD / Marriage Trouble

    My husband has ADD and it is causing us a lot of heartache. I do not understand how he does exceptionally well at work (he just got promoted), but at home he forgets everything. He does not forget how to do his job (he's an army infantry sargeant) or the things related to his job, but I can't get him to put things back where he found them for the life of me. If I hear the words, "Oh I forgot" one more time, I am going to have a nervous breakdown. He is currently taking adderal, but it does not seem to be working. He's only on this med because I begged him to get help. He says he can't get counseling for this because he could lose his job and when I suggested he get private counseling, off post, he said he thought that was a good idea and would look into it, but never did. We are growing apart VERY rapidly and we've only been married for a year and a half. We also have a five and a half month old baby girl. I'm sick of him. I can't stand being in the same room as him. I'm having a hard time wanting to be intimite with him. I've tried to be patient, but alll I've ended up doing is enabling him. I'm done keeping track of his things, his appointments, his computer room (which is a mess), etc. I pay all the bills, take care of the baby, cook all the meals, wash the laundry, and babysit him. I'm tired!! Any advice you guys could give me would be greatly appreciated. I'm turning 33 this month. I'm too old to be his keeper. I feel like I have two children!!
    Thank You,
    Kimberly (Nickname - Kimbo)

     
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    Old 05-23-2004, 06:42 AM   #2
    andybanandy
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    Re: Spouse with ADD / Marriage Trouble

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by babk01
    My husband has ADD and it is causing us a lot of heartache. I do not understand how he does exceptionally well at work (he just got promoted), but at home he forgets everything. He does not forget how to do his job (he's an army infantry sargeant) or the things related to his job, but I can't get him to put things back where he found them for the life of me. If I hear the words, "Oh I forgot" one more time, I am going to have a nervous breakdown. He is currently taking adderal, but it does not seem to be working. He's only on this med because I begged him to get help. He says he can't get counseling for this because he could lose his job and when I suggested he get private counseling, off post, he said he thought that was a good idea and would look into it, but never did. We are growing apart VERY rapidly and we've only been married for a year and a half. We also have a five and a half month old baby girl. I'm sick of him. I can't stand being in the same room as him. I'm having a hard time wanting to be intimite with him. I've tried to be patient, but alll I've ended up doing is enabling him. I'm done keeping track of his things, his appointments, his computer room (which is a mess), etc. I pay all the bills, take care of the baby, cook all the meals, wash the laundry, and babysit him. I'm tired!! Any advice you guys could give me would be greatly appreciated. I'm turning 33 this month. I'm too old to be his keeper. I feel like I have two children!!
    Thank You,
    Kimberly (Nickname - Kimbo)



    kimbo.

    How is your husbands mood? Is he chearfull or depressed?
    Alot of people (i personally know some) relate depression as a side effect of adderal. If he is, you could try switching to another drug, maybe research some natural ones, or keep encouraging him to do counceling.


    i dont mean to get too personal here, but from some of your above message, it appears that his add isnt the problem

    "I'm sick of him. I can't stand being in the same room as him. I'm having a hard time wanting to be intimite with him."

    can you really blame add or adderal for this?. maybe you could, maybe theres some rare side effects. you never know, maybe his troops are washing his cloths for him in the army , but it appears counceling is the answer. a counceler (specifically a marriage counceler) is needed here, if you want to have a happy relationship..

     
    Old 05-23-2004, 04:58 PM   #3
    jacobdoerr
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    Re: Spouse with ADD / Marriage Trouble

    Let him read the post you wrote. Then it will maybe hit him how important this is to you. Sounds like he needs to put more of a conscience effort into things. JACOB

     
    Old 05-24-2004, 07:55 PM   #4
    molay2
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    Re: Spouse with ADD / Marriage Trouble

    hi my husband has ADHD too i had to realize that the things he did, not all of the time he did on purpose, like i finally decided that he did not leave cabinet doors open to make me mad. what happens is that the thought fires in the brain but then it is not picked up and completed it stops and another thought begins. i put up with a lot i understand how you feel. i focused most all of my energy into my two boys, and tried not to feel so alone. we have been married for 10 years and i love him but i had to accpet a lot. i tried everything you name it and not untill he thought he was going crazy did he listen to me about medication he had tried some things off and on but now he knows that he is not pleasent for ANYONE to be around and he doesn't even like himself. he feels the difference with meds and without, and those around him know if he has forgotten. we own a car lot so the energy level is great for business. i understand the military thing too but being wound that tight is not good for his health. my husband works out 6 days a week likes a beer or too and eats healthy, but when he went to the doctor finally, he had dangerously high blood pressure. he got on a couple of different drugs but what has been the best is lexipro i think that is how it is spelled, it is an antidepressant. i always say it gave him a personality. but what it has done is just slow him down enough to GET what is going on around him. you don't need to give up but if he will not listen to you and understand that nothing is WRONG with him and get help then things will be very hard. you will have to find a way to present it to him so that he doesn't get offended many of those talks resulted in the "i hate you" battle for me. i understood him because ADD and ADHD run in my family. too we were dealing with it with my oldest son so i think that helped him understand. i wish you much luck if i can answer any questions or help in any way mail me.
    michelle

     
    Old 05-26-2004, 10:13 PM   #5
    firebug31
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    Re: Spouse with ADD / Marriage Trouble

    Babk

    Phewy, you are in trouble by the sounds of your post. I am currently getting divorced and I am the ADDer of our relationship. I have been married for 14 years in June but only have known about ADHD for year now. We have had our ups and downs for many years. First of all it doesn't sound like you want this thing to work out and I sympathize for you. If you do want this to work I would suggest you learn as much as possible about ADHD along with Hubby. If you can get himto go to counseling you need to go with.

    It's funny you say he does so well at work but not at home. BINGO! Thats me. The things he does at home believe me he doesn't mean to and/or he may not even be aware of it especially if you haven't told him which it sounds like you are at the stage where you two are not communicating effectively.

    You have a long hard road ahead of you but if you really love him and want to try it is going to take more than a year and half of patience on both sides of the fence.

    Good luck

     
    Old 05-30-2004, 04:46 AM   #6
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    Re: Spouse with ADD / Marriage Trouble

    I am trully sorry to hear that you feel you have to raise your husband. I have a 14 year old son with ADD. My brother in law was diagnosed with ADHD in college. Come to find out, he was having problem all through high school. Know ing what we know now about the disease , there is so much information.
    You need to do alot of research on this. It will help you understand what he is going through. Also the military doc don't know a whole lot about this. They are just now figure it out. See us military people put our trust in them and they just aren't getting it. Please understand that I am not trying to knock the military. My husband has been serving for 15 yrs. And being stationed in Korea isn't helping my 14 year olds medical condintion. If your husband is just starting his meds, maybe they aren't strong enough for him. If he is on a certain medication that won't last all day and all night, you are not going to get him to do things for you. Being in the Military, he's not going to be home at 5pm and do CHORES... and have everything you want done before his meds wear off. So working together and figuring out how to work with this disease is your only hope. RESEARCH is you big key....

     
    Old 08-10-2004, 03:10 PM   #7
    buffman
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    Re: Spouse with ADD / Marriage Trouble

    You're sick of him??? If you still love him enough try understanding that he's not doing this intentionally. Taking meds is great but he needs an add coach. Someone whom will work with him and help him change his negative behaviors. If you aren't willing to endure the strain of helping him and understanding he needs your support then get out now and stop wasting his time.

     
    Old 08-11-2004, 10:39 AM   #8
    Jennita
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    Re: Spouse with ADD / Marriage Trouble

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by babk01
    My husband has ADD and it is causing us a lot of heartache. I do not understand how he does exceptionally well at work (he just got promoted), but at home he forgets everything. He does not forget how to do his job (he's an army infantry sargeant) or the things related to his job, but I can't get him to put things back where he found them for the life of me. If I hear the words, "Oh I forgot" one more time, I am going to have a nervous breakdown. He is currently taking adderal, but it does not seem to be working. He's only on this med because I begged him to get help. He says he can't get counseling for this because he could lose his job and when I suggested he get private counseling, off post, he said he thought that was a good idea and would look into it, but never did. We are growing apart VERY rapidly and we've only been married for a year and a half. We also have a five and a half month old baby girl. I'm sick of him. I can't stand being in the same room as him. I'm having a hard time wanting to be intimite with him. I've tried to be patient, but alll I've ended up doing is enabling him. I'm done keeping track of his things, his appointments, his computer room (which is a mess), etc. I pay all the bills, take care of the baby, cook all the meals, wash the laundry, and babysit him. I'm tired!! Any advice you guys could give me would be greatly appreciated. I'm turning 33 this month. I'm too old to be his keeper. I feel like I have two children!!
    Thank You,
    Kimberly (Nickname - Kimbo)
    Ok, from my experience, this is typical male stuff, not ADD, ADHD, depression, or whatever. Even my brother-in-law, who does take care of kids and chores, has his flaws in those areas as my sister-in-law still complains he doesn't get this done or that.....and he's the most helpful male I know. The rest I know are alot like your husband. I do believe males have a tendency to put one thing as priority (usually job) and everything else is not as important.

    Now, before any males here get upset at my comments, I'm not saying that's a bad thing. It's just a different way males view things compared to females. Females want everything to run clean and smooth on the homefront....neat house, bills paid timely, children dressed and fed at proper times, etc. Males will go out, work hard, because being successful at work is their priority and instinct to take care of the family's needs. Everything else is just as it comes.

    They are simply not interested in keeping house or things of that nature. To tell you the truth, it's lucky just to get one that will help out at all.

    If your husband truly had ADD, he would not be successful at work I guarentee!

    If he says he "forgets" to do things, it's a convenient answer for "he doesn't want to".

    Again, this is not bad. I wouldn't do things I didn't want to either. Unfortuately, it is also too much for you! You are surely an exausted mess.

    So counseling may help him understand your situation, or perhaps you could get some domestic help for the house? Don't cook everynight....that's something I learned that helps, along with literally no ironing. I announced this one day, saying to my husband and older kids: buy permanent press/no wrinkle or live with the consequences!!!! I usually will take a wrinkled item though, hang it and spray water on it; usually that works and is fast; easy.

    I know with a small child, it's a very trying time energy wise. I've been there. The time will come when the child will not be so much work. Try to find ways to make your chores easier....for example, I am the one who washes the cars(I seem to be the only one who hate really dirty cars) but I found that new Mr. Clean no rinse system and it's a piece of cake now.

    But I know it's not as easy as all that, since your husband has also caused you to be repulsed by him with all this going on. So the counseling idea that was mentioned by other posters really is a good place to start......

    By the way, get him off that drug because it can cause alot of health problems in the future for him; also has been linked to aggressive behavior, mood swings, and depression. It's obviously not helping the situation anyway.

     
    Old 08-12-2004, 02:11 PM   #9
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    Re: Spouse with ADD / Marriage Trouble

    You might read Gabor Mate's Scattered: How ADD Originates and What You Can do About It. Mate will give you a much broader understanding of how ADD affects an individual's lifelong emotional makeup and his/her ability to connect and communicate with other people. This book may be invaluable in helping you and your husband to understand ADD as something which affects your relationship to one another in a much much deeper way than just a series of misunderstandings and arguments about forgetfulness, spaciness and irresponsibility.

    You will have difficulty trying to locate a reputable psychotherapist who will encourage you to understand your husband's behavior in terms of male and female gender identity. I'd avoid that approach as it will probably prove un-useful and may obscure real problems.
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    Old 08-12-2004, 11:56 PM   #10
    Tragic Comic
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    Re: Spouse with ADD / Marriage Trouble

    Well, I can tell you from first-hand experience that a man can make changes with his behavior caused by ADD. Your story is only similar to mine where your frustration level is at. My ex-wife (hint, hint) was frustrated as well, but when she decided to up and leave (we have two children) without counseling (or anything else), it woke me up. I immediately went into therapy and read up on ADD. I found that awareness, for me, was the key. I made major changes in my life and I'm better for it. I have a long way to go and plenty of behavior issues that I'd like changed, but I have to be patient as does anyone who wants a close relationship with me.

    The problem that I had was that I truly believe that my ex-wife just didn't want to be in the marriage. ADD was a very good excuse and she used it. I actually threw her a curve ball by making changes and "waking up" to some of my behaviors that were causing problems in our marriage. She didn't expect it and didn't know how to react.

    Needless to say, she left anyway (for someone without ADD, I came to find out - go figure). I'm not sure which side of that fence you are on, but if the threat of losing his wife and child could wake him up, he deserves that chance at least, in my opinion.

    The question to you is, if he "wakes up", are you willing to stick it out with him and support him as he struggles with the ups and downs of managing his life?


    Tragic Comic

    Last edited by Tragic Comic; 08-12-2004 at 11:59 PM. Reason: Grammar fix!

     
    Old 08-13-2004, 11:56 AM   #11
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    Re: Spouse with ADD / Marriage Trouble

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Tragic Comic
    Well, I can tell you from first-hand experience that a man can make changes with his behavior caused by ADD. Your story is only similar to mine where your frustration level is at. My ex-wife (hint, hint) was frustrated as well, but when she decided to up and leave (we have two children) without counseling (or anything else), it woke me up. I immediately went into therapy and read up on ADD. I found that awareness, for me, was the key. I made major changes in my life and I'm better for it. I have a long way to go and plenty of behavior issues that I'd like changed, but I have to be patient as does anyone who wants a close relationship with me.

    The problem that I had was that I truly believe that my ex-wife just didn't want to be in the marriage. ADD was a very good excuse and she used it. I actually threw her a curve ball by making changes and "waking up" to some of my behaviors that were causing problems in our marriage. She didn't expect it and didn't know how to react.

    Needless to say, she left anyway (for someone without ADD, I came to find out - go figure). I'm not sure which side of that fence you are on, but if the threat of losing his wife and child could wake him up, he deserves that chance at least, in my opinion.

    The question to you is, if he "wakes up", are you willing to stick it out with him and support him as he struggles with the ups and downs of managing his life?


    Tragic Comic
    ADD can be used as an excuse to get out of a marriage for sure. Marriage is too disposible these days. And people think gay marriage will destroy the family.......

     
    Old 08-13-2004, 12:36 PM   #12
    Tragic Comic
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    Re: Spouse with ADD / Marriage Trouble

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Jennita
    ADD can be used as an excuse to get out of a marriage for sure. Marriage is too disposible these days. And people think gay marriage will destroy the family.......
    You are absolutely correct...on both counts!


    Tragic Comic

     
    Old 08-16-2004, 05:21 PM   #13
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    Re: Spouse with ADD / Marriage Trouble

    ADD/ADHD sure puts a lot of pressure on a relationship, all too many times. I know, been there done that.

    What I have learned is that there are a lot more people out there with it than without it, so it seems to me anyway. IT is a struggle at times with my daughter, and a struggle at times with the spouse.

    Take some time for you and remove yourself from the situation for awhile to see if that helps so you can sort out the priorities in your life. WHen I am about to lose it, or when I cannot tolerate it anymore, I allow myself to take a break. It keeps me sane and allows me "my special time" rather than taking care of everyone elses emergency, or lack of planning.....which is notorious for ADDers. ...and me as well sometimes too I suppose.

    I have found through divorce and the relationships I have been in since my divorce that I do not do relationships well.......or who I choose to be with are not the right person for me. Life can be very long, yet it goes by so quickly, make sure you place yourself in a situation where you will be happy.

     
    Old 08-18-2004, 04:15 PM   #14
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    Re: Spouse with ADD / Marriage Trouble

    I would also like to add that my husband was military and by their standards YOU MUST DO YOUR JOB...NO EXCUSES! They don't care what your ailments are! There is a difference between being in the military and being a civilian and a BIG difference on what yur employer expects of you. That being said, your husband has NO choice but to succeed at his military job...POINT BLANK! You need to take time to understand this disease and try to work it out with him, but IMO from your post, you aren't willing to do that. Well if that is the case, no matter what is said here, your mind is made up, so you might as well get out of your marriage now because if he is just enlisted his military career will be for a few more years.

     
    Old 08-18-2004, 11:44 PM   #15
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    Re: Spouse with ADD / Marriage Trouble

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by babk01
    My husband has ADD and it is causing us a lot of heartache. I do not understand how he does exceptionally well at work (he just got promoted), but at home he forgets everything. He does not forget how to do his job (he's an army infantry sargeant) or the things related to his job, but I can't get him to put things back where he found them for the life of me. If I hear the words, "Oh I forgot" one more time, I am going to have a nervous breakdown. He is currently taking adderal, but it does not seem to be working. He's only on this med because I begged him to get help. He says he can't get counseling for this because he could lose his job and when I suggested he get private counseling, off post, he said he thought that was a good idea and would look into it, but never did. We are growing apart VERY rapidly and we've only been married for a year and a half. We also have a five and a half month old baby girl. I'm sick of him. I can't stand being in the same room as him. I'm having a hard time wanting to be intimite with him. I've tried to be patient, but alll I've ended up doing is enabling him. I'm done keeping track of his things, his appointments, his computer room (which is a mess), etc. I pay all the bills, take care of the baby, cook all the meals, wash the laundry, and babysit him. I'm tired!! Any advice you guys could give me would be greatly appreciated. I'm turning 33 this month. I'm too old to be his keeper. I feel like I have two children!!
    Thank You,
    Kimberly (Nickname - Kimbo)
    Kimberly,

    Wow! I feel like we're kindered spirits. I am having the exact same issues with my husband and then some. We have been married a little over a year (but together for the past 10). We also have a baby girl, just about to turn five months old and a seven year old son.

    The reason I came on this site tonight was after I tried to find out as much as I can about the side effects of Adderall (which my husband also takes). I am so burnt out and am hoping maybe the issues he has are related to the medication.

    He has zero sex drive and it is a constant topic of conversation in our house. Of course I take it personally, like there's something wrong with me. I've also wondered if he's having an affair, but don't know when or where he would fit it in to his schedule. He always has an excuse for not being intimate (usually because he's to tired). We have had sex a total of two times in nine months, and we're newlyweds!!!

    Secondly, he seems on edge at all times and my son and I are always the ones that he takes it out on. I don't understand why we are supposed to be the people he loves most, but he doesn't treat anybody else the way he treats us. I've also read that anger can be a side effect of adderall. He just seems like a miserable person to me and he never used to be. I can't help but to think that he resents me.

    He is also has amazing work ethic and does very well on the job, but it's like we see a different person when he gets home. I feel like I'm a single parent living with a roommate. He doesn't even remotely help with the kids. The baby will cry and it's like he doesn't even hear her. He never just picks her up, but only when he's asked to. In her five months on earth he has never gotten up with her at night, never bathed her, changed her diapers maybe five times, dressed her maybe twice, put her to bed once, etc. Again, I don't know if this is add related, or if he's just a crappy father.

    I have loved this guy for so long, but am now questioning if we can stick this out. Unfortunately, we don't have insurance because it costs $800/month through his employer, so counseling is out of the question. He has a psychiatrist that he sees occasionally to get his adderall prescription, but he would never open up and talk about our problems (even when directly asked).

    I'm soooo frustrated, but take comfort in knowing I'm not the only one. How long has your husband been taking adderall?

     
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