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  • need help knowing if its me or him

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    Old 12-06-2004, 09:40 PM   #1
    latalis
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    Exclamation Help Me With This Please

    I am currently 20 years old and beginning to think that my one and only love has add. We argue mostly about him not spending time with me, having a title and commitments. he blows up when i say something, he doesnt see my point and nothing changes. He tells me i run im in circle but i feel like when im with him he runs me in circles. he can not make plans because he will forget and drinks and smoke pot like crazy to forget about things does this seem like a person with add? am i going crazy and what can i do to make the situation worth it to him? how can i bring it up to him to get checked? i need him he makes me sad and upset and doesnt seem to care, when we fight he runs from it and turns it around on me. i love him and want to help him but am feeling like im jumping from a cliff. any advice please let me know thank u

    Last edited by latalis; 12-06-2004 at 09:52 PM.

     
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    Old 12-07-2004, 09:05 AM   #2
    BLUE EYED LADY
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    Re: Help Me With This Please

    Hi Latalis,
    I am sorry you are going through this and I felt compelled to reply. I have been married to a man with ADHD for almost 19 years.(I will decsribe my life with him in the next paragraph.) Based on the information I read in your post, it is very possible your boyfriend may have ADHD. However, I am even more concerned about the mention of drugs and alcohol and the mention of him "getting angry." that you wrote. I see nothing but heartache and pain for you if you stay with him. You are young and still have plenty of time to find someone that will love and respect you. Your relationship will just get worse as time goes on as well as it becoming harder for you to break off with him. My advice for you is to seek counseling for yourself to help you with this and to also avoid making the same mistakes in the future.
    I met my husband when I was 25 years old and what drew me to him was I felt he was easy to talk to. We were engaged within 6 months and married within 11 months after we started dating. My parents were concerned and did not want me to marry him because he did not have a history of stable jobs.(My parents's were so sure I was making a mistake that they did NOT come to our wedding.) He changed jobs frequently and I just thought he did not find the right job and this would not be a problem. Also, I always had a steady job as a registered nurse - had my BS degree and I thought my parents just did not think he was good enough because he did not have a college degree. (he was working on and off as a mechanic.) He found a job working as a mechanic when I was dating him for a bus Co., then the owner's business went under and never got paid for about 2 or 3 weeks of work. Then he found another job and would up getting cut back to part time when we got back from our honeymoon. I encouraged him to look for a job as an assistant mananger which he held and seemed to really like and then when I was 8 months pregnant with our son - got fired. (The explanation never made any sense.) He later became a manager at an automotive store and went back to college and got his Associates Degree but never got his BS degree which has prevented him from getting many jobs he has applied for.)
    Anyway, to make a very long story as short as possible - my husband was dignosed with ADHD about 5 years ago, a few years after my son was diagnosed. I was reading a book on adults with ADHD which talked about how it is common for them to misplase and lose things, forget things, often have short fuses - get angry easily, trouble holding onto jobs - get bored easily on the job, or trouble keeping focused etc.) Well it sounded just like my husband. He also came from a very dysfunctional and abusive childhood. I did not realize that until after we were married. So besides the ADHD, he had issues that caused problems in our marriage that had to be dealt with.
    Being married to him is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have made him go for counseling through the years and he is a much better husband then he ever was, HOWEVER - my life has been very difficult and very stressful. He has lost or quit his job more than 20 times in our marriage. He is currently out of work again (was laid off 3 months ago.) If I had to do it all over again, I NEVER would have married him. I have not left him because I have seen him trying very hard to change and I take our marriage vows as a sacred convenant with God.
    The point I really want to get across to you is if you are having problems now - when a relationship should be at its best - it will get WORSE as time goes on. Also, if you have friends or family with concerns about someone you are dating - PLEASE LISTEN TO THEM. It is very hard for us to be objective when we fall in love with someone.
    GET OUT NOW and before you get in a relationship with someone else, please go for counseling to find out why you were willing to date someone who doesn't treat you properly. (I went for counseling last year, and it really helped me.)
    May God Bless you. I will pray for you.

     
    Old 12-07-2004, 12:42 PM   #3
    Z'sMom
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    Re: need help knowing if its me or him

    Stop and think about what you've said. To paraphrase:

    You are in a relationship with someone who doesn't spend enough time with you, has self-control/anger management issues, probably has substance control issues, is manipulative, and makes you feel like YOU are crazy.

    Whether or not he has ADD, these behaviors are learned and it is only thur his OWN desire to change for the better that they can be overcome. At 20, this love seems to be "the one" and I know your desire is to sacrifice whatever is needed to "save" the boyfriend. We were all there, at one time, in some way...at least I was.

    The question - to me - is not whether he has ADD. He may. THE REAL QUESTION IS, DO YOU PLACE A HIGHER VALUE ON BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP THAN IN BEING IN THE RIGHT RELATIONSHIP? You sound like you are very alone in this relationship...and if things are this rough now, they are likely only to get rougher.

    Please consider. Even if he is ADD, reaches out for medication, and makes some progress, his core personality and THE WAY IN WHICH HE TREATS YOU will only change when he wants it to. Are you willing to take that kind of "next place" in his life or allow him to continue to be the priority in yours?

     
    Old 12-07-2004, 01:38 PM   #4
    rd1978
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    Re: need help knowing if its me or him

    you sound like you know what your looking for in a relationship,,,your other half doesnt and who knows when he will want to be the "guy your looking for" from him esp will the drug and alcohol use,, at the age of 20 your young ,, and it prob will not get better,,, he might straighten out a bit but i dont see it happining soon ,, you said he doesnt want to committ ,, if he doesnt want a committment then find the guy who is going to treat you right!! and be there for you when you need him,, ive been out and out of the same relationship for the past 5 years and now i think im out completely at the age of 26 starting all over again,,, ive realized you need to make it work,, but you cant put the other half's work in to,, as far as him being add i dont know only a doctor would know,,, "" why would you want to make someone your priority when they are making you there option""

     
    Old 12-07-2004, 07:59 PM   #5
    JT95
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    Re: Help Me With This Please

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by latalis
    what can i do to make the situation worth it to him?

    You can't do anything, to be honest. If he doesn't see worth in the relationship, there is nothing you can do to make him more attentive, caring, interested, etc. This may sound cruel, but your best bet is to break up with him. The people who have already commented are right--dating is the relaxed, easy, fun part of a relationship. I'm not saying things go downhill in life once you get married. BUT, if you have a difficult relationship from the start, it will go downhill...quickly. Trying to "fix" a partner in order to heal a relationship is like you trying to eat healthier for someone else--it doesn't work that way. Get out now. That may be harsh, but you have a long life ahead of you with LOTS more love/relationship opportunities to come.

    Last edited by JT95; 12-07-2004 at 07:59 PM.

     
    Old 12-07-2004, 08:41 PM   #6
    latalis
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    Re: Help Me With This Please

    i have been to a counseling but i still feel the same, she informed me because of my parents abusive relationship i witnessed as a young child she thinks i feed of it and think its okay. i know it wrong and i hard thing to work thru but i see good and he sees bad. we had broken up in june and were not together again til oct and i was doing fgood but i missed him and wanted to still be with him he showed me a good side again and the minute i asked for a title took everything back. im confused angry hurt and sad. DEPRESSED he doesnt seem to care at least he doesnt act like he does

     
    Old 12-08-2004, 02:20 PM   #7
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    Re: Help Me With This Please

    Latalis,
    You are not going to change someone else. Someone can only change themselves with God's help and they have to have a sincere desire to do it from within. I don't know how long you were in counseling, but I have a feeling not long enough. This relationship will continue to make you very unhappy and will get more difficult as time goes on. PLEASE KNOW YOU DESERVE BETTER and get out now before you wind up pregnant. Your life will be filled with heartache and pain. Please listen to all the advice you have received.
    You need to learn what a good healthy loveing relationship is BEFORE you become involved with someone else. I had a feeling from you first post that you grew up in an abusive home. You need to get healed of that before you can have a loving relationship with a man. You can do much better AND YOU DESERVE BETTER.
    Please call and make an apt with your counselor again and continue to go. If you did not like the person you went to find another counselor. The rest of your life and your future children's lives depend on it. Don't you want them to grow up in a safe, secure loving home? If you do not break the cycle - it will continue for generations to come. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!
    I will continue to pray for you.

     
    Old 12-08-2004, 06:48 PM   #8
    sawbuck44
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    Re: need help knowing if its me or him

    To quote blue eyed lady "You need to learn what a good healthy loveing relationship is BEFORE you become involved with someone else." That is sooo true and probably the most hard thing to do because people like to have someone to love. My only hindsight is that I did not live alone to discover myself. Didn't travel or do any fun stuff. Went from living at home with a job to living with a guy whom I eventually married. Been working since I was 15 - now I'm ____ (lol) with two children. Pretty much happy but we have our troubles as any marriage does. Long-term commitments need to be looked at as such. Right now you are thinking too much in the present. I know, I've had relationships that when ended I thought I would die. We all do. The thing to realize is that you need to seriously picture how things would be a few years from now. Nothing will have changed. You would still have the same aggravations with a lot of other ones on top. Not saying people can't change...but you can't change people. You can only 'react' to them differently to get a different (and hopefully better) response from them. So if you see yourself in a situation that plays out over and over again - you need to change how you respond to it. Think about the things that set off arguments and write down different ways to react. Then try a few. See the reactions you get. If they are still the same with no improvement, it may be a lost cause.

    It's okay to be alone. The longing for him will diminish and you will find someone. The important thing is to not think you cannot live without him. Look at the situation with your head, not your heart. Be true to yourself.
    __________________
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    Old 12-08-2004, 09:23 PM   #9
    latalis
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    Re: need help knowing if its me or him

    sawbuck44
    thanks for the advice since the last fight where i went completly crazy he will not call me and if i call him he will talk then i ask him to hang out and he tells me it wont work because of my episode ive been told to give him time that he will come back what do u suggest?

     
    Old 12-09-2004, 01:50 PM   #10
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    Re: need help knowing if its me or him

    Take it as a blessing that he does not want to see you. Please look at the situation objectively. Why do you want to be with someone who does not treat you right, does drugs, drinks, has a temper and I have a feeling may not even be steadily employed.
    Your life will be a constant rollercoaster of unhappiness if you stay with him. Please go for counseling to help you through this. Try keeping yourself busy by spending time with family and or friends. You need to be with loving supportive people- especially now.
    You called this man your best friend. NO FRIEND would treat you like he has. He is not a friend to you.

     
    Old 12-09-2004, 03:42 PM   #11
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    Re: need help knowing if its me or him

    Maybe just a little bit of a LOT of time. Sounds like you two are back and forth too much and that is adding to the anxiety. You know what they say 'set someone free and if they come back to you, it was meant to be.' Stop calling, get busy with something else, and in a few weeks see where you are at.
    __________________
    If you open the door even a little bit - the devil will fling it open. Keep it closed with prayer.

     
    Old 02-17-2005, 07:06 AM   #12
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    Re: need help knowing if its me or him

    .......oops sorry wrong post

     
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