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ADHD parent of child - HELP

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Old 05-30-2006, 07:06 PM   #1
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pinkycindy HB User
Unhappy ADHD parent of child - HELP

I just found out my child has ADHD nonattentive and am very frustrated with lots of things. How do I keep my anger down and my frustration level down? What do I do when I find homework not done until the last minute and then she takes three hours to finish a three page document?

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Old 05-30-2006, 10:11 PM   #2
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rheanna HB Userrheanna HB User
Re: ADHD parent of child - HELP


As someone with nonattentive ADD myself, I can imagine your frustration at having to live with and be the parent of someone like your daughter. But may I ask you some questions to help you sort out what you're going through?

What are you expecting/hoping to accomplish with your anger?

--To make her feel bad for her behavior so she'll want to change? She already feels bad. She's been told her entire life that she doesn't measure up to other people's expectations.

--To make her afraid of your displeasure so that she behaves better in the future so that you will be nice to her? She CAN'T change based on either your anger or positive feelings. Her brain isn't wired like other people's. Your anger will only add fear to the shame and inadequacy she already feels.

--To make yourself feel better so that you feel that you are doing your duty as a parent? I recognize that you feel frustration at your daughter's behavior. It doesn't make sense to you that an otherwise intelligent person can "take three hours to finish a three page document" or who puts off homework until the last minute. This isn't what you would do, and you get angry in an attempt to do SOMETHING to make a change in your daughter.

But your brain is wired differently from hers. She needs training in how to work within her own brain structure, and perhaps even some meds to help her focus. It would be helpful for both of you to see a person who specializes in ADD to learn some techniques for attending to tasks that keep slipping from your daughter's mind. She isn't doing this to make you angry. She needs some help with "outside" structure (which you as well as her teachers can provide) while she learns how to organize her life with a brain that can't organize things. This will take years.

Perhaps some other parents of ADD kids will chime in here and give you some practical tips. As I never became a parent, I cannot give you these practical tips. But I can tell you that anger isn't going to help either you or your daughter.

Best of luck. I'm sure that my parents and my teachers, and even a few of my bosses, were frustrated at what looked like my being lazy or forgetful or deliberately NOT doing something, and they all assumed that I could do better if I tried. It ain't easy having ADD. It also ain't easy being the parent (or teacher or boss) of someone with ADD.


Old 05-31-2006, 11:28 AM   #3
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pinkycindy HB User
Unhappy Re: ADHD parent of child - HELP


Thanks for your wisdom. This is hard because I know it is not her fault. I knew and know she has neurological problems which thank g-d are diagnosed now. I just don't know what to do with her routine now, how to organize her now at home... I am just at a loss. Sometimes I feel weepy and I know I need to see someone. My husband has new insurance as of tomorrow so I will be calling someone. I hope that once she gets on her mediation, changes will start sooner rather than later. Her sociability needs help and I feel sad that I can't help her. I think her age (10) may be too old to help her call people, I am not sure.

I hope parents of ADHD will look at my message because I really need help.

Old 06-01-2006, 07:37 AM   #4
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coffeegirl2 HB User
Re: ADHD parent of child - HELP


Have you ever read the 'parenting logic books 1-2-3' or 1-2-3 Magic books, can't remember the name very well? My tdoc recommended the book to us when are son was dx'd with ADHD/FAE/RAD. It helped a lot with how we reacted towards his problems as parents.

He was adopted from Russia in 2001, and is six. He mostly has problems with impulse control more than anything and is not able to comprehend his limits and boundaries with people or able to figure out that it is inappropriate to touch others and how far he can push another person.

We use praise, goal setting, and rewards for ways to help him with his ADHD. It has been the only way for him that works. Sticker charts also work too, but not as well. He has to have a visual to see what he is working towards and then know he can obtain it- and then do it. i.e.- a movie at the end of the week, go out for supper with dad (only), go golfing, swimming, play at a park, etc. All rewards.

He enjoys reading. Reading is a huge reward. If he reads x amount of books, ice cream is the main goal to work for at his favorite ice cream joint.

Those are things we work for with him. Small leaps and bounds. It has been very difficult, and not an easy task. He has came a long way. Small baby steps. With reading, I only do one page at a time, and then increase, to two, three, and four.... per book type.

You are doing a good job. Give yourself credit. It is difficult being a mom regardless of a childs needs. I have Bipolar Disorder, so it is difficult for me to sometimes be a mommy to my sons. Life is a challenge. It is just what we make of it and how we handle the cards we are dealt with.


a loving heart is the truest wisdom

Old 06-05-2006, 02:20 PM   #5
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pinkycindy HB User
Re: ADHD parent of child - HELP


Thank you. Heck, I have a temper issue. Thankyou for the reference on the book. I will look into it. My daughter does not really like to read. I think it is because she knows she does not do well. I just found out she is at 4th grade reading level when she is graduating 5th grade this year. I knew this but she did not want to stay back last year and the child has to be 100% okay to do this because of the peer issues that will come out of this different change.

My daughter has ADHD nonattentive disorder so my patients is straining with her. Sometimes I feel like I need to take long walks because I need to get this frustration out. It would probably do some good. I have to make time for this. More time in a hectic schedule already. I know I am complaining but sometimes it just feels good to get it out.


Old 06-05-2006, 04:53 PM   #6
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Johna HB User
Re: ADHD parent of child - HELP

Has the thought ever occured to you that maybe you have ADD/ADHD also? ADD/ADHD oftens runs in the family and general does not skip a generation. Please try to remember that she did not ask to have this disorder. As far as school ask for a child study meeting. There is a good chance she will qualify for either Special Education or a 504 plan.
Good Luck!

Old 06-06-2006, 06:13 AM   #7
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pinkycindy HB User
Re: ADHD parent of child - HELP

I know I have a little of ADD (comprehension). My husband has it more yet he has no time to get it diagnosed. He thinks also. I know that she did not ask for this. It seems like everyone thinks I don't know this. Now that I know what is going on, I am trying to deal with things differently. I was just asking for parental support not bashing - if that is what you are doing.

Old 07-14-2006, 08:26 PM   #8
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Re: ADHD parent of child - HELP


I know what you are going through with your daughter. My step son is the same way. He is a little better when he takes his meds. during the school year. When you describe your daughter and your anger it makes me think you are talking about us. I wish the best for you. I know it is very hard. Then I have my daughter who is Adhd active. So we have a real fun time here.

Old 07-15-2006, 07:01 AM   #9
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index.html HB User
Re: ADHD parent of child - HELP

Originally Posted by pinkycindy
What do I do when I find homework not done until the last minute and then she takes three hours to finish a three page document?
Have you tried sitting down and helping her with her homework? No kid wants to spend 3 hours on homework; if she could do it faster, she would.

I don't think Johna was "bashing" you when she asked if you had considered the possibility that you might have ADD. I think she was suggesting that perhaps some of the reason that you get so frustrated with your daughter is because you may also have the same disability. ADD is often hereditary so it was a reasonable question.

ADD children are frustrating. They do try your patience. They aren't always easy to parent. I feel for you.

I think you are on the right track in recognizing that you have anger issues and need to deal with them. Taking more walks/getting more exercise is an excellent idea! Perhaps some counselling would help you as well?

Last edited by index.html; 07-15-2006 at 03:39 PM.

Old 07-15-2006, 07:45 AM   #10
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nameisabby30 HB User
Re: ADHD parent of child - HELP

You know the same thing happened to myself when my son would come home with his homework.And that was before his meds.We put him on his meds and he was able to function.

A normal day for my son in grade 1 at school would be he would distract the class just so he couldn't do his work.He would break pencils.He would be in time outs.He would be sent to the office.And this is grade 1.

We put him on meds and took an ADHD parenting course to learn to deal with our son.It was a very informative class.We learned alot and we figured why he would distract the class.

The reason was because he didn't know how to do the subject and that's why he distracted because he was frustrated and if he didn't do the work in a timely fashion he would get in trouble.So think back to when you were in school,if you have a time limit,and you don't understand what your doing,do you think you'd get it right?

Kids with ADHD are frustrating to parents.But they are frustrated with themselves because parents and teachers push and push them expecting them to do something they can't do or understand and that's also a reason for behaviour problems also.{Why bother to try if I'm going to get it wrong?And then just get in trouble.}They need alot of praise when they actually do something right or make the right choices.ADHD kids get alot of negative attention,but give more positive,because their self esteem hurts too.

I hope this makes sense?

Old 07-16-2006, 10:03 AM   #11
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voice23 HB User
Re: ADHD parent of child - HELP

Oh can I sympathize with your situation. I am not sure whether to continue my situation in this thread or start my own, but I am dealing with a similar situation here. I am just lost, frustrated, angry and feeling totally helpless.

I recently married into a family knowing there were some special needs. But as the last 6 years came and went, I saw absolutly no changes in the situation at all. In the beginning I dealt with a 9 year old with ADD/ADHD and it was somewhat manageable (my tolerance and frustration) because of the relative age of the child.

But now, she is 15 and has absolutely no improvement in the issues we deal with at all. She has also since been diagnosed with OCD, PDD, Shadow Autism, and a degree of retardation.

She is not a stupid child by any means. (As is the case of most of these children). She is a very loving, compassionate, caring, forgiving child. The problem is, with these disorders combined, she is generally the most obnoxious, annoying, high maintenance child on the face of this earth.

My primary issue is the way to deal with these issues. It is a problem in my marriage. My lack of intolerance for the child and recently her mother for her failure to enforce any guidelines, expecations, or standards has driven us to the brink of a divorce.

The big key I have seen in this forum, many books, and other sources is; expectations. Another focus is the picking and choosing battles. But when every single thing you deal with starts out as a crisis anymore, it is so hard to tell the difference.

If I had to pick one specific battle - it has always been, the high maintenance of this child. Her incessant, continuous, non-stop babbling. There is not a minute of a day where I do not hear her voice. If it is not interupting a conversation between my wife and I, it is a persistent state of crisis that this child creates herself.

I would give anything to have a conversation with my wife - from beginning to end. Not being interupted or this child thinking she needs to be a part of it. From the minute she gets up in the morning, to the hour it takes to get her to bed, it is a non-stop redirection of tasks, reinforcement of social rules, focusing, and dealing with innapropriate social behavior. There is hardly a 5 minute period during the day where I can have time with my wife. My wife has no clue what this is doing to our marriage.

Anyway, I could go on and on. Maybe I should start my own thread. My point here is to offer a little sympathy for your frustration. I feel your pain and helplessness. I hoe we are able to find some answers.

Bless you and your family. They are a gift from G-d. I just hope He has a gift receipt.

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