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  • I NEED your thoughts; Be warned, not for faint of heart

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    Old 04-07-2008, 04:44 AM   #1
    Nelo1's Avatar
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    Nelo1 HB User
    I NEED your thoughts; Be warned, not for faint of heart

    I want to start from the beginning; this will be LONG, but it's important that every thing is known- I need your advice and expirience because this is the last step before the professional help kicks in.

    Through reasons that will become clear later, I have been diagnosed with PTSD, ADD, Mood disordered not otherwise specified, and Bulimia.

    I come from a house hold that was physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive; Growing up, my mother (Whom I think is consider Bulimic:Non-purging or EDNOS) and father divorced when I was seven. My sister was extremely mentally unbalanced and my family fell apart while I was forced to become the caregiver of the family.

    My mother became obsessed with her weight a few years later, stress packing on about forty pounds and she started to go on crazy crash diets, excersizing obsessively, and spiraling into depression. She made me be her diet buddy, calling me fat, pudgy, and round so I would do it with her. She wouln't let me have sweets, grounding me for a week or so if she found empty food wrappers she didn't approve of. As her behaviour got more erractic, she started to guilt me/force me into eating unhealthy food.

    We would go out to eat and she would order a salad and make me eat a full meal and finish it or bring home huge amounts of fast food to make me eat the rest of the weak; I developed binge eating disorder and went from a healthy 145 to 210.

    Eventually, I couldn't take it, fights would escalate, and I would be kicked out- finally moving in with my just remarried dad. My stepmom, an also weight obsessed alcholic, made the same comments and force me into diets astounded at the amount that I would eat. (I've always had an unnaturally FAST metabolism) When one of my gay friends suggested bulimia to me, the disgusted shocking feeling eventually gave way to the idea 'what if?' When I finally did it, the control and relief I felt was incrediable- I could do the one thing I actually enjoyed besides drawing and I didn't have to feel like crap anymore for being 'fat'- I'm five eight; I looked like actually weighed 150 for someone who was ABOVE 210.

    It quelled the constant anxiety and stomach pain, made me feel something other than numb, and gave me something easy and soothing for my racing mind. Once the cycle started, it never seemed to stop- I would sit and watch TV, eating and purging up to eight times a day. I've suffered every eating disorder immaginable, and finally have shrunked down to a miserable and disturbing 118 lbs.

    As a kid, I was incrediably hyper, scattered, and anxious. I didn't work well with others, was impatient, fidgety, and impulsive. I constantly would get in trouble for doodling on EVERYTHING, talking in class, or daydreaming.

    When I got to middle school, I had very little friends because of my over bearing personality. It wasn't that I didn't care, but I would blurt out everything I thought no matter how inappropriate and I never seemed to stop talking. It didn't help that all I wore was extra large shirts and baggy pants, a result of very low self esteem.

    In highschool, my luck seemed never ending but my focus was either on one thing only or everything. My mom sent me to therapy because I couldn't sleep, focus in school, and I was having social problems from being so random/awkward. My mind would never stop, and nothing would get done no matter how much I tried.

    My grades stayed up; I wouldn't do the homework and pass all the tests with A's, some how drawing in class helped me listen to what the teacher was saying. Still, I started smoking weed and drinking just for a moment of peace. It was the only thing besides drawing that would make my thoughts go blank and numb.

    I got kicked out, my mother being tired of the perpetual mess I could never seem to keep clean (I'm talking PILES of stuff that was so overwhelming to think about cleaning, I just stopped caring) and the fact that I would always forget to do the unspoken chores around the house. Keep in mind, that if I didn't do what I thought she wanted, she would ignore me for weeks or get physical.

    Living with my dad, I continued to self medicate with copious amounts of caffeine and picking up smoking when I started working. I still drink about 1,000 milligrams to calm me down during the day and smoke half a pack two years later.

    The concentration I could keep on my weight and eating habits became the only thing I could ever finish and feel good about. Unfortunately, bulimics become so engrossed in the cycle they are consumed by it and withdrawl.

    NOT ME, dawg. My impulsiveness was so bad, I would binge everywhere, in front of anyone with a place to purge or not. I can't hide things anyway because I can't keep my tracks covered, pfeh. I want poptarts, I buy them and decide **** it, I already ate one, why not the whole box? About 1 in 100 of my b/p cycles is planned.

    Im incrediably smart, but just can't say no- I got almost 1900 (mostly reading, average math because I HATE IT) on my SAT's and tend to get engrossed in one entertaining activity for hours; I read holes freshman year in one day it was so good to me and this is a good example to. I can't stand being bored (therefore binging) and I.just.can't.seem to deal with it and complete tasks that I don't find rewarding or fun.

    This all comes to a head when my friend Dillon, who has bad ADHD, gives me two weeks worth of Vyvanse. I take my first one in the morning with my breakfast, and I can't even begin to describe how it saved my life that day.

    I had no crazy food urges, was stable, mellow, and EVEN, and I could actually DO things. For the first time in my life, I knew what it felt to have a normal day. It makes me crv just to think about it (I'm on it right now, my last one) and how much hope it gives me for my future if I'm actually diagnosed.

    On it, instead of being crazy and spastic, I can actually have a decent and normal conversation with someone, my social anxiety has dissapeared along with my depression and most of the urge to b/p.

    It has given me a soul, and the ability to FEEL and enteract- My room is clean, my work performance has improved because I can put the things I need to do in the proper order and then DO them; Instead I used to move so fast and try to do everything, but nothing ever seemed to get done much to my aggrivation.

    I can draw, my homework is done, and best if all, I am free from food. I have gained weight in a healthy manner because I can choose what I eat when my body is hungry and know when to stop, not having to numb the anxiety. I take care of my hygeine and my nutrition and it seems like all of the things I used to dread getting up in the morning are managable. I sleep regularly as appossed to none at all.

    Vyvanse has also given me the ability to recognise and deal with my problems, opening up to my dad about the abuse and helping me realizemy motives, triggers, and emotional disfunction. Before the last two weeks, I had been off and on it as well, same results. This has given me more mental progress than eight years of therapy. Antidepressants like lexapro make me sedated and zombie like.

    So, the question is this- I took the TOVA test, faking it a little since I was on Vyvanse the day I took it (I had no idea what it even was) and tomorrow we go over the results. If he doesn't prescribe me something to treat ADD, I don't think I could function. (I do go days without taking it, and I feel stupid and foggy, the word vomit and spasticness comes back)

    Should I just be straight up with him if he doesn't believe me? I mean, I see people who abuse stimulants by crushing it and stuff, or taking it and getting tweaked out and I don't want him to think I'm some crazy drug addict- I feel like this would significantly speed up my recovery and make it easier to sort out.

    All of my phychologists and talk therapists have also said I have ADD as well, but my parents didn't believe in medicatoin so it went unchecked until I turned eighteened and looked up what it was.

    I have been reading up on it extensively for self-help and there is a disturbing tie between Bulimia and ADHD/ADD as a combination of low-self-esteem and coping mechinism to quiet our brains. An astounding amount of bulimics are sexual abused as well (about 2/3 to 5/6 depending).


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    Old 04-07-2008, 06:58 AM   #2
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    gorgee HB User
    Re: I NEED your thoughts; Be warned, not for faint of heart

    Nelo, wow, you have been through a lot! I could write a long post, but I think the first thing that comes to my mind, is telling the doctor you are meeting with that you have been diagnosed with add before, and feel that you need to be treated for it. Maybe you can also say you have a friend who takes Vyvanse and has good luck with it, can you please try it? I don't think you even need to mention you taking the meds.

    You are an amazing young woman who is close to brillant! You need to be pointed in the right direction, on the right medication, and the possibilities are endless. Is your father supportive and there for you? You need 1 person in your life and I hope you have it, and can confide in it.

    Are you a healthy weight now? You said you have an incredibily fast metabolism, are you able to just eat 3-4 meals a day, and have snacks throughout the day? I am just worried about you and your health.

    This is a great place to be, and please keep posting. This is my therapy, and I get to chat with wonderful people who have what I have, fibromyalgia, myofascial pain, tmj, and migraines, and also help people if I can, too.

    Please talk about getting on an ADD medication, and it does not hurt in suggesting one that works for a friend of yours.

    Good luck, and please keep writing us. I will be anxious for you to tell us about your appt.


    Old 04-07-2008, 08:08 AM   #3
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    Re: I NEED your thoughts; Be warned, not for faint of heart


    I am sorry that you have lived through such a rotten childhood. I certainly hope that you can find a therapist who can help you, with or without medications. And here are some cyber hugs {{{hugs}}} and a welcome to the Boards.

    My first thought (for the two cents that it's worth) is that just because the Vyvanse helped, does not in itself mean that you have ADD. If it does help you to process all the ugly stuff you've grown up with, then I hope that you can get a prescription.

    What you experienced as a child can certainly lead to PTSD and bulimia. We use whatever coping methods we can find when we grow up with childhood trauma. Then as adults we are left with having to deal with the underlying trauma as well as learning new, more healthy, coping mechanisms.

    My understanding of ADD is that it is, by definition, an inborn wiring of the brain. If you indeed have ADD, then your childhood traumas would certainly have prevented you from learning how to live with it. But I don't think that the traumas would have caused it. (although there are different opinions on this.) So we are left with: do you have the inborn peculiar wiring that is ADD, which was left undiagnosed and untreated until now? Or did you develop PTSD and bulimia as your coping mechanisms, which mimic many of the symptoms of ADD?

    You speak of self-medicating as common with ADDers. Yes, this is common, but it is also common among people who have lived through traumas that they could not cope with because they were too young to have any power.

    A good therapist (who is also qualified to prescribe appropriate drugs) can help you unravel this tangled skein. As several people on these Boards can attest, sometimes you need to go through more than one doctor before you find someone you can work with. I really hope that you find such a doctor.

    Yes, please keep us posted.

    And by the way, I too refused to do any homework in school, and usually aced my tests anyway. Welcome!


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