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  • Does Anyone Else Have A Spouse With These Behaviors?

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    Old 01-06-2011, 08:25 AM   #1
    sjs40
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    Question Does Anyone Else Have A Spouse With These Behaviors?

    My husband of 20 years, at the age of 44, has serious behavioral issues that are affecting his family and now his job.

    Let me first tell you...

    We have four children, all with ADHD/ADD, and our oldest, who is 16, is autistic. 3 kids have sensory issues. Me-other than trying to keep my sanity, there aren't any mental issues, just physical (fibromyalgia).
    My husband is a self-employed accountant within a firm. Over the past years, mostly because of the economy, his income loss is at 40%. We are in financial turmoil like many people right now. So the added stress is bringing out the worst, though these behaviors have always been there, especially at home, just heightened now and last month, brought into his workplace.

    My question:
    Does child-like behavior, compulsiveness, and burst of anger sound like ADHD in an adult?

    I have always said that my husband is a ToysRUs kid! Remember the tune?
    ...Always rolling down the parking lot on the grocery cart with or without kids in it...Lying down on his back while dropping our sons matchbox car in his mouth and chipping his front tooth...doing stunts with his Durango with one or both my sons in the car...
    In the early years of our marriage, in our 20's, if my husband didn't win a board game, or it was going poorly for him, he would completely trash the game, even in front of my parents! These are just a few examples. There are many more, that thankfully, I have forgotten.

    My husband is strongly opinionated. It's either his way, or no way. He has no modesty when speaking his opinion.
    As I am typing this, I fell like I am dishonoring him by posting all this, but now as I do, I cry. -Yesterday, I warned my 11 yr old daughter that her Dad was in a bad mood, and she said "What else is new." I am very heavy hearted over the poor example and of the loving father they don't have. I am longing for a loving supportive husband. If ever I'm down, I can't always go to him, because I get knocked down further. I want him to be the #1 person I can go to.

    I am not too clear on his ability or lack of, to focus in his work and get tasks done there. It is a structured environment, so it is easier, as opposed to home. He is doing his workload well, I know that, because he is a partner in the firm. He does get distracted here, but then who wouldn't with 4 kids?

    Last month, he yelled at one of the employees and spewed some obscenities. Apparently, this female employee has a demeanor like she is PMS-ing everyday. So finally, he let her verbally have it, especially after he found out how she despises the non-profit clients she works with. The other two partners said that if he has another outburst, they will let him go. My husband is inclined to let them do that, but we'd be screwed because though his pay is reduced, it's still at a level that is more than he'd get elsewhere in this economy. It certainly doesn't help the overall foundational problem anyway. He'll just carry it to the next one!

    So now, I feel like to protect his position in the office, he REALLY needs to be treated. Not to mention that I don't want to live like this forever. The timing is just very bad; because of our finances he's regularly testy or angry. I never know what he will be like when he comes home.

    I told him about three months ago that he has ADHD and that he should go on the vitamin supplement that all the kids are on. (See my other posts)
    Of course he's in denial. Physically, he is one of the healthiest in the family.
    His attitude is that I'll just have to live/deal with it. LORD HELP US!

    Thank you everyone for reading. There is so much more. 20 years worth! We have been through a lot as a couple. In 1994 I was clinically depressed, after the birth of our first child, for 4 years before I realized it and sought treatment. I did that because I saw how I was yelling at my children for no reason, I love them. I want my husband to love himself, or at least us, enough to seek help.

    Hugs!

     
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    Old 01-06-2011, 09:52 AM   #2
    amudgarden
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    Re: Does Anyone Else Have A Spouse With Theses Behaviors?

    In my experience (I am diagnosed with ADD, and impulsivity...as is my son), many of the characteristics you described can be part of an ADD or ADHD diagnosis, but an individual not challenged with ADD or ADHD can also exhibit those characteristics, which can obviously be magnified under times of stress (especially financial stress). I know that doesn't really help you, but without more information it's tough to get a read on him.

    Is he able to follow through with tasks that he starts? Does he hyperfocus on tasks, or exhibit any signs of OCD (exhibiting signs of anxiety when he is unable to do something he "needs" or "wants")?

    You talked about his quick temper and that he can get easily frustrated. Have you considered Depression and/or General Anxiety Disorder as a possibility?

    It's very difficult to isolate one diagnosis without ruling out other possibilities (such as general anxiety disorder or depression). In my own experience, a creative mind (your husband sounds intelligent) can develop very clever coping mechanisms to deal with ADD, depression, and anxiety...and the older one lives without diagnosis, the deeper entrenched these mechanisms can become.

    Is there any possible way you can help him understand that seeing a psychiatrist could only help improve his and his family's quality of life?

    Last edited by amudgarden; 01-06-2011 at 09:55 AM.

     
    Old 01-06-2011, 12:46 PM   #3
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    Re: Does Anyone Else Have A Spouse With These Behaviors?

    Thank you for your response.

    I have considered depression, but he sleeps better than I do. He also does still enjoy certain hobbies. -I should remind him to take his fish oil in morning before he goes off to work. That's something I know he's willing to do, and that will help replenish the body from stress, among other things.

    With work he is usually correcting others mistakes and does not have a problem completing tasks. He is very good with numbers (obviously) and analysis, as is my 14 year son who wins chess tournaments. Again, all the kids have ADHD/ADD.
    -My 11 yr old daughter went through a lot of testing in school for learning support. She scored so well, she doesn't qualify for anything and yet she lost out on the last monthly reward for not doing 3 homework assignments because of misunderstanding teacher instruction and lack of organization.

    Right now, because our finances are so poor, my husband would not seek psychiatric counsel. For me to even approach him right now can produce that anger because of the regular stress.
    I am considering reminding him of when I realized I needed treatment, that I did it not only for myself, but for the family. When I look back on 15 years ago, I know it was really rough on my husband. I am not a quitter, but he easily wants to. Coping skills are not his strong point. After I was treated and recovered quickly, I had to be the one to 'pick the family up'.

    I guess, like autism, there are so many factors and degrees of symptoms.
    Thanks again for trying to help!

     
    Old 01-06-2011, 03:24 PM   #4
    amudgarden
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    Re: Does Anyone Else Have A Spouse With These Behaviors?

    Yeah, our understanding of these psychiatric challenges is still very much in its infancy. When I was a kid, our doctor told our mom that if we could sit in class, we had nothing to worry about. Amazing how far we've come in the past 25 years, and comforting to know how far we will continue to progress over the next 25 years.

    I've always slept like a baby at night, and I've been fighting severe depression my entire life. Like my son, I am able to concentrate on certain tasks quite well without the aid of ADD meds, but I also have severe difficulty getting through the mundane daily nuances of adult life (although I've mastered the art of faking it). I am bringing this up only because until 7 months ago, I never knew I had any of these biological challenges (ADD, depression, OCD, and anxiety disorder). I was never what I would deem "well-adjusted", but I had always explained it away as laziness, a lack of confidence, or find other excuses...and still managed to do well in college and obtain two graduate degrees (even though I never really had any interest in using either of the degrees). It never occurred to me until very recently that I had any of these challenges.

    It seems the more we learn about these biological issues, the more sophisticated diagnosis and treatment can be. The good thing is that society is slowly becoming more accepting of people who were born with these characteristics.

    Good luck with your husband...no one knows him better than you, and from what I can tell, you care very deeply about him and your family. That alone will get you through...

     
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    Old 01-06-2011, 03:55 PM   #5
    sjs40
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    Re: Does Anyone Else Have A Spouse With These Behaviors?

    Thanks again not only for your kind words of support, but also sharing your story. It really solidifies that you can be one very smart cookie, but still have difficult issues to overcome.

    Now that you have sought treatment, may your life, and the lives you touch, be all the richer for it!

    God Bless!

     
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