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    Old 03-31-2015, 10:26 PM   #1
    quixotic
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    60 years old and ashamed

    I have been chronically relapsing with crack. Even here, in an anonymous forum, it is most difficult to admit. Just typing the words is hard. I am starting to drink again, too. The feelings of uselessness and being immune to any lasting recovery have resurfaced. I am depressed and have been this way for my entire life. I stopped seeing my psychologist months ago. I stopped attending AA four months ago after many years. I still take 5 mg of Lexapro daily. I thought equanimity, self enquiry and Vedic teachings could fill the void. I have a profound resentment against religion. Yet, I admire their apparent serenity. I latched on to the idea of ceasing thoughts as they were the real culprit I decided. I was encouraged by the idea of attacking the deepest root causes and effects. It made perfect sense to me. Don't indulge any thought. Don't trust them, good or bad, but simply exist in the present. Thinking has always been the enemy. I finally accepted that after many years. But, I can't embrace complete detachment as a path to happiness. In a way I don't trust it. It feels nihilistic to me and I can't picture happiness in that form. This reluctance to let things go, in general, is debilitating. I can hardly stand the thought that I self destruct, but I obviously do.
    I wish I did not feel profoundly sad. It embarrasses me. I don't want to waste any more time. I felt very attracted to the teachings of Ramana Maharshi, but I guess I don't think I can do it successfully. I fear complete letting go. This lack of confidence in my abilities and the future has made it impossible for me to contain the feeling for any sustained length of time. The relapsing causes me to deeply self loathe, obviously. This makes meditation and mindfulness painful.
    I have been more honest here than I could ever be in person to another. It is the unvarnished truth about myself I find so hard to accept.
    How can one progress in that state? How can anything tame the ego mind when it wants to derail the best intentions? What is powerful enough to subdue it? Am I doomed to feel doomed? Those are my questions. This is my lot. Please advise.

     
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    Old 04-03-2015, 04:18 PM   #2
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    Re: 60 years old and ashamed

    Hello quixotic and welcome.

    You strike me as an intellectual at heart.

    Quite possibly you are overly thinking this.

    In the rooms, it is advised to "keep it simple" because of the tendency towards

    constantly wanting to break things down;sometimes to the very minutia.

    The key to letting go can be spiritual for some and yet naturalistic for others....

    Begin by asking yourself how you got to this point;where drugs and alcohol became a routine of sorts.

    The intellectual in you may end up reciting the definition of insanity;doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

    Knowing this simply isn't enough.

    There's a part in the movie The Shawshank Redemption,where Duphresne (Tim Robbins) tells Red (Morgan Freeman) the words:

    "Get busy living or get busy dying."

    I point this out because there are no grey areas,when it comes to being and staying clean.

    One has to be in it to win it and whomever stated you can't teach an old dog new tricks,never bothered to see if the dog was interested....
    For it's not the size of the dog in the fight but the size of the fight in the dog.

    Take heed to the phrase "temptation takes no vacation," for when you least expect it,life will indeed throw you curveball you were never designed to hit.

    I placed things in a visual medium for you to see where part of your strength lies....

    If you can envision the "portraits I painted," you can visual for yourself,a drug and alcohol-free lifestyle.

    Are you concerned with the stigma of once a person is an addict,they're always an addict; well don't.

    You will eventually define who you are by your actions and failure to act when certain situations come your way.

    There is nothing to be ashamed of here....

    We welcome you with open arms, the same way there were those who did the same for me,when I first posted.

    Know that we're here whenever you need, for advice and support in a non-judgemental fashion.


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    Old 04-03-2015, 04:34 PM   #3
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    Re: 60 years old and ashamed

    WELCOME!
    I so appreciate your honesty. Well done. I also empathize with your disappointment and self loathing. It is a constant in my life, too.
    I have one thought about what you've written, and that is, maybe "the problem" is that you absolutely have to get to the root cause of your addiction. Trying to meditate it away or not think about it doesn't address the hurt, the trauma, the anger, the fear.... all of those human emotions we have that feel so unsafe that we turn to our drug of choice. Mine is food. (I am 54 and have been a food addict since 13).
    Maybe you need to forgive someone, before you forgive yourself. I hear that your addiction has overpowered you, but maybe it will always be easier to medicate, than it will to open up that "first wound" that got you started using in the first place.
    Shame creates secrets and it is said that "we are only as sick as our secrets". Find a therapist. Speak out your issues. Maybe walking through them will ultimately give you the freedom you are looking for.
    Bless you.

     
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    Old 04-03-2015, 08:38 PM   #4
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    Re: 60 years old and ashamed

    Hi I'm sorry you ever tried that evil stuff. I just detox ed off a pain med opana er 30 mg and I thought I went thru a hard time. Feeling so much better now.

    I did get put on subutex but had bad side effects, I think the psych intended me staying on it a good while but I don't like it. I had hives, the trtots, nausea, sweats, fog, it was awful. Have you tried it? You probably have more than once.

    I don't get the religious thing. You gotta decide whether you want to have quality of life the last 20-25 yrs or so. if you don't you won't have that many. Cathy

     
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    Old 04-04-2015, 05:27 PM   #5
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    Re: 60 years old and ashamed

    Just want to say, this is a truly superb post and it was of benefit to me, as I hope it was to Quixotic (referring to Phoenix's post).

    Thank you.

    Last edited by FarmGirl31; 04-04-2015 at 05:29 PM.

     
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