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    Old 02-28-2017, 03:20 AM   #1
    Haly431's Avatar
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    Haly431 HB User
    addiction, unmanageable anxiety and depression

    I have access to oxycodone and I have major depression, anxiety, bipolar, borderline personality disorder and PTSD. Since 2011 when I mentally lost it and am on SSI because of it. I have been on different meds and cocktails for mental health issues with no help. My minute to minute, hour by hour and day to day life is very hard to say the least. When I take the oxys I'm happy and me. The me I was before my mental illness took over my life. I'm in control and my mind calms. I can breath, be happy and be the creative person I naturally am. But I can't take them any more. Its so hard to stop. I've got caught by my fiance who is a recovering addict and won't tolerate me taking them. I'm going to lose him like I lost everyone else due to mental illness ; no exaggeration. I try everyday not to sneak a half of a 20mg tablet (sometimes two halves), but I do and I promised I wouldn't.

    What am I doing? I'd rather be addicted to the pain pill than live the way I do when I dont take them; panic from the second I wake-up till I go to bed; this is not a way to live. i cant even take care of myself. I'm tired of fighting. I've been taking them on and off since 2015. I'm prescribed xanax 2 mg - three times daily, which leave me tired, so I compensate by taking my script of Ritalin. Both I will take a quarter or half as needed; to try and balance my moods. My Dr just started me on a new script, but insurance won't cover it, so I'm on sample packs; rexulti. I'm in NY state and there is no chance of me getting a medical card for mental health. Is there anything out their that will help my body produce serotonin and endorphins, because it doesn't happen naturally. I miss being high on life. Before my mental break downs I was always in the gym and an avid runner. And one day life was sucking itself out of me. I explain it as hold a handful of sand and the sand just emptying out through my fingers. There was no grip or holding onto it - know matter what I tried to do. I want to feel alive and live a simple happy life and not feel like a failure anymore. This is not living.

    Last edited by Administrator; 02-28-2017 at 06:47 AM.

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    Old 03-24-2017, 01:04 PM   #2
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    Re: addiction, unmanageable anxiety and depression

    Hey there Haly, big hugs!

    My story sounds very very similar to yours and how my opiate addiction began. I was an opiate addict for roughly 8yrs and no one even knew. Am I ashamed of myself because of it? Yes, I can honestly say I am - but it made me feel normal! Made me function when I otherwise couldn't! Made me run a household, raise my children, care for my husband, without anyone so much as blinking an eyelid that I might have a problem. I also abused Xanax in large dosages daily, and Valium too just to add to the mix.

    In the end, I admitted my addiction to my GP who helped me get into a detox centre and started on suboxone. It has been almost 2yrs now since then and my mind is so much clearer than it was the past decade! What I thought was me living "normally" with all the drug abuse certainly wasn't! It was all a facade that I made myself believe in

    If I can give you any advice what so ever, it would be to stay away from it as best you can. Make sure it is not obtainable even if your family need to lock it away or hide it from you. Having it there is a temptation if you can easily get it.

    I am an open book and am happy to answer any questions you might have if you'd like someone to talk to who understands how you are feeling.

    I wish you all the best!

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