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  • last dose 34 hours ago and waiting for the PERFECT STORM



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    Old 06-13-2003, 03:00 PM   #1
    bella427anna
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    Angry last dose 34 hours ago and waiting for the PERFECT STORM

    Hi All. I want to forewarn you that this is going to be long. I'm bored, I'm in pain, television programs suck, not hungry and just want to *****, moan and groan as I know by tonite I'll be wrapped in the throes of big time w/d. Indulge me, if you will, while I bellyache about what you all have gone through already and understand. Forgive my silliness as I'm not all here. Ain't drug addiction grand? Well! since 1999 I found God one fine surgery when I was given morphine and a doggy bag full of pain meds. I'm in the medical admn. field so it was easy for me to score, along came forgery, two names, doc shopping, etc., and the only reason why I wasn't carted off to jail, sooner or later was because I found "the" doctor - an easy target with a trigger happy pen in hand issuing monthly scripts without having to see him. Since May of last year I lied to him and told him I had fibromyalgia for which he prescribed monthly scripts; (180 percs and/or 150 vicodin es) along with attn. def. syndome: (40 aderralls/amphetamines), couldn't sleep: (ambien or xanax) along with deep depression (Paxil). The depression part was for real, but the only antidepressant that worked for me I found in opiates! I soon threw away the Paxil. they didn't help me anyway. Years of sporatic love affairs with pot, alcohol, coke, shrooms, sleep meds, menthol cigarrettes. Never did any consistently let alone was lost in any. Until the surgery! And as Jack Nicholson said so emphatically (which pretty much describes my current world; 'The Shining')..... "Honey! I'M HOME!!" All the emotional pain, anger and boredom suddenly gone. I loved the world, loved people in general, loved my mother, my job, even myself! I got used to not thinking clearly and having no memory was no big deal. Vomitting blood and bleeding internally meant nothing to me - give me a pill! I'm good. Days of not eating, staying up till two every morning for the past year or so did't really give me that "tired - drugged out look" I was expecting. and even if it did, who cared? The day I got fired from my job I shrugged off with another handful and headed for mall or any store and amuse myself with any/everything - as long as I had had that buzz. I was doing up to fifteen percocets, and speed during the day and xanax at night. I (duh) realized I could have a problem so I checked into a rehab clinic and no sooner I got home I headed straight for my night table and swore they would be only for recreational purposes. (double duh). I was popping 25 percs throughout the day along with speed. I phoned this doctor and fessed up and told him I was having a problem and please give me another script because I went through 180 percs in less than a month .... he yelled a bit then called in 150 vicodin es's. We're off to the races again and life is good. This bottle of vics lasted 18 days and I curse myself and the person I gave a couple to when I realized I was down to five. I called doc, (logic finally kicking in) and he said, "see ya!". I, in a way, gave a sigh of relief. I no longer have medical insurance and can't afford detox clinic so I went to two NA meetings, the grocery store for juices and stuff, took my last pills and closed the curtains and am ready to weather this ordeal alone. I have had the usual w/d symptoms, but still no restless legs, migraine headaches yet and am glad I have a few xanax and ambien left for emergencies. I'm scared. I sometimes wish my boyfriend were here with me but we broke up four days ago this time being for sure, that's it, goodbye. BAd timing. Oh well. That was soon to happen too. I'll be looking for a job AND relationship here soon. Lucid. No meds. Facing reality and myself. Oh gawd. It amazes me how people find joy in themselves and life itself without numbing. Guess I'll find this out soon, too. I'm also scard my long seated depression will surely come back tenfold no doubt. Think positive I say. This SUX. Anyway, I do look I forward to waking up every day and appreciate the sunrise without drugs, to be able to go out without drugs, to be able to think clearly, too. I'll try to regain those friendships lost, now, I'm trying to get over the death of the only friend I had and still want - pain meds. I know, I'm starting to feel sorry for myself butcha'know, I'm going to give myself that luxury for I'll be needing to snap out of this pronto and dive into reality. Woohoo. I long to feel okay, no more pain, safe and calm. without drugs. I long for strength and the ability to finally trust in myself. Gotta get with it and pay bills (after I ask my mom for money - embarassing as it is). I haven't worked in six going on seven months, just isolated partying in my head. It's over. It honestly hurts more than my break up with my fiancee. What's up with THAT?
    I'm grateful for not having kids, my choice. Mommie dearest for sure. Well, I think I'm done. I fear cross addiction, like food for instance. I have to get a grip and not seek instant satisfaction and start working on the baggage I left behind. And me. Thank you guys for being here. I'm glad I'm not alone and know you all know how painful in many ways this addiction is - and knowing there is only one way to stop - and that's to JUST STOP. As I type this I am beginning to feel the beginning of the restless limbs and am starting to sweat. Think I'll soak in the tub and accept that it's coming. Tra, la, la. ******. Again. thanks for being here. take care.

     
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    Old 06-13-2003, 03:21 PM   #2
    Brettfish
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    All i can say is i was where you are not long ago..i slipped on day 8...DAY 8!! Be strong..and post away..i did..and it helped..it helped alot!! Physically i feel pretty good after over 2 weeks..but im mentally still pretty frazzled..some days are better than others. You're not alone..and everyone here knows where you are..so all i can say is be strong..and i wish you the best. Stay near the board..someones always around..and it helps to vent.

     
    Old 06-13-2003, 04:52 PM   #3
    lisaaahubb
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    i feel your pain....i'm on day 4 and am hoping this living hell will soon end. Rough it out and vent, as much as possible. Hope ya got some immodium and gatorade. Hang in there i am pulling for ya!
    Lisa

     
    Old 06-13-2003, 05:11 PM   #4
    racingdaysRover
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    Sounds like your ready to stop. I think everyone has their own breaking point where enough is enough. I hit mine 23 days ago. Yea I felt like sh*t , but it won't kill you. I realized after losing so much that pills only lead in 1 direction. The short term high is never worth the long term problems, headaches, loss, etc. Stay on the board, all the people here nursed me through my WDs. Lots of addiction and medical "experts" here that have been through the worst of it and can be very supportive. Good luck to you and be strong.

     
    Old 06-14-2003, 08:16 AM   #5
    bella427anna
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    Brett, Lisa and Jax - thanks for your meaningful words of encouragement. I'm on day 3 of detox. No sleep even with ambien - yah, it's hard, which is an understatement, but I'm looking forward to getting rid of everything that's toxic; these drugs, boyfriend, negative thoughts, etc. thx, Anna. aka: Hedda Nuff

     
    Old 06-14-2003, 12:04 PM   #6
    dcchickster
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    Go bella, you can do another 34, just do it!! we all love ya>>.jacko
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    Old 06-14-2003, 12:16 PM   #7
    memissa
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    Good LUCK. I'm still fighting this.
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    Old 06-14-2003, 12:31 PM   #8
    BlueSkies
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    keep at it bella, I know it's hard. you are an inspiration to those out there who, like me, can't even get to the first step

     
    Old 06-14-2003, 03:38 PM   #9
    1goodgirl
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    Bella; Have you ever thought of writing as a career?
    Seriously. I usually don't read the very long posts, but I was glued to yours. And not just for the content; you have a style. As for the content, hang in there; you are in my prayers.

     
    Old 06-14-2003, 03:57 PM   #10
    HeddaNuff
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    thanks everyone for your kind words. I've thought I weathered it and even considered going to an NA mtg BUT symptoms vary in intensity and come and go. Silly me, thought I was done detoxing since my last use was Thursday mourning. And I DO mean mourning! heh, heh. I'm so bored I've thought of calling my ex who I hate as he's a taker and not a giver and I'm as sick of him as these pills! But, now I sure need someone - ANYONE! Would you? Thanks yall!

     
    Old 06-14-2003, 09:07 PM   #11
    CRAZE
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    Bella, I can tell you have a great sense of humor. You are going to need it!!
    I have been off the narcotics for a good month now, except I do take ultram for by back. Some say they get addicted to it but I don't feel a buzz with it so I don't see how.
    I don't have all that drug induced energy I had when doing my Oxycontins. To be honest I do miss that and have cravings every day. If I new I had an unlimted supply I would probably still be doing them. I got sick and tired of going through W/ D's every 3 weeks.
    So I know what you are going through and it is very tuff.
    I tried the ambien also,as a matter of fact I took 7 of the 10 mg. and still could not sleep. The 3rd night was the worst.
    This board and the good people on it, made all the difference in the world.
    Hang in there.
    CRAZE

     
    Old 06-14-2003, 09:24 PM   #12
    timsworld73
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    bella...let me just say I love your attitude going forward. There is a great song by some country singer(and I dont like country) that is titled "Move On" and the lyrics to it fit alot of us to a tee. Let my regrets of the past fade away and move on...to a new future. You sound like your ready for a new future and I wish you luck. I am sure you know, as most everyone here knows that addiction takes control of your life and tries to keep a firm grip, and it is tough to loosen it, but when the grip is released and you breath free, new beginnings can start. Good luck, and keep writing...I too like your writing style.

     
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