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What have I done?




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Old 06-23-2003, 10:03 PM   #1
Pill Diva
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First let me say that I have been lurking here for quite sometime. It wasn't until 4 days ago that I finally had the courage and strength to say enough was enough and stop cold turkey from a very heavy and quite expensive vicodin, percocet and oxycontin addiction. It all started about 2 years ago with a trip to the dentist and walking out with 30 VicodinES's. Up until that day, I honestly had never heard of Vicodin and more importantly never tried it. Well it sure didn't take me long to go from Vicodin, to percocet and then to Oxycontin. I can't even begin to tell you all the money I have spent on these drugs because for the past year I have getting them illegally since all of my doctors and dentists figured out that I was addicted long before I did. To make a long story short I have been wanting to quit for some time now but didn't have the courage to. However, after reading so many of your posts and seeing that it can be done, I decided that I was through with it all and flushed the rest of my pills. As I watched those beautiful pills spin round and round a feeling of panic set in but it was quickly followed by a feeling of calm and relief. I knew I was done with this vicious cycle and that this was going to be the beginning of my new life or should I say my old life before pills came along. Now here's where I really need some support and advice. I ask you all to please not judge me too harshly although I know I deserve it. You see, I know the first rule to a successful recovery is to stay away from the people who you got the drugs from. But what do you do when the person who is your dealer is also your daughter? I am so ashamed of what I have done since I was the person that first introduced my 25 year old daughter to Vicodin. It wasn't intentional, I was helping her out because she had a bad toothache one day and I had given her a few to hold her over until she got to the dentist. Well her story is very similar to mine except for the fact she is taking much more than I ever did and aside from buying them illegally she is also selling them. And I was her biggest customer. I find myself now avoiding her phone calls because when I do talk to her I can tell she is on them and it depresses me. Not because I want them but because I know what a horrible habit she has and has no intention of stopping any time soon. I should note that her husband is also an addict and started the same time I did and my daughter did. Talk about keeping it all in the family....how pathetic!! Now that I am seeing things clearly and not drugged up all day and night, I realize just how dangerous these drugs are and I am terrified for my daugher's health and life. I tried to approach her and talk to her about this but her response was less than kind and told me that I had no right to talk to her about anything since I was only clean 4 days and she's sure I will be calling her soon to buy pills. Well, I can tell you that she is dead wrong on that one as I never want to see another pill as long as I live. My only concern at this point is how do I maintain a relationship with my daugher yet stay away from the drugs? I'm just sick at what I've done but I know I can not change the past....only look forward to my future without pills. I have been so happy these last couple of days but the instant the phone rings and I hear my daughter's voice my mood instantly changes. Not only do I get depressed but I get so darn angry. I'm not sure if my anger is at her for not wanting to quit or at myself for letting things get so out of hand for as long as they have. Can someone please give me some advice as to what I should do? I should note that my husband doesn't know about any of this so I have no one to turn to at this point. I am so ashamed of what I've done but I also know that I would have never done it sober and clean. It is astounding what we will do all for the sake of a pill. Please can someone help me? I don't know where else to turn.

 
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Old 06-24-2003, 05:32 AM   #2
Hopefortoday
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Congratulations for flushing those pills and wanting to quit! All you can do for your daughter is lead by example . . and that will be hard because your mind and body will do everything possible to lure you into using again. But you can do it!! Your daughter has to get to a point in her own life where she'll want to get clean.

Good luck to you!

 
Old 06-24-2003, 06:12 AM   #3
LITTLEREDDODGEC
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I CAN HONESTLY SAY I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THRU. I QUIT TAKING VICS LAST THURSDAY, AND I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW WONDERFUL I FEEL NOW, NOT HAVING TO PANICK AND WONDER HOW I CAN AFFORD TO BUY THE NEXT PILL, THATS A HORRIBLE FEELING. ALSO, MY DAUGHTER DOES NOT DO PILLS THANK GOD, BUT HER FRIENDS DO AND I WAS HAVING HER GET THEM FOR ME. AND SHE BEGGED ME TO GET OFF OF THEM, SHE WOULD CRY AND SAY MOM PLEASE STOP DOING THIS. I FELT LIKE A JUNKIE. SHE GOT THEM FOR ME BECAUSE I WOULD CRY AND BEG HER TO, HOW PATHETIC IS THAT. GOD I FEEL SO ASHAMED OF WHAT I HAVE PUT HER THRU, BUT SHES SO HAPPY I HAVE QUIT. IT HASN'ST BEEN EASY, LAST NIGHT WAS THE FIRST GOOD NIGHT OF SLEEP I HAVE GOTTEN SINCE THURSDAY. THERE ARE STILL CRAVINGS, BUT I WOULD NOT PUT MYSELF THRU WHAT I HAVE FOR THE LAST FEW DAYS TO GET HOOKED AGAIN, NEVER. H ONEY. ALL YOU CAN DO IS LEAD BY EXAMPLE, LET HER SEE HOW DIFFERENT YOU ARE NOW, AND HOW GOOD YOUR ARE FEELING AND THINKING NORMALLY AGAIN, BUT MOST OF ALL PRAY FOR HER. PRAYER WAS THE GREATEST THING FOR ME GOING THRU ALL OF THIS. I AM HERE FOR ;YOU IF YOU NEED ME, WE HAVE SUCH SIMILIAR STORYS. I AM PRAYING FOR YOU SWEETIE.

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LITTLERED

 
Old 06-24-2003, 11:10 AM   #4
MScontin
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PILL DIVA-

IM MY OPINION HONEY, ALL YOU DID(CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG), IS GIVE HER A FEW 'TILL SHE HAD HER DENTIST APPT.
YOU CANNOT PUT ALL THE BLAME OF WHAT SHE(YOUR DAUGHTER), DID TO HERSELF. EXPECIALLY BEING YOU GAVE HER A FEW PILLS, MY PARENT'S DID THE SAME A FEW TIME'S
BUT, AND HERE IS MY POINT- I CHOSE TO ABUSE EVERY DRUG IN THE BOOK , BUT LICKIN' A TOAD
I LUCKILY HAVE MENDED ALL FAMILY TIES http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wow.gif BUT I, MYSELF HAD TO GET REAL, BE COMPLETLY HONEST. NO LYING!
BUT MY PARENT'S HAD A DENIAL PROBLEM, BLAMED THEMSELVES AND WORST OF ALL, HELD EVERYTHING IN
I HAD TO PUSH THE THEORY OF IT NOT BEING THEIR FAULT. LUCKILY, I DID GOOD!

THERE IS A LIGHT AND I WILL PRAY IT TOUCHES YOU AND YOUR GIRL. KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON
A.C.

[This message has been edited by MScontin (edited 06-24-2003).]

 
Old 06-24-2003, 12:26 PM   #5
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My only concern at this point is how do I maintain a relationship with my daugher yet stay away from the drugs?

Hi Pill Diva....

It may be necessarily to temporarily disconnect from your daughter - while you are working on your own sobriety. You did a very brave thing by flushing the rest of your pills. Unless your daughter decides for 'herself' that she wants to follow in your footsteps -- she will ony present a trigger for you to relapse; especially when you are going through withdrawal adn you know you can get them from her -- and she probabably will be offering. Need to tell your daughter what you are doing, how important it is to 'you' - encourage her to do the same, altho that won't matter if she hasn't hit that point where she is ready....

But recovery sometimes is selfish - you have to disassociate yourself from all the triggers in your life that may lead to relapse and your daughter is a big one. Things may get alot worse before they get better (yoru relationship with your daughter); but despite your guilt, etc. your primarily goal is you right now - your own sobriety and if that means temporarily detaching from your daughter - it must be done....

Kitty

 
Old 06-24-2003, 01:09 PM   #6
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All I can say is: May you stay strong and we will standwth you if you are trying to break the cycle. May all conquer our addictions and shortcomings. Tohether I believe we can with each other's support.

Today is a good day, we are alive and we are searching the freedom of having a ball and chain.

Wishing all well, Risky Business

 
Old 06-24-2003, 06:28 PM   #7
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you have alot of issues to deal with.....good luck to you cause it may be tough...but you can do it...let me share with you a few of my issues...my ex-wife didnt know i had an addiction for years...i kept it hid real good..notice i said my ex....i lost my two kids 8 - 11.... i mean i dont wake up ever mornin and get to kiss em...i can see them whenever but it still hurts every day because of my addiction..im the best chef in my county...lots of recognition...been to the white house..culinary olymplics...80 gold,silver,bronze cooking medals...now im known as a druggie...that one hurts...i built a 300,000 home...lived in it for one week...at least my kids have a good roof over their heads...lost my last two jobs to opiate addiction...not too good,eh...owe about 20,000 to loan companies..now child support,ect....and im still trying to get over my addiction...i wont.....i will deal with this for the rest of my life....should your husband know?i think that he should but thats your biz...what happens when he finds out eventually?...pray on that one...i was homeless after my wife booted me.....your daughters suppling you?that has to stop,if you want a life again...she has a problem too,that will have to be dealt with along with her hubbie.....eventually i beleive we either com to grips with our addiction or we are goneers....your life should come first...its you that wakes up every mornin and briushes your teeth in the mirror,no one else....maybe your meant to get opiate free and then carry your daughter and her kin thru the process...i beleive in destiny...my new doc was an opiate addict...went from being a surgeon to running a detox center...talk about a calling....seek 12 step n/a or aa meetings,seek proffessional help on all fronts of your addiction..be honest with-in first and every thing will fall into place.Start at step #1 first.god bless you and ill say a prayer for you too

 
Old 06-24-2003, 07:28 PM   #8
Hopefortoday
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Chefob1 . . . one thing you haven't lost to your addiction is your life . . . and it sounds like you're on the right track!! Thanks for such a REAL and honest post . . . those help us all.

My husband's doctor is also an addict and I thank God for that because he has had so many doctors and "addiction specialists" that didn't know how to treat him.

Anyway . . . good luck to you and may God bless you!

 
Old 06-24-2003, 08:13 PM   #9
Pill Diva
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I want to thank everyone of you from the bottom of my heart for your support and advice. The people on this site just amaze me at how non-judgmental you all are. I wanted to update everyone on what happened today. First of all, I felt GREAT...physically and emotionally. I don't think I have felt this strong emotionally in a very long time. I guess pouring my heart out in my post helped me more than I thought it would. Anyway, I went to my daughter's house tonight to help her plant flowers in her yard. During this time we had a good ole heart to heart and I apologized to her for not being the kind of mother I should have been these past two years. I promised her that her old mom, the one she had always respected, was back and had no intentions of getting caught up in the web of drugs again. I also pleaded with her to atleast "think" about quitting or slowing down. I told her she had to be ready to do it but I wanted her to know that I was there for her when ever she decided to come clean. I also and most importantly told her that under no circumstances do I want to hear about drugs, see drugs or be around her when she is on drugs. I told her it was too hard right now to even talk to her on the phone and hear it in her voice let alone seeing it. She agreed that she will not bring up drugs, pills, coke or anything of that nature to me. She did tell me that she was proud of me and hopes one day that I will echo the same words to her. With that I burst into tears and told her I have always been proud of her and no #@%* pill was going to change my opinion. We hugged and cried and before I left she promised to think about everything I said and make a decision about her life. I feel semi-optomistic about her seeing the light but I don't want to get my hopes up to high. Like everyone has said, she has to be ready to do it...I can not make her. As someone pointed out to me on here, I did not make her keep taking the pills.....I merely gave her some to help her with the toothache. I know I should have stopped this and not been a partner in it but what is done is done and I must learn to forgive myself and better ME so I can help my daughter when she is ready to quit. Well I have turned this update into a novel and I apologize for that.....lol, I just feel so free to say what I feel on here. It's so refreshing not being judged and feeling guilty for the things I have done. Thank you ALL again soooooooo very much. Without you all, I would have not come this far....because even before I started posting here, you people were my support.....and none of you knew it. LOL

 
Old 06-24-2003, 08:47 PM   #10
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You are 100% correct when you say what is done is done. We cannot change our past, we can only learn from it and move toward the future. Some of us let our past haunt them so badly and think of it so much that we forget to live in the present. Okay, so we have made mistakes...we can only correct them the best we can and move on. After getting clean from opiates I vowed to not beat myself up over the past, but to never forget it...learn and push on. I wish you the best and you have some to the right place...this board was a major reason I was able to get and stay clean...Good Luck

 
Old 06-24-2003, 09:07 PM   #11
Pill Diva
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Hi Tim, I am so happy to hear from you. Although we have never written to each other or chatted I have to tell you that it is because of you that I made the decision to quit cold turkey, once and for all. I followed your entire withdrawal and rooted for you on the sidelines.......quitely lurking but wishing you the best. I made a vow to myself that if you made it to one month clean that I would quit for good. So Tim, I owe you one huge hug and a big THANK YOU. You were and still continue to my inspiration. I, like you, have no cravings for them so far. Instead I resent them and hate them for what I let them do to me. I pray daily that I continue to hate them so I am able to continue in my recovery. So far, so good.....I feel soooooo wonderful. Sleep isn't all that great lately, but hey, I can take staying awake late at night because I know in the morning when I do wake up, I won't be groggy from being drug induced. I am clean....Free and clean. Thank you again...

 
Old 06-24-2003, 09:43 PM   #12
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Father fentynal, BUT, AND HERE IS MY POINT- I CHOSE TO ABUSE EVERY DRUG IN THE BOOK , BUT LICKIN' A TOAD

You aint supposed to lick there butt its all on their back

some drug abuse humor for us

Pill Diva congratulations you have began on a journy we all share together. Its how I stay clean , being part of a we world instead of a me world. This is prob one of the best strings I have read in a while.The support and caring is awesome. My experience is sim. in the family department althought it was my brother that was involved. It is a very difficult one for sobriety. we knew what it felt like to have to take dope just to get well in the morning. I am sober today and and my brother is not alive(auto accident) it was the other drivers fault so there was no tox screen given to my brother , but I cant help but feel that he possibly could have had better reactions. anyway my point is we couldnt keep cleen if either of us was holding it was just too easy to rationalize using. Love your daughter with everything and tell her that you are an addict (she knows already) and that your life depends on not doing any dope today maybee even go to some 12 step meetings or something if she knows that you are going to NA or AA or one of them and she is still using it will naturally seperate the 2 of you momentarily in your lives.Things will work out over time as long as you stay clean.

 
Old 06-24-2003, 10:13 PM   #13
Pill Diva
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Hi Eggman....thank you for your kind words and support. I am sorry about your brother's accident. I have a brother that is a heroin junkie and even though I haven't spoken to him for a year, I still worry that something bad will happen to him like it did your brother. I tell my daugher atleast 10 times a day that I love her....we have always been very close and a very loving family. I just need to make up for the lost time I spent being her drug partner instead of her mother. I have considered going to some type of meetings but I'm just not sure if I'm at the point of sharing my life story with a room full of strangers. This board in my opinion is better than any meeting...atleast for me at this time. Thank you again.

 
Old 06-25-2003, 08:31 AM   #14
timsworld73
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WOW...You made my day with that post Diva. Thanks. And keep it up.

 
Old 06-25-2003, 10:58 AM   #15
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YOU SOUND LIKE YOU HEAD'S ON STAIGHT GRRREEEAAATTT!
I, LIKE YOU PREFER TO HELP MYSELF BY BEING ON THESE BOARDS! IT'S SEEM LIKE YOU'VE GOTTA LOT OF PEOPLE ROOTIN' FOR YA!! PLEASE, HUMOR ME BY NOT PUTTING YOURSELF DOWN AND GET THAT 200 TON WEIGHT OFF YOUR BACK
I'M TELLIN' YA, AND YOU PROBABLY KNOW, THE THINGS IN THE PAST(key), WILL ONLY BRING YOU DOWN
AND PERSONALLY I LIKE YA BEING AROUND http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/cool.gif HERE
A.C.
EGG-
YOU ARE SO RIGHT, YOU GOTTA LAUGH, EVEN WHEN YOUR HURTING. AT LEAST WHEN YOU LAUGH WE, AS ADDICTS, WE AT LEAST GET A TRICKLE OF NATURAL PLEASURE!(WE'VE DEPLETED OUR SUPPLY BY HAVING DRUGS REALESE THOSE PLEASURE SENSE'S
BY THE WAY, YOU GOT A NAME FOR 'EM ALL HUH?!!
(FATHER FENTANYL )

 
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