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    Old 08-06-2004, 10:12 PM   #1
    daisye14's Avatar
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    Unhappy Its my Birthday and I can't stop crying

    Hey everyone it's kell..thanx for all your great support on my other posts,sorry I have'nt replied much but I have been soooo sick.Is it niormal to have a slight fever(around 99.7)durring wd's?You think I would know that by now going through it so many times.I feel so nausaus.

    Anyways today is my 25th Birthday and honestly I have never felt more depressed.My whole family is not talking to me because of my pill addiction it is killing me I know for the last two years I have taken pills but I need my family.I opened my mailbox and found not even one b-day card and I doubt any will come tomorow.My fiaunce has been great, so supportive probably just wishing I would just stop Michelle you are right about the whole hormone thing ,because my fiaunce can start and stop taking pills no problem , maybe just one lousy day of him feeling like crap,me,its like depression city.

    I have tried suboxine and it made me violently throw up and I tried everything from waiting a full 48 hours after taking your last opiod to having my docter closely adjust my dose, and after almost 2 wks I was still throwing up so sadly I had to go off it

    Anyways thanx everyone for your birthday wishes it is funny to think today at 1:00am on august7 I was born(only 4 pounds premie lol)Oh well gonna try and stop crying and catch some zzz's.


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    Old 08-07-2004, 04:35 AM   #2
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    Re: Its my Birthday and I can't stop crying

    Kell---Hang in there o.k.??? Your emotions are going crazy right now. You are doing well. Try to gather yourself together today and PUSH yourself to do something for YOU!!! It's your birthday...don't brut today over things that are not in your power to change. I, too, have alienated myself from most of my family....that is another thing that will take "time" to gain back. I just have my "never here" husband, and my 3 kids and my German Shepard, Luke. My sister,my parents and all of my friends don't even speak to me anymore. I'm not doing this sobriety thing to impress them is all for ME this time around. Read Phil's post, it really comforted me. It gave me alot more strength yesterday when i read it. You take a nice bubble bath today and take some Dramamine for sound soooooooooo much like me....i get nauseous over anything and everything...that or the runs. It has been well over a month now and still have the stomach issues but they are easy to control with dramamine , chamomile tea, and some immodium. This too shall pass if you keep doing the right thing...i promise!!!!
    Hope you are able to enjoy your day today....
    luv ya,

    Old 08-07-2004, 06:09 AM   #3
    John 808
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    Re: Its my Birthday and I can't stop crying

    Hey girl!

    I did the exact same thing- run fever and battle nausea along with the other withdrawals symptoms! Take some advil or aleve and take alot of hot baths in epsom salt! As far as the nausea- I just had to accept that I was going to lose a couple of pounds because I couldn't eat anything and nausea meds (like phenegran) knock me out and that would be the last thing I needed! Try to sip on some sprite or gingerale and nibble on some crackers or popsicles- my doctor said it was fine to go two or three days without substantial meals just don't get dehydrated- K?

    I know exactly what your going through with the crying- I finally concluded to stop fighting my emotions and just CRY! Wail away! It does help a little- I think we often try to "control" our tears that when we just "get it all out-" we actually feel a tad bit better! Picture me lying on my bed sobbing like a two year old who had had lollipop taken away and my 6 and 4 year old standing there looking at me like I had lost my mind- LOl! Quite a sight! I had to remind them that mommies cry, too!

    If I knew your address, I would send not just a card but a singing telegram "card!" A gorilla? A chippendale?
    Try not to get too discouraged about your family- I know it hurts and it is difficult but you need to worry about your health right now and get better (don't forget your future little angels?)!
    Flad me down if you need me!

    Lots of love and a very special HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

    Old 08-07-2004, 06:34 AM   #4
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    Smile Re: Its my Birthday and I can't stop crying

    Daisye...sweetie.... This is such a hard time for you....and I know that having a birthday just accentuates the pain you are feeling. And, I feel so very badly for you.

    But, I do want to say a few things about what you are going through right now....hoping they might help a little....

    First--re. the Suboxone - I seem to remember that a fellow called "Root" on this board was allergic to Suboxone, too. I believe that there is another drug.."Subcutane"?? Or "Subcutex"??? which is similar. Some ingredient in the Suboxone is not agreeing with your system. Have you discussed any alternative, but similar, medications, with your doctor? Has he any idea what it is in the Suboxone that is causing this nausea?

    Second--I know that what you are going thru during this withdrawal--though it may be the "normal" symptoms--must fell unbearable to you at this time. Are you using those meds like Clonidine to help? Forgive me for not remembering your earlier posts. When I tapered down to practically nothing (then, sadly, went back! ), my symptoms were just like yours. I even had a small fever. It IS such a tough period to get through. I know.

    I definitely think you need, at this point, to read other Board Member's success stories...just to give you hope. Why don't you put up a thread here, asking for success stories from those who have been through a similar type withdrawal...and who took a similar drug. There are many here, but it would take a long time to search the archives...and I doubt you're feeling up to it!! If you put up a post, I am certain you will get lots of hope and inspiration!

    Thirdly -- Depression is probably one of the key symptoms you're experiencing now, as well. And, for me, that was the worst. Though you do have to wait out some of the depression right now--are you taking antidepressants to help you? Is depression normally a part of your life? Do you already take meds for that? You need all the help you can get with this particularly difficult effect of withdrawal. (Wild hormones are NOT helping!) Depression is one of the reasons so many people just give up and go back to drugs. This is the most delicate symptom to balance out--trying to gauge how much of the depression is in reaction to the withdrawal...and how much of it is part of your own brain chemistry. Please do think about this aspect, if you have not already. (Again, so sorry I don't know more of your history. I will search the archives, later. but I wanted to write this now!)

    And, lastly -- Having a birthday without your family being a part of it really makes my heart ache for you. Three weeks ago, my younger sister called me from Florida to tell me what a horrible dream she'd had....that it was her birthday....and she had no acknowledgment from our family or her friends. That was such a nightmare to her--and she's about to turn 54!!! So, neither age...nor the fact that we have such a small family left to even celebrate our birthdays....spared her from considering this a terrible enough dream to phone me and seek reassurance!!

    All I can say is that, perhaps, one day, you and your family will be able to talk this all through. I know many people who did not reconcile with their parents, etc. for many years....but, yet, it DID eventually happen. As we grow older, family connections seem to become more and more important. We start to put things in prospective. And, alienation is no longer bearable on either sides. So many families DO get back together again.

    In the meantime, let those very special people in your life, who are able to show their love for you right now, be the very center of your life. Try to focus on these people--do special things for them (it feels so good to, say, make your own card, put together a funny collage, or buy a silly, little gift for that person.) Mostly, though, just try to feel their love for you....and know that you are so very cared for....and so special in their eyes.

    And....a Happy Birthday to you. (When I was that age, we had a "club" called "The Quarter of a Century Club"--only 25 year olds need apply!!) I was living in London then, and new members enjoyed a night at the local pub, having a party with our equally-elderly friends. And, of course, the new member had to buy the first rounds! Then you could put your wallet away for the evening...and you were the "Birthday Girl/Boy"!!!

    No matter that it's a cliche..."this too SHALL pass"....and with each passing day, you will be getting further and further away from your addicition and closer and closer to your new life...sharing it with the people who love you.

    Feel better soon, Lynn

    Old 08-07-2004, 06:52 AM   #5
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    HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAISYE!!!! It may not be the 'best' you've celebrated, but you sure have a lot of friends WISHING you the BEST! So blow out those 25 candles on the Pepto Bismol (with lots of pink buttercream flowers, I hope!) and dream of all the happier birthdays to come. Hugs, birthday girl!

    Old 08-07-2004, 07:05 AM   #6
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    Re: Its my Birthday and I can't stop crying

    Hi kell-
    Happy Birthday-25 yrs old today...good year-(remembering when...aah yes....
    I wanted to say to you-i really can relate to your post-a few years ago-at birthday time-noone called/sent cards-(x-cept my youngest sis)cos-everyone was mad at me because of mY addiction-i was outcast-and i was born close to christmas-and i recieved a horrible intervention that year-basically saying i was not welcome to spend xmas w/ my family-
    I don't want to bother you-w/ my family dynamics-i wanted to say-
    STAY STRONG!!You are in the midst of w/d which brings on some heavy emotions-(i cried for a long time-everything that was pushed down/hidden by the drugs-came out-an avalanche of tears!!!its a good thing!
    Your fiance-is there for you-and i got to believe you will hear from some folks that care about you-
    But right now you are involved in something huge-that any one that is NOT an addict-can't possibly understand-w/d and getting clean is a giant step for your future and got so many great yrs ahead-i really hope you get thru this-and go for it-
    I know a few young addicts-(around your age..and im sad to say-they are in so deep i really feel sad-all thease years-(20's-30s)are those years of making dreams come true-love/career/family-having fun-and when i see someone really young all caught up-i know what there missing-
    I didn't get addicted (opiates)until my mid 30s-so i knew about digging life w/o it..and still its ripped my world apart.
    Happy birthday-sending you(((hugs/prayers)))thru cyberspace..
    Fight and live!!!

    Old 08-07-2004, 08:32 AM   #7
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    Oh, I wish I could hug you, Birthdays are sad in a way anyway- I am so proud of you for not taking JUST FOR TODAY!, try to "just be" today, no presure, no expectations. The fever is normal, the runs are normal, the crying is normal, wish I was there to tell you it's amazing how much everyone cares for you, as you can see with all the H B's you recd.

    Ya know when you were talking about your family... remember this....

    WHY KEEP GOING TO THE WELL, WHEN THE WELL IS DRY?(the well being your family), My family like yours and Lisa's has NEVER been there for me. Only to criticize me and make me feel like dirt about myself.

    My head doc said to find someone else like a woman who can be kinda like a sarigate Mother- quit going to your Family when you know they are just going to be judgmental of you.

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO KELL, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO KELL, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO KELL..... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO KELL, (off tone, but the good intensions were there), Lol lol lol

    Someone cares about you and am thinking of you today- please check in from time to time, and tell us your symtoms so all of us "experts in medicine"
    can give you advice.

    Remember, today will be just a memory, and you will look back and finally be able to see all the Angels you had around you.


    "I believe that friends lift us up when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."

    Old 08-07-2004, 08:45 AM   #8
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    One last thought to leave you with: thought it might help, on your birthday...
    When I was ready to "End it all" My boyfriend wrote me this. I wrote it on a post long ago, but I feel like it's so appropriate for you today on your birthday:

    A letter to me when I was thinking about ending it all:

    Here goes:
    Good morning baby...

    I have done a lot of thinking tonight.

    There are some important things that you need to know and remember:

    You are the most important person in the world (quite literally!) to two beautiful and talented little girls. These little girls will one day be women with lives and families of their own and will still count on you to be there to share their problems and joys. They will want you to share their lives with the wonderful woman who brought them into and up in this world. YOU CAN'T MISS THIS.

    NO MATTER HOW BAD YOU FEEL TODAY, TOMORROW, OR FOR A WHOLE MONTH AND EVEN A YEAR, there is a future in which you will be free from these pains and worries and all of your problems today will be but distant memories. These memories will seem more like a dream and will have no power over you or the wonderful life you will have created for yourself with the help from God and the people he has sent to your as company on your journey.

    When you feel most alone, you would be surprised to find that these may be the times when those around your are the most focused on you and on helping you through those dark days. Make a conscious effort during these times to point out these "angels" to yourself. You will find comfort in discovering that they have not abandoned you... even when you have taken uncounscious measures to drive them away.

    Remember something that you told me was said to you: "You are an angel and I am an angel God made to take care of you." This is an indisputable fact supported by plenty of evidence. You can't touch it or take a picture of it, but the evidence is all around you. In fact I can feel it around me and inside of me now.

    Lastly (at least for now), you should know that I personally won't let you drift away or give-up. Even if you truly desired to give up, which you don't, I would stand in the way like Mt. Everest. It is my mission to make sure you walk on through all of this so that you can look back on these days as something that had to happen so that you could grow and appreciate what lies on the other side.

    Expect a miracle...
    They're not so hard to come by. You are one.

    And, most importantly, don't give up 5 minutes before the miracle happens.

    More hugs,

    "I believe that friends lift us up when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."

    Old 08-07-2004, 09:23 AM   #9
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    Re: Its my Birthday and I can't stop crying

    Hey Kell I just wanted to wish you a very special and happy birthday today..
    I was thinking about your post and indeed at such a small weight 25 years
    ago there was I am sure a far greater reason you are here today to see the
    sun rise once again...when you least expect it that reason will reveal itself
    I am sure...Please dont beat yourself up about your addiction and the what
    ifs,etc...I can already tell the future that lies before you I am sure will be
    quite wondrous although there may bumps along the is still a road
    waiting to be traveled my friend...I will say a special prayer for you today and know I wish you the best...For what it is worth a couple of options for the
    nausea could be diphenhydramine with some metoclopramide or Zofran
    ( which I usually recommend first on most situations - use the ODT
    formulation it has a much quicker onset...) I am a big fan of using Clonidine
    when people are detoxing from opiates - it is available either as a TTS patch
    or tablets...Just my opinion but I dont like to recommend Pepto-the salicylate
    in it actually causes a lot more people more nausea in the long run...Although
    I have a decade on you in age - 35 here and maybe not anymore wisdom
    I can tell you there are a lot of us glad you are here and wishing you a
    great day today......

    Best Wishes.....Chris

    Old 08-07-2004, 11:02 AM   #10
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    Re: Its my Birthday and I can't stop crying

    Happy Birthday, my friend. I was thinking when I read your post how fortunate you are. I thought I was into my addiction, when I was 25, little did I know that it was going to get worse. I didn't want help, loved my life, thought it was exciting. I had to stay in that choas for another 20 some years, the fact that you are trying to get help at so young is so awesome. I don't think I even had the sense or maturity to get help. I love when I hear a young person going through the journey of recovery. You have made this a brighter day. I just posted on another post about how I believed that no one loved me too, however I realized that they loved me very much but the pain of seeing what I was doing to myself was so painfull they walked away so ,they didn't have to see it......maybe your family is finding it hard to see.

    Old 08-10-2004, 04:55 PM   #11
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    Re: Its my Birthday and I can't stop crying

    Hang in there Kells. You will better EVERY DAY as long as you don't use. And do use tools such as Smart Recovery and Twelve Step Meetings. An addict in Recovery is never alone.

    Old 08-11-2004, 03:57 AM   #12
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    Re: Its my Birthday and I can't stop crying

    Hey Kell... How are you feeling???? I was just checking in with ya, to see what is up??? How did your birthday go??? I hope to hear from ya soon!

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