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  • REHAB: scariest, but BEST DECISON IVE EVER MADE: Trying not to back out



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    Old 09-06-2004, 11:57 AM   #1
    Sarandipity
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    Exclamation REHAB: scariest, but BEST DECISON IVE EVER MADE: Trying not to back out

    Picture this: You check into the 32 day rehab- Its a 5 hour drive from your home: beautiful setting: lots of trees, deer walking around all over the place: the hill country. You Detox for 5 days with medical supervision, then you go into "process" where you are assigned a counselor and you talk to them one on one about what has happened in your life. For me it's going to be: My Family never showed me love or affection. I learned how to NOT trust people, to isolate, never fully opening my heart to anyone because I was frightened they would just let me down. I had a herniated and degenerative disk which I was prescribed meds for. I was on them for 3 years before I realized I was an addict. You move to a cabin with someone of the same sex. You are assigned projects, you go to meetings w/ others, you work out everyday, you go to "art" and make jewelrey with beads. You write a "goodbye" letter to the drugs. You go to a "seekers" meeting every morning which they read and practice the book " Purpose Driven Life " Then you invite your family up for a weekend to tell them what you are going through and how they can help with your disease. If they don't show up.... then you sit with your process counselor and they pull out an empty chair in which you pretend they are there and you are talking to them. (My family would not take a 5 hour drive to come see me.) They will make up some excuse.
    Then you go to meetings and work on your 12 steps. You go on the top of a hill and you say a prayer. You establish new relationships. I will be away from all the stressses of everyday life to fully concentrate on my disease. It's never cured. Only continuously treated. The scariest part for me is that I will have nothing to fall back on. No more pills. Nothing to deaden the pain I am feeling inside. Then I have to be without my children for 32 days. I am beside myself at leaving them but know in my heart of hearts that leaving them for 32 days and returning a better mother for the rest of my life is the right choice- no matter how difficult.

    The worst feeling in the world is taking drugs- which have been prescribed to you, and knowing you have formed an addiction to the drugs. You can't enjoy the drugs anymore, nor can you take them in the amount you started with. Your body forms "tollerance" to the drug.

    It's like little kids playing with toys: some kids can play with toys and then put them away, but some kids play too hard, break the toys, or play with them 24 hours a day.

    Im a 37 year old mother of two small children, ages 3 and 7. It's time for me to put away the toys.

    I had no idea I had a disease- it's "addiction" which most people don't even know what it is or how to treat it- not to mension all of the people who have it and don't know they have it.

    I have been crying for the past week strait. At work, and at home, and while Im driving, and anyone who I talk to about my surrender. I called a REHAB, they said I sounded like I need a extensive outpatient treatment. Then I called the local chapter of the Rehab here in town- the girl I talked to said I was taking the same meds she was when she went in treatment, Vicodin, Soma, and Ambien. I told her my situation, full time job, two small kids, single parent, divorced for two years. Sports injury- currently going to Physical Therapy. Ive been taking the meds for 3 Years. Im an addict. I told her what my doctor said about tapering me off the meds after I finished the Physical Therapy. I told her I could not be trusted to taper- I am weak, the problem runs so much deeper then just the pills. She convinced me to go. She said dont stop taking the pills now. Don't worry about going until you are there.
    Ive had nightmares about bugs- ants all over my house and little bugs with large, sharp teeth- I think the bugs represent the pills, dirty little pests that are so hard to get rid of.

    Lastly- I want to tell you, Chris, Bestfriend, Banker, Godessgrl, Fisherpard, Dallas Alice, BC, Lisahubb, Sammi, Jen, Michelle, Chefob1, Windysan, Rebecca, Christianmom, Twinlynn, Murphy, and Philster: you have been the reason I choose REHAB. I cannot thank enough for saving my life, and the lives of my Children.

    I have one request.... That you will pray for the following:

    1. That my ex husband will not be spightfull and try and take custody of my kids.

    2. That my ex husband will not tell my small children that Mommy is going away and it's my choice to be away from my kids.

    3. That when I ask my sister to keep my kids for 32 days- she will understand and give me her blessing and keep them.

    4. And that when I talk to human resources next week- they will not treat me any differently, but realize Im trying to do the right thing- and change my life for the better, and really "be there" for my children.
    __________________
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    -Sara

     
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    Old 09-06-2004, 12:04 PM   #2
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    Re: REHAB: scariest, but BEST DECISON IVE EVER MADE: Trying not to back out

    Wow, god blees and good luck, I'll say a prayer for you and you're children.

     
    Old 09-06-2004, 12:15 PM   #3
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    Re: REHAB: scariest, but BEST DECISON IVE EVER MADE: Trying not to back out

    PS. I forgot to say that I am going to go cold turkey with my bad back. It will be interesting to know how much pain I really have without taking 12 Hydro's a day. I am making an appt. with my physical therapist this week, as well as my gen care physican. I have to get a letter stating my injury and that I am currently going to PT. In an emergency situation- the REHAB which I had chooen to go to - will drive me to the nearest town for help. Which is a huge relief.

    After reading my thread- I noticed how many times I mensioned I am doing this for my kids. I want everyone to know that this is for me-

    God wants my whole heart- and for me not to lean on the pills anymore for comfort.

    I also wanted everyone to know Im going on September 17th. And will come home 32 days later.

    What a small price to pay for the rest of my life. Hopefully everyone including my family and my ex husband will see it the same way.

    So much love,
    Sara
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    -Sara

     
    Old 09-06-2004, 12:29 PM   #4
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    Re: REHAB: scariest, but BEST DECISON IVE EVER MADE: Trying not to back out

    My "best" mom in the world,

    In one of my post today , I asked about you. I had really worried about you but I felt in the last post you made to me that God had plans for you. I am so excited for you. It will be the best road you have ever taken. The recovery rate for most treatment centers are really good for success. I wished I would have had that option.

    You don't have to ask me to pray for you because I have not since you helped me through some hard days. I think I told you that once a long time ago I was a devout man, one who prayed many times daily. I had my eyes set on the goal and my life had meaning and was balanced. My daugher who is now 14 (I still have this hanging on my wall at work) when she was 6 she made a big drawing and reason she admired me on Father's Day.

    The number one on the List say's 1. He loves God

    It brings tears to my eyes everytime I look at that because it could read the reasons I don't like my dad 1. He loves Pills

    So I am going to try and not be a major motor mouth and say..............................I will not only pray for you but ask some Prayer warriors to include my adopted mom.

    We will all rejoice when this is over and I know all the angels will sing.

    with affection,
    fisherman

     
    Old 09-06-2004, 12:34 PM   #5
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    Re: REHAB: scariest, but BEST DECISON IVE EVER MADE: Trying not to back out

    Love to you. Prayers for you too.
    If you are checking into La Ha or Starlight and you maintain the drive to heal and recover..man...get ready for the miracle.


    Update us.

     
    Old 09-06-2004, 12:58 PM   #6
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    Re: REHAB: scariest, but BEST DECISON IVE EVER MADE: Trying not to back out

    Ah, my sweet "little bird," Frida,

    First, please know that I am so very supportive and proud and happy for you. Then please know that just as soon as I go and compose myself after reading your wonderful, wonderful post, and do the four things you asked of us, I will be back in full DallasAlice-diatribe-writing form so I can properly tell you my thoughts on this very brave and intelligent, life-altering decision you have made. I wish I could take your tears away and cry them for you...you have a lot to do to get ready for this and it's hard when you can't breathe and you have red swollen peepers...but I know I can't, and I know that you NEED to feel them so you can get started on what will be the most inner-thoughts-delving experience you are so fortunate to be able to explore.

    Quickly, though for now, I will just close with a few things. For starters...did you know that you were one of the very small handful of people who helped me make my decision to go to the methadone clinic I'm now at? And more importantly, did you know you were also one of the few folks whom I trusted enough and whom I felt "got me" and therefore, because of that feeling you created, I listened to you, and you helped save my life the night I came here to this board contemplating suicide when I first posted here back in June?

    Do you know how much it meant to me to share "move-theatre" pill stories with you? On that note, I have a new one to share with you (and Jen, too, if she sees this). Yours and my last movie theatre stories happened when we were in full blown addiction...I was with my kids seeing "Spiderman," and thought I'd dropped a pill on the floor as I was taking some hydro during the previews--so I could enjoy the flick more, you knew what I meant! I was preoccupied thru the whole movie, and when it was over, I was on the sticky, dirty, popcorn and pop-spilled on floor on my hands and knees trying to find that ONE stinkin' little pill! I even had ushers with flashlights helping me...and my kids saw the whole thing, do you remember? The way I recall your movie-theatre story, while in your seat, you used the opportunity of what you thought was a loud part of the movie to begin your search for a hydro and was digging around in your pill bottle with your finger (LOL...this cracks me up...trying to determine by size and shape which pill it was you were after) when then, all of a sudden the "then-loud" part of the movie became deafeningly quiet, so much so that much of what the other movie patrons heard was the sound of your finger going through your prescription bottle!

    Well, I'm here to tell you that even in recovery, movie-theatre stories still happen, my sweet and honest gal pal, Sara. A few weeks ago, I decided to take my kids to see "Alien vs. Predator" and I kept thinking how cool it was going to be that for the first time, I was going on a movie outing with them without taking any pills for "enhancement!" Only problem was, when the flick was over and the curtain went up, thankfully the lights came on and I awoke from my having nodded off! Thankfully, I caught most of the movie so I could talk (or "bluff" I should say) my way through the post-movie gab session. Thank goodness, they didn't see me nodding off! I'm certain of that because they would have said something right away if they'd seen my "bobble-head!" They loved the movie & were totally engrossed in it, and fortunately the nod didn't hit me until almost the end, and it was sooooooo loud and they were so caught up in the big fight scene that they were on the edge of their seats, and they weren't looking at me. My daughter can't keep anything to herself and she would have said something immediately as she was sitting next to me.

    So anyway, as Jen knows and is helping me understand, one of the side effects of the Methadone is drowsiness, and in the beginning especially, I was "nodding off" right and left. It was like narcolepsy as I could doze off at absolutely the most inappropriate times if I had the chance--never have I drank so much coffee in my life like I did the first month of being on methadone.

    Enough about me, but I hope I gave you a laugh, Sara...and I will be back soon this afternoon or tonight, there is much I want to share with you.

    With all my love, respect and admiration,
    Dallas

     
    Old 09-06-2004, 01:06 PM   #7
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    Re: REHAB: scariest, but BEST DECISON IVE EVER MADE: Trying not to back out

    Shue,

    Im checking into Lahacienda. Otherwise known as "LaHa", in Hunt. It's 5 hours from my home. I went this weekend for a tour. It scared the heck out
    of me as well as excited me.

    Im very afraid.

    10 thousand dollars later, on top of insurance,
    Sara
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    -Sara

     
    Old 09-06-2004, 05:11 PM   #8
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    Re: REHAB: scariest, but BEST DECISON IVE EVER MADE: Trying not to back out

    Anyone familiar with the desire to use again after rehab?
    __________________
    "I believe that friends lift us up when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
    -Sara

     
    Old 09-06-2004, 07:43 PM   #9
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    Re: REHAB: scariest, but BEST DECISON IVE EVER MADE: Trying not to back out

    BC, you there? Please give me insight on a 32 day rehab.

    Thanks in advance if you read this...

    Sara
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    -Sara

     
    Old 09-06-2004, 08:46 PM   #10
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    Re: REHAB: scariest, but BEST DECISON IVE EVER MADE: Trying not to back out

    Hi Sara,

    I'd love to talk...did you see my post to you on this thread?! I'll try to find you tomorrow. I think this rehab would be a wonderful thing, and realistically, in the short time you are gone, it would be a small time away from your kids when you look at the whole big picture...and it would certainly be time well spent.

    Because you are brutally honest with those around you and with yourself, I know you would get the most out of rehab that it can offer. In fact, I have no doubt that you would demand it...LOL! If you have the time, the money, and the desire, then take yourself away from this pain, and learn about other ways so that you never again have to go through this.

    I understand about the ex and the courts, but given your valid physical pathology, I truly think you would be seen in the court's eyes (if it even ever came to that) as someone who has a chronic pain issue, but who is trying to handle it in a non-narcotic way. Your kids aren't suffering nor are they neglected or abused. I see no problem there. As far as work, I would think that in this day and age, addiction brought about by very real pain issues is treated in the same form as any other disease. Once again, you are doing something that in the long run will not cost the company time lost due to sleeplessness or pain, and you will be a more productive employee when this is all over.

    What do you think about what I've said?
    Love,
    Dallas

    Last edited by Administrator; 09-27-2004 at 02:09 AM.

     
    Old 09-06-2004, 08:46 PM   #11
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    Re: REHAB: scariest, but BEST DECISON IVE EVER MADE: Trying not to back out

    Dear Sara...How very happy,proud and excited for you that you have decided
    on the 32 day rehab..-you are truly an inspiration to us all and will always
    continue to hold a special place in my heart..This weekend I kept checking
    for posts/replies from ya...however,I already felt, " that sixth sense " that
    you were making the final preparations,plans,etc for your rehab stay..Trust
    me,my friend it will be the best decision you ever made in your life..Sara-you
    are almost there gal...keep fighting,the tears,apprehension,anxiety,etc are
    "normal"..though quite disconcerting to the one experiencing them..The money
    you will spend on the rehab will be the best money you have spent ever !...for
    it will open so many more doors for ya...self confidence,healthy relationships,
    a life for you and your children and family where all dreams and hopes for the
    future will materialize,work promotions,etc...As far as HR, I believe " the rehab " will be handled thru
    your insurance and EAP ( separate from HR )...remember HIPAA and ADA..-but
    please check me on this..As far as the family weekend although you feel now
    your family will not drive the 5 hrs...I would drive 100 miles if I could to be there..for Sara I consider you a very big part of my " family "..and altho I
    cannot be there physically for family weekend...trust me my friend I shall be there in mind,spirit,prayer and thoughts....so if you should ever feel
    " alone " there remember I will be praying and thinking of you,your children,
    your family every day!..Sara I understand about your legitimate pain issues
    and the associated anxiety when we have " crossed that line "...Dont forget,
    I was dxed with Fibro approx. 1 yr ago and then 9 mos ago herniated cervical
    disks with severe pain and spinal cord compression and neurological deficits
    from the herniation...thus the necessary ASAP surgery- ACDF with donor bone
    and plates and screws...Because of the extreme pain I was rxed Hydrocodone
    10/325,Soma,Valium,Alprazolam and for the " #10 on the pain scale-straight
    oxycodone and morphine sulfate I.R....I kicked them all,still 100% clean-however because we share "similar pain issues " I will NOT lie to you..it has
    been tough dealing with the pain with no meds for it- I use thermacare wraps,
    massage tx at my home 2 x week, and starting yoga next week,and I also
    try and "walk off " the pain and thank GOD everyday although I still have
    chronic pain...the surgery was a success so far and I am not dead pr paralyzed,etc...God ,indeed has given me a second chance at life...You will
    also my friend get thru this-before rehab,during rehab,after rehab,dealing
    with your pain,etc...You will Sara,I know this in my heart !...Please know I
    will pray morning and nightly for you,your children,your family and know that
    I am ALWAYS here for you...Just let me know and I will "knock at your door
    day or night with a reply/post..."..In Closing, there is a very,very personal
    story I could share with you and others here on the board concerning " my
    rehab facility " experience many,many years ago...altho I have NEVER told a
    soul..I can now share it with you if you want...if only in hopes of helping you
    or others here...by the way altho it was " scarey " at first -it was a very,very
    positive experience that changed my life for the better...Please let me know if
    you want me to share it with ya....

    Love Ya...You Rock Gal !!! Chris

    Last edited by WICHRIS; 09-06-2004 at 08:56 PM.

     
    Old 09-07-2004, 03:16 AM   #12
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    Re: REHAB: scariest, but BEST DECISON IVE EVER MADE: Trying not to back out

    The desires will still be there after rehab but that is where the meetings come in. Make sure to make at least 3 per week for the 1st 6 months or so. You are doing a very wise thing. It is difficult but if you wanna quit for good then rehab is the best way. God bless you and your children.

     
    Old 09-07-2004, 10:32 AM   #13
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    Re: REHAB: scariest, but BEST DECISON IVE EVER MADE: Trying not to back out

    Chris,
    Are you ready for this... I called my PT, letting her know that Im going to treatment, I asked her if I could rent a tens unit for my pain. She said yes, but I would advise againist it. She said don't pick up another pain reliever to lean on- she said STOP EVERYTHING, and rely on your higher power.

    Tell me how small this world is.... she worked with the girls's mother who got me to change my mind and GO to REHAB. She was in admin work at the Physical Therapist office. Weird. It's such a small world. Anyway- my PT said she was so proud of me for trying to make a better life for myself.

    Dallas,
    I read your post. It cracked me up! I forgot all about digging for my vic's in the quiet part of the movie- sticking my finger in the bottle making loud noises then when the movie went quiet.. everyone could hear me digging for my pills.


    Lovin all of you,

    Sara
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    -Sara

    Last edited by Administrator; 09-27-2004 at 02:11 AM.

     
    Old 09-07-2004, 06:56 PM   #14
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    Re: REHAB: scariest, but BEST DECISON IVE EVER MADE: Trying not to back out

    Good luck in rehab. As far as your husband, I know that in the state of Alabama, a judge will not find fault with a mother who has sought help in rehab. If your ex tells the judge you have a drug problem and you haven't sought help, that will not look good. Now you can admit that you do have a drug problem, but you are doing something about it. You are getting help. You no longer have to fear what you have done in the past. It doesn't matter what you have done in the past but what you are doing about your problem today. Hold your head up high. It takes a lot of guts to admit that you need help and that you are going to get it. Your girls will forever be greatful.

    Don't worry if it is for your children that you are going to rehab. Go for whatever gets you there but realize you have to want it for yourself too. Once you get the drugs out of you system and you see things clearer, you will want to stay that way. Stay clean for yourself and your girls.

    I am proud of you. You go girl!

     
    Old 09-07-2004, 07:02 PM   #15
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    Re: REHAB: scariest, but BEST DECISON IVE EVER MADE: Trying not to back out

    One other thing. You can not control what your ex tells your girls. The truth always surfaces. It may be years but your girls will understand why you went to rehab. They will know it was for them and for you. If their dad runs you down about it, the girls will resent him and will one day let him know exactly how they feel about the issue.

    you ex will just be shooting himself in the foot in the long run if he runs his mouth to those girls. Why would a grown man want to hurt his children by saying anything ugly and non supportive about his children's mother? Who knows the answer to that one! He hurts them and you, but you stay clean and prove what a determined woman can do when she sets her mind to it.

    The girls will know what you did for them and love you more and more for it.

     
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