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Trying to jump back in here...

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Old 10-17-2004, 03:36 AM   #1
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Chicago Ridge,Illinois
Posts: 207
Hope12 HB User
Trying to jump back in here...

Haven't really posted here in a while-I'm seeing so many "new" people, and a few older ones I'm familiar with(TwinLynn,Best Friend,Lisa,Michelle,Banker...)-I've been lurking on and off for some time now,struggling with my ongoing recovery-it is SO hard,and has been so draining for me.November 5th will mark 9 months "clean" for me (after a 50/pill a day habit),but I still struggle with quite a bit of anxiety,tension,cravings,and the general feeling of gee,why is it I want to be clean again??? Which is one of the motivating factors for me to start posting here again.Besides actual face to face meetings,this place proved absolutely invaluable to me thru my detox and early months of recovery.At this point,I figured I better start opening up my mouth and expressing some of what I have been feeling,because I think I'm on a one way street to RELAPSE.So, in the meantime,I've been reading posts and trying to remind myself of how it felt to be in full blown sickening withdrawal every couple of days,of the struggle to maintain my insane level of addiction,and what it was like to have to chase my "doc" around every single day by either running to different emergency rooms or 10 different doctors every single day of my life.Help,help,help.I've missed everybody's wonderful words of encouragement,and the wonderful sense of humor that so many people on this board possess (I won't mention any names,TwinLynn,BestFriend... )
Right now,there are so many things going on in my life-mainly with two of my teenage boys-that has brought on a huge amount of stress for me,that the thought of grabbing a prescription and swallowing a couple of what's inside is VERY tempting,VERY VERY tempting.Reality check though,if I lose myself in pills again,I will lose my boys forever,because right now,I have to be at the top of my game and keep my senses sharp to be able to maintain the fight I'm in to keep these two boys out of trouble and alive.A well established Chicago street gang is trying to wisk my boys away from us,and I am in a full fledged war against these murderers,and have had several confrontations with "rival" gangs,complete with nine millimeters and other weapons of choice staring me right in the face.I cannot believe the full fledged nightmare my family has been hurled into in the past couple of months.But maintaining my sobriety has to come first,so I am able to continue in this fight.I literally cannot let my guard down for a split second.And so besides asking for God's help,I am seeking I guess some words of encouragement,hope,and some humor to help me along the way.Lord,don't fail me now.And God Bless this board,and the outstanding people here that makes this board so absolutely wonderful.More details later,I've got to get back to my "guardpost",but at least I have this board to look forward to.

Peace to everyone,

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Old 10-17-2004, 04:57 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 1,525
lisaaahubb HB User
Re: Trying to jump back in here...

HIHOPE!!!!! I have wondered on and off where you have been and what is going on with you. WOW...nine months of sobriety...i'm green with envy Well i've got a little over a week, once again
O.K....about the boys and this gang....why the hell do they want your boys?? Is this a drug thing or a territory thing??? Are your boys thinking that they want this type of gangster life???? Maybe there is some type of community out-reach program where you could have an old gang-banger come and talk to them about how crappy of a life it really is. Or even a mentor or something like that????
I know quite a bit about gangs...since my hubbys served time in prison 10 years ago, and he talks so much about it. Maybe he will have some ideas, i will pass it by him when he wakes up this morninng.
Well one thing you do know is you have GOT to be with it.....if you turn back to pills you will be numb and careless and they will be on top then. When we use pills, it is sad to say, but all we care about is pills, pills, pills, not our kids, or cleaning or cooking or how beautiful the fall air know the deal. I remember you posting when you first got straight,and your kids were looking at you like you were insane cuz you were up and cooking meals and cleaning.
Would it ever be possible to move if this worsens with the gang situation????
This is one of the reasons that we moved to a "country-cow town"...when we lived in the city a girl was threatening to slash my daughter's face with a razor blade because all the boys thought she was so pretty. The school did NOTHING.....called me over-protective and how i have to let my daughter work thru her own problems....i pulled her out 5 days later and we moved to this small town...and things have never been so good for her and her brothers. I just knew if my daughter went thru this, my sons would be next but it would've been more along the line of the boys "joining" these gangs.
So if moving isn't an about getting them involved in sports and keeping them busy,busybusy....i have a feeling there is a little more to the story....are they into drugs???? How about talking to a local minister, or even in the local prisons, they have alot of people that will speak to young adults about gangs and what it had done to their lives.
I don't know, Hope, i hope you can continue to endure this while maintaining your sobriety. This sounds so freakin scary. I will pray for you and your boys. I don't pray much anymore, but i feel connected to you in some way....we used to have some good ol chats
Well i hope i can help you some way....keep posting, i miss you and many others....we gotta get a reunion going on here LOL
Oh one more the heck did you make it nine months sober?? What is your secret to success???? I seemm to do good for a month or two and then back to using for a few weeks, and then back to using and on and on....
Well give those boys a big hug and tell them how important they are to you. I am so glad to see you are posting again.....We will figure something out, i am sure there are many others on this board that are familiar with the gang lifestyle.
Keep in touch, i will checkback in a few
luv ya tons!!!!!!

Old 10-17-2004, 12:30 PM   #3
Best Friend
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 372
Best Friend HB User
Re: Trying to jump back in here...

Stacie!!! WOW!!! So good to see you back! I was checking the boards before I went offline and just saw your message. I am so very very sorry for all the 'stuff' you've had to deal with. But I'm also so very happy for you that you're almost 9 months clean. THAT is quite an accomplishment, and you KNOW your friends here will be jumping in to help you at this pivotal stage of your journey. The only thing I can say about your thoughts of relapse is to remember that as much as you feel 'out of sorts' at this stage of recovery, it is STILL so much better than where you were before. Each 'clean' month, you get closer to GENUINELY feeling good again. The "anxiety, tension, stress, cravings" you say you feel now won't, alas, 'go away' even if you chose to use again....the drugs just KEEP you (and all of us!) feeling horrible, so it's just a vicious cycle! At least, with all these months behind you, you're this much closer to getting past those feelings and back to the 'old you!' Will write more, soonest....but in the meantime, hugs from The Terrible Twins!
Alice & Lynn

Old 10-18-2004, 12:02 PM   #4
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 1,031
Twinlynn HB User
Smile Re: Trying to jump back in here...


Sooooo good to hear your 'voice' again! Another few weeks and you would have been the lead story in Robert Stack's "Unsolved Mysteries"!!! LOL!!! "UPDATE! UPDATE!"

Nine month's, huh?!?! The exact amount of time needed to create a brand new person--yourself!!! This is really wonderful news. And, from what I've read on this Board, everyone who's reached this goal, struggles with the same loss--saying good-bye to "old friends" (old pills), who were always there for them--during pharmacy hours!!

Following Lisa's long battle has been one of the most "real" for me--because I know that I will have those exact same difficulties. Putting faith in a brain that has learned to look for happiness in carefully timed doses--a brain that's forgotten that happiness is a natural reaction to a happy event. NOT a "short, sharp shock" you can predict in 20 minutes...a sudden "blast", to change some miserable daily chore into "a thing of joy"!! I mean--REALLY--why SHOULD vacuuming a floor help you find your "inner bliss"!! LOL!!

But, we do forget how to experience "natural" joy...and I suspect it takes awhile for it to come back. Lisa's description to me of things like actually smelling the fall leaves and finding them beautiful (instead of just KNOWING they smell nice and are beautiful), perfectly sums up that opposite hyper feeling I get from "happy pills"....when your brain will not allow you the quiet joy of your senses taking over...or let you truly "feel" the experience.

And, although I know how much you both struggle with slipping "back"--I'm going to cheer you both on as much as I can!

The gang problem with your boys is pretty horrifying. The gangs must feel pretty omnipotent if they don't feel they have to worry about such aggressive tactics in "recruiting." I just don't know enough about the whole "gangs" thing to say anything helpful. But I can understand how terrible you must feel battling them as WELL as your own drug situation.

Gotta get off the computer now...but I'll be getting back to you. It is just really great to hear from you again! (No more LOL!

good to have you back, Lynn xxx

Old 10-18-2004, 01:25 PM   #5
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Chicago Ridge,Illinois
Posts: 207
Hope12 HB User
Re: Trying to jump back in here...

OH boy-it is SO great to hear from you guys!!! Sorry I didn't get back real soon-my computer time is limited with everything going on.
LISA!!So happy someone can identify a little with what's going on with this gang crap.It's not so much drugs, more of a territorial thing,and it just seems so insane to me,but to these people, they've made it a life or death situation.Gangs from the city have infiltrated certain suburbs to gain more territory,expand the number of members. I have notified my kid's school,been face to face with three different suburban police forces,and am making it a mission to pull my boys back from this nightmare.I go back and forth between fear and anger,and I am literally on guard almost 24/7.This is taling about all I have inside of me,and it's real draining-I guess that's why the idea of losing myself inside a prescription bottle is so tempting for me right now-however,I know it's not the answer,and truth be told,I don't ever want to go back to being the useless marshmallow I once was.But ohhh,I know your struggle!!Let me say these past 9 months haven't been without any "slips".But the worst I have done is take a dose or two of whatever and then moved on.I think the driving force for me is to redeem myself as a parent,all the mistakes I have made in the past few years,not wanting to see the disappointment in my kid's eyes anymore.I still have a long way to go,believe me-but I'm slowly laying down a foundation,and rebuilding from there.But I can say when I'm alone,and my thoughts are wandering,I can still literally start getting the shakes,my heart starts racing,and all I want to do is find my pills and disappear.I don't think that will ever go away, I swear.Continue with your fight Lisa.I, too feel a connection with you,as I can read in your posts the same struggle with getting clean,relapsing,getting clean,etc.etc....I did the same thing until my habit got so out of control that,and I swear God put this thought/feeling into me,I knew if I didn't stop,I would die.It wasn't a possibility I would die,I somehow KNEW I was going to die.So I say to you,hang in there,when the time is right,you will feel it inside,the finality of it,the REAL end.You will finally go beyond a couple months clean time,break that barrier so to speak.Nope,it's not easy.It's still not easy for me.And probably never will be.But you will begin to find things that start to matter to you all over again,and that will give you the motivation to keep striving to maintain your sobriety.I learned not to destroy myself if I "slipped",because that would of only led me right into a full blown relapse,and to just keep going.And going.The anxiety I can get is still so overwhelming at times,and those are the times I get myself out of the house-if only to step onto my front porch and breath a little-and at other times it's led to my slip ups.I now realize I'm human,and forgive myself at those times.Thank you so much for posting back to me so fast,I was so happy to see you here!!!And I'm am absolutely here to help you with whatever I can,when I can.You ARE going to succeed Lisa,it WILL happen.I,too, had gotten away from praying for a while,and I can feel the difference,but rest assured,you will be in my prayers this evening.
And here's the terrible twins!!It is SO SO inspirational to hear from BOTH of you!! I think I am still your number one fan!!I kid you not.I think at this stage of the game I have to go back to some of thoses strategies I used in the early months of recovery,and kind of get "back to the basics",so to speak,and remember why I wanted to get clean in the first place.This is indeed,a journey.And sitting here talking to you,I can start to remember the things,little things,that have kept me going.I do think now,that I really DO have some "brain damage",and it's going to take quite a while for the healing process.And knowing that all it takes is a couple little pills to wipe the pain away can be too easy of a temptation at times,but I do realize it's not going to change the situation,and mostly just aggravate it.Looking back over these past almost nine months I CAN see some of the progress I've made into redeeming myself as a human being again,but there is still such a LONG road ahead.And my boys are the biggest challenge to date.But I'm fighting these battles one by one,and I don't plan to fail.SEEE!! Your replies have already made me take the time to stop and think,and rethink,and regenerate,This is why I need you guys,why I came back.I just hope I can be of some inspiration to you also as you continue in your own fight.
And one more note,Lisa,you had asked about moving,and I am considering it,very much in fact,and life in corntown might be just what we need (that is,anyway,where I "originated" from, a small town).
It is so wonderful to hear from you guys,I just knew I could count on you.I will write more later,as my young villains are returning home from school,and I'm gonna have to get back to my command post(hehe).Talk to ya soon!!!

Peace and Love,Stacie

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