It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Addiction & Recovery Message Board

  • need serious help explaining hydro addiction to boyfriend, and quitting pills



  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 11-01-2004, 11:35 PM   #1
    venus21
    Newbie
     
    venus21's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2003
    Posts: 9
    venus21 HB User
    Question need serious help explaining hydro addiction to boyfriend, and quitting pills

    Hello everyone,

    I have posted on this board a few times before, but it has been a couple months now. Basically, I posted a while back explaining a little about my history with drug addiction, and my current problems with hydrocodone. I wrote a very long post about this, but I will go back over my history briefly, I am sure most people wonít remember my post. Really, I just want to get to a question I have about my boyfriend and how to explain my addiction. I am really struggling with trying to get off pills, and feeling like my boyfriend, though he wants to help, really doesnít understand. I will get to explain that situation/problem after going over a little history. I am sorry if this post turns into an incredibly long rant, but I have so much on my mind.

    So, anyway, I am a 22-year-old female, a senior at a 4-year college. I have a very long history with addiction, about 10 years now, which feels like forever to me, considering I am young, and this constitutes just about half of my life. Since I was about 11 years old, I have abused some substance or another. Even though I have probably been a drug addict/alcoholic in one form or another since childhood, I don't feel that I truly knew addiction until I discovered painkillers a few years ago. It was over two years ago now that I got heavily addicted to pills. I started by buying morphine and oxycontin off the street, and got addicted before I knew it. From the first time I took pills, I just felt it was the drug for me. I was addicted to the morphine for about a year, until my supply ran out. Desperate, I looked into ordering pills online, and as I do have a legitimate problem with severe migraines, the pills were not hard to obtain. I thought in going from very strong narcotics to weaker ones (the hydrocodone), I would be able to control my addiction. Little did I know, at least for me, hydrocodone would be the most difficult drug to get off of, that I have ever encountered. My addiction quickly shot to taking 20 or more Norco or Lortab 10's daily. I am scared to death that I am killing my liver with all of the Tylenol I am consuming on a daily basis. Really, I don't know what to do anymore. I am so frightened, and I feel so helpless. I work about 30 hours a week at a low paying job. All of my money goes to ordering pills. All of my time and energy seems to be spent procuring pills, counting pills, taking pills, and worrying about how to get more pills. I am not the same person I used to be. I am no longer a social drug user at all. I take pills alone constantly; none of my friends take them or understand at all what I am going through. I want to be me again, the person I used to be. I donít want a drug to control my life. I need to get over the withdrawal, actually get all of the way through it instead of panicking and giving up within a couple of days, like I do every time. It is more and more discouraging every time I fail, I have not successfully withdrawn from the pills since I started taking them years ago.

    I no longer feel like a normal person. It is hard for me to make friends now. I can not go out and have a drink at a bar without worrying I will have liver failure on the spot, considering I am consuming thousands of mgs of Tylenol a day. I cannot be spontaneous and go do things, I have to constantly plan how many pills I will need to get through the day. I am incredibly busy all of the time, which doesn't help. I go to school two days a week. I used to be extremely serious about school. Lately, however, I just can't keep up. The five days of the week I am not at school, I am working, usually all day. I cannot afford to miss any school, as my grades and graduation are already hanging in a precarious balance. I cannot miss work either. With being so busy all of the time, I find it nearly impossible to quit taking pills. I have tried to stop several times, but I am always in so much pain, and in such a state of complete panic that I break down by the second or third day. It is impossible for me to keep up my schedule when I am so sick. I have tried so many times to come up with pill tapering plans, but it never seems to work. I am really at a complete loss on what to do. Still, I am determined to stop taking the pills. I am going to try and try until I get it.

    My whole pill addiction has become much more complicated as of late. About 3 months ago now, I began dating a coworker, someone whom I had been casually friends with for a while. The coworker knew a little of my drug addiction, and seemed reluctant to get involved with me initially, but we quickly fell for each other, and ended up dating anyway. Now our relationship is to the point where I sleep at his house more than my own. I am truly falling in love with this guy, and it is amazing. He is caring and wonderful in many ways. When I have conversations with him about my pill addiction, he sometimes tries to understand, but really, I don't think that he does. He has been telling me for some time now that if I don't stop taking the pills, and soon, he will leave me. This crushes me. The thought of losing someone, whom I like so much, over these STUPID pills, is the most horrible thing. But I just cannot stop taking the pills, or at least it is extremely, extremely hard for me to stop though there are a million reasons why I need to quit. I want to stop so badly, but it is such a struggle.

    While my boyfriend is genuinely caring in so many ways, he doesnít seem to know how to help or how to act at all when I try to quit the pills. Really, the whole thing seems to just annoy him at times, which I feel so bad about. I donít to bother him, I want him to see that this is a real problem and Iím doing the best I can.

    I mean, just talking about my addiction with him is great, he listens so patiently, and can be so nice about it, and it is a huge relief to have someone to talk to. Still, he seems to think that addiction is something that you can just stop, if you want to. He thinks that I have a willpower problem, which I suppose I do, but I don't think he understands that I feel completely out of control, I no longer feel it is a choice to take pills. Also, he doesn't seem to understand that when I try to stop taking the pills, I am truly SICK. I feel horrible, I am in excruciating pain, and mentally I am a complete wreck. I just need him to be understanding with me when I try to stop, just for a few days. I hate putting him through this, I feel guilty and embarrassed, but at this point I have no choice, I need him. I am not if the whole thing scares him or what, but I feel like he avoids me when I am going through withdrawals. I will be laying on his bed crying, in so much pain, with violent cramps, and the only thing I want is for him to lay with me, talk to me, rub my back, do SOMETHING to distract me. I will tell him how bad I feel, and I know he cares about me, but for some reason he would just rather hang out with his roommate and watch movies than be with me. Maybe I am asking too much of him? I don't want to burden him. He is such a good person, and I know he truly WANTS to help me and see me get off pills, I really think he just does not understand HOW addictive pills are. I don't know how to explain to him how serious pill addiction is. I know I cannot put all of this on him, and I donít want to. I want to get help for myself. But right now, my immediate concern is just getting off of the pills, as soon as possible, and for that I need his support, or at least some understanding. I am going to try to stop again this week, and I need to talk to him first.

    I was wondering if anyone has had a similar experience with this, explaining to a boyfriend/girlfriend about a painkiller addiction. AND, mainly, I am REALLY hoping some of you out there have some stories you could share with me about your own experiences (or those experiences of a loved one), with hydro addiction, hydro withdrawal, and the whole recovery/relapse process. I was thinking that maybe my boyfriend and I could look at this board together, I think he could learn a lot from all of your enlightening posts. I am going to show him this post, I hope it will show how I feel. But please, if anyone who has had problems with pills could please post, with personal stories, or advice on how to help someone through withdrawal (or at least how to deal with someone in withdrawal) that would be amazing. Any input would be so greatly appreciated, because as I said, I am trying to stop again soon and I need to get this all out in the open. I just want him to see what a real struggle it is to get off of hydrocodone, but that it isn't hopeless, it can be done. For anyone who actually read my post to this point, thank you so much. I hope everyone on the board is doing well, and thanks in advance for any comments or stories.

    Venus21

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 11-02-2004, 04:44 AM   #2
    windysan
    Inactive
    (male)
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Location: the South
    Posts: 645
    windysan HB User
    Re: need serious help explaining hydro addiction to boyfriend, and quitting pills

    It appears that you still have a life left. Go and get some help before you lose everything(boyfriend, job, school, everything). "Tapering" is next to impossible and a medical detox is the way to go. Following detox you should do at least 28 days in a rehab. The toughest part is making the decision to go and get clean. If you are truly sick and tired of the chaos then you'll go check in. The boyfriend, the job, the school....all irrelavant if you die from drug abuse. Make a plan today.

     
    Old 11-02-2004, 06:52 PM   #3
    venus21
    Newbie
     
    venus21's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2003
    Posts: 9
    venus21 HB User
    Re: need serious help explaining hydro addiction to boyfriend, and quitting pills

    Hello everyone,

    I hope that my post last night did not bother anyone. I am not sure why I didn't really get any responses. I didn't mean to come off like my addiction is not as serious a problem as my relationship. I take the addiction very seriously. That is why I am attempting to quit the pills when they run out in the next day or so. I am going to try NA meetings, as well. Really, I was just hoping someone could give me some input on thier own struggles with quitting hydrocodone. Not only would it help me, but I think showing my boyfriend that this is a real problem, that many people struggle with, would help him know how to deal with me, especially while I am trying to stop. Anyway, last night I was just really upset about all of this stuff, so my post turned kind of long and rambling. It was cathartic, but now I am a bit embarrased that I wrote so much personal stuff. I really poured out all of what was on my mind. Anyway, I would still greatly appreciate any input on dealing with addiction in relationships, or just on hydrocodone or pill addiction in general. I feel like my post was innapropriate or something, since no one really responed. And thank you to the one person who did, I know that I need help, and I wasn't trying to make it sound like my boyfriend or job are more important than my health, but unfortunately, life doesn't stop even when you are going through something as difficult as an addiction, and I think that these things are valid concerns. Anyway, I am sorry if I did something wrong.

    Venus21

     
    Old 11-02-2004, 08:11 PM   #4
    Ellnyc
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Ellnyc's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Sep 2004
    Posts: 289
    Ellnyc HB User
    Re: need serious help explaining hydro addiction to boyfriend, and quitting pills

    Hello Venus,
    No, of course you did nothing wrong by expressing your feelings. My heart goes out to you and as I read the vivid details of your pill addiction, I recalled my own journey and pain with addiction to pain pills as well as other substances.
    First, let me say... I am much older than you, I have been clean and sober for 16 years. Though I had numerous attempts to quit ct, or by tapering myself, the only way I was able to stay clean was by getting as much support and professional help as is available for the treatment of addiction. For me that meant going to a treatment center where I was safely detoxed and supported 24/7 while going through it.Truly, it wasn't until I got 100% support that I was able to quit my hard-core 23 year pill addiction. I stayed for the full 33 days of rehab, because this addiction is way too strong and powerful for me/most of us to do on our own. And by that I mean staying quit! 16 years later, I continue to attend AA/NA, which is what I learned to do in rehab. My recovery program is a wonderful and important part of my life, without it, I feel it would be very easy to relapse, especially since I continue to have pain issues from time to time.
    Your boyfriend is not a professional and cannot be expected to watch you go through w/d or know what to do/say. You need professional help. This is not a baby disease ... and has very little to do with will power. I would really urge you to seek some professional help, attend some NA/AA meetings where you can reach out for help. If he truly cares about you and wants to learn about addiction there are Alanon/Naranon meetings he can attend, books to be read. You have enough on your plate, and quitting must be for you not for anyone else. It just never works unless you are willing to go through the pain and make this your priority.
    Viewing and seperating your addicition and relationship might be a good start. If it is meant to be a lasting relationship, he will still be there after you get clean and sober and become the person you both want you to be!
    I only responded to let you know that it is possible to get clean, that help is available. Most of us just cannot do this alone. I know I never could. I tried for years! Save yourself the extra years I wasted, untill I got the proper help that this poweful disease needs to combat it and live a serene and peaceful life.
    Goodluck sweetie! I'll keep you in my prayers.
    El

     
    Old 11-03-2004, 08:19 AM   #5
    windysan
    Inactive
    (male)
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Location: the South
    Posts: 645
    windysan HB User
    Re: need serious help explaining hydro addiction to boyfriend, and quitting pills

    Very well said. I don't write a lot and I like to get to the point. The boyfriend is not an addict and he'll never understand completely what we go through. Detox then a treatment center is what you need to do. Just NA meetings will be of little help until you get the body clean. Life does stop with addiction....addiction can kill you. Please get help from a detox/rehab.

     
    Old 11-03-2004, 10:08 AM   #6
    SAVEDBYSUBOXONE
    Junior Member
     
    SAVEDBYSUBOXONE's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2004
    Posts: 34
    SAVEDBYSUBOXONE HB User
    Re: need serious help explaining hydro addiction to boyfriend, and quitting pills

    Wind is right,

    At your age and from what I'm reading now is the best time for you to go through rehab and detox. If you were older and buried in a career job with kids ect. Then maybe a maintence program but NO! Get this done and out of your life.

    Tylenol will and can Kill you, I have read on this forum of a guy who was taking 30 plus Vicodins a day and died OD'd. I can't remember but there was a Autopsy posted about Organ Failure?? not sure, not trying to scare you either, you sound ready! you know what you have to do. Pick up the 500 pound phone and call your Insurance, your Doctor, the State for Aid, I'm not sure of your situation but help is available, good luck.

    Michael

     
    Old 11-03-2004, 10:14 AM   #7
    SAVEDBYSUBOXONE
    Junior Member
     
    SAVEDBYSUBOXONE's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2004
    Posts: 34
    SAVEDBYSUBOXONE HB User
    Re: need serious help explaining hydro addiction to boyfriend, and quitting pills

    Posted twice sorry!

    Last edited by SAVEDBYSUBOXONE; 11-03-2004 at 10:17 AM.

     
    Old 11-03-2004, 10:16 AM   #8
    SAVEDBYSUBOXONE
    Junior Member
     
    SAVEDBYSUBOXONE's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2004
    Posts: 34
    SAVEDBYSUBOXONE HB User
    Re: need serious help explaining hydro addiction to boyfriend, and quitting pills

    Venus,

    One more thing, you did nothing wrong in what you wrote! you are one of Millions addicted to pain pills. Just scroll through the pages and read story's and story's of Hydrocodone addiction. People praying, crying, losing family, friends, lovers, jobs, homes all over the Pill. I know where you are and have been there! lived by the CLOCK for years and years! spending almost every dime on a Pill, working Doctors, the Internet the Street! anything to avoid getting sick and going through withdrawls, are you at the point where Hydrocodone doesn't give you a buzz anymore?! thats the worst point! it has you controlled and tricked you. Evil little Pill........Let me know how your doing.

    With the Election going on I'm sure the boards are slower then normal.

    Michael

     
    Old 11-03-2004, 09:48 PM   #9
    venus21
    Newbie
     
    venus21's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2003
    Posts: 9
    venus21 HB User
    Re: need serious help explaining hydro addiction to boyfriend, and quitting pills

    Thank you very much for your replies. Honestly, at this point in time, I would almost welcome that chance to go to rehab. It is so hard to stop taking pills, and no one around me seems to understand that, probably because they are not addicted to pills, and really can't understand. Going to rehab would give me a real chance to stop, away from all the pressure of everyday life. Still, I honestly don't know how I would go, even if I wanted to. For one thing, I have no health insurance and no money. I have no idea how to get into a rehab without medical insurance. And for some reason, I feel like I am not For another thing, I can not go to my parents about this, not only would they not send me to rehab, but they would be absolutely furious with me. They have expressed thier belief to me on numerous occasions that "rehab is a joke, and people can stop taking drugs on thier own if they really want to". Plus, even though it may not sound like much, I am in the middle of my last year of college, and I don't know how I would go about missing a month of school. I just don't know what to do. I want to stop taking pills on my own, mainly because of my parents, but for other reasons, too. I basically live with my boyfriend, so he has no real choice but to be around me as I go through all of this, which is why it is important that I explain to him what to expect. Believe me, I wish I didn't have to include anyone in this, it is embarrasing and I don't like asking for help. But I am really all alone. I just don't know anymore. I know I will have no choice but to look into rehab soon, if I still can't not stop. But for right now, I am going to continue on with my plan of trying to stop on my own, in the next couple of days. Anyway, thanks again, it is so good to get responses.

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    Hydrocodone / Oxycodone / Alcohol... Time to stop!! Need support Proshot3 Addiction & Recovery 2 10-27-2008 03:03 PM
    Hydrocodone withdrawls & need advice acbidtech Addiction & Recovery 51 06-24-2006 12:43 PM
    help, i need stronger pain meds can i ask my doc jayboy557 Pain Management 4 02-03-2005 02:22 PM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is On
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:52 AM.





    © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!