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ElizabethLost 01-14-2005 01:52 AM

First time talking about this, would like to give and receive support.
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Hello everyone. I am a 25 year old female who has found herself under the opiate spell.

I have been suffering with depression and body dysmorphia for over 3 years now. I experience extreme sadness, rage and jealousy that affects my home life, work, and things I used to find pleasure in. I've been to several therapists and on countless amounds of different antidepresents. Nothing has worked, needless to say.

A few months ago, probably around July, I began experimenting with cocaine. Before this, I'd only drank and smoked the occasional joint. I wanted to try coke as a "diet aide" more than anything. As we all know, those anti-d's can sure pack on the pounds. I skyrocketed from 107 to 135 in a matter of months on those things. Not pleasant for someone so ashamed of how they look, they could rarely leave the house. So, I got some cocaine to help curb the eating and to also feel that euphoric feeling. I fell in love with it instantly and used for about two months straight. Needless to say, the pounds began to melt away and I felt better about myself. I used moderately everyday but if I didn't have any, I didn't feel hooked. I would crave it, but never really had any physical or mental withdrawals. The last batch I got was horrible though. It made me irritable, panicky, my heart raced, I cried many times. It was obviously cut with crappy stuff and my other dealer had stopped selling so I was in a rut. That is until I began experiencing excruciating pain in my mouth...

I went to the dentist, expecting a cavity but instead found out I had two very bad infections behind two of of my three wisdom teeth and was told to immediately go to an oral surgeon to have them removed. Until then, I was prescribed Vicodin 7.5/500 for the pain.

And that is when I fell in love with opiates. I took that first pill and was in the most euphoric heaven ever. I was warm, fuzzy, content and for the first time in years, my depression just seemed to fade away. Of course, the vics helped with the pain as well. Ibuprofren wasn't cutting it.

My appointment to get my teeth extracted wasn't until mid january and this was at the first of december. I took the vicodins everday, at work, at home, everywhere. That feeling was incredible. No longer did I worry about how ugly I was or how I didn't match up to today's standards. I didn't care about anything. I felt myself more kind and empathetic to people I normally couldn't stand to look at. My work was flourishing. On the Vics, I was so thourough and meticulous and for the first time, I was actually enjoying a job I had hated for 5 years.

Unfortunately, my 'script ran out and I found myself already desperate for more after just 2 weeks. I went back to my family dentist and asked for more. She told she would only give me some after tried to flush the bacteria from my tooth that was bothering. This meant going under nitrous, which I loved, and cutting open part of my gum. All this to get that 'script for only 8 more pills. By this time, my tolerance was up and those 8 pills sure didn't last me long. I found myself drinking codeine/phenegran cough syrup to try to get that fuzzy feeling back to no avail. I was a mess. My best friend was finally able to cop some oxycodone off the street for 10 bucks a pop. I ended up buying 20 and was again in sweet bliss for a good week and a 1/2. I felt happier and more alive than ever.

Unfortuantely, my family began to notice my behavior and questioned me about the pills. My sister is an RN and works with "junkies" on a daily basis. She'd noticed the cough syrup gone, and my mother had found an empty percocet bottle in my closet (another friend of mine lent me 3 of those from when she gave birth). I reassured them it was nothing and I'd quit the pain killers after I got my wisdom teeth removed. Of course, they didn't believe me.

Two weeks before my menstral cycle, I always get very depressed and have extreme PMS. I found myself drinking heavily and using coke here and there again b/c my pills had run out. I tried to taper slowly in order not to have withdrawals but it didn't work. I had no physical withdrawals but the mental stuff was unbearable. I was also still experiencing pain in my jaw, chin and ear from the infected wisdom tooth. I begged my oral surgeon to get me in for my consultation faster, he's an old family friend, so he did. Looking at the x-rays, he could see I had legitimate pain and prescribed more pills. This time, Norco, 10/325. I was heaven once again. I eased up on the drinking and coke and just wallowed in opiate bliss until I couldn't see straight. Heaven, pure heaven. I was enjoying life again. Working hard, going out socially, meeting new people all without the worries of what I looked like or how inferior I felt.

And of course, the day that script ran out came all to soon. I decided to bite the bullet and order a bottle of Norco online. I was still experiencing pain, even more so now, b/c of the wisdom tooth. I was getting migraines and developed a large lymphnode behind my ear due to the infection. I didn't feel like i was doing anything wrong. The doc approved my request and within a few days I had a bottle of 30 Norcos at my door. Again, so much love for these things. No worries. No pain. No nothing.

I finally made it to my surgery on Tuesday. I was out of the Norcos but the surgeon prescribed more. 15 to be exact and I'm already down to 8. I'm a nervous wreck b/c I know they will be gone in no time. My teeth are sore and I still have that swollen lymph so I don't feel so bad about requesting another 'script and re-filling my order online. Maybe I'm fooling myself, finding legitimate excuses to why I adore these pills so much but regardless, I'm hooked. Wow, first time I've admitted that. I am HOOKED.

I've had to hide a lot of my activity from my family as they are extremely worried. However, they have isolated me and use the "J" word quite often. Yeah, junky. I am ashamed when they jump my case instead of try to support my condition. I am also on Effexor and Xanax. The Effexor doesn't do crap for my depression. I've been on Xanax for 6 years now due to severe anxiety and I am finding myself abusing that as well.

I've been off work this week b/c of my surgery. Yesterday, I woke up to two Norcos, found myself in complete bliss and went about my daily routine in a content state. They wore off around 6 pm so I began to down the xanaxs. I ended up taking 5 mgs and felt a beautiful euphoria with these as well (I usually only take 1 mg per day). I was mellow, relaxed and felt great.

Anyways, I'm sorry for this long post. No one is fully aware of my "addiction" except for my best friend. He is the only one I can turn to. He doesn't bash me or call me names like junky or druggie. He is concerned but knows I have a hard head and if anything he tries to help me score b/c he's seen the suicide attempts, the cutting, the extreme depression.

So, that is my story. My 2.5 month love affair with opiates. I don't want to do rehab and I know I will have to eventually get off these things. My question is, will tapering work? I've had plenty of experience tapering off the numerous antidepressants so I'm wondering if this would work with a few months of 20-40 mgs of opiates? I do not want to go to rehab. I must keep my job. I want to do this on my own. I would like to hear your suggestions and input on how I can do this.

Ahhh, the tears are rolling. I'm so ashamed but can't wait to get up in the morning and dose up at the same time.

I would like some support and would be happy to support you all as well to the best of my ability. As much as I loathe myself, I do consider myself a good listener and caring individual. I'm just going through such a tough time now.....please, help.

With much love and respect,

clotblaster 01-14-2005 02:58 AM

Re: First time talking about this, would like to give and receive support.
I feel very sorry for you, but are you seeing a psychiatrist to whom you can talk about your drug addiction, or do you feel that you can't/don't want to talk to him about taking pain meds? Since you are taking xanax and an antidepressant, I assume a psyychiatrist in the picture. You seem to live in a world where access to high-strength pain meds and coke is easily available. YOu get oxy from a friend, percocet from a friend, norco over the net. Oxy and perco are not drugs to be taking--you want support, but the only thing I can see is for you to seriously consider rehab.; also, have you taken pain meds in the past?-you imply that this is your first experience with opiates, but I wonder....You have the right to say whatever you want on the web, but honesty is so important, if you are having problems where you take xanax for anxiety and then add in coke and painkillers--that's a bad scene. Your friend is a transparent, well-intentioned, codependent, if he really helps, or wants to help,you get drugs. I don't know why you are so afraid of being labelled a "junkie" or "druggie." The sooner you accept who and what you are--the sooner you will make some progress in dealing with your drug problems and life problems. I have had problems with vicodin and darvocet off and on for years. I am an alcoholic who takes antabuse to stay off booze. Mentally I'm bipolar II, narcissistic, prone to impulsive and agitated behavior etc. I take meds for the bipolar and also klonopin for anxiety and sleep. I don't advertise my condition to people, but when I see my psychiatrist I am honest, cuz what's the point, unless I never want to stabilize and get well. YOu went into a lot of detail about your dental problems as the cause of your taking pain meds and then a way to get them. Your scenario and profile is not unique, and the detailed accounting of the dental problems is a problem because it seems like your not just justifying your problem, but your at least partially glorying in it. (Sorry, don't mean to hurt your feelings.) I sincerely hope that you seek real, possibly "tough" help soon. God bless.

valleygurl 01-14-2005 05:38 AM

Re: First time talking about this, would like to give and receive support.
Elizabeth, I wanted to tell you that you are not alone. So many of us here are or were in the same place that you are right now. I too am struggling with the vicodin addiction right now. I want to get off of them and be clean, but i have severe pain issues that i am dealing with right now so it just really isnt possible for me. First let me touch on your depression, meds and weight gain. Well, your story is my story. I have been dealing with depression and was put on the anti-depressants as well. I too have always been a small person and the meds caused me to gain weight as well. I also have a major complex how i look so having already been depressed and then the weight gain really has thrown me for a loop. Not to mention the meds werent working anyways! So about a month and a half ago i went and talked to my Dr. about it and he put me on a brand new med that has only been out about 7 or 8 months now called Cymbalta. The depression has greatly improved not to mention i have been able to drop about 20 pounds too!!!!!
I can understand also how bad it makes you feel to not have support or to be labeled a "Junkie". I, like you, didnt just go out looking for these pills because one day we decided we wanted to try them and become addicted. When i first started taking them i was severely depressed and had very low energy, then on top of that i herniated a disc in my neck and the pain was so intense. I had never taken a pain pill before that. I went to the Dr. and was prescribed the vicodin, i started taking them and they helped the pain. I think i really noticed the euphoric feeling once i had the pain fairly under control. Once i noticed how they made everything " all good in the world" and i wasnt tired, had lots of energy, thats when i was hooked! See, basically the same as you!!!!
So you see, your story is alot of our stories, you are not alone. Your addiction does not make you a bad person. You simply have made a mistake that is going to take alot of will power and strength to over come it.
I too can understand that rehab just isnt feasible, i too have many obligations that just make it purely impossible to go. The best advice i can give you is to tell someone who will support you and help you to stop, that is if you are truely ready. You wont be able to kick this nasty habit unless you are truely ready. We are all here for you, we understand and will give you as much support as we can. Good luck and keep us posted, ValleyGurl

goddessgrl65 01-14-2005 06:08 AM

Re: First time talking about this, would like to give and receive support.
I could relate to your story-in a sense you are still in the "glory days' of your addiction-since its only been a short time since you started.I can't fault you for that or anything you said-because i remember i felt the same way when i first disccovered the joys of opiates.
And for those of us w/ serious depression issues-its like the magic cure-mood is lifted/all is right w/ the world.
My advice to you-is to stop before you really get in deep.Of course- i was told the same thing-but i continued on-and ended up becoming an IV heroin addict-that couldn't leave the house-nevermind get out of bed-w/o a shot of dope.
Ive suffered w/ depression/PTSD/agoraphobia/basically since my teen years-i firmly believe most addicts suffer from depression-and are self-medicating.
So-if you are in therapy..i would really try to get honest w/ your dr. or look into drug counceling and nip this one-NOW!!
Read these boards-know this is not the way to go-honestly-if i could change anything-it would be when i realised i was addicted-why did i keep going?
8 yrs later-im just coming out of the haze-and im on meds to help-suboxone-an opiate replacement-
I hope you can get the help you need-now..and not play it out for the next 5-10 years..cos the longer you go the worse it becomes..
Goddess bless-
ggrl :angel:

windysan 01-14-2005 06:52 AM

Re: First time talking about this, would like to give and receive support.

It doesn't sound like you've been using too long. You are smart enough to come here to ask for help. I can tell you this.....forget work, forget everything else, check into a medical detox and then do at least 28 days of rehab. If you do this now you can get your life back. If you continue using it will be more difficult to stop. If you are ordering online and if you truly love the dope then it will be tough to stop on your own. Ask your sis, the RN, to help you find a detox/rehab. Do this today. By the way, what is that body morphing thing you are talking about?

Do it today

Best Friend 01-14-2005 08:07 AM

Re: First time talking about this, would like to give and receive support.
Elizabeth, welcome to a great group of people. We all share your story...that initial love of opiates...the sense of incredible well-being...the "answer" to depression... But like GoddessGirl said, that is the "initial stage." I started with Vicodins and Oxys to feel "good" and, within months, I needed them to feel merely NORMAL. My body had built up a tolerance and I was SICK without them. THAT was scary and my wake-up call.

You may wish to go back and look at the incredible posts in our archives. Look for the people who sound like they've shared your story, and follow their progress. I had to go on the drug Subutex to help me go off opiates. Sub allows you to withdraw without the physical symptoms and cravings. I just started Sub, but have high hopes (pardon the pun!) of being drug-free in 2005.

You sound like such a bright, articulate, kind young woman. Stick around here and let's see if some of us can help you. Pick and chose what works for YOU...but get started soonest. Good luck to you.
TwinAlice (I have a twin, Lynn, who has the identical story to mine! She's on the Boards here, too!)

ElizabethLost 01-15-2005 04:02 AM

Re: First time talking about this, would like to give and receive support.

Thanks for the reply. I used to see a therapist a few years ago due to depression and body dysmorphia. I would like to go back but I'm ashamed, plus, I am afraid to divulge my addiction to drugs to her. Would they take me to jail? Would they send me to the mental ward? I've already been on the the fourth floor once, 6 years ago and it was a a nightmare but I won't go into that.

Also, you mentioned it seemed easy for me to get drugs. It's not. It's so very, very not in the region I live in. We just happened to have a few good scores.

I bit the bullet and placed another order for more norco online tonight. I realized I only had 5 hydros left from my tuesday dentist appt. I freaked and couldn't imagine going to work and facing everyday life without that soothing feeling.

I had to run errands today and took two pills and within minutes, I was soaring. I did my errands and loved every minute of it. No panic, no aggitation, no nothing. I also had to meet my family for dinner later, whichi is usually a nightmare in itself, but it was quite pleasant. Thanks to those damn pills....

Oh and yes, I'm being completely honest. I have never had pain pills before I had the pain in my wisdom teeth. I had never even had the desire to take them. I was prescribed Xanax, geez, probably 6 years ago or more for a panic disorder. I was supposed to take them only when a panic attack was coming on and did so up until now. I ate probably 5 last night b/c I didn't want to dip into the hydros.

Ahh, I'm so f#c<ed..........

ElizabethLost 01-16-2005 03:54 PM

Re: First time talking about this, would like to give and receive support.
Hello everyone and thanks again for the kind, sincere replies. I can not respond to all at the moment b/c the fact is, I attempted suicide this morning. I'm prescribed xanaxs for panic attacks and the doc gives me 60 per month. I took a handful and was ready to go. I got scared. The right side of my head became freezing and numb and I felt myself slipping away. I willed myself out of bed, made myself throw up and called my best friend.

The thing is, my family is very non supportive. They haven't spoken to me in three days. We all live together. My sister, the RN, actually said she felt like she had to love me just b/c she was my sister. So, I can not turn to them. I am a burden to them. Bottom line.

My best friend wants to get me out of this hostile environment immediately as I am at my worst here (crying already). He is going to ask his mother if I can stay with her as she is also an RN at a state hospital and has dealt with my kind of case for many, many years. I will miss my precious dogs but that's it.

I am off to bed now to rest. I'm dreading work tomorrow and only have .5 vicodin to get me through the hell I have to go through (I hate my job with a passion....horrible boss, ex boyfriend that practically ruined my life works there as well, and two used to be friends that find me 'difficult to be around' anymore). Luckily, I have 15 oxys coming at 5 pm tomorrow. I know that is sad but I must have them considering what I've been through. I can't deal w/ withdrawals on top of everything else, I just can't...

I will type more later. For now, I'm going to rest......

Best Friend 01-16-2005 05:09 PM

Re: First time talking about this, would like to give and receive support.
Elizabeth....this is so ironic. I was just going thru the archives and came across the first post of one of my favorite members here, Dallas Alice. When she first posted here, she was considering suicide. The posts she received not only changed her mind, but got her started on treatment. She's now doing so well and is so beloved by her friends, here. I think it may help you to read her first Thread. Go to one of Dallas Alice's posts (she's posted a lot this weekend so it'll be easy to find her name). Click her name and you'll see "View all posts by this member.' Go to the very FIRST post she wrote -- which will be on the LAST page of the thread. I just want you to see how making the right decisions can change your life. She was in such incredible pain and, now, her life is turning around. She's funny and compassionate and smart....just like you.

If your family is not supportive, then don't deal with them now. Stay with friends who love you. I know what you mean about missing your dogs. I'm such a dog person. But your dogs will be there for you when you feel stronger.

Take care of yourself...we all care about you and we want to hear from you ASAP!!! Lots of love,

Mike_NY 01-16-2005 07:59 PM

Re: First time talking about this, would like to give and receive support.
Elizabeth, first I want to say how proud iI am of you for posting on this message board.

I'm more concerned with your xanax habit than the opiates. This can be dangerous to stop suddenly. It has to be tapered slowly over time or you can have life threatening symptoms. I strongly recommend you reading the Ashton manual on benzodiazepines. Just do a google for Ashton Manual+benzo.

Ok so you have more pills coming. Don't beat yourself up. Take what you need to maintain yourself for now. Then when you feel that some of the chaos that is going on around you is settled then you can deal with the opiates.Withdrawal from opiates is uncomfortable but not life threatening and there are things you can do to ease the symptoms. You haven't been using them too long so you'd probably feel a few days of crampy legs, and maybe diarreah. You'll feel like you have the flu.

You mentioned that you "bit the bullet" and oedered more norcos. Biting the bullet would be to stop taking them CT and dealing with the effects. Giving in to the urge is what you did. I'mnot trying to sound cruel but it's true. I've done it many times over the past year ordering refills. Today I BIT THE BULLET and decided that I am not going to take any more norcos. See the difference?

Also another thought i had today was that "man if i just had a pill i wouldn't be sick anymore". then i thought that taking the pill is actually making me sick and this feeling of withdrawal is healthy.

Also look for an NA meeting in your area. If you need help finding one I can do that for you. I went to my very first meeting today and it was amazing being greeted with open arms and applause when I introduced myself by saying, "my name is mike and this is my first day clean."

My thoughts go out to you and remember that we're all equal here. We're all battling the same problems. It doesn't matter what drug you are using, or how much. We're all on the road to living a clean and happy life.


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