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    Old 01-26-2005, 12:11 PM   #1
    HydroQueen
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    Lisa, Michie, The Twins, C-Mom, Dallas.....everyone-

    Time to check in on all my siblings:

    Lisa - how's it going with hubby and sobriety?

    Michie - I miss you, girl. What's new? I can't Scarlet O'hara it over here by myself forever. I need some backup. Please let me know how you are!

    C-Mom and The Twins - How's it going on the sub? How are the dogs and kids. I mean how are the kids and kids? (A little dog lovers humor)

    Dallas - Say something, anything, you always lift me up!

    Everyone else - Please fill me in on your lives/recovery/relapse/whatever.
    I truely care about each and everyone of you - veteran, newbie, or lurker!

    As for me: Hanging in after finding the 3 10's that I confessed to on the board. Is it still a struggle? YES. Do I doubt I can do it? YES. When it
    gets this way I do this - reach out to all of you - and guess what happens?
    Someone ALWAYS posts just what I need to hear and gets me over the hump.
    I hope I can one day do that for some of you. My "veteran" friends have been my lifeline. My "newbie" friends reinforce that lifeline. I want to try
    and be part of a lifeline for all you lurkers. Instead of cheers I'll say::LET'S POST!!!

     
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    Old 01-27-2005, 04:44 AM   #2
    lisaaahubb
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    Re: Lisa, Michie, The Twins, C-Mom, Dallas.....everyone-

    Hey HQ what is up>???? I am hanging in there. Still sober and still arguing with hubby from time to time. I have just learned that he is the way he is, he has no recovery program and is a dry drunk. I, on the other hand, have a program and have been enjoying the kids and helping a few new-comers in NA. I just have to learn to ignore his crap when he starts up, which is just about every day. I have never seen anyone in my life, have a bad day EVERYDAY!!!!! What is up with that??? Some times it makes me wonder if he does use something or another behind my back. He drinks mountain dew and red bull like it is water....i am not kidding at least a 12 pack a day, i would be so revved up, i would puke!!! Whatever, i am worrying about me for a change, my days of worrying about him and his "bad days" are long gone. He hasn't changed, just took the drinking and drugs away but the behavior is still the same. I am not sure what is going to happen to "us" but one thing i know for sure, i am feeling good, and thinking rationally these days. I just don't let him get to me anymore, he's not worth it.
    What is up with you>???? I haven't heard from Michelle or CM in awhile, and i think the Lynn is having problems with her computer????
    I have been hanging out with some friends lately that are really positive people, that helps me to be around people that aren't so negative. My sister and I have been spending a lot of time together too. It is so good to have her back in my life. She is 4 months pregnant and stays at home too, so we do crafts or go shopping. She is my best friend and i am so thankful she has forgiven me for blowing her off for so long due to my drug addiction. Well update me on your life.....
    Happy Thursday!!!!!
    love,
    LISA

     
    Old 01-27-2005, 06:54 AM   #3
    Twinlynn
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    Re: Lisa, Michie, The Twins, C-Mom, Dallas.....everyone-

    Hydroqueen! Hello, hello, hello!!! So good to hear from you. I'm finally back at work again, so no more "musing" over the 'puter, with nothing on my hands, but time! LOL!! Since I don't have as much time to write here, the best way for you to catch up on my "specifics" is by calling up my past posts. "Scintillating"-- they're NOT! Ho ho! But they'll give you more details. :-)

    I LOVE the Subutex in that it allows me to feel--and differentiate-- the normal ups and downs of life. None of those artificial "good" times followed by those deep dives down. I do have to deal with depression, tho...my lifelong "companion." But at least I now feel as if my brain is clear enough to figure out what is REAL depression and what is "I miss my oxys" depression! :-) I'm just letting my normal feelings come thru and telling myself that in time, the colors will start to shine a little brighter! In the meantime, I feel that I'm doing sooooo much better than I was on those ugly drugs!!! (Not that I don't miss the 'lil darlings now and then! LOLOL!)

    I know how tough your own struggle is. It's like being on an emotional seesaw, fighting this battle. So, please "hang out" with us all, so we can help you find that balance! We're all on that same seesaw WITH you!!! :-)

    love ya, Lynn xxxx (PS Alice's computer is awaiting repairs...but she sends you her love, too!!) :-)

     
    Old 01-27-2005, 12:49 PM   #4
    DallasAli
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    Re: Lisa, Michie, The Twins, C-Mom, Dallas.....everyone-

    Hi HQ!

    You were reading my cyber mind! I just posted to Lynn yesterday that I was going to start a new thread with a similar title as yours & try to round up the "old gang." I've been in a New York state of mind as far as those Twins and Ellnyc, and then throw the southerners in there , & all the rest from places unknown, well, I just miss everyone! I see some posts from each person scattered around, but it's always so nice to have a thread going where we can find those we tend to seek out the most.

    You sound really good...you confessed to three, & that's hard to do, but it's great to be able to do it. It's certainly not something I would be putting my "hair jacket" on over, & the self-flogging can wait, too. We are so very, very hard on ourselves & I think we tend to overlook how very far we've come--still seeing the negatives before the positives. We have surely trained ourselves to see our lives & the way we lived it as "bad." Breaking that thought pattern is so difficult, but so necessary.

    We are our own worst critics & censors, yet we can easily see success in others & articulate it to those here who need an objective eye to listen to them, a shoulder (unfortunately in the shape of a monitor) to lean on, & a therapeutic push in the form of a keyboard stroke to help others. It can be made simpler if we just stop & remind ourselves that sometimes, to truly understand what is happening in our hearts & minds to not look back at what has been achieved (although we need to remember the very good things we have done), but to not see that as all, you know? We need to look more at what we aspire to do, we are working on our addiction, & our efforts are paying off. Each person here, by virtue of each post they write, is still aspiring to do more, to do better. That is good enough.

    This leads me to our Lisa! How good it is to read you working your way out of that codependent way of thinking that your husband almost had you believing! You're too smart for that, Lisa. It's easy to remember the things we know, like rationally you know you are not responsible for his happiness, only for yours, & I truly understand the desire to just say "fine, for the sake of peace, I'll go along with [whatever]" & that's why I admit now to being a bit worried back when you were reeling from his verbal assault of "it's over..." To read you saying "if it's nice he wants, it's nice he'll get," surprised me. To put a 'first step' spin on it, you could say you are powerless over others & the way they act, but you can remove yourself as his victim. Besides, there are easier ways to do him in than to smother him with kindness, lol He has so much, yet he seems so blind to it, while you on the other hand, really seem to work on appreciating your good moments & up times. You realistically accept that bad "stuff" is just a part of life sometimes, but it doesn't have to BE OUR LIVES, & it's too bad he doesn't know that yet. Go with the thoughts you expressed in your post & don't allow his outlook on life to carry over into yours. You are two separate people & who knows what your future will be? But for now, it is good to read of you living in your moment, in your now... A couple of great quotes from the book "The Language of Letting Go" come to mind when I think of you two..."I spent a year trying to prove to my husband how much his [drinking, drugs, negativity, verbal abuse, whatever is specific to your relationship] was hurting me. When I began to recover, I realized I was the one who needed to realize how much his [again, whatever it is] was hurting me." The other one is like "I spent forever trying to prove to my husband how healthy & responsible I was. Then I realized what I was doing, he didn't need to realize how responsible & healthy I was, I did." Once we make those points with ourselves, once we understand a situation, we will know what to do. You've certainly shown yourself that you know what is best for you & what you need to do in order to stay clean, Lisa, & that is good enough...you might have to just say to yourself that it isn't up to you to show it to him, & by the sound of your post...you are doing that, & I hope that makes you feel "lighter." You're not carrying his weight of negatives around with you anymore, you have given them back to their rightful owner.

    Well, Lynn...I should have known you would have modeling clay! Isn't that so weird?! What a coincidence...I hadn't thought of play-doh in forever, & then I learn Alice just gave you some! So very much in common...I'd love to be able to model animals and things together ! And when I read that you take your ski collection of things down to look at them a bit closer, oh, I do the very same thing with my glassware & miniature animals! Toys, they do add a new dimension to this recovering of my lost artist. Kaleidoscopes, play doh, jacks (my fingers are not nearly as nimble as they used to be...can't get past "threesies!"), prisms, etch-a-sketches, all of those old-but-now-new-again things that we all probably had in our rooms as kids. I'd love to hear from the rest what their favorite toys were?! One thing I loved was my friend's spirograph. We'd spend hours on that thing. I hope this exercise I'm doing is not really me just regressing. You'll find me going through primal scream therapy next! BTW, like you, I love lists, too, my lists have sub-lists!!

    I'm sorry to hear you've been down, & I'm anxious to know what your dr. thinks, do you think the taper is too much too soon? It seems so fast! I feel like I'm left in the dust with all of you either nearing or having already crossed the finish line. I know I can't let impatience get me, but.. I am glad there are different options for all the different types that get involved in addiction. We couldn't do it if it weren't for choices. My clinic is just getting more into the Sub, & I wonder how much of it being so new to them was why they didn't really discuss Sub w/me, it was right to the methadone. Please let us know. I've read your posts when you're down, if you are able to post, & clinical depression such as yours is like a double whammy you were dealt. Then having had the hiatus w/your foot, I'd be so anxious to get back to the "nest," as well. You are so strong & caring, so sensible about your approach to getting off the pills. Give yourself time, you know yourself the best.

    I am doing so much better on my methadone since they tweaked my doseage up & it's given me the chance to keep moving forward with recovering that lost artist, that lost child, & identify the blocks that got in my way. I am balancing my need to be alone, my "nesting," as Lynn so perfectly describes it, with my rediscovered desire to get out of the house & do totally new & different things. The challenge is finding inexpensive ways of doing that. Sure I'd love to go to my local Philharmonic, but settled for a free violin quartet concert at the liberal arts college a few miles from me. Playing local tourist is giving me the chance to be alone yet out there again & I so need to get out there. When I think back on the pill-induced isolation, I see that as a dangerous solitude & different from the alone-time we all need to some degree. Time to pamper ourselves. I can't afford a hot stone massage, but I've settled for an hour alone to give myself a facial & pluck my eyebrows, LOL! When kids & spouses are in the picture, it is so easy to put others' needs always ahead of ours. In this book I'm reading about recovery, she asks you to go look in your sock drawer & see if you have good, warm, matching socks. I did, & I don't ! They're all threadbare & too small, & I wear my kids' socks! How silly is that?! Why do we do that?! Am I the only one here who would fail the "sock test?"

    Overall, I am feeling good physically...the meth makes me tired sometimes, especially if I don't get good sleep the night before, I drag myself around all day. But the mental cravings are almost gone. I seldom, if ever, dream about pills like I did in the beginning. Now I wake up with night sweats & realize it's not about withdrawals, it's about menopause! Something new to discuss with my doctor when I'm ready. For now, I'm living by the theory of "but what did the pioneer women do?" Speaking of that, I have to tell you something funny before I sign off. When I went to the local City's history museum & there was a whole level of the medical, dental & pharmaceutical procedures & treating what ailed you in the late 1800s & early 1900s. These people were flying! Nine out of ten of the old medicine bottles had over 25% alcohol in them, along with cocaine and/or morphine! It was bottled & sold to treat everything from digestive disorders to headaches to colds & flus to warts! It truly made me laugh out loud. The alcohol content alone was in the 20-40 percent range! I wonder if that contributed to their rather short life span?

    Well now, if we could call out GoddessGirl, Sara, CMom, Ellnyc, Marich, Michelle (I so miss Banker & BCBurnaby!?) Lisa, I noticed your MIA post to Willow, Deerme & Michelle also. When I was a lurker a loooong time ago, I was enthralled by your conversations with Willow. You two were so close, I hope she resurfaces.

    I have more, yes MORE, to write you all about, but have to see if I can get some feeling back into my fingers 1st. It's so good to talk to you all again, thank you HQ for posting out to everyone, & to any new folk reading this, please chime in. It's great to see all the new names & threads on the boards. As HQ said, LET'S POST!

    Love you all,
    Dallas Alice

    Last edited by DallasAli; 01-27-2005 at 01:15 PM.

     
    Old 01-27-2005, 02:17 PM   #5
    HydroQueen
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    Re: Lisa, Michie, The Twins, C-Mom, Dallas.....everyone-

    Onesies, twosies, threesies, foursies, fivesies, sixies, sevensies, eightsies, ninesies, tensies----------all with a pink glitter filled ball. I was the "queen" of jacks back then. I'd love to abdicate my current "queen" title and go back to that simple, pure,
    innocent time. I knew you'd say something to lift me right up. Jacks are one of my favorite memories from girlhood and you know what I am going to do on my way home from work??? I'm going to Wally-World and get me a set of jacks!!! I'll update everyone tomorrow on how well I do after 30 years away............I probably won't be able to even sit indian style on the floor.......HAHAHA. HUGS!!

     
    Old 01-27-2005, 03:56 PM   #6
    Sarandipity
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    Re: Lisa, Michie, The Twins, C-Mom, Dallas.....everyone-

    Christina and all!

    A big hello from Texas! Funny you brought up onesies...etc. My daughter just got some from a goody bag at a birthday party. Guess who plays with em and would gladly sit indian style with all yall and play jacks! Ok, we can sit in chairs and play on a very low table! My back is still not better. Ouch!
    I received some ANTS today in the mail to go in the Ant Farm my oldest daughter got from Santa! When I poured em in a hole about a half an inch wide, three got out and fell on the floor, these are not small ants- these are the big worker ants you dont stick around and look at! I grabbed a peice of tape and stuck em on the tape one at a time, then shook them in the hole! I hope I did not hurt em - they only sent 15, and some are not moving.

    Ohhhhhhhhhhhh I went to see an addiction physc. today! Yes, a addiction head doctor. After the hour was over... I learned soooooo much. They have a couples meeting once a week for addicts- she said they are couples with as much as 30 years sobriety, and as little as a few weeks. They work the steps, talk about co dependency, share what its like to live with an addict. She wants me in more woman groups, and my "assignment" is to branch out and not go to the same meetings all the time.
    Ive been falling into my old habits! I stopped praying and meditating in the am when I wake up. I stopped eatting as much as I used to, (really bad for me because I have low blood sugar) Ive been told that when I get loney, I stop eatting which is a form of bulimia- when me and my boyfriend get in a tiff and we dont talk for a day I get lonely and stop eatting- its like Im hurting myself on purpose because I feel like I deserve it.
    So Ive been doing that lately. So she said I will get connected to God or my HP again if I take care of my body-I remember when I was in rehab and it took weeks of being completely off of everything and eatting right and excercising before I had a spiritual experience. Being hungry just blocks God right out of my life. It's a trigger for me. She also mensioned my children are probably watching what I do. I cook for them, and then they eat dinner but I dont eat and she said when they grow up they will either carry with them healthy eatting habits or bad eatting habits.
    I can tell right now Im just going to meetings, but Im just a bad mistake away from relapse if I don't do what Im sopossed to do. Taking "just one" for my back pain just seems like nothing to somone who is not an addict, but just one is too many, and a thousand is not enough!! Sorry to quote but it fits me right now.
    Im glad everyone else is doing well!!! I love reading your posts and it WOWs me to see people get clean and there are alot more people who have been looking for help. Have yall noticed that??????

    Going to cook dinner and sit down to eat with my girls!

    Love All Yall!

    Sara
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    "I believe that friends lift us up when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
    -Sara

     
    Old 01-27-2005, 09:48 PM   #7
    Ellnyc
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    Re: Lisa, Michie, The Twins, C-Mom, Dallas.....everyone-

    Hi everyone!
    Looks like I'm one of the "night owls" around here though I do like to check in on you guys periodically throughout the day when I can. Most days (well, usually 3x a week lately) I attend a noontime meeting a few blocks from my house. Today, I joined 2 new women and a guy for a little bite afterwards then made it home in this FREEZING weather here in NYC. I was proud of myself because like so many of you I am a Queen-Nester <-(Ewe! I like that as a possible "user name" sometime!) and isolator at heart. Hubby and I moved a couple of years ago (only 13 blocks south!) but it's a slightly different neighborhood, with different meetings at my doorstep. (That's how the city can be, neighborhoods, changing every 10-15 blocks!) Though, I still travel the few blocks up-town to my former "AA home group" - homegroup being a meeting you attend regularly and frequently and where as the theme song in Cheers says: "Everyone knows your name". Anyway, I think I have finally broken the ice at my new home group - attending regularly, allowing people to get to know me (a toughie for me!) going for coffee afterward and now, I am even chairing a meeting there every other week, (doing service). (Come on over Twins, if you ever want to check out a meeting, that would be so awesome!!!) You will understand the joke when I say, I feel like I need my passport when I go to the westside sometimes! Do you feel the same about coming over to the East Side? Anyway, it took a while, but I finally feel at home here too. It was a hard move for me at the time, leaving our home (apt.) of 22 years to downsize and all.

    Dallas~ Hi right back to you sweetie! Got my Sweet baby James album on right now! Oh I still love JT! That and Tapestry, Cat Stevens, Bonnie Raitt...backround music actually during some of my meth years, some of my insanity years too! Also wanted to get back to you regarding the Brain Drain excersises - Unfortunately I'm not really being consistent with my morning pages, but have found that writings like that - very first thing in the morning to be quite theraputic, and an "emptying" of sorts ... dumping even ... sometimes allowing me to eventually focus on what might REALLY be important to think about for that day. Sort of like an editing process for me. Getting out some of that garbage first. Brain Drain really is a good name for it!

    For those who don't know my story~I have been in recovery (AA/NA) for 16+ years. Opiates being my doc, but always enjoying a little of this and a lot of that! What first brought me to this board, was to find out more about a medication given to me for what is turning out to be chronic pain. And how that would fit into my life in recovery. I have been fortunate to have survived multi-surgeries and cancer last year. I remain on quite a low dose of tramadol and it is here that I feel the most comfortable talking and sharing about it. It is also here where I found a wonderful, warm and caring network of people who are struggling like myself, and all with the same longing to find a life without the shakels of addiction which rob us of any peace of mind. Perhaps we're at different stages, with different concerns at times but I also feel it is a place where perhaps I can offer hope that a life can be lived without drugs and alcohol. One of the things we learn in recovery is what a gift it is to be able to offer light when there is darkness. Like many of you, I also struggle with clinical depression, and have come to know that I have two seperate diseases to contend with. Both pills and alcohol are depressants and until they are significantly out of our lives and bodies~it can all seem like it is one big blur. But sometimes, when the fog clears, the depression for some of us can remain. I had my first suicide attempt when I was 15~ way before I began using pills (@17) and my family is riddled with depression, alcoholism and drug addiction as well. So, I am my own miracle...Clean and sober and never giving up on my search for peace.
    So, so ... much more, little by little ...more will be revealed. From us all!
    Thanks for being here you guys and taking me in when I needed a friend.
    Love,
    El

    Last edited by Ellnyc; 01-28-2005 at 09:07 AM. Reason: spelling ...

     
    Old 01-28-2005, 04:07 AM   #8
    lisaaahubb
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    Re: Lisa, Michie, The Twins, C-Mom, Dallas.....everyone-

    Dallas, you are right, i feel so much lighter now, not carrying around all of HIS negativity. It is almost to the point that i just don't care anymore. I know this sounds mean, but i guess he has it coming. I am not usually one to take anyone's *****, and with him, i have given and changed and given and changed and it just still isn't dam good enough. Well the changes i have made in my life were all for me, and you know what....i am finally starting to look in the mirror and LOVE MYSELF. I am starting to realize that this relationship is toxic and he, himself is a very toxic person. I am in a bunch of therapy now and it has helped me so, so much. I've got to get to the root of the problem on why it was that i wanted to be numb....and i now know the answer.
    I, too, am having problems with pushing myself to get back out there and do things. It is like panic sets in as soon as my daughter mentions that she has a "home" game and would like me to go. I have to talk myself into it...it is weird, but once i am there i am fine, i guess its just getting me outta the dam house, other than therapy or meetings. I have become an isolater, someone I thought i would NEVER be...i used to be miss social butterfly. That was then, this is now.....
    Well thank you once again for the post to me....you are an awesome lady, Dallas. I can't believe you lurked when Willow and I were chatting all of the time. That lady, helped me thru some pretty rough times, i just wish i could still talk to her now and then. The sad part of it was, she was going thru rough times too. I love that gal!!!!
    Yes it is time to call out all of the veterans.....they need to update us, good or bad. We are addicts nothing surprises us, they should know that!!
    You sound like the meth if fitting you well. I am so happy for you. Don't be pressured because everyone else is tapering or getting off....you just started....go at your own pace. Don't want to rush things. What are your plans for the weekend???? I think i am going to go catch a movie for a change. I asked hubby last night and he just looked at me like i was speaking another language. so i guess i will be going alone, but then again, i am always alone. It almost reminds me of some type of fairy tale, he has this beautiful princess, but just keeps her locked up in a castle....you would think he would be proud to walk around with me, but he is just too BUSY with work, and God knows what else. I am nothing to him and the hurt is finally starting to subside, and i will heal and eventually move on. These group therapy sessions are helping me see the light. A few of the women and I have even started to develop a relationship outside of therapy...i will maybe ask one of them to join me at the movies this weekend.
    O.k......enough outta me today. I am whipped i worked my butt off around this house alllllllllllllllll week and it looks the same as it did on Monday morning when i woke up....a MESS!!! No one in the family of mine as adjusted to the fact that i AM NOT SUPERWOMAN anymore. They just won't face the fact that....yes, Lisa is a human and requires food and sleep....LOL LOL LOL
    Oh well, i love you Dallas, thanks for the post, you are a great friend,
    love you tons,
    LISA

     
    Old 01-28-2005, 04:14 AM   #9
    lisaaahubb
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    Re: Lisa, Michie, The Twins, C-Mom, Dallas.....everyone-

    HydroQueen....keep fighting that fight. Taking those 3 probably awoke the addiction monster, be he can easily be tamed back down. Just take it one day at a time, one minute at a time if you have to. You are alot like me, you keep trying that is what makes us so unique. I have faith that you are getting stronger, you just don't know it yet.
    So TGIF!!!!! Have a good weekend, i will try to get on, but the kids will be fighting me for computer time!!! LOL
    O.K. girl, love ya and keep putting up that fight....
    luv,
    LISA

     
    Old 01-28-2005, 04:22 AM   #10
    lisaaahubb
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    Re: Lisa, Michie, The Twins, C-Mom, Dallas.....everyone-

    Hi Sara....you really got my attention about not eating while upset. That is me. My sister always freaks out on me saying ....women EAT when they are upset Lisa, what are you doing???? I could go days sometimes on crackers and water, especially if i am arguing with hubby. It is very unhealthy, and i have learned to force myself to eat. I am very tiny and thin, and have a very high metabolism, so i could eat and eat and never gain a pound, i know this sounds like a God-send, but ever try to find a 0 size jean???? it is virtually impossible. I am one that is TRYING TO GAIN weight at this time. I wonder if i do have some sort of eating disorder, but i am a mess in general, so i figured it was just me. I just joined a women's therapy group. I love it. I am starting to really connect with a few of the woman, and that is what i need right now.....friendship.
    Well i just wanted to say "HI" and have a great weekend!!!
    luv,
    LISA

     
    Old 01-28-2005, 04:27 AM   #11
    lisaaahubb
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    Re: Lisa, Michie, The Twins, C-Mom, Dallas.....everyone-

    ellnyc.....what is up??? Sounds like you are trying to get out more too. I used to make fun of this friend that i have, that would NEVER leave his house, we used to call him a hermit....well guess what i have become....
    I am also trying to do things that i am uncomfortable with, volunteering to make coffee for the month for my home meeting....reaching out to others, just trying to get comfortable enough with myself, that i am able to start getting out there and making some friends. I have isolated myself from my sister, who is back in my life...THANK GOD!!!!, most of my friends use some type of drug or another. It is usually just me and the kids. Oh well, i am working on it. I just wanted to say HI and have a great weekend!!!
    luv ya,
    LISA

     
    Old 01-28-2005, 07:53 AM   #12
    Twinlynn
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    Smile Re: Lisa, Michie, The Twins, C-Mom, Dallas.....everyone-

    "Calling all Nesters"!!! LOL! (Where's the little curled-up icon with the "zzzzz's" over its head???)

    How fascinating to learn that there are "nests" of us out there--small "covens"--all trying desperately to detach themselves from those annoying people, who insist that "You can't just stay at home like this!!" Well, I say...."Don't be silly--of COURSE, you can!!!" LOLOL!!!

    Seriously, though, I was a real participant in everything when I was younger--from taking courses, to art classes, to attending theater, ballet, etc, to racing around and getting together with different friends almost every night of the week. This is NOT a person I would recognize anymore!

    But--I do not attribute it all to drugs. I think that a whole conglomeration of genetics, life-events, drugs (of course)...and just plain old "maturing"... and a desire to listen to my "inner screams", have all been major contributors to my emerging into a somewhat different person. I am still "me" inside--but my needs are so changed...and so many of the subtler aspects of life--which I had no time for when I was so wound up and running--have become such a source of pleasure now! Say, just to sit and go thru specialist book catalogs and see which books I'm still missing from a collection I'm trying to gather. Or...are you ready for this? I bought this European "World Cup Ski Races" kit--complete with small racing figures, a ski course with flags, billboards, etc, a "finish" line...and little "TV announcers with tiny microphones" to stand at that finish line and "interview" the skiers. Well!! I had such a wonderful regression to childhood, setting up all those little figures to JUST the scenario I wanted!! What a laugh!!! I was in kiddy heaven, "messing about" with my little action toys!

    So...to me..."nesting" is all about giving yourself the chance to go back and revive that sense of fun and imagination..to feel "cozy" again with all the happy, easy pleasures that got left behind so many years ago. (And, it's a far cry from the sort of "evil" nesting we did with the drugs..hiding out in the corner with only our pills for companionship.)

    I really do understand, Dallas, how tough it is to shove yourself out the door to even the most fun activity. It's been such an incredibly long time, since we ventured out without our "best friends"...and it feels almost naked, stepping outside the door, without them!! By the way, re. an exhibit you recently saw, many years ago, in Washington, DC, I went to see their Medical Museum--and that was when I learned just WHY so many 19th and early 20th century patients were so happy after seeing their doctors--all those prescriptions for MORPHINE--all sold as "miracle cures"!!! LOL!! What a riot!! It would be like having our nationwide chain drugs stores shelves stocked with Lortabs, Vicodins, Oxycontins, etc.. Can you imagine what our shopping cart would look like!

    Incidentally, my own "sock test" reveals that, although I have dozens of socks in every shade and pattern available, I wear only one pair of my very favorite comfy black anklets, simply stitching them up, as they wear out. Now what do you think that THAT says about me???

    Ellen - I sure DO know about "Passport to the East/West Side"!! In 1970, I had, for one year, an apt on York Ave and 74th St. And then, when I returned from many years in London, I moved directly to the West Side--and you'd think we'd just passed the international timezone or something. It is SO funny how "different" the two sides of the city can feel..even tho people are so similar. Whenever I take the bus over to the East Side...I feel like I just dress a little better than I do in my 'hood!! LOL! You guys look so much neater than us ramshackle Westsiders! Where are your meetings by the way?

    Sarah....sounds like you're going thru a tough time...and need a bit of good old Board support. It seems that life is just such, that--no matter how good we may be feeling for awhile--there is just no way that we can totally eliminate those "down" times that hit us. And during those down times...we just have to say to ourselves that THIS is the time we are going to have to struggle harder to keep those pills out the door. We should never feel guilty that we are "one step from a bad choice." That is just a fact of life....and we all need to help one another when we're not feeling as strong as we want to. So....just try to focus on what you need to do....and please don't feel any guilt at having to struggle. If life were so simple that we could just wave a magic wand and never have to think about drugs ever again...then we wouldn't have had our problems in the first place. But, the good thing now, is that, with this Board, you have so many friends who are here to help you.

    Lisa, I meant to tell you, that sometimes when you write about your husband....it makes me realize how much I tried to do what you did in the past--been what you thought your husband thought you should be. What I remember about myself and my own marriage, was just how lonely you can feel WITHIN a marriage. It becomes such a glaring reminder of the "sham" we are living. :-( (Kinda like feeling like even if you're married...you STILL won't have a date for New Year's Eve!) LOLOLOL!!

    Okay, I'd wanted to write to a few more people, but it's crazed here at work (ugh!) and I gotta go now. I'll write again tomorrow about my addicitonologist appt. yesterday.

    Hope you all have a good Friday and good weekend.

    xxx Lynn

     
    Old 01-28-2005, 01:33 PM   #13
    DallasAli
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    Re: Lisa, Michie, The Twins, C-Mom, Dallas.....everyone-

    Hi All,

    I love this thread! I find myself anticipating the boards more now that I don't have to search far & wide to find everyone's posts. I've noticed all the new threads & names, too, & I made a "board vow" to try to get more involved, introduce myself & share a thought or a statement of understanding. There are so many of 'us,' it's amazing.

    HQueen, did you find your jacks? I smiled when I read about your glittery ball . It is positive for us to recall our pasts w/o it entirely full of negatives. I couldn't think of one happy moment of my early youth when asked to tell my counselor one, & it took a lot of digging to remember that my "escapes" from my abusive, alcoholic father also took me to some good family's houses & to some of my best childhood friends & memories. Mixed in my bad & ugly home life somewhere were sleepovers, games, late-night gab sessions, ice cream, candy, trick or treating, trips with my friends' families to go to weekend cabin getaways, or camping, or day trips to the mountains. I was fortunate that I had those people & I suspect that some of my friend's mothers knew what my home was like & wanted to help (now that I'm a mom, I'd like to think I'd pick up on it if one of my kid's friends was going through that at home.) So in playing jacks (still stuck on those dang threesies!!!), staring through the kaleidoscopes, tiddlywinks, & lately my daughter & I have been playing with her Ouija board (yes, I confess--me solo, too!) Anyway, as addicts who have lived a life that to some degree consisted of one or more of the following "not-so-good" feelings/acyions: negativity, guilt, sneakiness, lieing, stealing, manipulating, not being able to do something spontaneous or go anywhere if we didn't have enough pills so then the pill counting, the anxiety when we were getting low, the fear of running out--none of those things were fun, you know? So now that we've been able to get rid of that, we have room to let the fun back in & in looking back at our often unpleasant childhoods (I don't mean all of us, but I think many an addict has an abused youth in them), we can rediscover what was fun, & playing fun! I've been getting such a kick just playing...we have time to play now that the negative time-consuming things that surround pill addiction is diminishing, & it's been a revelation to me that I can do this, & sure my kids think I'm a nut, but you know what? They're the first ones to get down on the floor and play with me!

    Lynn, I LOVED your story about the kit you're building & 'playing' with! That sounds like so much fun...you've inspired me to see if I can find, along with a turntable (I can see Ell listening to Sweet Baby James , & I'm breaking a commandment by coveting my neighbor's turntable! I'm happy for you, Ell, such good tunes, & I even like JT bald) but I'm inspired to get one of those "Invisible Man or Woman," remember those? They were clear plastic with all the internal organs inside ready to paint? I wonder if they're still around? For some reason, "beading" just popped into my head! I loved doing that back in the 60s, & they're so IN again, I have also found, due to some warm weather recently, that I can spend a long time on a swing...if the seat is a wide one..lol. I'm just really happy to hear of so many of us playing & just having "good, clean" fun again.

    Lisa my friend! That's right, carry on & keep having fun & your husband can do what he wants with his time. It would be nice if you two were on the same page, but in all the past time I lurked over you, LOL, he never seemed to change for any duration. I love your voice of confidence & your self-esteem! It is so great to hear you refer to yourself that way ! You're right, any husband with a wife who's been that strong & successful, & even stood by him during that court thing so long ago while going thru cold turkey w/ds & who surely looks like a million bucks on top of your strong personality, well...he should be proud to go out with you. You will work this thing out, & I understand how hard it is...there's a lot to factor into your equasion. On the other hand, like Lynn said, there is nothing worse than being married & still being lonely. Nine yrs. ago I was in Hawaii with my now-ex, our kids, his dad, & his dying mother for almost 2 wks. over our 15th wedding anniversary, & I never even got kissed! No hand holding on the beach at sunset for this girl. But you know what? I went on a solo helicopter tour, snorkeled with my son, built sand castles with my daughter, relaxed solo in the hot tub, & my father-in-law & I made pina coladas & drank them on the patio watching sunsets. I made the best of it, but my ex slunk around, moping & knowing he blew it by inviting a friend of his out to dinner WITH us on our anniversary night out--that was the night I told him I was divorcing him but I'd wait till his mother succumbed to her cancer. It finally hit him when the marriage counselor looked him in the eye & told him "you should have not have been able to wait to go out with your wife of 15 yrs., the mother of your children, your partner, while you were in this exotic, romantic setting to celebrate 15 yrs. together, yet you chose to avoid intimacy by including a 3rd party." Finally, someone got thru to him, but it was too little, too late. Now Lisa, you have your sister back, you're cultivating new friends, you're doing the things you like & getting out there again (I recall a girl who used to feel horribly housebound & was battling cabin fever) Lots of change in the air for you, and all of us!

    Sara, I worry about you, my friend. It is so wonderful that through rehab & your life experiences, you recognize when you are vulnerable to relapse. You are better equipped & can draw on all your resources & tools & fight back. You have amazed me from the beginning, my little Frida bird, with your ability to endure your very real pain & put your addiction fears, your faith, health, & children first. I would not be able to be that strong, no way, if I had the pathology you have, my goodness, I'd be using pain meds & struggling with "taking them as directed," I just know it. Yet here you are, willing to feel that pain rather than take something for relief which is probably only a phone call away. I don't know a lot about your level of pain, but it sounds bad, really bad sometimes...especially when I think of your past posts. So when I say I am worried about you, it isn't just about the possibility of your relapsing, it's about your pain threshold & how much can one person take? You're right to get on the eating issue right away...you can't fight back if you're weak. There's already too much emphasis placed on "thin," & our girls are the ones who are going to pay for that. You know you have to do the right thing by yourself & them when it comes to food. I can remember being so high & afraid of losing the buzz that I'd hardly ever eat, & what I ate was junk! My counselor also specializes in nutrition, so she's helping me, & I am eating better & feeling the results of it--food was a nuisance when in full-addiction; just something I had to do--now it's a pleasure & part of the whole pampering process. I smile at you Lynn, when I read about your neighborhood deli & the goodies you must be surrounded by! Again, me..green w/envy!

    Lynn, I was hoping that you'd had your appt. w/your dr., so pls. do let us know. I know I have depressed episodes, & although I've tried ADs in the past, I wonder if they'd help me? It is hard to keep forcing, going on a 2-hr. excursion to an art museum (something I love) just seems like it shouldn't be so hard? I feel great when there & afterwards, it's just leaving the nest! I am hopeful that if I keep working with my program, counselor, & my artist recovery that it will get easier. But yes, I love my nest. I redid my bedroom about 3 yrs. after the divorce. From dark, heavy curtains, deep maroons, greens, & browns, to now a room of pale yellow and green pillows, plaid & striped valances over light blue curtains w/peonies & magnolias bursting off the blue, yellow, white, rose-colored comforter! Pastel depression glass lines my dresser, antique mirrors & a much-loved Van Gogh print I found in an antique shop, & the must-have huge bed for spreading out the necessities for a good nest . I truly think our nesting of the present is a healthier alone time than our isolation brought on by addiction. I know mine is...hide, Dallas, hide! Someone might find out...shhh, don't let anyone know you're home. Literally 3 days w/o showering, not healthy time spent alone at all--ick!

    Ell, I knew you had some clean time under your belt, but 16 yrs! That is so wonderful . Yes, you will be a much-called on source of information & support. I wonder what your "turning point," or your "bottom" was, yet I do respect your privacy. You were looking for sobriety in the late 80s, & I was a new mom, so I was on pain pills . I hope you do reveal more as we get to know you better. Reading your exchanges w/the twins makes me so want to go to NY! I did go once in '78, but our destination was Corning (had an awesome glass museum, though), & I did see Niagara Falls--from the Canadian side--& that was so beautiful...

    So much to say, & such limited word allowance!
    I love you all,
    Dallas

    p.s. GoddessGirl? ChristianMom? Michelle? Would love to hear from you

     
    Old 01-28-2005, 02:04 PM   #14
    Ellnyc
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    Re: Lisa, Michie, The Twins, C-Mom, Dallas.....everyone-

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Twinlynn
    "Calling all Nesters"!!! LOL! (Where's the little curled-up icon with the "zzzzz's" over its head???)
    Ellen - I sure DO know about "Passport to the East/West Side"!! In 1970, I had, for one year, an apt on York Ave and 74th St. And then, when I returned from many years in London, I moved directly to the West Side--and you'd think we'd just passed the international timezone or something. It is SO funny how "different" the two sides of the city can feel..even tho people are so similar. Whenever I take the bus over to the East Side...I feel like I just dress a little better than I do in my 'hood!! LOL! You guys look so much neater than us ramshackle Westsiders! Where are your meetings by the way?
    Hiya Neighbor~
    Such a small world ... Before moving here to 59th & 2nd Ave, I lived on York and 72nd Street! (The Somerset) I loved the area, but you are so right... my new midtown location is more me ... casual, comfy nice, though I feel even more at home when I am on the West side or Union Square, etc...Really, I noticed that on my last visit to Zabars. Right at home- yeah!
    The meeting that I am chairing is in the Citicorp bldg. (54th and Lex). Meeting is called Citigroup. We meet each day at 12:30. There are 2 meetings going on at the same time, but I am chairing the Beginners. Lots of newbies and oldtimes alike. My old home group was on 74Th, between 1st and 2nd and it was called Studio~ it is a nice smallish cozy meeting too, Citicorp getting a larger and more of a lunch time business crowd. Like I said meetings do tend to have different personalities. Lynn ... do you have a NYC meeting schedule book? You can get one by calling 212 647-1680, and asking them to send you one, or pick one up free at most meetings. Or, if you'd like I could send you one, though I don't know how we can post that info safely.
    In anycase, I'd love to see you there one day but I also understand you might want to remain anonymous. In that case, you'll have to know which day of the week I chair... Also, I do it alternate weeks. It is a nice meeting, but there are also some good ones on the Westside, like one called Fireside. You'll see the huge selection if you get a meeting book.

    Hey Lisa girl! Oh, I'm so proud of you- taking on a coffee commitment and making some new sober connections! I have made the most remarkable, wonderful friendships with people I have met in the program...Somehow, my using/drinking buddies drifted away and now most of my good friends are sober. Not only because they don't drink/drug but also because they are all on the same spiritual path as I am. It doesn't happen overnight, but you'll see ... your life can be filled with the riches of sobriety ~ including your reaching out to others and others who will reach out to you. You are doing great~
    And HQ~ thank you so much for starting this thread. Please, please never stop reaching out. Relapse is part of this disease. And one day, soon it will stop and you will march ahead ONE day at a time, like all of us. I have only been clean FOR TODAY! Whoever got up the earliest TODAY, is clean the longest!
    I do hope some of the newbies and lurkers will chime in here too, nothing worse then a feeling there is a clique that your not a part of. So ... come on join in!

    I'm off to start a little dinner (YES, I'm cooking tonight, and want it to be ready when I retun home from my food shopping) I will be checking back later.
    Love and hugs to ALL,
    El

     
    Old 01-28-2005, 04:12 PM   #15
    DallasAli
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    Join Date: Jun 2004
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    Re: Lisa, Michie, The Twins, C-Mom, Dallas.....everyone-

    Hi Lynn,

    Just a quick p.s. to ask about Alice. How's she doing? Has she been having similar feelings since dropping down the Sub? And of course, the inevitable...is she experiencing PC withdrawals yet?! I hope her computer is back up and running soon. Give her my best, will you?

    Take care, kiddo
    Love, Dallas

     
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