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    Old 01-28-2005, 10:08 PM   #1
    jmf
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    I relapsed...feeling bad

    It feels better just to get this off my shoulders. I already told everyone in my contract group. They didn't kick me out, but I was ready. I planned the whole thing now that I think about it. I got the vicodin. Had a glass of wine at the neighbor's house and took two 10mgs. The relapse lasted for three days and then I came to my senses and flushed them. I even went to therapy and didn't tell my therapist. I told him today and he asked why I didn't tell him. Figured out that I like to keep secrets. Ever since I was a child I have had secrets and this is one of those developmental extensions. Crap! I went to my relapse prevention group high out of my head, nodding off and itching. I can't believe nobody said anything. I'm so horrified. Please tell me that you learn from every relapse and that you get stronger and stronger. I go to meetings everyday, but between the blizzard and my ceiling dripping and caving in, not getting the job I interviewed for...well, I just lost it. I keep telling myself this is a process and that for every 5 steps forward that I take, I take 2 steps back. But isn't that still 3 steps forward? Or am I back at zero? JMF

     
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    Old 01-28-2005, 10:23 PM   #2
    Mike_NY
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    Re: I relapsed...feeling bad

    JMF, don't beat yourself up. You had the presence of mind to flush the rest away. Tomorrow is a new beginning and as long as you have the will to keep trying there is hope.

    I've had a few cravings as well this week so I know where you are coming from. I find if I am home alone that as soon as I feel the craving I hit the phones and call my councelor or a fellow member I connected with from NA then it dissolves rapidly.

    It's a very poweful tool that makes the disease cower into the shadows immediately.

    Regards, and take it easy.

    Mike

     
    Old 01-29-2005, 07:53 AM   #3
    valleygurl
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    Re: I relapsed...feeling bad

    JMF, No, you are not back at zero! You have acknowledged your slip up and you came clean about it. Not to mention you had the will power to get rid of the pills you had left. That was a big step!!! You are no different than many of us here. I truely believe that your little slip is just a part of you getting well. You are still on the right track and i am so very proud of you. Stay focused on your goal and use all the resources that you have available to you. Keep us all posted!
    Peace up! ValleyGurl

     
    Old 01-29-2005, 10:26 AM   #4
    jmf
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    Re: I relapsed...feeling bad

    Thanks for the reinforcement. I just needed to hear that from fellow druggies/alkies. It's just that when you sit in these NA/AA meetings and everyone's talking about their sober time in years and you're sitting ther thinking of yours in hours or days, it gets a little discouraging.

    I do need to get a sponsor or some buddies from these meetings who I can call when the insanity sets in. I do speak up in most of the meetings, but then make a B-line for the door at the end.

    So glad that I'm not at zero again. I really don't feel like it after all the work I've done the last couple of months. JMF

     
    Old 01-29-2005, 10:46 AM   #5
    rosietee
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    Re: I relapsed...feeling bad

    You will not believe how much your post has helped me. Now I feel like I could come clean if you can. I know exactly what you mean. When I have relapsed, I have told no one. Not even NA people. Not even my doctor or my therapist. You take a less-than-30- days chip, because, well, you have been clean *less* than 30 days (even an hour is less than 30 days, right?). People start to wonder, when you are still taking it 6 months later! Though I haven't been going to meetings lately, I don't think I ever took a 30-day chip, and every time I have had plenty of good excuses (surgeries, skull fracture!), but "coming clean" by admitting it is the most important step, IMHO.

    Some say that taking medication "as prescribed" does not affect your cleantime, but I feel like taking some when I am not really in *that* much pain (which I always end up doing) is a relapse, so I am weird. But it is really, really nice not to have to wake up and chew up 5 10/325's, in order to avoid becoming violently ill like I used to. And I had to go to detox to get off of my 20-30-pill-a-day habit! It might help to remember how far you have come too, and think about what you are going to do, just today, just this hour, just this minute. For the next hour I am not going to use!

    At one point I did have an NA friend who had relapsed and we were encouraging each other every day on the phone. Then he went and died of a heart attack (real young "healthy" guy too)!! And he was basically my first friend in NA and the only one I had saved on my cell phone, besides my sponsor. (Ticked me off, used as an excuse to stop going to meetings--brilliant rationale, right?)

    So thanks for reminding me how important being open is!

    rosietee

     
    Old 01-29-2005, 10:51 AM   #6
    bluejulie5
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    Re: I relapsed...feeling bad

    We are all different, and some of us relapse.

    I have been off of my methadone treatment for almost 3 months without relapsing.

    A big part of it is that I don't have any source, besides one, and that is expensive and
    not really an option anymore in my mind.

    It has been a real struggle for me, but the Methadone treatment worked for me....
    Surprisingly.
    I think if I had a buddy that offered me a pill, I might take one. But thank goodness
    I don't.
    My son is having surgery on the 8th and there will be pain pills in the home.
    I have already planned what we are going to do: My husband will set out
    my son's daily dosage and hide the pill bottle.
    He did that for me with my methadone.

    Hey, hang in there, it seems that you are trying.
    I know you can do it.
    Right now the pills aren't an issue with me anymore (I do crave once in a while)
    but I am struggling with smoking.
    I have a very addictive personality.
    Take Care
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    Old 01-29-2005, 10:52 AM   #7
    Ellnyc
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    Re: I relapsed...feeling bad

    Something to keep in mind ... all the people who now have years of sobriety also once had only HOURS~We all had a day one, and actually the newcomers are the most important people in the room. We are all just a pill/drink away from a slip.
    You might want to hang out a few minutes after the meeting to get some #'s, thanking the speaker is always a good way to connect. It's great to have a sponsor but in addition befriending other newcomers like yourself helps build support. Remember, those of us with some clean time NEED and depend on the newcomers to keep us sober. Passing on the message is how it works. We can't keep it unless we give it away, etc. We NEED you as much as you need us.
    Don't pick up, go to meetings and get a sponsor ASAP!
    Hugs,
    El

     
    Old 01-29-2005, 12:32 PM   #8
    jessy28
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    Re: I relapsed...feeling bad

    I don't think I know anyone that is sober now for years along with me that did not have multiple relapses for a while before finally figuring it out. You are ok. I hate to say that but it is true. I was sober for nine months off of heavy methadone and relapsed and now have three years. I think somewhere along the lines you no longer allow getting high to be an option anymore. It is a mental choice but it is not an easy one to fully committ to and I think it happens a little bit at a time. Get into the meetings and eventually you will know when the time is right to incorporate a nice balance of those program people and the rest of the world. No one is perfect.

     
    Old 01-29-2005, 03:44 PM   #9
    Sarandipity
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    Re: I relapsed...feeling bad

    JMF,
    You are awesome! You are doing all the right things- being honest one of them. I just gainned a huge amount of respect for you just now. I dont know where you live but I am 4 months sober and used to be a pill head. Narcodics only, not alcohol, athough I go to AA, and CA. In AA I have found way more solution and sobriety. They have been around longer and when Im sitting in a meeting I just substitute the word alcohol for pills. Try getting a sponsor right away and work steps 1-3 in just one session of seeing your sponsor.
    JMF- do you have a big book? Read page 24-25 Spiritual experience- that is helping me right now, new in sobriety. I have cravings that come and go. Right now I know I could not be trusted with a bottle of vics. I have really bad back pain, and Im an addict. It's a scarey combo.

    Stay in touch with us okay?

    -Sara
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    -Sara

     
    Old 01-29-2005, 03:54 PM   #10
    jmf
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    Re: I relapsed...feeling bad

    Alright, I'm feeling a little bit more 'normal' again. Thank you for your encouragement. Jessy, what you said makes totally clicked with me getting high not being an option anymore and it being a mental choice. BTW, vicodon/opiates were not my drug of choice, coke/crack was. That's what made taking the vicodin an easier rationalization for me. I know...what a warped way of thinking.

    Rosietee, just get the relapse out there in the open. I'm glad that I'm not the only one keeping these secrets. I'm so afraid to ask for help or call anyone. I don't know why. It's just how I am. I also have never gotten a 30-day chip. In my mind I say I deserve one because I didn't do my drug of choice and just took a xanax to sleep one night. But I know that if I told any NA group about that, they would be like "give me that chip back." So I just look around the room like...any takers, any takers? I have one meeting where you have to write your last day of using down and pass around the sheet. I just wince and hope no one looks at my date and then at me!

    I'm off to an AA meeting right now. This one is supposed to be a bit more upbeat than my normal Saturday NA meeting in the bowels of some dusty, mouse-ridden church. It's totally tragic, so I hope this one will be better.

    Last edited by jmf; 01-29-2005 at 08:58 PM.

     
    Old 01-30-2005, 10:18 AM   #11
    jessy28
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    Re: I relapsed...feeling bad

    Ya know, I did a lot of crack too and the thing that I relapsed on after the nine months clean was crack. I made the mistake of thinking I was strong enough to be around it one random day for a very short time. That was stupid. The smell got me and I was right back where I started from and relapsed for like 4 months. Now I have been clean almost three years. I live on earth so unfortunatly there have been instances where somehow some drugs where being done. I got the hell out of there fast and if there was crack smoke at all I held my breath long enough to get out the door and never come back. I am hard headed, as most addicts, and always have to test the limits. I learned my lesson after that relapse.

     
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