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Hello to everyone --- I'm sorry it's been so long!

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Old 02-23-2005, 04:24 AM   #1
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Banker HB User
Hello to everyone --- I'm sorry it's been so long!

Hi everyone! I wanted to say I'm sorry for not being here for everyone. I had to get off for a long time because I just couldn't continue to 'fight' for why Suboxone was the right thing for me.... also couldn't stand reading all of the horrible withdrawal stories. I just couldn't stand it and as most addicts know, if things aren't pleasant and 'easy', then I just avoid and deny.

Anyway, I've missed everyone and I'm tapering from Sub right now. I've been pretty impatient and going from 16 - 12 was a struggle... but with the help of a friend, got through that part. Then, with the help of some 'higher power', I just ended up at 8 over the last week or so... no troubles really at all. I'm able to sleep now at night whereas I wasn't before. But I was fine on just 4 hours of sleep or so and that only lasted about 3 weeks.

I'm extremely determined to taper and taper fast. I've considered cold turkey... which I know would be hard. But so far, coming off of this hasn't been impossible. Thing is, if I could taper, I wouldn't have gotten on Sub in the first place. But I'm doing it, with the help of prayer and my friends and family. But right now, I feel really good about it.... And even when I did that drastic drop from basically 16 - 8 in just a few weeks, It has been extremely tolerable.

Don't think I don't realize that some people will come on here and say 'the worst is yet t o come' but I'm ready for it. Took some time off of work in the upcoming weeks which I'm hoping to be completely days clean from it. Then I'll have at least a week to recover from that part. I believe the mental aspect has so much to do with our recovery. If the will is there, then the desired result will occur.... period! And most of the time, with a positive outlook, I bet my physical symptoms will be tolerable... but like I said, I've taken time off of work, just in case. I've also started on ADD meds within the last few months and boy, what a difference that has made. It's amazing!!! But I don't understand the addiction aspect of the ADD meds as it gives me no 'euphoric' feeling, no 'up' feeling or anything.... just the ability to focus... but I'm on a pretty low dose. Anyway, take care everyonne ---- I miss you all and please pray that I will get through this.

I'm not concerned about using again once I'm off.... that is just not something that is even within the scope of my future.... just will not happen!

I'm happy that I got on Sub, happy that I was as vocal as I was about it on this board because I know so many that it has helped, and i'm very happy that God has spared me the 'terrible withdrawals' that people discuss.... I know I'll be fine. I used to be so sick from taking tabs..... I can handle this... honestly, I believe if I convince myself that it will be as easy as it has been to jump down so fast, with a litle discomfort for a few days.... then I can do it. And I'll be clean, and SKINNY!!! I cannot wait for the weight to just fall off --- as I know it will.... Cannot wait! Cannot wait to be free from another pill.... cannot wait!!!! Please everyone, let me know how you are. You don't know how many times I've wanted to come on here, but I just knew it best to stay away... and deal with my issues, fears, etc. by myself. And now I'm ready to come off and I pray that you guys will help me, and definitely pray very hard for me.

Thanks for everything and I hope everyone is doing well.... Lisa... did he leave? I hope everyone writes me and tells me how they are.... please do, I miss you guys!!!!

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Old 02-23-2005, 06:40 AM   #2
Join Date: May 2004
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windysan HB User
Re: Hello to everyone --- I'm sorry it's been so long!

Good job Banker. Good to see you back. Congratulations of fighting the good fight. You'll do it. Lots of folks need you wise advice in here. Give it hell.

Old 02-23-2005, 06:50 AM   #3
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 1,031
Twinlynn HB User
Talking Re: Hello to everyone --- I'm sorry it's been so long!

Oh, Banker..... you will never know how very worried Alice and I have been, not knowing where you were. We were so certain that you would not have just disappeared without some absolutely horrible thing happening to you. Every day I'd think about you....and my heart just dropped. I felt so, so sad, thinking that I would never know what had caused you to drop from the Boards. It was like losing a very dear friend. Please don't EVER do that again without at least saying "good-bye for awhile." You are so loved here.

Just yesterday, I was remembering the long post you sent me the day the vet told me that Theo needed this big operation. The thread was headed "Lynn, he'll be all right"---and I felt such a loving connection with you that you instinctively knew I loved my dogs so much that I would feel so panicky at even the THOUGHT of this operation! Your huge heart, your intelligence, your humor...lit up the Board for me. And...because of you and Goddessgrl....Alice and I got onto the Sub--which has saved our lives. (Right now, I am sick with worry over Goddessgrl--she hasn't come back since her little "exile"--and I know she was struggling with tapering the Sub and feeling so despondent about things.) When she needed us most, we couldn't get to her...and now that we can....she hasn't come back. :-(

I did wonder whether it was your having to read all those tough Sub withdrawal stories that was causing you to limit your posts and not read here. But, somehow, I never seriously thought that was totally what was keeping you from your friends here. But, whatever it was....I am just so happy to see your message here. I know that after people start to recover, they may withdraw from the board to "move on" and away from what can be a reminder of how ill they were...and how raw their emotions..... And I completely understand that. But, all I can say is...I missed you.

If you've been following our posts, you know that Alice and I started Subutex in Dec., and we are being guided thru the entire experience by the most wonderfully intelligent, insightful, addictionologist, who specializes in the use of this drug. (She prescribed it years ago, when it was available in Europe--but unavailable here--and she said that she had several patients who actually flew to England several times a year to bring the Sub back!) This doctor, is so perfect for Alice and I...very humorous, quick to pick up even the tiniest remarks and get right to the issue I might be "dancing" around.

She has great understanding as to why people take drugs---she feels it is absolutely, perfectly normal that when we are feeling low....and something is there that appears to act like a miracle cure--we would just, naturally, reach for it. She says she wishes that drugs were GOOD for that we could all have that perennial joy in life that we experience very temporaily from them. drugs are so destructive and harmful...she says we just have to try our best to balance our brain chemistry with the drugs that ARE good. Like the antidepressants. (She has an acute awareness of depression being the most soul-destroying feeling in the world. I suspect she's had it, herself, in the past.)

Her attitude towards Sub is: you go on it, staying at the lowest dose that stops your withdrawal and that you feel "normal" at. Then, you try to wean off it, say, 2 mg every few weeks. But...if depression and mental pain results---and remains for more than a few weeks at the lowered dose....then she wants you to get back to the level just above that.....the level at which you felt okay and "normal". She realizes that some of us are very prone to depression as we taper. And that depression is the most important issue to deal with.

I went from 12 to 10 to 8 mg with no problems. But after a couple of days at 6 mg....I just felt myself totally "flatten out".....I crept back into my old clinical depression...where no emotions even came close to the surface. I felt that sort of "slipping back into the blackness" when you start to feel detached from everything around you. Including yoursefl!!! I could even hear my voice sounding so "flat" when I spoke. So emotionless. I could not even post here..had no energy even to put words together. (Or, as "Dallas Alice" later stated about my short, pathetic posts..."I knew it was bad when you stopped using "emoticons"....when all those dancing blobs disappeared from your paragraphs!!" LOLOL!!

Anyway, thru all this depressive haze, I realized that I had to schedule an immediate emergency meeting with Dr. T.... and she saw me right away and, told me to go right back up to the 8 mg. That the taper did not matter. If I needed the 8 mg--then I needed it!!! In months to come, I could try the taper again. But she said there was absolutely nothing achieved by falling into a clinical depresssion, while saying 'Yay....I got down to 6 mgs!!!"

Anyway, she is an astute, compassionate and devoted doctor....and I have so much confidence in how she will steer me through the Sub. Banker, you sound like you are doing very well in your taper. And I will tell you what my Dr. Taubes would tell you....don't do it too fast. Listen to your body and brain...make certain you are not hurting too bad....or are going downhill mentally. You should not be experiencing extreme withdrawals. You may feel "uncomfortable"....and uneasy...etc. as you slowly taper--but you should not be in Hell!!!

I am so happy that you are doing so well., Banker. I think it is wise that you gave yourself some time off work. It is such an awful stress to be in the office during withdrawal periods!!! Aaaarrrggggggg!!! How long will you be away? You know, I finally got back to work (after that horrible infected foot) in early January....and it's been stress upon stress, because of my boss's personal crises. And I can tell you, I would not have made it thru withdrawal--and still kept my job-- if I had been working side by side with her, while i was going through it!! I would have been so raw and so touchy, I would have exploded! With the Sub, tho, I can just about deal with it. (I only sharpen my Bowie knife TWICE a day now....)

It sounds, also, as if the ADD is working. Does it have any side-effects? Do you find yourself less animated about doing things like, say....going out in the evening, chatting with others, writing? Does it slow you down in any way? Have any mental effect?

When you have a chance I would love to hear about how you--and your wonderful little ones---are doing. I know you have had so many ups and downs.....and I just hope that you are feeling "up" again...and that you are still dreaming your dreams.

Just for your information....Michelle is pretty good, tho has to watch out for the abnormal pap smears she's had. Not cancer...more a "pre" state...but her cells have to be checked out every few months. Kinda's had a downswing....and I'm trying to let him know we care about him and want to support him. Rosie-tee has been doing better (she had a terrible seizure from Ultram a few months ago.) We all stay in touch and feel a real "kinship"--like we do with you! You can not imagine how many people have tried to "call you back" here!! I just got frantic, thinking about "what if she CAN'T get back to us...."

When you have time to read the boards, you will meet some of the really great people who have joined. I wish I had more time to "meet" them all. I've gotten to know and love "Dallas Alice", "ElNY" (who lives near me!), and many others. (Read thru their threads when you have a chance.) Right now I am sorely missing Goddess, who has had nothing but wise and kind words for everyone who ever wrote here...and who, I think, is under a lot of stress, herself, right now....and badly needs a kind word and a hug. I'm going to try again to get her back. And I'll KEEP trying!

I know how busy life is....and how we get involved in so many things, as time moves on. And I do understand how it gets difficult keeping up with many people, when you are struggling thru your own life crises. But....PLEASE just write us a few words whenever you can, Banker, so we won't worry. I think of you as my "childhood" friend--because you were just about the first person I met on board here!!

Lots more to tell you....about my feelings about being off the oxys....but it will have to wait! Gee, LOL! just thinking how happy I am that we don't have to "retire" your number--I mean "name". I kept imagining have to take the name "Banker" down and put it in my showcase!

luv ya, sooooo much, xxxxx Lynn xxxxx

PS Alice is gonna be so happy when she sees your post!!!

Old 02-23-2005, 06:57 AM   #4
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 1,031
Twinlynn HB User
Re: Hello to everyone --- I'm sorry it's been so long!

Hey, Windysan! "The Banker" is BACK--doesn't she deserve more than two lines!!!! LOLOLOL! You guys are all so "compact"--so "terse"! :-) Even "Eraserhead" got a longer response.Ho ho ho. (Hope you know that I am "pulling your leg"!! I always laugh when I realize how all the verbal burbling I do can really be accomplished in one short, sharp shock!)

:-) Lynn (still practicing on getting my paras. down to a lower weight!!!!)

Old 02-23-2005, 12:46 PM   #5
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Join Date: Jun 2004
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Posts: 275
DallasAli HB User
Re: Hello to everyone --- I'm sorry it's been so long!

Hi Banker!

I am so very happy to see your name on the boards again ! You know I lurked here for almost a year or more before I finally joined and posted on that "fateful" night of mine, so just when I was able to actually write you, (and we did write back and forth a bit), but then you left. I felt I knew you so well before I joined because I'd been reading your posts for so long, and I knew I wanted to be a part of this very amazing and very cool group of addicts . In my first post here, I remember writing that I felt like as if I knew many of you and then I mentioned things about those I had been following such as "Lisa and her abusive husband," "Michelle and her faith," and I recall that I wrote "...and Banker, who has dreams I have no doubt she will see to fruition." Well, I will take it that my "prediction" came to be as you do sound very successful and happy with the course your life has taken. You sound as determined as I remember.

I understand completely why you needed to stay away for awhile. In recovery, I've learned that the first thing an addict needs to do is feel safe, and either eliminate or bring into your life those people and/or places that are the right thing for you at whatever certain place you are at. I don't know if you've seen any of my posts, but I ended up going on Methadone, and it totally changed my life around. The clinic I go to is now offering the Sub, but the cost is so much higher (something about it not being able to be state-funded like meth because of it still being fairly new, or some odd thing like that?!). Although I've read some terrible horror stories on here and other places about methadone treatment ...the usual "it's just trading one drug in for another," and the "methadone is harder to withdraw from than heroin," and many a post mentioning the various degrees of tortoruous, grueling pain I am going to feel when it's time to taper off of it. Yes there will be hard times, I'm sure, or maybe not too bad of times, but I have put my trust in my program and that is all I will say. If I didn't use that one AA quote "take what you need and leave the rest," I would find myself in many a friendly "discussion." I have chosen to not read things that are negative about the course of treatment I am on as it might catch me at a weak moment and I may choose to allow someone else's negativity to affect my progress, and with that said, I will only reiterate why I SO understand your hiatus! (BTW, you guys will know this--something that I flash on every time I hear that AA line because it sounds soooo familiar. Isn't that line "take what you need and leave the rest..." in the song "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" by The Band and later reincarnated by Joan Baez? You know, " just take what you need and leave the rest, but they should never have taken the very best...the night they drove old dixie down, and all the bells were ringing, the night they drove old dixie down, and all the people were singing..." I know AA has been around longer than that song, but I'm sure I first heard it from The Band. AA and NA and R&R Trivia...sheesh, I need a life, LOL!

I remember you stressing about the weight back then, too, Banker. I have experienced the same thing with Methadone. There is a direct connection with opiate useage and sugar craving I understand the pros are theorizing. I have wondered at the meth clinic when I watch the others waiting for their dose go over and pour themselves a cup of sugar and then add some coffee to it. Truly, I've gained quite a bit myself, but fortunately I'm tall. I had a salt love affair that immediately turned into a mass sugar consumption! Banana nut muffins, donuts, eclairs, "Mothers" brand of peanut butter cookies and her Raisin ones also. Any kind of pie, cake, cookie, rolls, all of that chocolate, but I raided my daughter's Halloween candy horribly! And I've not eaten a candy bar for probably 15 years, so there has to be some kind of connection. My counselor at the clinic specializes in nutrition, so I'm learning a lot from her...mostly that foods that are good for us and don't contain sugar, wheat or preservatives cost three times as much as the food I've lived on most of my life...LOL!

Well, I gotta go, but I so wanted to welcome you back . Keep posting, okay? I loved your posts of the past, and I'm so happy to see your positive, committed approach to this and getting off the pills...I loved what you said in your post, "Relapse, don't have to worry about isn't going to happen." How is your job, by the way? I also remember you writing about being nervous about some of the decisions you made while in full-blown addiction (if that wasn't you, please forgive and correct me), but I also recall that you were the chosen one by Sarandipity to be the financial Controller of the clinic she wanted to create and she then gave us all our job positions there ! She is doing very you know she went to rehab for a month? Now she's addicted to AA meetings, though (Sara, you know I'm kidding you!), yet she wears them well, and I think is soon on her way to being a sponsor?!

Great to have you back! Talk again soon,
Dallas Alice

p.s. Aw Lynn, you know I've grown to love you, too, my friend. It gives me so much comfort to know that you and your sister are in this world, and often at night, if I can't sleep, I think about if you were around and I could call you, what we might talk about. It's something intangible in how well you "get" me and how close I feel to you both, and I hope you feel the same way in that I can relate to so very much of what you've told me about your eclectic ways, because I'm very much that way, too.

Last edited by DallasAli; 02-23-2005 at 06:41 PM.

Old 02-23-2005, 05:01 PM   #6
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Best Friend HB User
Re: Hello to everyone --- I'm sorry it's been so long!

Oh my oh my oh my!!!! My beloved BANKER!!!! My very favorite VP!! We have SO much to catch up on. Couldn't believe all this stuff was happening and you weren't there to share with. But I understand....I'm just so happy you're back with us. Hugs to the family. And a special to your little girl! (I STILL remember her "Hey YOU!")

Old 02-23-2005, 05:30 PM   #7
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Location: Texas
Posts: 616
Sarandipity HB User
Wink Re: Hello to everyone --- I'm sorry it's been so long!

Very, very, very, very good hearing from you. It's so easy to isolate when we feel bad, or are trying to "feel" a certain way- my disease will tell me "OH SARA, YOU DONT NEED TO TELL THOSE PEOPLE ON THE BOARD, THEY ARENT HERE TO HUG YOU! THEY DONT NEED TO BE BOTHERED!) But the truth is... the right thing to do is tell your friends how your feeling. Its tricky if you let it!

So... the banker is back! Im so happy. Yes, Im praying for you, I know you can get down to 8 and then off for good. Dallas was right, (I LOVE YOU DALLAS) KISSES! I am addicted to AA. And the 12 steps. They work. I know Im not keeping me sober. I quit smoking too! I dont even want a cig, or pills for that matter! Its not even an option for me anymore. The obsession is gone. I can't tell you when it happened, It just did and one day while I wasgoing bout my business, and something stressfull happened, I didnt want to use! Its truly the 12 steps.

Ya know what someone told me about God, (that's my Higher Power):

God's not you and it's not me. Thats all we have to remember. And when you think about it and you work the steps.. it does come together.

Ok, ok, enough about Sara, Im sorry about that- Im so happy to see Lynn, and Twin Alice, and Dallas, and everyone else sent you L-O-N-G posts. They are the sweetest cyber people I will ever know. I say that with deep respect, admiration, and love for them. Ive never had people who have never MET me be sooooo sweet. It just makes the friendship bond even stronger b/c they dont know what I look like, they arent trying to get anything from me, and its just a true- honest to God friendship.

Ive missed you Banker. Please dont stay gone soooo long next time k?

Psssssss. I went to rehab, came home, lost my job, tried to fill a rx of valuim, never went to pharmacy to pick up, boyfriend found out I called Pharmacy, I had to tell my sponsor I almost relapsed, I got serious about my program after that, started going to 2-3 meetings a day, interviewed for job, 2nd interview on Monday of next week! ! (that was a long story, short)
"I believe that friends lift us up when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."

Old 02-24-2005, 03:52 AM   #8
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Join Date: May 2003
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lisaaahubb HB User
Re: Hello to everyone --- I'm sorry it's been so long!

Oh my gosh, where the heck have you been????
We were worried sick, although i know the feeling when you are trying to move on with your life.
No he hasn't officially left yet.....he leaves then comes back and so on and so forth. I am starting to really run low on patience with him. Same story different year. LOL
O.k.....what was that in Lynn's post to you about KINDAUNWELL?????? Oh my god, i love him!!!!! Where is he, Lynn???? Tell him he better post to me or else!!!! I always think of him when i hear that song "unwell" and when i think of him on the "graveyard shift" for the longest time LOL LOL
I, too, am worried about Goddessgrl, she is struggling and needs to be called out, i hope and pray she is safe and just taking a break from the board.
Michelle, rarely posts anymore, i miss her too. I am going to be getting a hysterectomy in the spring,. I have abnormal paps and am in constant pain now every week except for one week a month. I haven't even told my husband that the results from a biopsy that i had last week will be given to me today......i have a bad feeling. And of course, HE doesn't want me to get the operation, he is worried about he sexual aspect, why??? i don't know cuz we NEVER are intimate anymore. He hates me, it is obvious.
How are the kiddies????? We have school vacation this week, and i am already tired of them hogging my computer and dollaring me the death LOL
It is good to see one of my good 'ol friends back. I was thrilled when i saw your post! So good to hear from you.
love you tons....

Old 02-24-2005, 04:25 AM   #9
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Re: Hello to everyone --- I'm sorry it's been so long!

Welcome back Banker, we really missed you.You sound very 'up' and thats wonderful!You have to do what you have to do you know?The thing I like the most about this board(besides all the wonderful and caring people here)is that you can just lurk or post and come and go according to how you are doing and what you may need that particular day,you know?It sounds like you are doing all the right things and it is working.No one here will ever second guess your decisions.anyway, i am glad you are back.Marcia

Old 02-28-2005, 04:27 AM   #10
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Banker HB User
Re: Hello to everyone --- I'm sorry it's been so long!

Thanks to all of you who responded. I've missed you guys VERY much. I wrote a LONG post on Friday, then PC locked up. Been out of town this past weekend, just to 'get away'.... nice trip. Anyway, I've got so much to say.... Lynn, you're very right about what you said regarding my 'escape'.... not just the horror stories, but also felt like i had to defend the very drug that I was complaining about that saved my life... I was so tired of fighting for it... and fighting for my decision to get on it. I felt like some people thought I had taken the easy way out.... But for me, it was the only way. Now, I'm ready to move forward.... Your info is good information for me. I'm very, very glad that you and sis decided to get on it too.... Sometimes, you've just got to do, what you've got to do.... bottom line. I know it's very simplistic and almost sounds so cliche' but it's so true.

I'll write more soon.

Thanks again for everyone that cares.... I truly missed you guys and really apologize for being gone so long and being so selfish.

Lynn, - please do tell 'everyone' I said I missed them....

Old 02-28-2005, 06:37 AM   #11
Join Date: Oct 2003
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Twinlynn HB User
Re: Hello to everyone --- I'm sorry it's been so long!

Banker - I'm here at the dreaded office (LOL!), so just let me say, good to hear from you again. (And I've let others know that you've missed them!)

I understand so well the kind of agitation you felt, when people implied Sub was the "easy" way. Teeth-grating, isn't it!?! LOL! All I can say is tough enough, if there is an "easier" way to save my life, I'm going to be first in line to take it. :-)

It is so much more important for us to have come out of our "drug years" intact and whole. People need to read more about drugs like Sub and understand just how it works. It is hard to get others to understand that although there is a "false" opoid in it, it is NOT the same as popping hydros, oxys, etc. There is no high....just a blessed return to the days before we destroyed the production of endorphins in our brain cells.

On Sub, the brain is relearning how to produce what it needs, giving us the time to adjust our long-confused thinking about what it means to "feel good." On this Sub, it's been the first time in YEARS where I've felt normal emotions.

And the pay-back--a long, slow withdrawal from it, at some point--is more than worth it. Knowing how good life can be without opoids will make the withdrawal so much more bearable than it would have if I'd passed the Sub by--and gone straight to cold turkey--or tried to taper. I honestly don't think I would have made it.

I respect those who feel differently about Sub--but it is so important for those who are losing the drug fight, to know that there is this assistance with Sub.

Anyway, Banker...there are many, many different ways for people to get to the same point! And, ours, is just one of them! :-)

Sorry you lost your long post, Friday. That happened to me two weeks ago and I got so disgusted I just shut down the computer and stalked off! LOL!

It's soooooo good to "hear" your voice again, sweetie! xxxx Lynn

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