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-   -   My first day and I am READY to give up! (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/addiction-recovery/277812-my-first-day-i-am-ready-give-up.html)

way2nawty 04-25-2005 11:19 AM

My first day and I am READY to give up!
 
Hi all! Today is the first day that I have not taken a methadone or anyother type of narcotic and I feel like I am literally dying. Im trying to think of ANY reason to go get some more pills. I want to quit so bad but this hurt and pain I am feeling is terrible. I have been through withdrawl before......why did I allow myself to get here again and most importantly, why am I considering to start all over from square one?? I guess because I can't take feeling like this. I have such severe anxiety. I didn't sleep at all last night, I am very sick to my stomach and my head is throbbing. I guess I just need to hear from all of you that have fought this AND WON!! I need to be reminded that its possible to win this war against addiction!!! Let me know how long this should last. I have been addicted for over 10 years so I know it wont come over night but I don't know if I can make it through this evening, much less another day, another week, another month!!! I just want to know that I can get through this. I know there are others who have been in my shoes......please let me hear from you.....right now I am feeling this is impossible........remind me that it can be done.........remind me that I can do it............I am so close to giving up AGAIN!!!! I need to hear from all you "survivors"! Thanks!

2bclean 04-25-2005 11:33 AM

Re: My first day and I am READY to give up!
 
It is SO doable. You can get through this! Get yourself to a meeting and you will find some support. NA has a meeting schedule ONLINE so you don't have to look far to find out where you need to go.

I am 50 days clean today and did it only with the help of the people and all of that good energy in the rooms.

My prayers are with you... YOU CAN DO IT!
:angel: L

MomOf4VA 04-25-2005 11:34 AM

Re: My first day and I am READY to give up!
 
I hear you loud and clear. I am sending good vibes your way. That is all I can do for you, I so wish I could do more. I am feeling so bad for you, sugar. You are not worthless, kick these stupidass drugs and give YOURSELF a chance. Call a doctor. It's the best thing you could ever do for yourself. Yesterday, I was where you are. In the throes of hideous withdrawl and HOPELESSNESS, but THERE IS HOPE! I finally made a decision to do a very hard thing. I called a Dr. who Rx's Suboxone and I got on it. Today is my very first day of it. I am having no wd's now, it took it all away. Even more important, is that I am feeling like I have started a new life. A REAL life. It can be done. YOU CAN DO IT. There are tons of people on here who know JUST what you are going through RIGHT NOW and have lived passed it and got on with a sober life. I am not telling you what to do. I am telling you what I DID. God loves you. We are here for you, no matter what you say or do. Please keep up the good work. WE ALL KNOW HOW HARD IT IS. I just said a prayer for you. Please keep posting and we'll keep replying. PROMISE!


Give It Hell
~Kim

way2nawty 04-25-2005 11:38 AM

Re: My first day and I am READY to give up!
 
Thanks L...........wow, your 50 days clean........that is awesome.....how proud you must feel of yourself. I am very sick right now......very scared.....and feeling very weak both mentally and physically. I will be honest though....just reading how successful you've been.....it gives me a little strength to keep fighting. I say "little strength" simple because right now I feel so weak, my body can not have more than :little" right now. I am so scared....but again, your reply did help. Thanks again!

way2nawty 04-25-2005 11:46 AM

Re: My first day and I am READY to give up!
 
Hey momof4va-thanks so much! About me calling a dr. Well, I am new to this area, just moved from VA-where my last dr. is-the one that will prescribe me whatever I want, and I don't know where to even turn...or what dr. to call. I know according to the rules of these posts, we can't discuss dr's-both present and past-I just dont know where i can even find one to help me. I am low income...with no money right now since its the end of the month and I have county/state insurance(if you know what I mean) I don't know even how to begin looking for a physician-thats my problem. If I had the finances, I would just go back to my VA dr. and demand sub or something that I have read good things about. Im so glad you feel so much better.......I am living for that day........just dont know how to get there, thats all! Thanks for your support...I appreciate it more than words could say!

2bclean 04-25-2005 11:47 AM

Re: My first day and I am READY to give up!
 
Hey, You are Lisa too? :-) Then WE CAN DO IT! :cool:
I know you feel crappy right now, but it does pass. I am proud of myself for the first time in a long long time, but it has not been easy. You know about that, you are living through it right now. You GO GIRL!

I dragged myself to meetings and, as I have said before, I picked up a chip instead of a drug. I have been able to do that by making NOT USING my TOP PRIORITY. I am not telling you that you have to go to a meeting, but it is definetely what I needed to get clean. I tried to stop so many times on my own and just could not stick to it. Maybe for a day or a few days, but not for any period of time, at least not without help. Today I get the help that I need and it is working miracles in my life in addition to the biggest one of keeping me clean.

We are here for you, but I do hope that you can get yourself to a meeting. You are not alone, and if this sick addict could do it, so can you! ;)

:angel: Lisa

way2nawty 04-25-2005 12:01 PM

Re: My first day and I am READY to give up!
 
Lisa............perhaps you were sent to save my soul :) I would of never guessed my "guardian angel" would have the same name as I do! :) About the meetings......you betcha I need them but I have a slight problem. Along w/my addiction, I have severe paranoia-especially being around other people. As a matter of fact, this is one thing that pain pills helped with. After I took a oxy, I wouldn't care what others thought of me......which is why I stayed on the narcotics for so long. Now, if I have none in my system, I dont know if I can sit amongst people....my paranoa leads to severe anxiety attachs......kind of like the one im having now from this hell of withdrawls I am going through. I know everybody is different Lisa, but what was it that kept you from giving in during your withdrawls?? I have 1 beautiful daughter aged 13 and 2 beautiful step daughters......yet as much as I love them, call me selfish, call me sick, call me whatever, but they are not enough to keep me from giving into this withdrawl, finding a way to get pills and being able to breath a sigh of relief(at that moment anyway) This addiction has caused me to loose several jobs, several homes, a divorce, several vehicles and I am now in debt big time. Even this is not enough to keep me clean. Although I have not taken anything today.....and although I DON'T WANT TO TAKE ANYTHING ELSE, yet I will do almost anything to END THIS HELL OF WITHDRAWL........yet at the same time, I dont want to use again...........but I feel like I am dying and I am scared...............I can barely keep my eyes open because I am so tired but I cant sleep. I hate this.............I have to conquer this but what if I get to week.......what if I give in and get pills.........what is I loose again the way its been as long as I have been addicted......wonder if my addiction beats me...........im scared.........im sick........im an addict......................but what do I do know.........I feel so worthless. I just hate myself for allowing this to happen. I could go on...but I think I have rambled enough. Thanks again Lisa for being here for me. God bless you today, tomorrow and for ever!!!! :) Lisa

2bclean 04-25-2005 12:16 PM

Re: My first day and I am READY to give up!
 
Lisa,
I know how it feels. I suffer from depression & anxiety, but I am on prozac and that helps me so that I do not have to live in fear. However, while in wd's the prozac doesn't stand a chance of helping. However, what I needed most was the support of other people who have been through what I have. As hard as it is to get to a meeting, it may just be the thing that makes the difference between picking up or not. Once I stopped using I gave the prozac a chance to work and though I do not feel highs I do not feel the roller coaster that is opiate addiction. I have a fighting chance.

These boards have helped me so much, but going to meetings made the difference when I got clean before, and I don't think I would have stuck to it like I have had I not been hitting at least a meeting a day like I am. When I stopped going to meetings it was not long before I picked up and now I am on day 50 instead of coming up on 2 years. But the past is the past and all I have for certain is TODAY! This time I am taking the suggestions that were/are made to me, because I see something I want in the people who are clean and 'working a program.' I want to get it. I want to KEEP IT! So I am doing whatever I can to do the next right thing, to act in accordance with my greater good, every day.

Lisa, I know that you are scared. I know how you feel. I have been there. Today I am winning and so are you. Keep up the good work. Keep the faith and borrow mine or someone elses if you need to get through those seemingly impossible moments. Those of us who have traveled the path are here to help you.

I have to get to work, but I check here in the PM too.

Prayers your way,
:angel: Lisa

DCV 04-25-2005 12:28 PM

Re: My first day and I am READY to give up!
 
way2nawty, at least you know what your going through. Addiction is so very predictable, and if you don't get this under control, the ultimate outcome is very predictable as well. You will end up in jail, or dead. You sure sound to me like a classic candidate for both in patient detox AND rehab. If you have already lost all of the things you mentioned, I don't think your going to be able to do much on your own, you are going to find a way to justify getting more pills. All of these "what if" scenarios you posted demonstrate to me that you know yourself and you know what to expect. You obviously can't handle it alone, so, you need help and I don't think your going to make it an entire week let alone a lifetime without pills. Pick up that telephone and call around for some help. That is my sincere advise, your allowing yourself to be defeated before you really even try.

way2nawty 04-25-2005 01:04 PM

Re: My first day and I am READY to give up!
 
Hey DCV-you know, sounds like you know me more than I do. There is one thing however.....you stated that I am allowing myself defeat before even giving it a try.............I have not given in yet.............I am asking for support on this website....and so far so good. If its this website that keeps me from using, well, whatever it takes right??? I am at a point in which I am confused and dont know where to turn. I am fighting. I am lying here crying, very sick, yet typing on this website crying out for help.........I wont say that I have given up YET!!!!!! Thanks for your post however, it gives me more reason to fight this addiction.......just to show some that I CAN! Thanks for taking the time to write me......and I appreciate all you say...whether I like it or not......its something I need to hear. Thanks! Lisa :wave: :angel:

sweetlife 04-25-2005 03:17 PM

Re: My first day and I am READY to give up!
 
way2nawty

Don't give up! You can do this..It will only get easier. I know, I've done it! Just hang in there. You are so worth it! You don't want to be a slave to pills anymore.

The way you get to feeling better is just doing what you are doing...Living minute to minute, hour to hour, taking hot baths, laying in bed if you need to, going for a walk when you feel up to it. I know about the anxiety, I had it for about 6 weeks, it makes the littlest things feel like mountains. I remember my first few days WDing, I didn't know how I was going to do laundry...People probably though I was crazy, but the smallest tasks I know seem like they will never get done. I want you to know, you can beat the anxiety, it will go away, it might take some time but you are so worth it.
Just don't give in.... Yes you too will fight it and win!

I will be off the boards for a few days, but will check back with you when I can, maybe on Thursday. Hang in there.I will SO be thinking of you and routing for you, because of this fight you are the winner. Just know that now matter how long it takes you are the winner. You decide how this will end.

Huggs
DV

walkersma 04-25-2005 03:50 PM

Re: My first day and I am READY to give up!
 
My thoughts and prayers go out to you. I am about to embark on this journey too, but I don't have the willpower to cold turkey. I'm so proud of you for making this decision. I know that you feel terrible right now - I"ve been there too and I know exactly what you are feeling, but imagine how strong you will feel when you have beaten it. This addiction is a terrible thing, and when you it is in your past, you will be so proud of yourself too! You will have done a very hard thing, perhaps the hardest thing, the BEST thing you can do for yourself.

I will be thinking of you and constantly sending up support!

jessy28 04-25-2005 04:44 PM

Re: My first day and I am READY to give up!
 
How much methadone were you on that you are trying to quit cold turkey? Here is the thing that I found with methadone....the withdrawls take longer than any pills or dope to kick in fully. Then the withdrawl it's self took me about a good 4 weeks to pull through. It was not fun but I got through it. I did not have a choice because I was in jail coming off of 200 mg a day. But even my friends that were on like 80mg took about three weeks to start feeling better. The thing is if you do not bite the bullet now and do it it will only get worse. Three weeks or four weeks is not the end of the world. It sure seems like it when someone is standing in your shoes, but think about how fast three weeks goes by. Think about how many years can slip by with out hardly noticing. As far as you trying to find a doctor locally, look on the internet. Look up methadone or sub and then just look up your area. Methadone is way cheaper. Good luck.

MomOf4VA 04-25-2005 06:41 PM

Re: My first day and I am READY to give up!
 
Here is my 2 cents. Why don't you go to the hospital and let them treat you as an in patient? They can help you with the HORRIBLE pain of withdrawls, the paranoia and the addiction. It is so hard to stop taking pills, especially CT. I know, I have tried....several times. It may not be a picnic, but can it really get any worse than it is now? And the other post was right. If you are trying to withdraw from methadone, it's going to take longer than it would a short acting narcotic, due to it's long half life. Come on girl, give yourself a chance. Call somewhere RIGHT NOW or just get in your car and go. It will be the best thing you will ever do and it may possibly save your life. You deserve so much more than living your life in misery. God loves you and lots of other people do too. Do them and yourself a huge favor and go check yourself in somewhere. I will be praying for you.



HUGS,
~Kim

NawtyNellz 04-26-2005 10:26 PM

Re: My first day and I am READY to give up!
 
Nawty,

Please go back to your previous post and at least read what I had to say

veronica........


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