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Mike_NY 05-01-2005 06:02 PM

flushed 'em

I flushed my bottle of klonopin down the toilet moments ago. I've been chipping away at it for a couple of months now. Was taking about .25 mg a day a few days a week. I've been assured by my addiction councelor that I won't have any *severe* reactions to cold turkeying it. I don't feel good from that makes me dizzy and lethargic, and has caused me MORE anxiety at this point than if I never took any of it. When your armed with the self knowledge that us recovering addicts have you feel like crap when you use a mind-altering, mood changing substance. I've been obsessing over my benzo use, and worried about WD, etc. I finally came clean today to people about this and it felt very relieving. Throwing that stuff down the toilet was one of the hardest things I have ever done! I've been hanging onto that bottle since Jan. 15th when I quit hydro and alcohol, and it's been talking to me ever's almost like the last vestige of my disease that was hanging on. It's like the work I have done since January has put the disease in a corner, and you know what can happen if you trap and animal in a corner it can get real nasty and behave out of character like that cute raccoon you may see prancing in a field. Trap him in a corner and he could become quite nasty and do what he has to to survive...that's how i feel about my's where I am at right now..i trapped my disease in a corner by working on recovery and it (the disease) got quite nasty making me anxious and moody and having the pill bottle talk to me.... the disease wants to survive in me- the host...but I flushed it down the toilet and admitted once again that I am ****ing powerless over my addiction..and with that admission of *powerlessness* and the action I took I feel EMPOWERED right now.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings....

Mike (one day clean)

NoMore4Me 05-01-2005 06:13 PM

Re: flushed 'em
Mike, you might not know it but your a very strong person, flushing the pills down the drain took courage which you now know for sure that you have, you made a great choice today.
I haven't taken a Lortab in 6 days, yes I have wd's and at times are bad but I look at it this way, one day soon I will be drug free and I will feel like a new person, I will win the fight and so will you.
The people here are GREAT and will be here for you including myself, come here often to let us know how it is going for you, most of us here are addicts and will understand you when you tell us you had a bad day just as I did today but right now I feel good again,
Try to learn from your wd's, look at the wd's in a positive way, meaning that after you get over the wd's it will make you now want to go back the the pills because you won't want to go through that crap again.
We welcome you here and will always be here for you, I see us all here as a family that doesn't know one another but know about being an addict..

God Bless You Mike

Mike_NY 05-01-2005 06:31 PM

Re: flushed 'em
Hi NoMore.

Congrats on day 6. That's fantastic. You must be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Itsa great feeling after you detox off of hydro.

I got off that poison too on Jan. 15th. I got rid of all the booze in my place, and all the hydro (I was using norco 10/325) then but I kept that bottle of klonopin around. I just couldn't get myself to flush it for months! And then of course I started chipping away at it.

Now my apt. is officially a mind altering. mood changing substance free zone. It's about time.

Yes I may feel increased anxiety and lose a few nights sleep in a couple of days, but recovery is about dealing with feelings, not self medicating and masking. So bring it on!!!!! This too shall pass.

Mike (rolls up sleeves ready to tackle whatever lies ahead)

goddessgrl65 05-02-2005 04:12 AM

Re: flushed 'em
Again-The power of example..Thanks for sharing w/ the board-
We need you strength and
Still hangin in there...
ggrl :angel:

Twinlynn 05-02-2005 07:21 AM

Re: flushed 'em

The mental "call" from drugs can be much worse than the physical. I hadn't realized the Klonipin was "playing your song" with such volume!! If your mind starts to get consumed by a drug....that is one good indicator that it needs a one-way ticket to NY's sewer system! LOL! :-)

You know, my feelings towards Klonipin (Clonazapam) are mixed. I almost never take even the tiniest dose during the day--for similar reasons that you mentioned. Lethargy, a bit of dizziness....and a rather dreary feeling in general. I've been walking around with same pill in my handbag for months and months!

However, on occasion, when my normally hyper mind get obsessively focused on something unpleasant that I can't control....I may take one-quarter of an 0.5 at night. My doctor prescribes me 15 pills a week--and they just stack up here in my apt--as I rarely use them. the neurotic I am :-) I just feel reassured knowing they're there!! (A true addict, eh?? :-)

But, for some reason.....I never think about them or obsess about them, etc. Like I would an oxy or a Vicodin. And I know that for people who suffer extreme panic attacks, these pills have helped them get back into the outside world.

The mind is so strange as to what drugs it becomes fixated on. So--your philosophy not to keep ANY of them around is probably the safest!

Well done! :-) Lynn

slowchange 05-02-2005 10:09 AM

Re: flushed 'em
Hi Mike,

Congratulations and I wish I were doing as well but I didn't do a slow withdrawal and am paying for that right now. I've been taking clonazepam for around three years. Was on about 3mg/day and went down to 1mg/day before stopping at that. Its been 7 days now and I'm on the edge really bad and am considering going back on a slower schedule. Depression and anxiety is just too overwhelming and I'm not functioning well at all.

How long had you been taking clonazepam what kind of reduction schedule did you set for yourself? I've been looking online and seen some information regarding this but prefer to hear from someone that has been doing it theirselves and not an observer.

While there may be a big difference between addiction and dependency, both are difficult. I might be guilty of addiction but at least I can visualize tapering off with this medication. Something I couldn't do with alcohol which isn't an issue at the moment.

Anyways, I'm just hanging in there and hoping for some relief. Thank you for your encouraging post. Maybe I'll be as well not too long from now.

Mike_NY 05-02-2005 10:32 AM

Re: flushed 'em
Twinn: Yes, there must be some pretty anxiety free alligators in the NYC sewers today! I flushed about 80 1mg pills down the toilet lol.

Slow: I'm not tapering. Just stopping outright. I was taking .25mg a day maybe 3 days a week for about two months. Not that much. It's day two and I feel fine. With the long half life I dont expect any rebound anxiety or insomnia to start until tomorrow night if it does at all. I may get away scot free. If I don't, well I'm ready to deal with the crankyness and insomnia. I need to fully recover. Not having that stuff talking to me today is very relieving.

Thanks all for the kind words.


toomany 05-02-2005 01:45 PM

Re: flushed 'em
Hi SlowChange,

I can empathize with you as I was on benzos for many years. I'll share my experience wth you. I used it daily for at least 5 years, my benzo was Valium. I attempted to stop taking it using an accelerated taper plan (my own) but after a week I could barely function. The worst anxiety I had ever experienced, trembling, confussion, extreme insomnia (maybe 1.5 - 2 hrs per night), hyper sensitive to sound lights etc. It was horrible. I couldn't take it any longer and started taking them again. One of the reasons I wanted off of it was that it was causing me to be depressed. Never mind going on and off the hydro and intermittant drinking. Anyway, the anxiety was under control after reinstating but I was still feeling depressed so I searched the internet for help and found a support board and a taper schedule. It took me 9-10 months to get off of about 30-40 mgs. The taper process was very managable for me. The support board was a little over the top though. The worst part was not sleeping like I was use to but I developed a new attitude toward lack of sleep and was able to get through it. I stayed off of Valium for 2 whole weeks! That was 2 years ago. I have been off all drugs for over 7 months now and feel great. I still have some anxiety and a little insomnia at times but it is managable.

I dont know if you have made it through the worst or not. I do think you have made it past the danger of seizures from discontinuing Klononpin but I'm not a dr. I would find one of the taper schedules online and take it to my dr. What ever you decide to do please see a doctor first.

Why have you decided to quit taking the K if you don't mind me asking?

Take care,

slowchange 05-02-2005 05:45 PM

Re: flushed 'em
Don't mind at all Patty,

The Klonopin was prescribed for sleeping disorder. I was given a sleep study which showed my sleep was very poor. Dr said it was restless leg but I can't really identify with the classic symptons. I had been taking Ambien for sleep prior to that which might have contributed to my poor sleeping habits. Or maybe it was taking SSRI's but for whatever reason, I started was prescribed Klonopin and took it without researching it any myself. Probably would have taken it anyway because I believed that it was the extremely short half-life of ambien that caused me problems with sleep.

But the K was a godsend with regards for my anxiety. I didn't notice it until after several days of taking it when the levels had maxed out in my blood. Without being consious that it was for anxiety as well, I realized that my anxiety was considerably better. It no doubt affected my judgement but was too relieved to care. It's hard to say if my social and economic situation would have been better for me today if I hadn't been taking it. My financial and marital problems had begun before I started taking it but it certainly might have clouded my ability to handle things better.

Can't blame the Dr since it is my responsibility to let them know if things are getting out of control, which I didn't. That, coupled with tolerance and some indications for wanting to increase dosage, running out before my prescription was due, has left me to realize the damage is more than the payoff. But it's going to be hard to believe that if anxiety corners me again. Sleeplessness wouldn't be such an issue but it is not good at all for anxiety as you already know. I'm praying that this won't happen but I've never had a great deal of success with depression or anxiety. Then again, my success on K hasn't been that great either which is clear from all that I've said already.

Thanks for the information, I'll probably be doing slow reduction. Since I don't take this for a high, it makes it easier to handle but there is still a psychological factor that all here are familiar with.

Your interest is greatly appreciated!

NoMore4Me 05-02-2005 06:02 PM

Re: flushed 'em
Isn't it a good feeling to go through a day and not take pill after pill.
I'm so excited with each passing day, I feel good about myself when I turn in for bed,
when you go through a day without drugs makes you feel like you beat the drug..

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