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Old 05-18-2005, 06:48 AM   #1
KFld
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Angry Need to vent

Well my son hasn't shown any signs of doing anything but smoking pot lately, and I thought I was o.k. with that, not o.k., but figured it's much better then other things he could be doing, but the past 2 nights he has come home really stoned and stressed at the same time. The past 2 nights he was so stoned I couldn't hardly carry on a conversation with him and he was getting annoyed with me like I was bothering him
The rule at our house is on school nights, for my daughter, all his friends need to leave by 10:00 and last night he was giving me a hard time and telling me I was ******* him off because I wouldn't leave him alone!!!! This was at 10:30 as his friends were still hanging out in the driveway and the motion light from our neighbors kept going on and off shining in his sisters bedroom when she was trying to sleep and they were talking like it was the middle of the day. I finally opened the front door and told them all to leave and he came in and said he had been trying to do that and that they wouldn't listen. I said bull, if that is the case then I guess your father will have to go out there at 10:00 each night and make them all leave or maybe nobody will be allowed here at all and you can all find somewhere else to hang out. why is it my house, no matter how many friends he has, ends up being the only one they ever hang out at. Is it maybe because nobody elses parents will allow them there???? Gee, I think I know the answer to that one.
So when they left and he came in I told him if he thinks I'm ******* him off, he's ******* me off twice as much because this is my house and my rules and if he doesn't like them he can go get his own house where he can make his own rules and decide who needs to follow them or not.
I then went to bed because I was aggrivated enough and had to get up for work this morning, but I definatley intend to address this further today. Of course this all seems to stem from the fact that he is angry and stressed the past few days that he has been taking his girlfriend on all kinds of job interviews and he made a comment about how this has become his responsibility and it's making him angry, and I said, guess what, you have allowed this to become your responsibility. He then tells me that it's responsibility because when he tells her he's not taking her she says things like, I guess I'll have to find a better boyfriend who is willing to do these things for me. I told him he's the fool who doesn't at that point say, see ya!! He knows that's not about to really happen, and she knows that all she has to do is say things like that and he'll come running.
I am trying to bite my tongue when it comes to the two of them because he is allowed to bring her to counseling tomorrow and I am trying to leave it up to the counselor to see these things and hopefully help him learn to deal better. I would love to be a fly on the wall when he witnesses this relationship He definatley needs to witness it to believe it.

GOD HELP ME!!!!!!

 
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Old 05-18-2005, 07:17 AM   #2
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Re: Need to vent

i haven't read any other posts from you, has your son had a REAL drug problem? is this why you are so uptight and strict with him? you do know that marijuana is not addictive like cocaine, heroin, oxycontin, etc?? how old is your son that you are being so stern with him? were your parents like this with you when you were his age? i'm sorry but from reading your post all that i see is a very unecessarily strict parent that is making their child probably hate them.

 
Old 05-18-2005, 08:49 AM   #3
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Re: Need to vent

Perhaps you should read my other posts before you make any assumptions

 
Old 05-18-2005, 12:20 PM   #4
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Re: Need to vent

I know what you are going through is difficult. I feel that you are making good decisions. I wish I had been tougher on my son two years ago. Maybe if I had he wouldn't have become a heroin addict. But I learned my lesson. I had to completely stop his friends from coming over. He doesn't hate me for my strictness. At this point in time, he is so relieved to be off heroin that he is thankful that I got tough because he was spiraling out of control. I realize that pot is supposed to be not physically addictive. I smoked it 30 years ago in the 60's. But pot is emotionally addictive. I remember what it felt like. Your worries dissappeared and everything was good. When you stop and have to face your problems, it's just too easy to light up and forget them again. My son still has not learned to face his problems with a clear head because he still smokes. I am not sure how to handle this either. He is 4 months clean from the heroin but still smoking pot and not working. He has ulcers and as soon as he deals with that and his hernia we will see what happens next.

Everytime you write it's my son's situation all over again.. I remember the kids in the driveway and telling him they have to leave and then finally going out and yelling. Hang in there, Joan

 
Old 05-19-2005, 05:52 AM   #5
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Re: Need to vent

Hi Joan,
Thanks, I knew you would understand what I'm talking about. Last night he said something about being tired of feeling like we want him to move out and I reminded him that we do not want him to move out, we just want him to follow the rules while he lives there and if he can't then maybe he would want to get his own place where he can make his own rules.
I feel bad for you because your son still isn't working. I think that is what keeps me going in all of this is that he is responsible when it comes to working and it keeps him busy. I keep telling him he should quit his night job and just work days but he doesn't want to give that up for some reason even though he's making almost $2.00 less an hour at his night job, but I think he likes the flexibility of having some of his days and some of his nights free instead of one or the other being totally sucked up by work. Whatever works for him, as long as he's working.

Why doesn't your son work right now? Is it because of his ulcers, or he just hasn't motivated himself to do it yet?

I was talking to a friend of my husbands the other day and he was telling me about something he had to help his 40 year old son out with, I think it was letting him borrow money for a car and he hasn't paid him back yet like he was supposed to. I though, oh my god, 40!!!!!! and your still dealing with these things. That really burst my bubble because I keep thinking, or should I say praying, that I only have a few years left to worry before he becomes this responsible well adjusted adult

Anyway, my trip to the counselor with the 2 of them is this afternoon

The other day the two of them were in his room flipping out because she had left her xanax prescription in his room and some of them were missing after a few other friends were over. GREAT!!!!! I told him if she has any kind of prescription that she needs to take daily that I don't want it in my house and she needs to leave it and take it at her grandmothers. I have a feeling she probably took it herself???? She hasn't been going to any NA meetings as far as I know and her outpatient program doesn't start until next Wednesday.

My son has told me many times that smoking pot relieves his stress and I can see the more off the wall she is the more he smokes.

I'll let you know how the counseling goes

 
Old 05-19-2005, 07:10 AM   #6
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Re: Need to vent

Oh, I hear you guys loud and clear.

I had the some problems when my son was younger (all his teenage buddies in my house.)So many fights. And, I really think I gave in too often. I had that niggling in my stomach to do tough-love but it was so hard.

We didn't really take a stand with him till his early twenties and the bad part was..........by then he had lots of girlfriends.

So responsibility and adjustment doesn't come with age, necessarily. My son is 32 and I can't count how many jobs he's had in the last few years. He's very good at his trade so even former employers will take him back, thinking maybe he's "clean" this time. When one girlfriend gets totally fed up with his behavior, he just moves in with another. The sad part is, he doesn't own a thing. He's lost so much stuff putting it into storage, then never getting it out.

My other son and I have considered an intervention, but it works so much better when they have no place left to turn. When they're living with Mom and Dad. Our son just jumps from one girlfriend to another and always has someone who will "enable" and help him stay addicted.

It is the saddest thing. It just breaks my heart because I love him so much.

You guys hang in there! Support them all you can and keep up the tough-love! I wish I had done it sooner.

Sandy
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Old 05-19-2005, 07:54 AM   #7
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Re: Need to vent

Now I just received a call from the principal at his highschool asking me how he's doing because he had heard a few things through the grapevine????
My son attended an alternative education highschool and finished his credits in January, so is done until graduation next month. It's a very small school, 90 students, so much doesn't happen without it getting around and he still has friends going there. I asked him what his concerns were and he said he heard heroin use and my sons name brought up in the same conversation from a student and just wanted to check in with me and see if I was aware of anything. I told him what we have been going through the past month or so and the actions we have taken, so he was relieved to hear we were on top of it and hopes it's just past rumors going around, or just kids talking. I told him that he is in counseling and to please feel free to pick up the phone and call me if he hears anything else that we should be concerned about because though we don't believe he's doing it now, we know he was and we are keeping our ears and eyes open all the time to make sure were not missing anything.
Why do I now have a knot in my stomach
I will be sure to tell my son about the phone call so he's aware that people are still watching and listening and things do get back to me.

 
Old 05-19-2005, 08:34 AM   #8
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Re: Need to vent

Hi Kfld. I was a teenage pothead (actually carried on into my early 20's) so i know alittle about this. First off, i can't say he isn't doing anything more seriuos for sure but i can tell you that pot smoking made me real irritable. Teenagers have alot of stress (oposite sex, school, fitting in) and they tend to take it out on their parents. The reason is they know you will still love them even after they act like an ***. My parents thought i was a real brat as a teen but as i got older i realized that friends are flighty and parents are the rock in the storm that is always there for you.

By the time i was 25 i had a great relationship with the folks and appreciated them more than words can say. If you keep the faith, he will come around and some day cherish you like the great mother you are. Keep your eye out for symptoms of other drug use as this is never a good path but also keep in mind that he will knock off the pot smoking when he is sick of it and not a second sooner. I think it's a good thing for you to stay on him about it (thats what a caring mother does) but people get their act together for themselves and then realize whats really important. Just hang in there and never let him forget your unconditional love. Best of luck with everything

 
Old 05-19-2005, 08:48 AM   #9
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Re: Need to vent

Kfld,

My son doesn't work because supposedly his stomach hurts too much. He had 7 ulcers last year and a hernia and he says both are back. He is having tests done in early June for both.

My son and his grilfriend used to have fights over all the misssing pills everyday. There was always some pill missing or some money or something. I am glad that's over because my son is finally off all his medication. And we have no one over so if she ends up with missing pills it's her own fault.

If my son doens't get a job soon we will both go crazy. Talk to you later, WORK is calling, Joan

 
Old 05-19-2005, 09:37 AM   #10
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Re: Need to vent

Joan, I hope for your sake the tests come back and tell you there is no reason for him not to be working. Atleast then you can give him a kick in the but and tell him to get a job. That would drive me nuts also!!! Here I am praising my son for working so hard and I just got off the phone with my husband who told me he only worked 2 hours this morning and left because he said he had a stomach ache and I'm sitting here adding up his hours between both jobs for this week so far and he only worked around 23 hours between the two of them. He did the same thing last week, so now I need to give him a kick in the but and let him know that he's out of school and it's time for the real world.

Talvanni,
I was a big pot smoker in my younger days also, so was my husband and fortunatley we both matured and grew out of it. I can only hope this happens with my son someday soon, but unfortunatley the group he hangs out with all seem to be getting into bigger drug addictions and with his girlfriend being an addict I feel I'm always on my toes to make sure I don't miss him getting into anything heavier. I remember being totally freaked out when I first realized he was smoking pot and after awhile with all these things kids are getting into, I started thinking that if that is all he ever does I don't have a problem with it, and I guess I still don't as long as that IS all he is doing. I also hung with a group of friends who all experimented with other things and I guess I was lucky enough to be to much of a chicken to do anything else, so I sat back and watched. I always hoped that would be the same story for my son, but I think that is very rear for one person in a group to do. My brother is a recovering alcoholic and I watched my closest friend become a coke addict and eventually recover from it and I hope I don't ever have to watch my son go through either. I have to believe that I'm not just being overly strict, paranoid, or just a pain in the ***, but I feel if he does get into some kind of trouble and I missed it, then I haven't done my job as his mother. Not to say that people who don't see this happening haven't done their job as a parent, I just consider myself lucky enough to be aware that this could be happening at this time in his life, so if I miss it now, then it's my own fault.

 
Old 05-20-2005, 06:30 AM   #11
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Re: Need to vent

Well my son and his gf went to counseling together yesterday and the counselor called me in to give me some feedback afterwards. He said meeting his gf for the first time was interesting and that he imagines from what my son has told her that she was much calmer then normal since it was her first time there. He said he gave them some feedback at the end and told them that they have many issues they need to overcome and work through if their relationship has any chance of working. I asked him if he thought Sarah was being honest about how she's doing with her drug addictions and if he thinks she really isn't doing anything right now and he said she talks a good game, but time will tell. He said he gave them some things to think about, like what they are expecting from this relationship in the future and where they see it going. He knew my son was very untrusting of her and learned yesterday that niether one of them trust each other out of their sight for 5 minutes. They are both just as posessive of each other to the point of being rediculous. He said she's welcome to come with him again next week, but if she starts comeing all the time he will make sure to ask her to leave the room for a period of time so he can have his own time with him. I just hope the two of them reflect on things during the week between visits and actually get something out of this because I think he's really good.

 
Old 05-20-2005, 08:27 AM   #12
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Re: Need to vent

KFld,


Again, just like your son, my son and his girlfriend have a very untrusting relationship also. He has decided that on Thursdays he wants to go to the local bar and play pool and hang out with the guys. One night a week is all he asks her for. He doesn't even drink. She calls him late last night and tells him that if he doesn't meet up with her right then and there she will break up with him. He decided to not meet her because he wanted to go fishing. He will fish in the middle of the night quite often if the fish are biting. Fishing is his passion. He was up all night and came home this morning telling me he is going to have hell to pay because he didn't meet up with her. He has always fished in the night but now he needs permission from her?

What kind of a relationship is that. It sounds like your son goes through the same thing. I wish my son and his girl would go to counseling like yours is. Back to work. Joan

Last edited by joanharvest; 05-20-2005 at 08:27 AM.

 
Old 05-20-2005, 10:22 AM   #13
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Re: Need to vent

It's a rediculous relationship as far as I'm concerned. I guess I have to remember the age though. I met my husband when I was 16 and I can remember the days where if he went out without me I didn't know how I was going to make it through the day
Atleast your son will go out and fish by himself. She even goes with him to do that. The only thing they do without each other is work and I think he's on his cell phone half the time he's doing that.
On the way home from counseling last night she got a call from a friend of hers and she said she was going to hang out with her last night and asked my son what he was going to do. He said, follow you!!!! He said it like he was kidding, but I know they went out together to meet this friend last night, so he really wasn't kidding. I just hope the stuff the counseling is giving them to think about is really being thought about and not just going in one ear and out the other. I guess it all depends on if he's telling them things they want to hear, or not????
I guess there isn't much either one of us can do, but sit back, bite our tongues and hope that they actually have a normal healthy relationship with somebody someday

 
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