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It's pretty much over, finally!

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Old 05-22-2005, 04:11 PM   #1
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 1,185
Banker HB User
It's pretty much over, finally!

I wanted to thank everyone for helping me through this. I have been off of Sub for quite a while (four weeks maybe? I've heard it's unhealthy to count days because you, or at least I would dwell on it) I read that on here some time ago but I believe it. Anyway, I'm not proud to say that as I believe I told you guys (or didn't because I typed the post and then PC locked up) but I actually used other meds to help me come off of Sub. I was bound and determined to come off and thankfully, I couldn't really feel a 'high' from what I took. I alternated between two things for a few days each so that I wouldn't be tremendously dependant on either but finally, and I do mean finally, I drew a line in the sand and said NO MORE! Plus it was a good weekend, if you know what I mean. No responsibilities.

But what's really, really odd is that other than in the beginning of the week, I haven't experienced (by the way, beginning of the week, ran out of things and had to suffer for a day or so) which i was anticipating this weekend but I actually called a friend last night and we went out dancing. What is up with that? Seriously, did I actually taper off of my 'potential' doc that got me on Sub in the first place successfully so that my wds were minimal? I keep thinking it's going to hit Monday or Tues where I'll have to be at the best of my game (actually, that needs to be always, now) But other than feeling not as energetic and somewhat lightheaded when I stand up quickly (I haven't eaten much AT ALL - just because I'm not hungry and I can't force myself to eat). I feel like if I did, I'd prob have mild stomach upsets but otherwise, I believe I can function.

Lots to tell you guys about how I feel now that I don't have anything in my system. I actually am remembering my dreams now and they are amazing. Some are extremely wonderful. I dreamed I was in a huge mansion dancing w/Catherine Zeta Jones all over the house to a really neat, very 'freedomish' song. Both of us just running around that beautiful place dancing away. That was the first dream I remember.

I also have other dreams that aren't so great ---- dreams about things that probably drove me to take pills in the first place. Things I was denying, wanting to cover up the pain with pills. It's like i've experienced an awakening. The Sub really (and prob the high dose) really had me in a fog. When I started it, my mind was clear, my world changed and things were amazing. But then i got extremely complacent and had a mindset of that things would work themselves out. Maybe it wasn't sub... maybe it was just me but wow how I'm seeing things now.... And I have already made plans for how (and actually acted on them, thanks to my ADD meds) I'm going to improve my life. No boyfriends for now... Just focusing on me and my family.

I'm sleeping very well... no more 3 hour nights (even while on Sub) but I'm back to needing my 8 and 1/2 hours... which is good but not enough hours in the day.

Sub is a very odd drug, although I had to take it and take it for as long as I did. I needed the 'control freak' to jump start me, or kind of give me a wake up call that I wasn't acting as though I was really in the world. I wake up in the a.m.s now and look around for my 4 or 5 meds I used to take..... It's just not like that anymore.

I'm not saying things are absolutely wonderful. I'd say I need another two weeks or so... But for whatever reason, I have a very positive attitude and feel like, (know) that this is it. I'm back. I've lost about 10 lbs within the last week... already wearing one size smaller.... my body knows where my weight is supposed to be and I think that's why food makes me kind of sick thinking about it.

I'm completely different. But in a way that I'm happy with. I'm clear minded and obviously, I wasn't 100% before. Again, if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't change anything. I'd still get on it. I had to do something to stop chasing the high because I couldn't stop myself.

Now, here's the biggest piece of all. Well, two of them. Why in the world am I not craving? Why am I not sicker? Again, still feeling about 80%, but still.... I'm amazed and worried that there is yet to come re: the sickness. But there really shouldn't be. Very weird. I've been truly blessed. But maybe I feel good regarding losing a little weight that I'm getting some kind of high from that? I mean, it has been a year and a half.

Also, I just want to add that I would NOT recommend taking other things to get you through this. I was playing with fire doing so. Please consider that the odds are you will be wasting all of the time you took Sub because the odds are against you. Please know that!!

Last but not least, aren't my receptors screwed up? Why am I not DYING for some relief? Why is my brain not telling me that if I can't find some type of pain med to take, then it will die?

Was my counselor right when she said I was 'self medicating' for ADD when I became addicted and my ADD meds are satisfying that need those receptors are searching for? It's all very odd but again, I just thank God that he helped get me through this. I begged everyone over the last month to pray, pray, pray. God has taken care of me more than anything during this and I know that it's not over.... I'm not stupid, but I feel like having a really positive attitude will go a long way.

Sorry this is so long but can someone please tell me how they exercise during this? I need to, but I feel like if i did, i could very well pass out from a lack of energy. Went to the store yesterday and my normal, anxiety is back.... This used to be a pretty big fear but I kept thinking 'what if I pass out'? Nobody will know the difference. But I only got just a few things and while I was o.k there, when I got home, I was exhausted!!!

If you do pray, please pray that I'll be back soon.... and I mean all of the way back. If I can make it another week or two, I know from the bottom of my heart that I can make it.

Again, i'm sorry this is so long.... but I had to talk to you guys. I've missed you and I want so desperately to know how everyone is.

Please write and tell me what's going on? And my little sweetie is still so sweet.

Thank you for your kind words and for your support. Please let me know how you are and what's been going on!!

How is Rosie? Michelle, Sis, everyone? Pls keep me posted.

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Old 05-23-2005, 05:30 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 762
goddessgrl65 HB User
Re: It's pretty much over, finally!

OMG...this is great am so proud of you..i am so scared right now..cos this is the week..i took my sub this am-but im skipping tommorow...
so no sub..for 4 weeks..wowx3...lady..iam bowled over w/ glee for you!
And you sound positive etc..
I want out too-one day-the next im ambivelant..oh the addict dilemma..
i am also ADD-and now prescribed adderall-10 mgs..haven't started yet..
Do you still take the benzos..this is my main fear-coming off benzos-i don't have too-right now-but i feel like i should get off everything..
And the weight is coming off-you are doing amazing..yay!!!!
You are absoulutely in my prayers-please...keep in touch-i need you..need your input.
You made my day..your inspiration...
Goddess bless..

Old 05-23-2005, 06:49 AM   #3
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 95
agentalias HB User
Re: It's pretty much over, finally!

Wow! four weeks is amazing! You are doing so great. You should be so proud of yourself. I know it has been very hard for you in the last couple of years. You deserve the best.

Take care!

Last edited by agentalias; 05-23-2005 at 06:50 AM.

Old 05-23-2005, 07:48 AM   #4
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 1,031
Twinlynn HB User
Talking Re: It's pretty much over, finally!


You sound just wonderful. know what? Even if you have occasional days when you face the "two steps step backward" syndrome--you have still reached the top of your own personal Everest! :-) And, I think you now have the mental and physical strength to see the overall picture and not be discouraged if you should have an occasional set-back. You know that every day won't be a "great" one....but you are now so far "up" that mountain!

Every single one of us reaches our goal differently. There is no "one way" to recover. So, you should never feel you have to explain the route you chose. I've been following your story (and you! :-) for so long now.....and I just cannot tell you how happy I am to read your message. I think of all you've gone through the last few years and how much you deserve every last bit of peace and happiness! :-)

And, of course, I am THRILLED about your weight loss--'cause I know that was just killing you! If you've been a very slim person all your is very hard to see your body image change.

You will probably never know for sure exactly which drugs caused which reactions, changes, etc in you emotionally and physically. Our mind and our bodies are constantly being bombarded in that it's almost impossible to be sure 'what' causes 'what'!! But I just know that all the hard work you have done to understand and to learn about yourself has put you on the right road. And this will help you feel at peace with yourself. :-)

As for me....all is fine. And, I'm very happy to say that my mind has not felt clouded or fogged in any way with the Sub. It just feels like it used to! When something good happens...I'm happy....and when something bad happens.....I'm crazy! LOLOLOL!! :-)

Please keep writing and sharing both your good days and your bad. I think about you and your kids so often. And I know that all your old pals here do, as well. You've helped "kick-start" so many of us here towards a better life. :-)

Be well...stay welll. Look forward to hearing from you. With love from Lynn :-) xxx

Last edited by Twinlynn; 05-23-2005 at 08:31 AM.

Old 05-23-2005, 08:23 AM   #5
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 340
Re: It's pretty much over, finally!

Banker, well done. You've been here for a long time. I vividly remember when I was in the throes of full blown addiction and I didn't know what to do, you were always there; a voice of reason in my world of madness. So, way to go, this is what you've been waiting for, seems that you are one step ahead of me in dealing with these issues and I've always put a lot of stock in what you have had to say. I'm very interested in what you will be dealing with over the course of the near future because I'm not far behind. I'm still on 24mgs of sub per day. But I forgot to take it this morning and I'm not too tweeked out over it. So, I'll just take my normal dose tomorrow, I will not double up, and so far, I feel okay. Please post now and then on how you are doing, I will be keenly interested and I'll be sending you the power as you deal with the hardest part of coming clean and staying clean. Don't freak out if you relapse a bit okay? I'm not giving you an excuse to do it, I'm just saying that its normal. If you do cave in and take something, just chalk it up to experience and keep on going.

Proud of you, stay the course. Keep in touch.

Old 05-23-2005, 09:47 AM   #6
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 217
mrgrateful HB User
Re: It's pretty much over, finally!

Banker......A huge congratulations is in order!! You did it, you beat the devil. I am in roughly the same boat as you......sub taper.....helper meds.......nothing.....could not feel better about myself!! You mentioned exercise, I am a bit of an exercise junkie (lol) so for me it wasn't that hard, but I did skip a whole week while comong off the sub, I pushed myself the second week and I'm glad I did because I think it sped up the recovery I have to watch my diet......I like ice cream and pizza too I have a "cheat" day........anyway back to you, all I can say is that I'm happy for you and I hope you keep us all posted as to your success....JT

Old 05-23-2005, 10:41 AM   #7
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 372
Best Friend HB User
Re: It's pretty much over, finally!

Banker! Will try and write more later, but just wanted to say that you sound great! Keep thinking positively and try and enjoy your progress. We are all so different chemically, but you seem to have found what is 'right' for YOU. Thanks so much for coming back and cheering us all on. Big hugs, VP!!!!!!!!

Old 05-23-2005, 01:15 PM   #8
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 1,185
Banker HB User
Re: It's pretty much over, finally!

Thanks to everyone. I think you made a good point... I believe what had me so clouded was the combination of benzos and Sub together, at the very high dose I was on. Yes, i am still taking the benzos and probably couldn't have survived thus far. I'm with you Gggirl on getting off of those because I just hate having to rely on my doc for my well being. However, I would get on Adderall soon because it helps and has helped me tremendously. But doesn't give me a high AT ALL!!

Now that being said, I was taking so many different pills to help me with some of the side effects of Sub. That is why I only am taking Adderall, xanax and zoloft. The Adderall definitely helps... I know it does.

It's tough and I'm still feeling weird... At least I ate something today. But my anxiety is extremely high today. I've basically had NO caffeine because of it. I'm just waiting on the headache to hit but my caffeine intake was WAY too high.

Anyway, again --- for those on Sub, I wouldn't change a thing I did. Nothing!!! It saved my life. Now, let's just see what's in store for me now :-)

And thanks again to everyone. Trust me, I'll try my best to be here as much as possible... probably more now than ever!! Encouraging people that if they are feeling helpless about their addiction, to at least check Sub out and see if it's right for them. It saved my life!!

Old 05-23-2005, 06:03 PM   #9
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 1,185
Banker HB User
Re: It's pretty much over, finally!

Hey guys, another thing (told you guys I'd be here more now without Mr. OCD around) but tell me, when exactly did these days become so long? Why is it that at 5:30, I didn't think I could continue? Why did I feel like I had been awake for 24 hours?

When did our days get so long? And why is it that I feel about 25 years older than I really am? Thanks again for your help and advice. And I definitely need more info on the exercise and what it will do for me and why... and how soon?

Old 05-24-2005, 05:50 AM   #10
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 762
goddessgrl65 HB User
Re: It's pretty much over, finally!

Hey good to hear from you..Mr.OCD..LOLLOL!!!!
You don't need
Im so proud of you..i really am..we have gone thru all this stuff together..discussing/etc..since day 1..what a rollercoaster..huh?
But there is so much ahead... were in my dream last night-and here you are today..
how are you?Whats happening w/ you..are you ok?
i can't remember the dream-but i got up the morning..and you were on my mind-post dream..

Mr.G-How ya doing brother????Im am so proud of you too-
This is great news for us-sub-folks...
Peace to all-

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