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jackilovesscott 05-23-2005 08:52 AM

Need advice please! My BF is trying to come off vicodin
 
Hi everyone,

I need to ask some of you for your help and insight because I am new to this. I am not the person who is addicted, I am the girlfriend of the person who is. My boyfriend of 5 months just trusted me last month with this secret of his that heís been hiding for over 3 years now. Heís addicted to vicodin. Heís never told ANYONE. I felt honored and wonderful that he felt comfortable enough to tell me and trust me with it, and I am determined to do anything I need to do to help him. Well, his doctor put him on something to help with the withdrawal symptoms (I donít know the name of it). Itís been a month now, and heís been acting so differently toward me, and I just want to know from some of you who have experience with this what I should expect. In the beginning I was very secure in our relationship and how he felt about me. We talked about things like moving away together, getting married, etc. Just a few weeks ago he asked if I would go look at houses with him. Last weekend he dug up a big piece of his nice backyard grass and put topsoil down just so I could have a garden because he knew I always wanted one. Well, One question I have is do these meds affect your libido? Because he hasnít been into doing anything for over a month (about the time since all this started). Also, this past weekend he started acting very strange. He said to me thereís no surprise in our relationship, itís expected that we hang out, we went to fast, and we should both have space to ďrefreshĒ our relationship. These donít sound like things someone would say who just asked me to look at houses and just made me a garden and gave me a key to his house. Very weird. I asked him if thereís someone else involved, or if he wants to break up or see other people, and all he keeps saying is the same thing: ďno! honey, I love you! Youíre my girlfriend!Ē I might also add that he owns his own business and is trying to work and stay afloat while trying to kick his addiction. I know this is tough on him, and Iím willing to do what I have to to help him, but like I said, I have no experience when it comes to this, so could someone whoís been there please help. I know when he met me he was hooked on the vicodin, but could he change so drastically that he be a COMPLETELY different person and not want to be in this anymore at all?? What do I do? He says nothing is wrong and we just need space but it just seems weird and contradictory, thatís allÖ

mrgrateful 05-23-2005 09:39 AM

Re: Need advice please! My BF is trying to come off vicodin
 
I could probably be more helpful if I knew what the Doc gave him to help him off the vicodin, and if he is in fact off of it. I too have my own business, a very loving and understanding wife. I am off opiate a little over a month now, I am still having trouble putting the "pieces" in order, everyday I am struggling with this new clean life, I am little more easily stressed out, I am still a little unsure of myself, I feel uneasy at times, but I gain strength from the fact that I have beaten away a very powerful demon, and that God is good.......I still feel like a need time to sort a whole host of things out.....but slowly but surely, I'm doing it.......did I help shed any light on you and your bfs situation?.......let me know.....JT

jackilovesscott 05-23-2005 09:53 AM

Re: Need advice please! My BF is trying to come off vicodin
 
Hi,

Thanks for your reply. I think it's that sub-something-or-other stuff I keep reading about. I know he puts it under his tongue. I'm just curious if being completely clean could change you so much that you're a totally different person. Unsure about your career/relationship choices, etc. Could you love someone on pills and not love them off?? Should I hang in and try to be supportive? because I love him very very much and know that he is a quality person. Even before I knew about the addiction. I still think so. When he confided in me I told him I dont love him any less and that i'd be there for him. He says he needs space. It's scaring me. What do I do? How do I help? Or do I??? Maybe he's drifting away??

dwp512 05-23-2005 10:23 AM

Re: Need advice please! My BF is trying to come off vicodin
 
Hi,

This will take time. If he's clean...for the first time in a long time, then he is finding out who he is and what's important to him...besides the drugs, which like many of us ruled our lives. He will have to learn how to live a 'clean' life...just like JT said and it's a daily lesson. I wish I could be more helpful, but my advice is to let him work this out. Don't take it personally...quitting the drugs is just the first step. He/we are all figuring this out as we go.

dp

Hollyday 05-23-2005 11:55 AM

Re: Need advice please! My BF is trying to come off vicodin
 
[COLOR=Indigo]Errr, yes, from experience, I have seen couples go through some drastic changes after one of them gets clean. Your bf DID have a completely different personality on the vikes (and that's who you fell in love with)!!!. Being off of them will give him an opportunity to find out WHO he really is. It will be a confusing time for both of you as he explores how he really feels about things. It's so great that you are supporting him! :D

My husband's best friend was addicted to cocaine and we never knew it. But we supported him through rehab and were always there for him whenever he needed us. There were a lot of ups and downs in our friendship :rolleyes:. There were times when he was such an *** I just couldn't stand to be around him (and this was my favorite friend of hubby's)! He was very confused about who he was supposed to be and for awhile we weren't even sure if his "real" personality would be one we would want to be friends with. But it is all part of the process and he looks back on that time now and shakes his head sheepishly ;) He has apologized for some of the insults he threw and appreciates us now more than EVER for being among the FEW FRIENDS that stuck by him. :angel:

Your honey will have a bumpy road - it won't always be smooth sailng. And you might think, "well, he's past the w/d part of it, why is he being so irritable?" but that is because he is literally finding himself. He won't be able to give you as much attention as he had in the past because he really needs to focus on himself - and he may need some extra time alone. He may seem selfish to you at some points, but that's how he needs to be right now. Once he's completed a long stretch of sobriety and is at a better place emotionally, he will remember and appreciate the person who stood by him. :)

Fasten your seatbelt for a wild ride! And good luck, as always [/COLOR]
:angel: :angel: :angel:

jackilovesscott 05-23-2005 12:14 PM

Re: Need advice please! My BF is trying to come off vicodin
 
Thanks everyone for your support and advice.

He said something that really hurt me on friday. And not even in a mean way because one thing about my BF is that he practically NEVER gets mad or angry (or atleast he doesn't show it and just always stays calm). I confronted him about the fact that he's had no sex drive for over a month now. Finally he said "i'm sorry, but i'm just not as attracted to you as I was in the beginning right now".. He went on to blame the meds and say that he hasn't felt like himself and he's sorry but he doesn't have all the answers. Is this a common thing for someone going through this??? It's weird. He loves to cuddle up and relax and watch movies, etc. but as for anything else? Forget it. And i'll also add that he's been having these up-and-down days of feeling sick to his stomach and feeling fine literally from hour to hour it'll be different. Cold sweats, stomach problems, lots of headaches, etc. Very bad candy cravings too I noticed and he was never into candy like this. I mean like running to 7-11 at night to get a bunch of chocolate bars..

dwp512 05-23-2005 03:46 PM

Re: Need advice please! My BF is trying to come off vicodin
 
My sex drive improved considerably after a few weeks of being off drugs, but if your bf is sick, cranky and/or having various cravings, then having sex is probably not real important to him.

I was so moody it was ridiculous...I mean insanely moody. I'd cry over a kleenix commercial...then get really mad at myself for doing it. That gets better...but not overnight and not necessarily when you want it to.

Its a hard process...for you both, but again...it is going to take time. I never did the sub thing, but it could be that he has to adjust the dosage to stablize. Just a thought...

jackilovesscott 05-24-2005 10:01 AM

Re: Need advice please! My BF is trying to come off vicodin
 
BTW- In case it helps, I found out that the medicine he is on now to help with the withdrawal is suboxone. He is 2 pills in the morning, 2 in the afternoon, and 2 at night, and he's starting to taper off taking one pill off each week. I believe he's on a total of 12mg? Not sure though.

Nervous Nellie 05-24-2005 10:46 AM

Re: Need advice please! My BF is trying to come off vicodin
 
Oh Jacki, sweetheart...I feel so bad for you.

You've received some really great insight so far from the other members of this forum and I just wanted to add my perspective as well.

This weekend I witnessed a similar situation with my 18 year old son and a girl that he apparently "loved". He met her when he was high on Ecstasy, he led her to believe he loved her, and when he came down from the drugs, he looked at her and thought, "what am I doing?"

This was a lovely, lovely attractive girl of about 17, I think and she was obviously enamoured with him. She stayed with him the weekend, but when he started to get calls and respond to other girls, she realized that his particular "love" for her, was as a result of the high he was on from the "E" and not his true feelings. Actually, he still can't have any true feelings for anyone right now, because he is so confused about himself. His drug induced "trip" also lasted about 3 years. He's not even sure of who he is himself, let alone how he could feel for someone else. He admitted this to me after this girl left...I felt sorry for him and for her. :(

Having said that, my son is just a kid of 18...so it doesn't mean that your boyfriend is in the same boat at all. This could just be a scary period for your boyfriend, because now he is examining ALL his feelings in the light of day, without the haze of the Vicodin. From what I saw with my son, it's a really, really tough ride. First he had to get over the physical withdrawls, then he had to face the even tougher emotional stuff...the stuff that makes one cry at movies or at the sight of something sad. My son's emotions were on the "edge" all the time...and still are to some degree.

You sound like a wonderful lady who is very much in love and would be willing to go to all lengths for this man, and that is a VERY good thing. :) At the same time, please don't forget about your own feelings and your own needs. You can only help him if you feel good about yourself. You need to keep yourself in a good strong place, too, and treat yourself kindly. :) His withdrawl on a romantic/sexual level could just be because he is so exhausted from fighting his own internal demons. I agree with the others that it's so early in the game to tell...but how wonderful that he wants to cuddle up with you and relax and watch movies. He obviously feels comfy with you and trusts you so much. THAT is a very good start!

Don't give up, hon. Time, time, time...that's all I can say. Let him talk, listen as much as you can...let him find himself again.

God bless and my thoughts and prayers go out to both of you.

Nellie

jackilovesscott 05-24-2005 12:05 PM

Re: Need advice please! My BF is trying to come off vicodin
 
Thank you so much everyone who has already responded to my questions. It's a tough thing, and i've just been trying to concentrate on letting him work this out for himself and just be there for him if and when he needs me. I'm trying to put myself aside just for the time being until he gets off suboxone. I'm just hoping "us" is still an "us" and there is a reason for me to have stayed and stuck in there. I'm not leaving either way, because for him to trust me with this and ask me for my support and tell me that it will be good for us in the long run, I already told him i'd be there for him and I feel it wouldn't be right to walk out on him now. Plus, for him to say something like that, and to be able to keep re-assuring me even during this rough process, something tells me that even though it feels difficult, and I do have worries about it, something tells me we may be ok in the end. I believe this guy is a keeper and that he is wonderful and worth it. He knows that. I told him so and I reassure him how good he is doing and how proud I am of him every day.

dwp512 05-24-2005 01:19 PM

Re: Need advice please! My BF is trying to come off vicodin
 
Jacki...you are awesome!

jessy28 05-24-2005 02:28 PM

Re: Need advice please! My BF is trying to come off vicodin
 
just a possibility might be either he is questioning his own libido and trying to search out some reason as to why it might have decreased besides blaming it on himself or maybe he did some drugs and is trying to withdrawl from you so he does not have to admit it to you or maybe he is just coming out of the fog. it is possible that he could come off of all that and all the sudden feel different or see things differently. but it is also possible that he might come off of it and love you even more for sticking by you. or he might even do both, first see things differently and then realize he made a mistake and loves you even more. who knows! i know i came off of all of it and totally became a completely different person and definatly saw things differently. but i also allowed the love of my life to stay in my life and we just had to start from scratch on totally different terms.

Ukonom 05-24-2005 04:11 PM

Re: Need advice please! My BF is trying to come off vicodin
 
It is very hard to say what might be going through his head. My libido comes back stronger than ever when I'm withdrawing for some crazy reason, but I also don't want to hang around people when going through it either. One thing is for sure....you deserve a huge pat on the back for hanging in there. Most people hear addiction, and run the other way. I'm also not sure what the effects of the sub might have. I only hope that it all works out in the end for you!
Ukonom

jackilovesscott 05-25-2005 06:01 AM

Re: Need advice please! My BF is trying to come off vicodin
 
So last night we "discussed" what's going on a little bit. He sent me an email that kind of laid out how he felt. He said he's trying to get used to a new way of life and trying to learn to deal with everyday tasks in a "new light" and also run his business and also have a relationship with me, and he feels a little strained for free time, so here we are giving each other a little space to take care of ourselves and responsibilities he said. He also said Itís not fun hanging out with someone when you arenít comfortable with yourself. When you are comfortable in your own life, you can bring more happiness to others. Then last night I went to my best friend's house for dinner and was there till about 10pm. He called from work while I was there, then he also called when I got home and was asleep (around 11pm). I'm starting to realize that things just might not make sense for a little while. I say this because there he was saying he can't wait for christmas to come because we met in 12/04 right before xmas, and weren't dating long enough to celebrate together and now we'll be able to. He also said his friend asked him to go to vegas for a couple of days and he said no because he already planned a vacation for me and him in january and he said he didn't forget about that. And then he said "I wish you were here cuddling up watching tv with me"... It's just confusing. Like some of you said, maybe he's just saying some things he doesn't mean at times during this, but it seems like his feelings are still staying true, no? I'm hanging in there with him. I give him credit for this.

jessy28 05-26-2005 10:02 AM

Re: Need advice please! My BF is trying to come off vicodin
 
I think he is being very honest from what it sounds like. I think he is just irritable and uncomfortable is all. Give it time. He just needs to stabalize in this new way of life.


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