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  • 1st Year of Sobriety - No relationships?

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    Old 06-01-2005, 10:54 AM   #1
    daria74's Avatar
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    daria74 HB User
    1st Year of Sobriety - No relationships?

    Hi there...
    I am on hiatus from a relationship with a recovering alchoholic who is a little over one year sober. He has gone through a lot in the past year and I and proud of him - but there are also many issues with us that dont seem to have improved at all, namely his tendancy to either be distant with me and keep almost all of our conversations pretty light & surfacy. Our pattern for the past 2 years is such - he clams up and doesnt communicate with me for too long a period of time, I get to the end of my rope and try to get him to open up by confronting the distance btw us, he gets mad & defensive, we get in a fight, I get upset, he feels guilty - and THEN he opens up! Of course that door doesnt stay open for long - as soon as things are "smoothed out" he goes back to obsessing about his work/band and basicly showing very little real interest in whats on my mind, his friends, or life in general (unless it has to do with his band). He goes to AA about 3-4 times a week, which is great, but to be honest for the latter half of the year he doesnt seem to be effected by the program like he was in the beginning. He doesnt seem to be working the steps and in ways it reminds me of a hypocritical christain going to confession & mass every sunday, thinking theyare living a christain lifestyle but not using the teachings in their own life & dealings w. others at all...

    ANYWAY....we are currently taking a "break", tho still officially together and communicating, mostly via email. Just within the past week he said he has been noticing feelings surfacing in him that he felt for some reason the relationship had been "buffering". He then explained that the program suggests you do not have romantic relationships for your 1st year of sobriety. He reassures me that it was not our relationship specificaly that caused the buffer, he would have reacted this way to any relationship. I can somewhat understand - but I would like some other oppinions on it, as there are some confusing aspects as well. Out of the 3 portions of AA (god, fellowship, service) two involve your relationships with other people. Why woulndt a relationship be the perfect place to practice these things? He just sent me an email that is helping me somewhat:

    " ' like a field newly plowed, a newly sober person must sown new seeds for his future.* stones often gather in the way, many from the past, and he/she must keep clear of these if he is too be thorough in his investigations...'
    *taking this metaphor, you can look closer at the 'rocks'.* a relationship, however good, can also keep someone from investigating certain aspects of their life.* for instance, just being in a relationship immediately hampers someones ability to learn how to deal with lonliness.* things like this can often go unchecked and underdeveloped for years, causing problems within and outside of the relationship....thats why AA advocates so strongly for a single year of sobriety."

    I guess i would just like to hear other people's experiences out there with this! Many thanks in advance!

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    Old 06-03-2005, 02:29 PM   #2
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    rosebuddy HB Userrosebuddy HB Userrosebuddy HB Userrosebuddy HB User
    Re: 1st Year of Sobriety - No relationships?

    The suggestion is for no new relationships. Also no big changes. These are just suggestions that people have made in AA. It is not in the Big Book or 12 & 12 to leave your wife or girlfriend.

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