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togomo 06-12-2005 01:51 AM

4 am -- Someone Please Hear Me
It's me again.
It's four o'clock in the morning and I've truly hit a new low.
I was clean - c/t for 12 days. Physically, I was actually feeling better, and had vowed not to get my prescription refilled (60 pills of Lortab 7.5.) Well, today was the earliest I could've gotten this refill. Made every promise under the sun to myself to be strong, to perhaps even call the pharmacy and tell them I'm an addict.
I am a loser. I had them refilled by ten this morning.
I told myself, on the awful ride home, that I'd take them as directed (two per day.) That was 18 hours ago and I've already taken 15 tablets.
Oh God, do I need help. I can NOT go through the withdrawals again.
Someone, anyone, PLEASE tell me the truth: If I stop right now, will the w/ds be terrible (again?) I hate it that I messed up. If you didn't read my previous post, I lost my job over using (I was taking oxy 40's bought from a "friend" - along with my prescription hydros. I forgot my meds one day and lost my temper and walked off of my job.) My only brother suicided four years ago due to his oxy and norco addiction, and my parents are amazed and disgusted that I have the same problem. My husband gave me "one more chance." And that's all folks, here I am and I BLEW it big time.
I am shocked at how I've let myself down. When I got home, I took four pills. It didn't feel as euphoric as I'd hoped - all sweaty and way too talkative and a little nervous. So I took four more. And there I was - in this stupid-talking-too-much-fake-excitement-tons-of-fun mood that both thrilled me and made me sick at the same time.
I don't understand why I'm so weak. I was thinking, "Oh my God, it's true - I AM happier on these things!" I didn't think about the inevitable, which is running out of pills. Told myself I'd just fake another injury and get more. And here I am, unable to sleep at four thirty in the morning. The family will be getting up in four hours to get ready for church. Of course, I won't be going - because I'm not a normal mother but a drug addict who has, yes ladies and gentlemen, she's FAILED AGAIN!
I am scared to death, my friends who have been good enough to read this.
If anyone has any ideas - I'd even welcome bad ideas at this point - as to what I can do to help myself, please respond. I feel completely powerless over these pills. The things I do and feel and think when I'm on them aren't normal - they're stupid. The look on my husband's face when he realized I was taking them again is haunting me so that my gut is wrenching.
Oh man, I'm in trouble.
How painful it is to write these words. I don't even know you guys personally, yet I'm speaking from the heart and need you to know how important it is for me to get some support right now. Please, someone tell me what to do, as I am truly lost.
I really thought I was headed in the right direction. Beginning to have energy again without oxy or hydro, and so proud of myself for it. Man, I really thought I was something! Well, won'tcha look at me now. I sicken myself. I cannot even look into a mirror, for the person there so disgusts me.
I am so sorry to dump on you like this. I honestly have nowhere else to turn, and fear is washing over me in waves.
Any words you can write will be appreciated more than you could know. I am holding onto this board like a lifesaver, and I'm downing in this sea of hopelessness and despair. Oh man oh man oh man.
Has ANYone out there felt this way? Please let me know. It's important.
Even my own words disgust me. Will close now and pray that you write.

bent_halo 06-12-2005 02:04 AM

Re: 4 am -- Someone Please Hear Me

It's OK....good lord girl, I have quit these pills a hundred times, everytime, was the absolute LAST!!!, I have SO been where you are....determined NOT to pick up that refill, NOT to call the Dr and fein it one more time....If my Dr hadn't absolutely cut me off, I would still be there...

PLEASE, don't beat yourself up, we have ALL been in your shoes, we have ALL walked that mile.

I know better than to tell you..."well just go flush the rest and try again"...I know I couldn't do that....My W/D are basiclly over and if I had your script here in front of me right now, I'd be doing the same thing you are...

Hang in there your best to taper useing the pills you have left, there are several good tapers on this board...NO ONE is going to hate you, NO ONE is going to beat you up more than you are beating yourself up right now...we are ALL here for you and will continue to be.

Angel :angel:

P00hbear 06-12-2005 02:13 AM

Re: 4 am -- Someone Please Hear Me
Hi, I know there are very few people on the boards at this time in the morning but I happen to have insomnia so I wanted to write to try to encourage you though I will admit I do not have the same problem. First, I think the fact that you are aware you have a problem is a very important step, maybe the hardest step. You are afraid of your withdrawals from the pills, but which is worse, feeling the way you do now or suffering the withdrawals? To me it seems like feeling as you described is worse. It also seems dangerous to be taking that many pills. Is there any way at all that you can get into some sort of a rehab program where they help you through the withdrawal stage so they are there if anything happens and so you are not trying to go through it alone? Anyone else who can help? What if you threw out the pills?

What is causing you to be afraid of not having the pills - how is your life normally? Possibly also talk to someone about how to deal with life when you do not have the pills. I am sure once you get through the withdrawals no one has taught you the new way of dealing with life situations without them and you need that support as well.

I wish that I was more help but I am not sure what else to do, it seemed you needed some encouragement and to know someone else was awake and reading the boards at this time....

I'll check back in a bit to see how you are, but will probably try to go to bed soon. It's hard to be up late with no one to talk to, I know especially when you are scared and suffering. Try to hang in there, I am saying some prayers now.....

togomo 06-12-2005 02:53 AM

Re: 4 am -- Someone Please Hear Me
5:40 a.m.
Angel (what a suitable name!) thank you so much for those words. I have read and re-read them several times, thinking perhaps they will truly sink in if I wish that to be.
Oh bless you for saying I might still have a chance. Your honesty is EXACTLY what I needed, please know that. To the other poster to my letter, I thank you for writing. But to be honest, flushing is not an option, as Angel so bravely pointed out. I've read posts where people did just that, but they are far stronger than I, apparently. Please don't think I just "don't want to quit badly enough" for - oh believe me - I want to quit SO badly.
This is the craziness: I asked myself, "Would you rather be completely free of this terrible addiction, or win a hundred thousand dollars?" And the truth of it is that I'd rather be free - like having never taken this drug - than rich. (If I DID win $100,000 I would just spend it on oxys/hydros from the street and likely wind up overdosing.)
I am realizing the terrible reality that is the extent of my addiction, and it is scaring me to death.
Angel, I am clinging to your words. Although I'd truly felt that NOBODY could've ever been this low, I need to believe that someone has survived this version of Hell. I keep praying to God to help me, but have a nagging feeling that He too has washed his hands of me. I was doing SO well during my 12 clean days and telling myself that I wouldn't take the pills even if I had them. Then the very minute I can, I run down there and get them filled like a pig going to his trough. And that's the way I feel - I imagine myself as one would a 600lb woman burying her face into a bowl of pure fat - the most sickening picture I can conjure. Only my addiction is even more disgusting, for I'm an addict burying my mind in a vat of these seven point five milligram nightmares.
I think of my brother Steven, and across my mind flashes the coroner's pictures, of what oxycontin and hydrocodone can make you do, with the help of a shotgun. And I understand him more than I ever knew I could. Steven wasn't so different than me; it all began with the love of the buzz.
I am praying so hard, and looking at this (shrinking) bottle of pills with such contempt. Yet I am powerless to throw them out. If my house were to catch fire, I've no doubt that that bottle would be the first thing I'd grab to take out with me.
My own honesty is making me sick; I hope it's not making you sick as well, for I need - so desperately - to hear from anyone out there who can offer even one encouraging word.
God bless you Angel for yours; please, can you tell me what I need to tell myself - what has worked for you? Why don't I have the strength of most people on this board who are so many days clean? I thought I was a fairly intelligent person, and now I realize that I'm the weakest-minded person on here. Oh how humbling this day has been. I can't believe this is happening to me. I read the hundreds of posts before I sent my first post last week, and I just thought, "This is doable - they've done it, so can I!" But as soon as I got those pills in my greedy little hand everything changed.
Oh man, oh God; what have I done? Why can't I change?
Angel, your name suits you - please guys, anyone who can help. I've no words to express my gratitude for your support when I was doing cold turkey, and now I realize that I am even more powerless than I'd ever realized, and it is terrifying.
The sun will be coming up soon here in Tennessee but it will be a truly dark day in my house, believe that.
If anyone's thinking of replying, please do it. It matters.
--tonnie m.

scaryskimomm 06-12-2005 04:51 AM

Re: 4 am -- Someone Please Hear Me
:angel: Please dear, ask for help. Tell your husband what is going on. YOU ARE NOT WEAK AND YOU ARE NOT BAD - YOU HAVE AN ADDICTION! YOU HAVE A DISEASE. Ask for help and go get yourself into a DETOX facility as soon as possible. Stay as long as necessary - your family can live without you for a couple of months cuz they really are living without you now (been there done that). Look at how strong you are for admitting that you have a problem and you can't solve it!!! Take pride in that fact ok hon. Please get some professional help - if your transmission in your car is bad you take it to a mechanic right? Just cuz you can't fix it yourself doesnt me you are weak or bad or stupid or anything else - just means that you have a broken transmission. Same thing with addiction - maybe you can't fix it, so take yourself to somewhere that can. Think of the pride u will have and your family will have cuz you took that step. Even if you just call a detox/rehab center and talk to someone there ok? take care hon and hope that your day is a little brighter

goddessgrl65 06-12-2005 05:03 AM

Re: 4 am -- Someone Please Hear Me
Im so glad your reaching out for help-thats a good sign..
Tonnie..honey please understand-we are addicts..this is what we do-
all the best intentions..but the reality seems so grim minus the drugs-so the relapse cycle..begins.
You had 12 days..thats excellent/hard..hellish-work..coming off opiates..and unfortunately its part of recovery..each time you make the commitment to quit-you are getting closer..
You can do this if you just might need more support..
have you considered trying suboxone?
its helping many opiate addicts-find a way out of active addiction-and into recovery.
I was a heroin addict for several years..
i detoxed at least 30x..5 in patient-and c/t at home..and methadone detoxs-
At one point-i would go into the hospital-come out-and use that about feeling like i messed up..i really felt like there was no hope.
Then i got clean-finally..for 2 years..and relapsed..
Got on suboxone-and haven't touched my drug of choice..for almost 2 years again.
There is hope-there are options-id be happy to discuss this treatment further if you are interested..
ggrl :angel:

valleygurl 06-12-2005 05:37 AM

Re: 4 am -- Someone Please Hear Me
Hi Tonnie, I am here for you, as i hope you will be here for me. God i cant believe how similar our stories are. I am struggling just as you are. Same drug and probably the same i am sure i probably take more than you do. I suffer with chronic pain but at this point i am not sure the extent of it as i over medicate and then when the pills are gone the pain is so greatly intensified because of the wd's.

I too know just what you are going through as well as feeling and thinking when it comes to addiction and the loss of your brother. As i too have lost one of the most important people in my life to addiction. My best friend who was also my sister in law (we considered ourselves sisters) had struggled with addiction on and off for many years, her doc was cocaine, however she would take anything she could get as well as pills. She had given birth to her third child in May of last year, before the birth she had been struggling with mental issues as the father of her baby had been putting her through alot. ( her first 2 children belonged to my bil but he went to prison on drug charges and she hooked up with another guy) After she gave birth her addiction escalated as well as she was sufferring with postpartum depression. Last August (when her baby was just 3 months old) she committed suicide. I struggle with her death as well as i am constantly reminded every single day the impact that addiction has on lives as i am now raising her 4 and 7 year old children. But yet it isnt enough to make me stop.

I feel the disgust in myself just as you are feeling. So you see, you are not struggling every day alone, as i am struggling right along with you.

Disgusted with myself in Pa,

Done with Drugs 06-12-2005 05:57 AM

Re: 4 am -- Someone Please Hear Me
Dear ToGo,

As Angel said "we have all been there", oh my, is this ever true. I can't even count how many times I "tried" to quit. But, in retrospect, it was usually because I was out of pills, not that I truly wanted to stop.

It sounds like you have "finally" hit that point where you realize that this cannot be the pattern the rest of your life. I believe, that if, one is addicted to opiates, they will either end up in jail or dead! Neither of these options is what you want, believe me. I have experienced the first, being in jail. Late one night, I called in a fake script and was caught and put in a cell. Even that wasn't enough of a wake up call. When you finally "get it", you just do, but no one can really stop a "habit" of this magnitudea alone. You are intelligent, you have the desire to quit. Go for it!! I would tell my husband, he will be a bit disapointed, but unless he's a jerk, will want to help you.

If you have medical insurance, find out what to do to have them help you get into a detox facility. My insurance card has a special number on the back for drug problems. I don't know your situation, but make a plan NOW, TODAY!! Ask your husband to help you by perhaps making some phone calls. Because you are so motivated right now, this is the time to act and I agree with the person who suggested you get into an inpatient detox. Please do a bit of research on the detox facility, there are many different types and programs, find one that you feel you would be comfortable with. I, personally, would find one that will help you to ease acute withdrawal distress with some medication. I heard recently of a young woman going to a detox and they would not even give her a tylenol for headache. This is not right. As long as you have the pills, you will take them, we all would. All of us on these boards have been exactly where you are at one time or another. There is hope, but you cannot do it alone. This board is a godsend. Post on it as often as you want. I stay up late, others are around earlier, you can always find someone to lend you an ear, or enable you to realize that you can get better. It is very hard, everything worthwhile is. The first thing Tto do will probably be the hardest, tell your husband, NOW! Tell him you need his help, that you need to depend on him like you never have before.

If, for some reason, you cannot go to an inpatient detox, then find out what your insurance will pay for. there are outpatient programs, but I feel that when your pill taking is as uncontrolled as yours is (mine was too) that removing yourself from everything is very helpful.

Okay, please do it today, I will be checking on the board today looking forward to your taking the first step. We will all be here, praying and cheering you on.

"Big Hug" :wave:

togomo 06-12-2005 06:09 AM

Re: 4 am -- Someone Please Hear Me
Dear ggrl,
Thank you so much for your reply. I've read so much about suboxone and how it's helped so many. Can you please answer some questions I have about it?
The main thing I'm wondering is (and I'll probably ask this awkwardly; please bear with me.) Like, after day 12 I have to honestly say that my trouble staying clean wasn't a physical thing, as when I'm truthful I realize that the physical withdrawals were much better by then. And it wasn't a question of relieving pain, for I never really had pain to begin with. Instead, I was desperately craving the high that I got with pills. God how I loved that feeling of "happiness" - that energy, confidence, that feeling that somehow made me want to be smiling all the time. My sick mind feels like the pills simply made me "happier" and in a better mood. I could play with my 8-ear-old endlessly; I could happily do the thankless chores that are expected of me, and I could even endure the music that constantly blares from the bedrooms of my (three) teenage daughter's rooms. The sick truth is that I'm not in pain. I'm just too weak to turn down the buzz. (How terrible it is to admit this, ggrl - believe that.)
Does suboxone help with these feelings at all? I keep seeing sub mentioned in one success story after another, and I'm beginning to wonder how, if it doesn't give that "boost" I mean, how it's so helpful. But there must be something to it, I'm thinking. Do you still feel that, "I'm never going to be happy again" feeling that I have without pills? Or does it somehow fill in those hopeless feelings of despair brought on by no opiates?
At first, I thought suboxone was merely a painkiller that helped those with chronic pain deal with it without opiates. But now I'm looking at it again. Even though I've read so much about it, I'm having trouble understanding the difference between sub and cold turkey. (Does my question even make sense?) When I look up the "side effects" of oxy and hydro, two of those listed is "euphoria" and "false sense of well being." These are the EXACT reasons I took them. And I'm wondering how suboxone helps with the terrible craving for these feelings. That's something I've never really heard explained here.
Someone else responded to my post just now, also. They recommended I get into rehab ASAP. Wow, but I'd love to go to a "comfortable detox" like some of the ones I've found online (one called Summer House weans you from your drug of choice, and it sounds SO doable.) But my husband already gave me my "last chance." I swore to him I'd do it or die. The terrible truth is I didn't do it and I'm not ready to die. Oh God, how can such little pills do so much damage?
I guess, because I have no pain, I assumed sub was not for me. But my desperation by far outweighs my pride at this point, and I hope you can tell me how you feel on suboxone psychologically and physically when compared to the opiates. For that, "bored/lethargic/lack-of-enthusiasm/blah/never-gonna-laugh-again feeling" you get when coming off the pain meds. I'm hoping you know what I mean; this is the hardest thing to describe, I'm finding. I've never been so frightened in my life and unthinkable thoughts are going on that are as pathetic and desperate.
You know, someone said something about this being a disease not unlike other common diseases. Well, I put it that way to my husband when I went c/t nearly two weeks ago. And he said that was bull****. He was really angry when I compared it to diabetes, and he has that. He said, "You can't sit there and tell me that I chose diabetes, yet you chose to feed this "disease" so of course it grew!" I don't have the engery or the information to argue my point, and he controls everything here (the money, the car, etc.) I no longer have a checkbook or a credit card (and definitely no cash) but of course I blew that privilege when I bought my pills from a "friend." He does all the shopping and errand-running as well as is our only source of income. I tell him I'm very depressed as I don't leave the house at all (I never left during my 12 days of cold turkey.) He says, "Who's fault is THAT?" And I guess it's mine for doing this. But man, the line I guess I crossed sure gets hard to see sometimes. I told my doctor about my situation at home regarding depression, and he put me on Lexipro 10mg about two months ago (his answer to everything big suprise - another pill!) But of course it's a "good pill" and I'm hoping it will help with my obvious "poor tonnie" attitude.
I'm sorry, I know I'm rambling. I'm just not sure what to say, like how much of it I'm supposed to tell. And man, does it feel good to tell as much as I have. It's like I have found a friend I can be honest with, and that feels wonderful. I have to thank you for that, because it's a very good feeling.
I'll be watchig for anyone who's up to replying to this post. I cannot believe it's after 9:00 am and I never even slept last night - oh man, this is worse than terrible; it's undescribably miserable. Can't think of anyone I'd wish it on. I realize this letter is pretty much just me wallowing in self pity, and I'm as disgusted as many of you may be. Know that I'm watching for a reply and am so grateful to you for being there, every one of you. The information you are offering is invaluable and without you I'd be sitting here alone and - well, I don't want to think of what I'd be contemplating. You are truly my heroes.
So Truly,
--tonnie m.

reddingkeith 06-12-2005 07:23 AM

Re: 4 am -- Someone Please Hear Me
I have spent the majority of my life going through this cycle. Running out of supply, swearing I am going to quit, trying to quit only to use again. This disease is indeed a most terrible one as you know with your brother, yourself and countless others. Call the insurance company yourself and get into a hospital. The counselors there will contact your husband and they will begin to educate him about this awful disease. He may never be supportive but you will learn about tools you can use to help you stay clean. I personally have stayed clean for 2 years at a time, then a damned operation has come up and I have relapsed. I am an addict and it sounds like you are too. For me, I must have something to substitute for my addiction or I use again. I have used AA and NA and they do work if you want it bad enough. Please take charge yourself and get some help. You can't wait on your husband. Good Luck to you

trying2blend 06-12-2005 07:42 AM

Re: 4 am -- Someone Please Hear Me
Dear Tonnie;
Yes, yes, please do what the last post said and call your insurance company asap. Do it for yourself and your children. There is help for you and many people that want to help you. I feel you are my friend now after reading about you and I want you to know that you will fell better and this soon will pass. Please get help now.
Your friend Liz

Done with Drugs 06-12-2005 03:24 PM

Re: 4 am -- Someone Please Hear Me
Tonnie Dear,
I hope I didn't come on too strong as if I was telling you what to do. It was not meant that way. I am a mom and I tend to act toward people as one, problem solving, etc. I have a concern about your husband. No one who has
not experienced addiction first hand can really understand that you want to quit with all your heart, but the physical and mental addiction is so very strong, it's not that easy. I was struck by your saying that your husband had said that you had your "last chance". Why, does he not respect you enough to take you on your word when you sayyou are trying. Only 12% of addicts who try to just quit on their own have success. He needs to be educated about addiction. Is he a smoker, does he have friends that have tried to smoke, well it's the same concept. Most are not able to quit without some support tools. Sometimes it takes repeated times to do it, just as with the pills. In fact, I understand that snoking is more addictive than heroin.

You do not need his help, it would be better if he gave it to you, but if you're going to be put on a guilt trip by him or he does not believe it, then it is best that you go somewhere else, where you will have others to be with in the same situation who understan. So, I would just go ahead, make arrangements through the insurance for an inpatient. The most important thing to check though is the facility and how they will care for you. Go ahead and make all your plans, continue taking your pills, just enough to function, not more, so that you can get your household in order. If you have children, make sure they have a good caregiver (grandma)? when you are not home. Buy some frozen foods so your family can eat. If you have a girlfriend that you can trust, ask her to be your support as you plan to go for help. It may be as long as 28 days, so this takes planning, but you would be suprised how many people will help, if you just ask. Your husband has no right to tell you that it is your last chance. It's your life.

Please keep writing to me.....

D.D. :angel:

cidlette 06-12-2005 04:06 PM

Re: 4 am -- Someone Please Hear Me
I have been reading your cries for help and I'm captivated. I have recently come to the realization that I am hooked on vicodin, and I'm scared and sickened about it. I have lower back pain from a torn disc, but it's no excuse for me to pop pills. I too liked the way it makes me feel so good! But I've suffered from depression my whole life, and from what I've read in your messages, it sounds like you do, too. My husband downplays my problem (all of them, for that matter) so he's no help to me, either. I don't know how to get off these pills, but from what I'm reading it looks like it's going to be painful! But I suggest you look into getting on anti-depressants, too. I started on Lexapro recently and it's a life-saver for me.

ScaredHelpless 06-13-2005 02:07 AM

Re: 4 am -- Someone Please Hear Me
Listen Honey,
The first thing you need to do, right now, right this second is take a few deep breaths, close your eyes and take two deep breaths. Then repeat out-loud "[I]I am a wonderful caring person who deserves to be loved and to have help, I am NOT disgusting I am NOT weak I am SICK" Listen I, as well as others know all to well what you are going through you are not alone...YOU ARE NOT ALONE....I haven't even attempted to get off my 120mg OXy habit yet. ( I am planning on July 10th) I have skirted around this forum and found every excuse to not take the leap. You, YOu took that leap and was successful. You look at your 12 days C/t as a failure I see it as a success. Togomo, you will be okay, you will trumph over this "this to shall pass". Everyone has advice, and its all so great, here's mine.
First off, with all do respect to your husband, if he can't be there for you, if he's not willing to try to understand this then thats his loss...dont let his lack of understanding and threats keep you in this addiction cycle or to afraid to ask for are more important
Second: Yes the w/d's are hell but nothing NOTHING compares to being a slave to pills.
Third: If you truthfully feel like you might need help, and rehab isn't an option look up addictionolgists in your area or go see a doctor. They can really be of big help to make the withdrawls as comfortable as possible at an in home detox. (They can perscribe things to help "cushion" the w/d's)
Fourth: This is thought that is encouraging me. That one day you will get your life back. The hardest part is admitting you have the problem.
Home detox, rehab, suboxone, calling a doctor all of these options are there for you. Dont think about it just pick one and do it, make the call, take the leap you have so much more strength than you think.
You call yourself weak, and already you are so much stronger than I, I have yet to find the courage to do it You have.
Its about you rightnow, no one else your husband if he really loves youwill get over it. ( I mean that in the kindness way possible and with no offense)
Please let me know how you are holding up,
There are things that can make the w/d s alot easier. The Thomas Recipe is SO helpful it got me clean my first attempt it made it easier (almost to easy)
its posted on the board somewhere or I can get it to you. Its really really helpful. If its the withdrawls your worried about there are some great suggestions.
Your in my thoughts,
scared helpless

goddessgrl65 06-13-2005 04:43 AM

Re: 4 am -- Someone Please Hear Me
You have captured the eyes/ears/hearts..of this board..You know why..cos you are being honest..You came bull-and layed it down..
See how many wonderful souls come here-to reach out and help you...
And you already know the answers deep w/in.. suboxone..not so easy..depending again on your habit-my detox was still hard-but i used heroin..i believe you will find it more comfortable-
But-its what happens know all the things you discussed in your post-lethargy/depression/etc..dissapate..once stabilised..and are not high-but still have the anti-depressant aspect of the opiate-but feel clear-so you can get back to a place-prior to using..where you feel comfy in your own skin..etc.
They are now using sub to help folks w/refractory depression..that antidepressants are resistant to..
Several of us-have done this treatment w/ incrediable results-
I also feel if you were looking for treatment w/o drugs-that rehab-would also be good-i wish i was able to go..
more to follow..
but if you search suboxone there is a physician finder on the web-for your area..
I feel as though this has been my link to getting my recovery in the right space..yes..its a drug..but like an AD-no high-but results..
Peace got a load of pals-that will see you thru this here-including me...
Ggrl :angel:

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